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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wondering are other peoples friends as flaky as mine ALL seem to be?

51 replies

slightlyunbalanced · 17/05/2011 19:20

I may be being over sensitive or maybe not reacting in the right way when this happens but -

I was single for a long time before I met my OH, I had lots of friends who when I met him I was very careful not to drop and I made sure I made time for them without OH, and kept in touch (this was often not easy as OH is in the forces and we do not get much time together but I always included/invited my friends around/to nights out with and without my OH - esp my single friends).

OH is away for a long period so I have made sure I have made loads of plans in advance so I can catch up with all my friends esp when I have "kid free" time. Friends are always really up for things but it feels like all of them have cancelled on me last minute recently, leaving me spending two bank holiday weekends alone, and plenty of evenings where I have had no kids and its too late to make other plans.

I know this is not because my friends hate me (I am not deluded) or I am shit compnay - I think its just because they are thoughtless and don't realise how hard I am finding it with my OH being away and not contactable(although my BF does and constatnly cancels on me but thats another story and a v controlling boyfriend Hmm).

AIBU to think that people seem to just cancel these days (with sometimes really lame excuses) without considering how the other person might feel and how should I react - as at the moment I'm just saying "Ok thats a shame, but thats fine" and not getting pissy.

How do I respond nicely but letting them know I am pissed off without it resulting in tension/a row?

When really I am so pissed off at any attempt I make to be active and occupied just leads me to being let down and being on my own Sad

Reading that back makes me sound quite sad Confused

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 17/05/2011 21:02

Why do you find it hard without OH and what is it that disappoints you so much? [genuine questions]

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 17/05/2011 21:06

Because he's my best friend and I love and miss him and he us away for MONTHS at a time, would be a bit weird if I didn't miss him?!

Because it's disappointing when I am looking forward to seeing a friend and they cancel?!

OP posts:
TheSkiingGardener · 17/05/2011 21:07

I agree with you OP. Being cancelled on isn't a problem, but when it haopens repeatedly it hacks you off. And when the reasons for cancellation seem weak then that increases the level of being a bit pissed off. It's not about being alone or not, it's about courtesy and consideration.

AgentZigzag · 17/05/2011 21:07

If you're happy with just your own company, why would it bother you if people cancel?

If you were happy it'd make no difference whether they were there or not.

I didn't mean needy in an emotional vampire way, I meant it in a way where you need other people to be happy, but realising you don't, like aldiwhore said, is liberating.

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 17/05/2011 21:09

Hmm I would never bother to arrange to see anyone or have any friends if it didn't bother me either way though would I?!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 17/05/2011 21:12

OK OP.

I was just giving my opinion, not attacking you personally.

I'm not that mithered either way if they cancel or don't.

Spero · 17/05/2011 21:21

I cannot see any contradiction in being able to enjoy your own company but also wanting the company of others and being sad and disappointed if they flake for no reason.

I enjoy time by myself but I also enjoy time with friends. And if I go to the trouble of arranging things and they don't show up, have a crappy excuse and never bother to reciprocate, then they don't stay my friends. That is because I think such behaviour is rude and shows that they have little interest in me.

No doubt some disagree. Different drums, horses for courses etc. But I don't think op is remotely unreasonable.

thisisyesterday · 17/05/2011 21:26

yanbu OP
I have a few friends who do this a LOT, and it also seems like I only ever see them if I initiate it. it's a real shame because some of them I really get on so well with

acutally i think it might be me. but i wish people would tell me what i do wrong!!!

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 17/05/2011 21:27

When you spent time on your own Agentzig were you also a single parent?

OP posts:
animula · 17/05/2011 21:30

OK. I reckon you need to think this through! Smile

Point 1 - Nobody cancels things for the sheer hell of it. There will be a (good) reason.

Point 2 - Given that - who wants to be the person that people are too afraid of to cancel on?

You are worried that you are "too laid back" or something, or a doormat. But no - you are just right, as you are.

Imagine if you were the sort of person no-one dare cancel on because you are high-maintenance/tantrum/sulk/exact vengeance? People would want to cancel things, for good, valid reasons - but be too scared not to.

And they would go along, and seethe. They would be sitting there, thinking: "Why am I here? Because I was too frightened to cancel. I am weak. And she is a cow. Why is she in my life anyway?"

That is not good.

That is how to lose friends in the long term.

So be happy.

And my guess is that more people are cancelling at the moment because the economic outlook is inclement.

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 17/05/2011 21:45

Am a bit Confused as to why I was asked why I miss my OH .......

OP posts:
Spero · 17/05/2011 22:02

Animula - your point 1 is bollocks! I know I have nearly cancelled on people because I felt tired/fed up, usually when I force myself out I enjoy myself and am glad I went.

And I am not sure about your point 2 either. I don't demand people come out if they really don't fancy it. But when something has been arranged for some time and the same people cancel at the last minute, I don't particularly care if I lose them as a friend.

Funny definition of friendship if it just means 'I do what I like, when I like and if you don't like it, that's your problem'.

DoMeDon · 18/05/2011 08:10

Who asked why you miss you OH?

I asked why you find it so hard? Being alone needn't be hard on you. Is natural to miss them but it is different to struggle with that feeling.

sprinkles77 · 18/05/2011 14:23

I really can't see why people find it unreasonable for OP not to want to spend every waking minute either alone or with only her DC for company. I don't think she's even complaining about loneliness. I just think she is rightly pissed off about flakey shits agreeing to plans then canceling at the last moment. If said flakes had just not made the plans, or had canceled with a bit of notice, OP might well have arranged something else, like a solo trip to the theatre, or a pamper treat or anything. Wanting to be busy is not being "needy", nor is missing your DP (whether away for a few days or a few months). I'm very happy alone, and not really one to make plans with others, but do it because I do enjoy it once I'm there. When people flake out it's an anticlimax. And if you've made preparations (I did a 1st birthday party for my son where none of my NCT class who were invited turned up), you feel a bit of a fool.

seedlessgrape · 18/05/2011 14:26

I'm in the same boat as the OP and I have decided to change my friends.

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 18/05/2011 17:38

I think anyone would struggle "the feeling" of not seeing their OH for months AND find it hard - if I didn't struggle with it or find it hard to miss him a lot then I think I would need to rethink my relationship.

Ever done 9 months without your OH with no contact DoMeDon?

OP posts:
Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 18/05/2011 17:38

with.....

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 18/05/2011 17:57

I think you have to take it on the chin, and say through gritted teeth sweetly 'O what a shame, I was so looking forward to seeing you blah, blah'.

And leave it up to them to suggest future dates/outings.

It may mean you end up with fewer names in your address book, but it's always good to know who your true friends are.

minipie · 18/05/2011 19:00

Just returned to this thread and am a bit Shock that some people seem to be saying that if you're annoyed when someone cancels, that means you are not happy with yourself?

WTF? Just because someone was looking forward to seeing their friend, and is disappointed when they cancel, does not mean they are not happy with themselves or happy to be alone much of the time. It just means they want some company sometimes.

And missing your OH when they are away, and planning other things in their absence, is surely a good thing ?

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 18/05/2011 19:12

Thank you minipie Grin

I guess there is always some deeper pyscological issue lurking beneath the surface on an MN poster though....Confused

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 18/05/2011 19:17

'I guess there is always some deeper pyscological issue lurking beneath the surface on an MN poster though....Confused'

I suppose that could be said about most posters slightlyunbalanced.

EggyAllenPoe · 18/05/2011 20:14

i used to be disappointed alot with friends faiing to show./ not making an effort/ generally being crap. Then i had kids, and stopped trying...and although it is still troubling that meet-ups are few (weddings only pretty much) ...there is also little disappointment. I don't sugget you stop trying but unfortunately that may make no difference in the end - if you keep trying the risk is you end up resentful of them. At least if you are both rubbish, you stay friends - albeit ones that rarely meet.

I agree that it is helpful to enjoy your own compay, but we are social animals, and too much of that is not a good thing. I like my own company rather alot, but the occasional weekend out is great for morale. You would have to be extremely thick-skinned to stay chipper when your supposed friends who are meant to care about you cancel without much reason or simply don't make any effort to see you.

so YANBU, but there is little you can do about it apart from try and make friends with people closer to home.

sprinkles77 · 18/05/2011 20:25

hear, hear minipie

BendyBob · 18/05/2011 20:27

Are you sure they really wanted to meet up in the first place? I have a friend who is a big organiser of people and is extrememly sociable.

She can be really hard to say no to and won't listen if you're not too keen. I have made excuses before, although I usually do meet up if I say I will.

But I love spending time alone and crave it after a while.

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 18/05/2011 22:43

Was taking the piss out of myself Agentzigzag Hmm

OP posts: