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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be nosey and ask about your social life...

68 replies

glittercheeks · 17/05/2011 21:00

DH have a fair few friends but we only really get together on birthdays, christenings, weddings etc....always an occasion rather than a "just because" type scenario...

I am not too fussed about this either way as we seem to be always on the go with 3 young DC but just wanted to nose and ask are you a constant social animal, dinner parties and such like or do you wish you saw more of your friends but never organise or find the time?

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 17/05/2011 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

compo · 17/05/2011 22:31

We don't have any babysitters and can't afford to pay so dh hoes out once a week with his mates and I go out once a fortnight with mine

wawajuice · 17/05/2011 22:45

I sit in on MN while DH is at the pub :(

That's pretty much it. I do a couple of classes at the community centre, but I pretty much do the class and leave as the kids are in the creche, and anyway the ladies there are lovely but not the people I would choose to socialise with - they are mostly retired, I'm in my mid 20's, for eample (although there is more to it than that). MN meetups are miles away in the most awkward town to get to and I don't drive and feel awkward asking for lifts. I have one friend who comes for coffee (lovely, lovely friend for putting up with me and my never going to hers) about 3 or 4 times a year. I can't work or learn to drive because of my health.

Sometimes, when I go back to where I grew up, I see my old friends, but there is only really one I keep up with, and I see her maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I see my sisters maybe once a term and at funerals and weddings.

I'm really, really isolated. I see people all the time, but I very very rarely meet up with people on purpose. DH tells me off if he decides I spend too much time on here, and I have to keep namechanging as he reads my posts, he says I should just go down the pub like he does. He goes to the pub more nights than he doesn't, and anyway we don't live in a place where a lone woman can just go and read a book in a pub and get chatting with people when she chooses. It's like living in 1975 sometimes.

I would love to have a gang, we'd only have to meet up twice a month or something, but it would be great to have the pressure taken off and to be able to be talkative or not, and hear all the gossip and sort out the problems of the word and maybe even have a couple of drinks.

We could meet up for brews in the daytime, nod at each other in the street, chat while the kids play on the playground.

It's making me miserable, tbh.

chubbly · 17/05/2011 23:01

Oh wawa, that's made me upset. How old are your kids? I'm in a similar boat, dd1 is two and dd2 is four months. I have hardly any friends due to moving and babies. And to top it off my old nct mums (only 2 of them) have become best friends so hang out with each other. It really upsets me when I see fb photos of them and their kids playing. I'm actively trying though, going to groups, keeping up with those I can. Maybe try a couple of groups out? It takes time and commitment to make friends and often nothing comes of it except a pleasant chat with someone. But you will eventually find people that get you and before you know it you'll have a circle of friends.

chelstonmum · 17/05/2011 23:08

We moved to the other end of the country last year so get lots of visitors and do a fair bit of visiting too. Family time tends to be more sociable as in condensed time slots so lots of days out, meals etc.

We are also lucky and have made lovely new friends too, we tend to do family lunches with our kids, friends and theirs etc just for the sake of it perhaps once or twice a month. I have to say I love it when we just get to be alone as a family too.

Nights out with DH and I are a lot fewer than before the move due to a severe lack of babysitters and me being pg but we do go out when we can as a couple, even if that is just a sneeky mid-week lunch when we have some free time (perhaps once a month). If we need some us time we have a 'date night'... dinner for two when the kids are in bed!

wawajuice · 17/05/2011 23:10

My kids are 4yo and 18mo. I'm just so isolated, and it makes it worse when I look forward to a night in with DH (eg tonight he was finishing work earlier than normal) and, as usual, he says he is nipping to the shop and might have a half on the way back, and I don't see him for hours. The worst thing is, he doesn't see anything wrong with that, as we "weren't doing anything" when he was here. When I say I would like the chance to go out sometimes (eg I fancy going to a book group or something in the evening) he says he doesn't know why I would because he hates socialising - but he still sneaks off to the pub several times a week.

I thought it was booze, but he gave that up for a couple of weeks and still went to the pub to drink pop.

That's not the main issue though. I just want a gang - to be able to have a suddenly free evening and put out a shout on facebook and be invited somewhere, even if it was just someone's house for a brew, or down the pub, or to a gig. I'm still only 26, even if I do have kids.

I'm crying now. :( How sad am I?

chelstonmum · 17/05/2011 23:12

Wawa, I just read your post, thats horrible. Have you tried local playparks etc? Does your DH know how isolated you feel? x

chelstonmum · 17/05/2011 23:14

Oh gosh, not being too personal but where int he country are you (you said its a bit 1975)? Were in Devon, im sure it's not made it to the 70's sometimes! x

Punkatheart · 17/05/2011 23:18

We will be your gang, wawa. I am sorry about your situation but we will do the best we can. Where in the UK are you?

CurrySpice · 17/05/2011 23:24

Oh wawa your posts have made me very sad :(

Where are you? Maybe someone can get the ball rolling for you

Are your kids at school? becuse I've made some lovely friends through the school run

I want to give you a hug, I really do!!

FreudianSlipper · 17/05/2011 23:28

i am a single mum and i have a mixture of friends. i have been single for a while so my married friends (not all have children) are happy me tagging along with ds (unless its drinking night out) i never feel like a gooseberry. i have a few single friends and have great nights out with them either for a few drinks (one lives in nottinghill so cool bars right on her doorstep), restaurants, theatre i really enjoy myself and like that i am not out hoping to meet someoene

i have quite a good social life ds stays with his daddy every other week and sees him every week. at the moment i am very much concentrating on my studies but i do have me time and feel i get out enough

i often take ds with me too, he loves socialising and when i turned up to a dinner party without him i am asked why as they expected him to come :)

chubbly · 17/05/2011 23:29

Hey wawa, you're going to have to do something really difficult. Get ready in the morning grab the kids and take the bus into town. Find some free groups and force yourself to go. I know it's really hard, I'm pretty shy and have been to clubs where I haven't made one friend. (loser that I am) but just keep trying. It's easy to write it off but once you start it gets easier. Please give it a go... Your dh is just having a break but you need time away too. Join the bookclub, tell him he can have his pub night another night and you're going out!

Anythingwithagiraffeonit · 17/05/2011 23:32

I find having a baby has made me much more social...

Every weekday I go to a baby class / group and then a group of us have lunch.

Every weekend DH and I have days out (zoo/farm/Hampton court) with family and friends that have kids too.

On a Tuesday DH has DD and I go for drinks ands movie with my friends, and usually a Thursday and or Friday we go to dinner with a group of people.

Always have at least one person here for dinner if we're not out.

Sometimes it's too much though, and I just want to sit by myself and watch TV !

FreudianSlipper · 17/05/2011 23:34

wawa i have felt very isolated too. it was a mixture of being isolated and how i was feeling about my life and i ended up shutting myself off more :( it is a horrible feeling

SaggyHairyArse · 17/05/2011 23:39

My social life is a termly coffee with Mums from school, meeting a friend once a week at playgroup, meeting two other friends every other week for a dog walk, karate once a week, seeing my two best friend when we can fit it in and every few months going out for drinks/food with other friends.

WhatsWrongWithYou · 17/05/2011 23:41

Wawa, rather than say in a vague way you'd like to go to a book club or something, actively find a book club/quilting circle/language class/whatever you'd like to go to and tell your DH that on this night you will be going to x and he will need to stay in and babysit.
Don't let him belittle your choices (he prob doesn't mean to, but, to him, going out to work and seeing people in the pub on a regular basis, sitting in someone's house discussing books is no big deal, whereas to you, it could make all the difference to your day to day life, just knowing there's somewhere to g where you're not just a mum.

galletti · 18/05/2011 00:03

WaWa, so your kids are not in school yet? Is your older one starting school in September? If so, this can be a great way to meet friends. Reception is a great time to start friendships, as you can just have a quick word with another mum about how their child is settling in, do they have others etc, who could possibly be feeling the same way as you, then perhaps you can suggest going for a coffee after drop off, or inviting her/them back to yours.

It can take a little bit of nerve, but you know what, it usually is worth it. Also, you may learn about things that are happening in the community that you are not aware of, and if so, give them a try. Before you know it, you might just have a couple of really good friends, and a wider circle of people to go to the cinema with/join a book club etc. My absolute saving grace has been to join a dance group, which other mums have joned and I have made friends that i would never have imagined meeting, and that I would have thought I didn't have anything in common with, and vice versa!

My dd is quite a bit older than yours, but still in primary , and I was so out of my comfort zone and used to being in the City with all my work friends, but now I have a small group of dear friends who pop round for coffee, meet up at the local pub for a drink, chat on the phone, and all get together from time to time with partners, kids, and even dogs!

Once you have things to do, you will find it easier to just tell dh that you are doing them and going.

lesley33 · 18/05/2011 08:21

I go out at least twice a week to see friends. Not always a big organised thing like a dinner party. More come round and share a bottle of wine thing.

girlscout · 18/05/2011 08:44

In spite of lots of effort,no friends, for the last 5 years in any shape or form and husband not interested,although he goes out.

shinyshoes · 18/05/2011 09:08

I have a friend round most staurday nights for a drink.

I have a friend we get together every couple of months for an indian.

I have 2 friends from school we have only just started going out but have vowed to make it a regular thing

ThisIsMySobriquet · 18/05/2011 09:17

I meet up with my closest friends for a coffee at least twice a week, husband plays poker with his closest friends once every fortnight.

My parents take my son for one full weekend a month Fri-Sun, this allows the husband and I to go out for dinner somewhere nice on the Friday then out with our large circle of friends on the Saturday.

Husband and I go on a few city breaks/skiing holidays a year with our friends too, so we have a pretty good social life I'd say.

EttiKetti · 18/05/2011 09:21

We don't have lots of couple friends, only within the family and we do socialise with them maybe once a month, I see my friends every week, we meet for the morning for breakfast and then arrange other little outings at the same time . DH and I prefer to go out alone if we go out though, as time alone to talk can be rare!

RitaMorgan · 18/05/2011 10:10

I'd say me and DP go out together once a month, I go out on my own once a month, and DP goes out once every couple of months (I'm the more sociable of the two of us!).

Also see friends during the day/with children twice a week probably.

We only have one baby though so it's probably easier at the moment.

Shaxx · 18/05/2011 11:04

Wawa try Netmums local and put up a notice on their 'meet a mum' page saying you want to set up a book club.
My sister just did that and she's got a group of 8 who regularly meet up now. They had their first meeting in a pub on a Mon (so it was quiet) and now go to each others houses and some of them meet up in the day with kids as well. Its been so good for her.

bigTillyMint · 18/05/2011 11:08

We tend to go out with / to friends together or on our own. Probably on our own about once a week each and then on the weekend together with friends.

We don't go out as a couple on our own much - we never seem to have enough time to do that as well, though I know we should make the time.

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