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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is my Dad?

60 replies

NorthernGobshite · 17/05/2011 18:26

I am fairly certain I am not and he is but sooo need to rant right now.

My Mum had a car accident on Sunday and rang me on sunday night (9pm) to tell me all about the tests etc she'd had at hospital and that she had a fracture but was okay. I rang last night (6pm) and spoke to my Aunt who lives with my parents, my Mum was out having gone to see her GP for pain killers; she assured me my Mum was well and I said I would ring back today. I rang when I got home from work at 4pm.

My Dad answered the phone, obviously angry and began a tirade of verbal aggression about how I hadn't rang to check on my Mum and how I was selfish etc etc. When my Mum came on the line I was so upset I hung up saying I would call later. I rang back half an hour later, he answered so I said I would only talk to him if he could be reasonable and so he gave the phone to my Mum. I spoke to her for a while and then he took the phone off her, shouted at me some more and hung up on me.

Its now 6.30. Neither of them have rang me back. I am so fucking angry. My dad is an unreasonable bully and always have been, he made my childhood a misery and its only as an adult that I am able to stand up to him. No one else ever does and his behaviour goes unchallenged. But AIBU? What exactly have I done wrong here? I am so pissed off because now if I ring back it will just perpetuate the argument. As usual its now all about him rather than about my Mums accident. My Mum will defend his behaviour as she always does.

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 17/05/2011 19:42

I have read manic thanks! (hello btw!)

I'm just saying what I would do. I would have rung before work for instance. And probably sent a text at lunchtime

I certainly wouldn't have waited till after work to see if my mom was OK after a car accident

But as I said, no reason to be so shitty with the OP

Original poster

NorthernGobshite · 17/05/2011 19:44

My Dad uses calls as a means of control too. My Mum once rang him 10 mins late when she was on a holiday and he FLIPPED.

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 17/05/2011 19:47

I can see he is horrible bully OP and I think his behaviour is totally 100% out of order

I am just saying what I would've done if it were my mom and I'm very aware that my family is not the same as yours so please don't see it as criticism. I think you have handled him very well

Original poster

NorthernGobshite · 17/05/2011 20:12

No, I welcome comments. Perhaps I should have rang her earlier yesterday but thats not the point now.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 17/05/2011 20:52

Its unfair to put your mum in the middle, she will just end up feeling bullied by the pair of you. She has made her choice to stay, as difficult as that is for you to accept.

Set your bounderies with what you will and won't accept from your father and stick to them, that is your right but your mum doesn't have to hear about it. Make and keep him responsible for the way he behaves, if your mum chooses to excuse his behaviour, it does not mean that you have to.

MadamDeathstare · 17/05/2011 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NorthernGobshite · 17/05/2011 21:49

I have just sent my Dad an email telling him how today has made me feel and that he was unkind and aggressive. We'll see how that goes but I think it may inflame situation. BUT I wanted to keep my Mum out of the middle of things and he needs to know I will not allow him to talk to me like that.

OP posts:

JamieAgain · 18/05/2011 06:22

Northern -- have you ever had anyone to talk to about your childhood? Any support on MN or real life? Stay strong. You are doing well

JamieAgain · 18/05/2011 06:25

I also think MD has a point. Try and by-pass your dad now if you can (although it sounds like your mum may not have much control)

greenlime · 18/05/2011 07:17

Hmmmm

Look I understand the situation, because my dad is the same. However, an email telling him that he was unkind and agressive won't help at all IMO. Abusers are skilled at turning things around and he'll turn it such that - "oh what a difficult time we are going through and instead of supporting me, my daughter sends me nasty emails". I'm not saying your email was nasty - of course it was not - but that's how he's going to paint it. I will also warn you that this sort of person has a very distorted recollection of how things happened in the past. He won't accept that he is abusive - now or ever and you will not change him after all this time.

What you need to do is to decide how you want your relationship with your mum to be. You may need to be civil to your dad in order to achieve this, I don't know. Fortunately, it's easier for me and my mum and dad are divorced.

Original poster

NorthernGobshite · 18/05/2011 17:17

I had an email this morning from my mum accusing me of being a spoiled brat. Think this is on its way to being irrevocably damaged. I have also had one from my dad saying i am in the wrong. so thats it, they have decided i am the one at fault and must be punished.

and what i keep thinking is that this is all caused by - and this is the crux of the matter - that i didn't call at whatever predetermined time my father had decided was acceptable.

jamie, generally my issues from childhood are resolved, and whilst my parents attempt to be very suffocating and involved i keep them at arms length as much as possible. however, occasionally things like this flare up.
last time it was when dd was 1 (she's now 6) and i took her off my dads knee to give her breakfast and he flipped out saying i was stopping him having a relationship with his grandchild!! i came close to cutting them out of my life. i get closer every time.

OP posts:

JamieAgain · 18/05/2011 17:18

Oh dear. Sorry about this.

Original poster

NorthernGobshite · 18/05/2011 18:10

greenlime, you have hit the nail on the nead. he will never accept he is abusive or controlling, his emails say as much but i am now 38 years old and i am not going to bite my tongue anymore about his appalling behaviour. my mother, whilst a victim, is just as capable of being vicious and nasty. she chose to stay with him, her problem. i don't have to take it.

OP posts:

chelstonmum · 18/05/2011 19:31

Respect is a two way street regardless of the relationship. You are not respected by themand you don't want your DD growing up seeing that either. x

CurrySpice · 18/05/2011 20:02

Oh no! I'm sorry it didn't work out :(

It sounds like your mom is very much in his thrall :(

bluebobbin · 18/05/2011 20:21

NGS - Is there any chance that your dad wrote the email that came from your mum?

either way, though.

I would recommend just distancing yourself rather than getting into a verbal battle. In order to cut someone off, you don't actually need to announce it to them, you just need to stop contacting them in the first instance. I am just thinking a bit of a macabre thought - (and I apologise for writing this) - but if your dad dies before your mum, it might be good to leave the door to her open, rather than closing it by explicitly cutting them off.

I am very sorry though.

Original poster

NorthernGobshite · 18/05/2011 20:26

bluebobbin, no the language style was very much my mum. he is many things but he wouldn't do that. when he says things to hurt he wants them to come from him.

i know what you mean, i do think about how i would feel if they died - i don't hate them, i just don't want their toxins in my life. i am unlikely to cut off contact completely but i think this has damaged things for ever. if things get resolved on any level, i will be having a lot less contact. they are suffocating in their levels of contact and that has always been an issue.

OP posts:

diddl · 19/05/2011 08:11

Going back to the OP, I can see how your Dad might be angry that you didn´t phone until after work Mon & Tue.

But oh my goodness-what drama-your mum could simply have said that she didn´t like/agree with what you had written.

They sound as bad as each other tbh & I think no as little contact as possible sounds best.

Original poster

NorthernGobshite · 01/06/2011 10:16

So, quick update. I get a curt, short email from my Dad saying pretend it never happened...which obviously didn't mean that at all. SO I have rang 2 0r 3 times to say hi to my Mum and see how she is and each time has felt very tense and uncomfortable. I am now reluctant to ring. She hasn't rang me which is unusual as they ring us all the time.

I have sent my mum a letter. just saying that when i ring it feels tense so a letter might be nicer. its not accusing or nasty and is full of news of what dd has been up to etc.....I now feel anxious for their reaction. WHY? At 38 years old, why am I still so worried by their fucking reaction?

OP posts:

Vicky2011 · 01/06/2011 12:13

NorthernG I think you are playing into both of their hands a bit by keeping in touch. They both sound power crazed loons, your Dad worse than your mum admittedly but if she really thought your Dad had been that unreasonable you would be able to tell and she wouldn't be being curt with you on the phone. I think the best thing you can do is not contact them. Wait till they need something from you. Believe me you'll hear from them soon enough then.

glassofwhiteanybody · 01/06/2011 14:25

I'd send flowers to your Mum with a "Get well soon" card

If she's just been in a car accident and has a fracture, this isn't the best time to focus on your difficult relationship -save that for later

MonstaMunch · 01/06/2011 14:33

Maybe there is more wrong with your mum than they are letting on and are worried sick, and your arguments are just making them stress out more

Spuddybean · 01/06/2011 14:51

Oh Dear it sounds really awful. They sound very similar to my parents - your dad especially.
Whenever my parents get like this (which goes in cycles - i get closer to them, they increase contact, i cross some arbitrary unwritten rule, all hell breaks loose) i just distance myself. I nicely explain i'm busy, and call only once a week, dont visit for a while.
This has had a much better effect than arguing. They are aggressive/highly strung as it is the last thing to calm down a situation is to add to it with emotions and anger.
Dont play the game.

Incidentally my father is a text book narcissist, maybe you should look into whether your dad is too. There are brill books on how to deal with them.

JamieAgain · 01/06/2011 14:54

Thanks for updating. I guess the reason you feel like this, at 38 is because you are still, inside the same person who didn't want to upset them, and wanted their approval. Don't beat yourself up about that. I have no personal experience but Spuddybean sounds on the money

Original poster

NorthernGobshite · 01/06/2011 17:05

glassof if you read the post you'd see I sent flowers virtually straight away.

OP posts:

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