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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should i tell my best friend this.... or better to just leave it

39 replies

nannyl · 18/05/2011 09:11

Not quite a true AIMBU, more should i or shouldnt I? Im Guessing i probably shouldnt!

Try and cut long story short.

At Easter weekend my best friends husband of 10 years walked out on her and their 7 year old daughter to live with, one of my friends "friends". (Another mum at the school, and my friends daughter goes to (the very small < 1 class per year) village school, where this other womans children go....

Anyway he runs his own buisness... (an odd job man painter decorator type guy) and in the past i have employed him.... (you know do the doors in my house, install my bathroom etc etc).

As we (my friend& her DH) lived nearly an hour away when he did work he always stayed over in the spare room as it saved a lot of petrol etc and I didnt mind.
When he stayed we would have dinner etc (JUST have dinner, wanna make that quite clear) but he would go into huge detail about why he was unhappy with my friend and go into great details about there lack of sex life. There was a time when IMO he was definitely trying it on with me (at the time i was single) and i told him straight out not to bother as his wife was my best friend and we just were not going there EVER... end of. He got the message.
(I am 100% sure that i had offered him to come and live with me and be with me he would have jumped at the chance and left her for me)

So anyway i made it crystal clear that there was NO chance ever, that was 3 years ago now, and we have just moved on, & I have never mentioned anything to my friend, or anyone else. NOTHING happened, I didnt see the point in mentioning it... it would only upset people....

A couple of years ago one of my other friends (another of my very best friends actually) was temporarily living in my house while hers had major building works, and at some point i got my friends DH round to do some other odd job. (cant remember what, but i dont think it matters)
For whatever reason i wasnt there but my friend who was staying for a few months was, and she let him in etc and was there while he did whatever odd job it was.
Thought no more about it.

My Mum has also employed him for odd jobs at her house, and again he has done DIY stuff for my Mum too. (again thought no more of it)

so (getting to point now) I was on the phone to my other best friend yesturday and said how he had left my friend and their DD etc (they had met at parties and stuff at my house, wernt freinds with each other but knew who the other was through me). Anyway i said how he had just left for this new woman (who he had met by doing odd DIY jobs for her, just the week before) and at the end of the converstaion my friend told me that while it was just the two of them he had gone into far too many details about his relationship with his wife, and suggested that he could get with my friend. (My friend told him no way! and that married men with children were not her thing) she only told me this yesturday, I had NO IDEA (But can imagine, it was probably similar as he tried with me)

So TODAY i speak to my Mum... and again mentioned that they have split up etc... and my MUM reveals that when doing odd DIY jobs for her he has again gone into FAR too much detail, and i get the impression he wanted my Mum too (his new woman is only 4 years older than my mum and old enough to be his mum!)

My friend is devastated that he has left her, and even though he only left 4 weeks ago is already beginning divorce legal stuff etc.

(neither here nor there but he is still being awful and nasty to her and has put her in such a difficult situation, by 1) my friend has to see this other mum (his new woman) twice a day at school drop off and pick up, 2) sometimes HE goes too with her. (all VERY hard on their 7 year old DD as he NEVER EVER was there for her after school, as he was always too busy working)
3) there is just 1 main road in and out of the village, and he has moved into a house ON the main road, so if ever they go anywhere they have to drive past their house. DD see's Daddies van and wants to pop in (she often used to go their with her Mum) Its all very upsetting for their DD... as she has to see daddies house any time they go anywhere

The question is do i mention what he did several years ago to me, a couple of years ago to my friend, and just a few months ago to my mum? Or do i just let it be water under the bridge?

(he got with his new woman after he went to fix a door for her and ended up chatting until 2am and the following weekend he just left.... well im sure i know what that conversation was.... i could have had it too!)

I dont want to cause my friend any more upset, but in a way i feel like she should know that (as far as i can tell) he tried it with EVERY single female!

OP posts:

darleneoconnor · 18/05/2011 10:34

Tell the new woman. She should know that she was one of many and that he will prob do the same to her.

TotemPole · 18/05/2011 10:34

Would really hope he didnt try it with his MIL too

Or PIL

slartybartfast · 18/05/2011 10:39

dont tell her, what woudl be the point. it would be MEAN and people always blame the messenger.

and you never know, she Might take him back and then where would you be

TotemPole · 18/05/2011 10:48

If there is any chance of her taking him back then she should definitely know what he's been up to. Otherwise she'll think it's a blip, a one off, 7 year itch or whatever.

She needs to know he's been trying for at least the past 3 years to pull someone else. And that it's possible there are other women who he has been successful with.

She also needs to know that he discusses their sex life with his customers.

EricNorthmansMistress · 18/05/2011 11:48

I would tell her. She may be upset with you for not telling her at the time, but ultimately you did not expect him to try it on with you and it would be very natural for you to explain away the inappropriateness as you misreading things. She should know what he has been up to and for how long.

FWIW a friend's boyfriend at the time tried it on with me once when he was very drunk. I didn't tell her, until some months later when she confided that she had walked in on him kissing another of her 'friends'. She told me that he was contrite and was going to address his drinking problem. I told her what had happened. She was upset with both of us but ultimately pleased I had told her as it gave a clearer picture of what was happening. They are now married.

heleninahandcart · 18/05/2011 12:09

Tricky one. She would be devastated to know he has discussed their sex life around the village. Not sure she needs that humiliation on top of the rest.

RedHeels · 18/05/2011 12:18

I would tell the new woman that. Bet it would put things into perspective for her. Not so special now?

greenlime · 18/05/2011 12:25

If I was the wife, I'd want to know. She will be really struggling with her feelings right now and you can defend yourself with the fact that you thought that you had misunderstood what was going on until others mentioned the same.

greenlime · 18/05/2011 12:27

Oh and also, she may be wanting him back as she is so shocked and this is such a hard time. It might actually help her to see the true level of shitbag that he is and help her to start rebuilding things without him. Also, what if he was to fall out with his OW and come back begging your friend for another chance and she gives it to him. It would be even worse for you to have to tell her then.

He obviously tries this on all the time on jobs and she def must get to STI clinic.

Pictish · 18/05/2011 12:35

Personally, I think there is nothing to gain by telling her, so why bother?

Plus....and this is important....you weren't there when he came on to your friend or your mum, so you can hardly be an accurate witness. Then it just becomes gossip.

We all logve gossip of course, but in this instance I don't think it would be appropriate.

Obviously, it is a good thing that you don't want to be dishonest by keeping information from your friend....but my instinct is to let it go. Why involve yourself in her mess of marriage any more than she requires of you. Your place is to listen and be there for her....not to make the situation worse.
In a sense, telling her would be like getting a great bog wooden spoon and stirring like fuckery.
Keep schtum.

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 18/05/2011 12:46

Dont tell your friend, but I would mention it to the new woman.

Just be there for your friend and if she starts to waiver (doubt his new relationship will last) then I would mention what you found out re your mum and sister.

glassofwhiteanybody · 18/05/2011 13:21

I would keep quiet. She'll be humiliated

I don't quite understand how he was able to discuss his sex life with other people in great detail. If my friend's husband started discussing private stuff in a gossipy, bitchy way and I didn't want to hear it, I'd tell him to stop, then leave the room, then ask him to leave the house if he kept on about it

If someone confided in me and I thought they were genuinely seeking advice, then I might be more willing to talk.

This kind of thing is tricky. If she uses this website and sees this thread, she'll know anyway

mossi · 18/05/2011 13:22

I had a boss a bit like this. He split up with his dw and subsequently another person told her what he'd been up to. I don't think it helped her at all, it just made her really angry that nobody had told her at the time. It prevented them having an amicable divorce and caused huge stress for the dcs. I would leave it.

MarinaIvy · 18/05/2011 14:02

Tell her. There are so many reasons to tell and almost none to keep it from her.

The talk he did to you three years ago wasn't so clear-cut that you should feel guilty for not having told sooner, and from what you describe, you did nothing wrong. The things you've heard from your other friend you've only just now heard, so this is the perfect time to tell your friend.

You know, and we all know from reading this, what a jerk this guy is, but despite everything he's putting her through, your friend might still be wondering if this is all her fault.

No matter how nicely you frame it, you're not going to make her day by telling her, but bigger picture, she needs to know for any number of reasons:

he's a slimeball he is
very little (if any at all) of this is her fault
you're her friend, not his
if she can use this information to get better terms in the divorce, you're definitely doing her a favour.

If you don't tell her, you'll be fermenting this within yourself and that'll colour your friendship. If she ever finds out otherwise and learns that you've kept it from her, you'll lose her friendship for sure.

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