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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should i tell my best friend this.... or better to just leave it

39 replies

nannyl · 18/05/2011 09:11

Not quite a true AIMBU, more should i or shouldnt I? Im Guessing i probably shouldnt!

Try and cut long story short.

At Easter weekend my best friends husband of 10 years walked out on her and their 7 year old daughter to live with, one of my friends "friends". (Another mum at the school, and my friends daughter goes to (the very small < 1 class per year) village school, where this other womans children go....

Anyway he runs his own buisness... (an odd job man painter decorator type guy) and in the past i have employed him.... (you know do the doors in my house, install my bathroom etc etc).

As we (my friend& her DH) lived nearly an hour away when he did work he always stayed over in the spare room as it saved a lot of petrol etc and I didnt mind.
When he stayed we would have dinner etc (JUST have dinner, wanna make that quite clear) but he would go into huge detail about why he was unhappy with my friend and go into great details about there lack of sex life. There was a time when IMO he was definitely trying it on with me (at the time i was single) and i told him straight out not to bother as his wife was my best friend and we just were not going there EVER... end of. He got the message.
(I am 100% sure that i had offered him to come and live with me and be with me he would have jumped at the chance and left her for me)

So anyway i made it crystal clear that there was NO chance ever, that was 3 years ago now, and we have just moved on, & I have never mentioned anything to my friend, or anyone else. NOTHING happened, I didnt see the point in mentioning it... it would only upset people....

A couple of years ago one of my other friends (another of my very best friends actually) was temporarily living in my house while hers had major building works, and at some point i got my friends DH round to do some other odd job. (cant remember what, but i dont think it matters)
For whatever reason i wasnt there but my friend who was staying for a few months was, and she let him in etc and was there while he did whatever odd job it was.
Thought no more about it.

My Mum has also employed him for odd jobs at her house, and again he has done DIY stuff for my Mum too. (again thought no more of it)

so (getting to point now) I was on the phone to my other best friend yesturday and said how he had left my friend and their DD etc (they had met at parties and stuff at my house, wernt freinds with each other but knew who the other was through me). Anyway i said how he had just left for this new woman (who he had met by doing odd DIY jobs for her, just the week before) and at the end of the converstaion my friend told me that while it was just the two of them he had gone into far too many details about his relationship with his wife, and suggested that he could get with my friend. (My friend told him no way! and that married men with children were not her thing) she only told me this yesturday, I had NO IDEA (But can imagine, it was probably similar as he tried with me)

So TODAY i speak to my Mum... and again mentioned that they have split up etc... and my MUM reveals that when doing odd DIY jobs for her he has again gone into FAR too much detail, and i get the impression he wanted my Mum too Shock Shock Shock (his new woman is only 4 years older than my mum and old enough to be his mum!)

My friend is devastated that he has left her, and even though he only left 4 weeks ago is already beginning divorce legal stuff etc.

(neither here nor there but he is still being awful and nasty to her and has put her in such a difficult situation, by 1) my friend has to see this other mum (his new woman) twice a day at school drop off and pick up, 2) sometimes HE goes too with her. (all VERY hard on their 7 year old DD as he NEVER EVER was there for her after school, as he was always too busy working)
3) there is just 1 main road in and out of the village, and he has moved into a house ON the main road, so if ever they go anywhere they have to drive past their house. DD see's Daddies van and wants to pop in (she often used to go their with her Mum) Its all very upsetting for their DD... as she has to see daddies house any time they go anywhere

The question is do i mention what he did several years ago to me, a couple of years ago to my friend, and just a few months ago to my mum? Or do i just let it be water under the bridge?

(he got with his new woman after he went to fix a door for her and ended up chatting until 2am and the following weekend he just left.... well im sure i know what that conversation was.... i could have had it too!)

I dont want to cause my friend any more upset, but in a way i feel like she should know that (as far as i can tell) he tried it with EVERY single female!

OP posts:
CoffeeDodger · 18/05/2011 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HarderToKidnap · 18/05/2011 09:16

Leave it. You are her best friend, you should have said something three years ago, IMO. If I were her, and you told me, I would absolutely devastated that I could have had three years to either get to the root of the problem or throw him out.

Doodlez · 18/05/2011 09:23

I WOULD tell her. She needs to know that he's tried it on all over the place and he may have had 'success' else where. She needs to get herself checked out for chlamydia and any other STD's.

Also, whilst it won't help the child, it might help your friend to have confidence going up to that school gate, knowing that the OW is bloody welcome to him because he's clearly a dead-loss and she really is better off without him.

CurrySpice · 18/05/2011 09:23

No way! Never mention it! Do you want go hurt her more? And potentially drive a wedge between you two friends. definitely do NOT TELL HER

Fecklessdizzy · 18/05/2011 09:24

Keep shtumm. He's a slimebag but the damage is done now and by the sound of it his new squeeze is going to find out the hard way what a faithless git he is too. if she shows any signs of letting him talk his way back into her affections then tell her but otherwise keep quiet and just give her lots of support/ booze/ hugs/ small spikey things to put under his van tyres etc.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 18/05/2011 09:25

You can't tell her now; if you wanted to you should have done it straight away. If she starts thinking about getting back together with him then maybe you could say something but even then I'm not sure.

purits · 18/05/2011 09:25

"could have had three years to get to the root of the problem"

That's classic "my wife doesn't understand me" BS. He felt that he could discuss his sex life with every woman in the county except for his wife ...? Angry

beesimo · 18/05/2011 09:26

Least said soonest mended keep your gob shut it can't help her situation now to know you were a false friend then.

Fecklessdizzy · 18/05/2011 09:29

Bloody useless capslock. Grrr.

Mind you, if it's a small village and he's been trying it on with everyone and their dogs she's going to get told by someone, sometime so brace yourself to pick up the fall-out.

Original poster
nannyl · 18/05/2011 09:32

ok... thought as much

so long as she divorces him and gets him out of her life she doesnt really need to know. And in her current state of mind she does NOT want him back.

Years back i thought he was telling me stuff as he knows me very well.. but clearly he doesnt need to know a person well to tell them what he told me!!!!

Telling her wont achieve anything (other than upsetting her even more, so I wont)

(he has also done DIY odd jobs for my sister..... wonder if he said / tried anything with her? Or maybe not has she was not single, my sister has never mentioned anything, but then nor did my friend or Mum until the last couple of days!!!)

OP posts:
purits · 18/05/2011 09:33

I think that you could tell your friend. He may have tried it on with you but it could have been your imagination running wild, he was joking etc etc so there was nothing to tell. But when two more women say the same then you know that you weren't making it up. You have only just found out about the other two so either tell her now or keep quiet for ever. (When I say now, I mean fairly soon: she may be a bit emotionally fragile for such bad news ATM)

Icelollycraving · 18/05/2011 09:35

Omg,what a hideous situation. Don't tell her now,if she has a wobble or has him back tell her gently,the embarrassment may mean she doesn't want to see you for a while.
Don't employ him again,problem is all the women he must have been chancing his arm with coming forward to tell her. Hope if his work dries up,he doesn't turn up on her doorstep saying ' I was wrong,she didn't understand me. I love you too much' blah blah.

SenoritaViva · 18/05/2011 09:36

I would say don't mention it unless it would benefit her divorce proceedings. She's going through enough right without being able to look any women in the eye who he did work for. It sounds hell for her. What an arse.

Bumfuzzle · 18/05/2011 09:37

If you tell her, is there the chance that she will feel an almighty fool?

The time to tell her was when they were still together.

They are divorcing now, which is good, from what you describe. To now tell her, oh yes, btw, when you were married he was trying it on with all of us - well, imo that's just going to hurt her. How will you explain why everyone kept that from her when it mattered?

Original poster
nannyl · 18/05/2011 09:49

When they were together i had no idea about my Mum and other friend.

The conversation with me i thought he was confiding in me as friend (very complicated as he had next to no friends / family of his own as he came from a wierd religion thing, where they had NO social contact with anyone else so he came out of it, when he met my friend, and doing so cut all ties with his own family and his real old friends)

My Mum / my other friends wouldnt have my best friends number etc anyway... would be a bit wierd / awkward to try and tell her what had happened.

I think i thought id imagined / mis-interpreted him a bit too... until it turns out everyone else also had the same experience....

Its a shame, but im pretty sure she wont be having him back.... she has recently told me other stuff he did to her (HORRID / nasty / abusive) and TOTALLY unreasonable IMO.... i certainly wont be encouraging her to get back with him, especially now i have found out other stuff from her that i didnt know before. She is FAR better off without him IMO.

OP posts:
purits · 18/05/2011 09:54

I think you need to tell her. If there were three people in your immediate circle of friends then imagine how many there are in total.Shock If you don't tell her then someone else will, and you will be the bad guy for not telling her. If you tell her then at least it can be your version instead of a chinese-whisper travesty.
She may be putting two and two together already: how often did he stay away "to save petrol"Hmm She is very hot off the mark in starting divorce proceedings ...

Bumfuzzle · 18/05/2011 09:54

ah, sorry. wrong end of stick firmly grasped there Blush

then maybe there could be a way you could tell her. Explain it that way - that it wasn't until other people mentioned it that you realised?

otoh, that may make her feel like everyone is talking / gossiping about her, which may make her feel humiliated.

Perhaps just continue to be her support, lots of tlc, plenty of wine? And see how things go and don't decide yet?

Bunbaker · 18/05/2011 09:56

No. It's like rubbing salt into a wound. She may not thank you for it either.

luvvinlife · 18/05/2011 10:09

Don't tell her unless she starts to waiver about the divorce...then tell her about him trying it on with your mum. He sounds a complete and utter twat.

Original poster
nannyl · 18/05/2011 10:12

purits....

yes that has no sprung to mind.... has he been doing this everyone? has it taken him 3 years to find someone to listen and move in with them?

Dont really wanna think about it, but the thought has crossed my mind too.

(he only stayed to save petrol for 1 'block of' time.... (a few nights when he was doing my bathroom and bashing through a wall etc... and for a couple of nights (when no toilet) I stayed at work (where i nannied)).... He worked 7am - 8pm so as to get it done faster as having no bathroom was a real pain for me! All other odd jobs were over and done with in a day, o)

OP posts:
LadyThumb · 18/05/2011 10:13

If I'd got a best friend and found my husband had tried it on with her 3 years ago and she hadn't told me...........I would be absolutely furious.......with HER !!

You are in a no-win situation now, so keep quiet for her sake.

purits · 18/05/2011 10:17

"She may be putting two and two together already: how often did he stay away "to save petrol" She is very hot off the mark in starting divorce proceedings ..."

Sorry. Didn't mean to imply things about you, I meant other women.
But see how easily people can misconstrue things? Get your version in first.

LadyThumb · 18/05/2011 10:22

He's hardly likely to boast that he tried it on with lots of women and they all turned him down, is he??!!

TotemPole · 18/05/2011 10:28

I think you should tell her for the reason Doodlez mentions.

Original poster
nannyl · 18/05/2011 10:30

purits as far as i know he only ever stayed at mine for that 1 block of time, and when working for her parents (his in-laws) he stayed there too. Would really hope he didnt try it with his MIL too Shock Wink.

3 years ago i thought it would upset my friend if i told her.... Im sure he would have denied it, convinced myself i was imagining it, so thought best to let it lie. She would have taken his her husbands side I'm sure, and had I mentioned it then, it may have ruined our friendship, so i made the (right or wrong, I dont know, but was trying to be right) decision NOT to say anything, so as to not upset anyone....

NOTHING happened so there was nothing to say.... However it was me who made sure nothing happened, NOT him!

OP posts: