or is my Dad?

[NorthernGobshite]

I am fairly certain I am not and he is but sooo need to rant right now.

My Mum had a car accident on Sunday and rang me on sunday night (9pm) to tell me all about the tests etc she'd had at hospital and that she had a fracture but was okay. I rang last night (6pm) and spoke to my Aunt who lives with my parents, my Mum was out having gone to see her GP for pain killers; she assured me my Mum was well and I said I would ring back today. I rang when I got home from work at 4pm.

My Dad answered the phone, obviously angry and began a tirade of verbal aggression about how I hadn't rang to check on my Mum and how I was selfish etc etc. When my Mum came on the line I was so upset I hung up saying I would call later. I rang back half an hour later, he answered so I said I would only talk to him if he could be reasonable and so he gave the phone to my Mum. I spoke to her for a while and then he took the phone off her, shouted at me some more and hung up on me.

Its now 6.30. Neither of them have rang me back. I am so fucking angry. My dad is an unreasonable bully and always have been, he made my childhood a misery and its only as an adult that I am able to stand up to him. No one else ever does and his behaviour goes unchallenged. But AIBU? What exactly have I done wrong here? I am so pissed off because now if I ring back it will just perpetuate the argument. As usual its now all about him rather than about my Mums accident. My Mum will defend his behaviour as she always does.

spuddy you seem to have very similar relationship with your parents.

I have just had an email saying my letter was nice, and that they love me and are proud etc etc. This is how it works, then we return to the sham of perfect family until the next flare up.....! To be honest, they live far enough away that its easier than perpetuating the argument. I try to call weekly, they want much much more. They don't get it though and continue to think they are wonderful parents.

Thank you all (mostly) for kind words and support. Its hard sometimes. I have mostly processed and moved on from childhood but occasionally it bites me on the arse.

My advice would be to see the facts.........he is getting old and no longer has the power over you he once had, he will hate this and you have obviously learned that standing up to bullies is the only way.

I would feel sorry for him, he will be in utter turmoil regarding his lack of control over you now.

Feel sorry for him?

Not wishing to answer for babaoos, I think what she is saying is that if you can alter the way you think about him then he need not hold the power over you that he currently has. The power to hurt you

I agree I have much more power, and he knows that too, now but I think a parent always retains the power to hurt a child.

You need to go no contact otherwise they'll be yanking your chain till the day they die. I know this, my granny dominated my aunt right up to the moment my granny died, she died screaming abuse at my lovely aunt, she really did. We heard it down the phone. A real fun family moment that was.

Your dad won't change, your mum is his creature, she only knows how to placate him, even if that means making you feel bad.

You should feel sorry for your mum but contempt for your dad.

I thought you just said you were thinking of sending flowers. It wasn't clear to me that you'd actually sent them already. I think that's a nice gesture

sorry if it wasn't clear. I sent them straight after the accident.

Whatever you did would have been wrong. If you'd phoned more regularly you wouldn't have been giving your mum time to rest. Your father is a controlling old man who feels his ability to control slipping and tries to regain it by hurting you.
You have done everything as you should.

Northern - My parents also think they are/were great parents when in actual fact i was/am pitied my anyone who has met them.
I have accepted they wont change but they don't understand 'what's wrong with me' and they never will.
My relationship with my dad has been one long procession of incidents/anecdotes of his awfulness (funny if they weren't so pathetic - i've got some absolute corkers about my wedding and my 21st birthday!!).
At the moment while moving house i am staying with them for a few days. I have done all the cooking and cleaning and bought food, yet they behave as if they are doing me a massive favour. My dad insists i sleep with my mum (as the sound of me going to work bothers him so he needs the attic room) so i don't even have a room of my own to escape to. he goes thru my lunch in the morning and then shouts at my mum that he hasn't had anything made and left for him despite him being in the house all day and fully capable of making himself something.
I just have to take a deep breath and remind myself, this is how they have chosen to live, their relationship with each other is none of my business and i have to set my own boundaries (it is also a generational thing - my father believes women are there to serve men, his wife and children are his property and anyone in his house must do as he says).
Like childcare, i reward their good behaviour and (try) to ignore the bad.
Altho, i do have to remind myself daily, vehicular manslaughter is still a crime - no matter how much i could claim temporary insanity!

Anyway - sorry for going on about me and good luck!