in wondering are other peoples friends as flaky as mine ALL seem to be?

[slightlyunbalanced]

I may be being over sensitive or maybe not reacting in the right way when this happens but -

I was single for a long time before I met my OH, I had lots of friends who when I met him I was very careful not to drop and I made sure I made time for them without OH, and kept in touch (this was often not easy as OH is in the forces and we do not get much time together but I always included/invited my friends around/to nights out with and without my OH - esp my single friends).

OH is away for a long period so I have made sure I have made loads of plans in advance so I can catch up with all my friends esp when I have "kid free" time. Friends are always really up for things but it feels like all of them have cancelled on me last minute recently, leaving me spending two bank holiday weekends alone, and plenty of evenings where I have had no kids and its too late to make other plans.

I know this is not because my friends hate me (I am not deluded) or I am shit compnay - I think its just because they are thoughtless and don't realise how hard I am finding it with my OH being away and not contactable(although my BF does and constatnly cancels on me but thats another story and a v controlling boyfriend ).

AIBU to think that people seem to just cancel these days (with sometimes really lame excuses) without considering how the other person might feel and how should I react - as at the moment I'm just saying "Ok thats a shame, but thats fine" and not getting pissy.

How do I respond nicely but letting them know I am pissed off without it resulting in tension/a row?

When really I am so pissed off at any attempt I make to be active and occupied just leads me to being let down and being on my own

Reading that back makes me sound quite sad

I know when I have cancelled plans I have felt very guilty, but it is usually due to finances/not feeling up for a night out/ had a shit day etc so i wouldn't take it too personally although I agree that it is hard not to...

I just wonder if I am always so nice about it I am they easy person to cancel on which pisses me off as I always drop everything for my friends but atm feel like no one really gives a shit.

I could not cancel a whole weekend (planned months in advance) on someone I knew would be alone and was struggling with that because I "needed a quiet weekend" because I'd had so many friend to stay the previous week...which is what my friends did to me recently.

YANBU. I never know how to react either. It seems so unfair when one has been a supportive friend in the past, and made and effort. It's horrid to feel like noone gives a shit, I get this too sometimes.

And cricketballs, I just don't cancel, if I don't really have the money I'd say so and try to make a cheap plan instead, and if I don't feel like it or have had a shit day, I remember how much better I'll feel for a drinkie and a chat.

Actually, I could do with a non- flakey friend! Where are you?!

God me too I only cancel when I really really have to (serious illness or death!! ).

I just think people used to "honour" arrangements whereas people just seem to cancel at the drop of a hat these days (thats sounds like my mother ) and not care how it might make the other person feel.

I am the same I guess I am just honest (about being skint) and would not dump someone out becasue I'd had a bad day.

YANBU

I do think some people seem to cancel commitments very easily and lightly, without thinking of the effect on the cancellee.

"I don't fancy a night out" isn't really a good enough reason - sometimes you have to do something you don't fancy so as not to let down a friend.

I don't mean this in a horrible way, but your friends are not responsible for keeping you 'active and occupied'.

Most people are pretty selfish in that they are doing things in their own lives to suit themselves, and this is normal.

I'm not saying they're not being unreasonable to cancel at the last min for something that's been planned for ages, but the alternative would be you forcing your friends to go through with your plans even if they didn't want to - whatever the reason they're cancelling for.

Surely you wouldn't want that?

Why is it do you think that you're not comfortable being on your own?

Because for me, finding a way to be OK doing things on my own and not having any reliance on anyone else, was a real life changing stage in my life.

x-post with you OP.

But how would you measure whether the reason they're cancelling is what you would consider a valid one?

It might be 'just' a bad day when you describe it to someone else, but if you're in the bad day yourself there's no 'just' about it.

I'd find some new friends.

I think people have so much going on in their own lives that it's easier to cancel on a friend than deal with letting down children/partners/family etc who are already having to fit plans around work and school.
One family with two children will be trying to fit in a lot of everyday commitments and still find time to just be with/do things with each other.
You have set periods when you are available to see them and make plans. They probably have things rolling over week to week and if they have free time just want down time.
It is possible that the friends who keep cancelling on you just see you as a relatively low priority.
Personally, I hate being 'held' to things in what should be a casual friendship.

YANBU

I am consistently faced with the fact that I have made some bad friendships in my life. Now that I have 2 children and a husband, it's like I don't exist in the same social sphere as anyone else - as if I am invisible, or that by having kids I have, by definition become someone who won't mind if they cancel on me in order to something more interesting/exciting. That I am happy to sit around and am at the beck and call of the more interesting people's things to do. It's getting a bit annoying.
I have had some pretty tough times lately and can happily label most of my friends as fairweather!
Sad but true!

I am always doing my damndest for others, and would never ever see someone struggle, especially a good friend, without doing my best to help, no matter what is going on in my life! Shame I never see any reciprocation.
The fact of the matter is, I seem to be shit at making good friends.

YANBU YANBU YANBU

It's a topic that comes up consistently in my life, and I thank you for highlighting it, it's making me feel a little bit less alone tonight!
(been let down a good few times in the last week)

YANBU

I could have written your first 2 posts. Dh and I wonder if we are too nice as well - people find it easy to cancel...

I'd find some more friends too, don't dump the old ones, but make sure you're the one with plans and they're the ones nagging you to fill their time instead.

I had a falling out with one group of friends 7 months ago, due in part to their backstabbing, bitch loving, gossip mongering... I didn't want a part of it, they 'cut me off' for 7 months... best thing that ever happened. I've moved on, got a few sapling friendships going, and lo and behold, now the orginal group has a new drama they're all in touch as if nowt's happened... slightly different I guess so before I hijack your thread with more of my friendship woes I'll get to the point!

If you have mates who let you down, you don't have to make them your enemies, but make them wait in line, see them at your convenience, get some new mates and 'book' them first. My DH also works away from home for long durations, and it does get lonely, the last thing you need is thoughtlessness from people who KNOW you're on your own.... thoughtlessness is almost as bad as intentional rudeness sometimes.

AgentZigZag is right about feeling OK on your own. If you can achieve that you will not have this need to be 'busy'. Give time and effort to yourself and to liking yourself. Is it possible you take it as a rejection? If you do, it will be so freeing not to experience this as rejection. It isnt about you, people have their own stuff.

It is unkind of people to cancel without real reason but it is their right to change their mind. For me, I wouldn't maintain friendships with people who let me down as a matter of course.

Sounds like you are a very giving person, unfortunatley 'givers' often attract takers. If you build on giving time to yourself (and maybe even to liking yourself more), you may find you attract different friends and your 'takers' seem less attractive as friends.

But you seem to think Threelittleducks, that because of the way you see yourself that that entitles you in some way to the reciprocation.

If you give, then you're giving because it's what you choose to do and because you want to, if you're doing things for your friends in the expectation that they'll be able to drop everything and help if you need it, that's pretty conditional.

I know friendships should be give and take, help each other out in times of need, but when you have dependents sometimes they have to come first.

I wouldn't want a friend who thought they were more important to me than my DC or DH and would think badly of me if I put my family first and not them.

Why are they thoughtless?! They might have genuine reasons for cancelling. Whilst they are your friends, I can't help but feel you are projecting your frustration with your boyfriend onto your friends.

Perhaps, rather than letting them know you're 'pissed off' with them, you could speak to them reasonably about your feelings, like an adult??

Never nice when people cancel, but sometimes it can't be helped!!

I am happy to be on my own?!

I just expect my friends to do what they say they will - ok you sometimes have to cancel but when its regular it pisses me off as that says my feelings are low on their list of priorities. Why afree to do something you have no intention of doing?

Why not just say yes maybe but if a better offer comes up/I can't be arsed I won't thanks. Its not hard.

And as for "casual" friends these are people I consider "close".

Actually, it's all very well to say "learn to be happy in your own company", but for some of us it's not quite that simple. I am an extrovert by nature, and I need people around me to relax, recharge my batteries, and be happy. Not all the time. Not in a needy way. Just because that's how I'm wired. Leave me alone for too long and I become miserable and withdrawn and the effort to get out and find people becomes too much.

The OP has very sensibly planned to see people while her OH is away, because she doesn't want to be on her own all that time. Not out of insecurity, or unhappiness with being alone - out of not wanting to be alone all the time.

OP, I am sorry that you feel your friends are flaky. I would be gutted if that happened to me. Do you think it would make any difference if you explained at the point of making arrangements how much you would be looking forward to it - almost to make them think twice about making an arrangement in the first place, rather than making one they're happy to back out of? IYSWIM?

And this isn't just when I have kid free time - its when I have my kids also.

I am not frustrated with my OH?!

I am there when I say I will be and my idea of a good friend is someone who will do the same.

I agree mymummisasquarehead but it sounds like being let down is becoming a habit for the OP... that would piss anyone off.

I also think that if you're a 'giver' then its your choice, and I don't believe you give to receive... I'm nice to my friends because thats how I like to be, I'm forgiving and mostly, quite considerate... I have cancelled myself for seemingly 'lame' reasons, but don't make it a habit.

Nice guys don't come last, but they do have to sort a lot of wheat and chaff out! I have useless friends who I'll always be there for, even though they're late, or never, even if they're flaky, but they have other qualities that I just adore... others with the same 'flaws' may not fair so well.

I also agree that liking your own company is liberating. I look forward to some weekends with nothing to do and no one to do it with... but if I've arranged something, I don't like being let down unless its either a good reason or accompanied with a random apologetic bottle of vino at some point.

Jeez aldiwhore - I should have a bloody cellar FULL if thats the case

Yeah, we can be happy on our own, but none of us islands and a bit of adult company is very welcome, and who wants to spend all our time with husbands and children? I agree, I'd expect my friends to do as they say they will. I realise sometimes it's just impossible, but when you're let down several times in a short space of time, it does feel a bit shit. I'm very happy on my own, too much so if you ask my DH, but still am disappointed when plans fall through. Casual friends are ones you bump into in the park, not ones you plan whole weekends with. OP, I really sympathise!

If someone is happy to cancel a whole weekend for a 'quiet one' then I doubt telling them how important it is would make a difference. Even your BF (another thread- I know) cancels knowing this exact thing. You cannot make people behave better only deal with it better yourself.

Expectations are the killer of all good things. Anything less than expectations met is a disappointment. If you plan to occupoy yourself and are let down, there needs to be a back up plan. I hate cancellers but I don't want it to upset me. I would say 'would you like to come and stay blah weekend?' and then 'is that a definate yes or a maybe, I was really disappointed when you couldn't come last weekend so if you might cancel it's better to say maybe and we can confirm nearer the time.'

Lots of people have woolly boundaries and agree to things without thinking them through - like your friend who said yes to a weekend after a previous weekend of partying. If you are clear that you are making definate plans, it may be easier for them to say 100% yes.

Domedon hit the nail on why I brought up being OK with your own company, liking yourself is crucial.

I actually did it when I moved into a flat on my own, I kicked my heels by myself for about three months being unhappy, but then I was forced to either carry on as I was or find things to do by myself that made me happy and fulfilled with my life.

Maybe I was lucky?

But if you saw me before and saw me afterwards I was a completely different, and you can say it however else you want but it still comes down to the same thing, I wasn't a needy person any more.

I don't think being totally happy with being alone but disappointed when people cancel is needy

I have the same problem too and it constantly pisses me off- everyone is so wrapped up in themselves these days and seem to have no thought for others- im always there for friends when they've had new babies, moved house, are getting married etc and did any of them reciprocate? No!!

I've had to get over it and move on, the sooner u realise people don't give a shit the sooner you'll not let it bother u as much

The only person I can truly depend on is my DH.