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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am i being unreasonable to say no

56 replies

crunchie9 · 17/05/2011 16:44

I told my boyfriend to please not go on a stag do to ibiza 2 weeks after our baby is due...he wasn't very happy about it. I have been saving to be able to take maternity leave and had to cancel my booked holiday as the pregnancy was not planned and lost the money. am i being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 17/05/2011 17:27

No, you are not being unreasonable.
Tbh I am always a bit Hmm when women want their dps to not go anywhere in the weeks before.
Of course a baby can come early but most likely they will be at home fior nothing.

But two weeks after you are very likely to need help and support.
He should not be going away if it is avoidable.

Original poster
crunchie9 · 17/05/2011 17:27

I'm due 12th june...so not long to go now jeckadeck....
he also got me a little by surprise because he is not the party every week kinda guy...we get along great normally...and he's been lovely and great all throughout the pregnancy

OP posts:
Original poster
crunchie9 · 17/05/2011 17:30

I wouldn't mind it if it was just a drive away and for one night ...but not when its a plane ride away and for 4/5 days...just don't think i'll want to be on my own at that time...especially not knowing how all is going to turn out and how i'm going to be feeling and coping

OP posts:
cannydoit · 17/05/2011 17:35

hahahahahaha is he deranged, i mean really. i remember my ex suggesting something similar and i remember just looking at him. i must have looked like a very pregnant nuclear bomb ready to go off in his face because he then said, oh never mind silly idea.
it is really inconsiderate of him to even suggest it.

startail · 17/05/2011 17:40

Assuming baby has arrived, He'll be too tired to wake up in time for the plane Grin
My DH had a project several hours drive away when DD1 was tiny, he refused to stay over and drove there and back several times a week. He still remembers how tired he was 13 years later.

grumblinalong · 17/05/2011 17:46

Just ask him 'What if I need a CS or I'm overdue, or I have to be induced. Would you really leave me on my own to cope with any of these situations?'

YADNBU.

He sounds very naive, he won't want to go when the baby is actually here and he will realise he has been an arse. Your own newborn child is a very powerful thing and there is no way any parent would want to go when he/she arrives. DH was gutted to even have to go to work.

Original poster
crunchie9 · 17/05/2011 17:52

:) i hope so

OP posts:
HubbaHubbaBubba · 17/05/2011 17:52

I'm going to stick up for him.

BUT [before I get well and truly flamed] only in that if this is his first child, and he has little experience of other children, he may genuinely not realise how tiring the first few weeks can be .

I say this because my DH (now an experienced father of 3), when asked prior to DC1 being born how long he was going to take for paternity leave, said "oh, maybe a couple of days" - to which my girlfriends all shrieked at him and laid in to him (poor sod! :o) about how ridiculous that would be etc etc - it just hadn't occurred to him (as he hadn't thought about it for months and months like I had!) what having a baby might entail.

Maybe show him this thread?

SnuffleTurtle153 · 17/05/2011 18:16

He should be able to get his head around the idea that the OP is going to need his support, though, even if he hasn't realised how tiring the first few weeks can be. I agree... show him the thread. He needs to know how you're feeling.

ChippingIn · 17/05/2011 18:28

Do you think he's going because he's kicking against being responsible for this baby - that he's freaking out?

You said it was unplanned & you call him your boyfriend - would I be right in assuming you are both quite young and haven't been together for very long?

Have you really talked about how it's all going to be when the baby arrives?

Sorry, I'm not wording this very well tonight - it has been a long day. I'm not being judgey at all, I just get the feeling that you have a lot you need to talk about and instead of talking to you, he's doing something very selfish to kind of prove he still can... does that make any sense?

What other support do you have?

[If it needs saying again YANBU]

NotYourPrincess · 17/05/2011 18:33

My dh went away to Edinburgh to watch rugby for the weekend when dd was 5 weeks old. I felt that I couldn't ask him to stay as he bought the tickets before I even got of and he was really excited about it. It was horrendous and I didn't forgive him for months. I suffered from PND shortly after and we had joint counselling sessions - our doctor told us that if he'd done that, his wife would have killed him!

I think it was really detrimental to our relationship as it left me feeling unsupported and alone at a time when I was already feeling vulnerable. You will need more support than you or he could ever imagine at this stage, so I'm not surprised that he can't quite get his head around it, but if I were you I'd try to explain it. Or take him along to your midwife and have her tell him what a terrible idea it is!

NotYourPrincess · 17/05/2011 18:34

Sorry, of course the gist of that was - yanbu!

alittlebitcountry · 17/05/2011 18:39

I agree with all the comments on potential late arrival, tiredness and support for you but its also worth pointing out to him how utterly amazing the first few weeks are and how much he will miss his child and probably regret this far more than missing out on a stag do.

ClipArt · 17/05/2011 18:47

YANBU

HubbaHubbaBubba · 17/05/2011 18:57

Spot on alittlebitcountry

Original poster
crunchie9 · 17/05/2011 19:53

Thx all!!!! Really appreciate it!!!!!! Have made me feel more at ease with it all

:)

OP posts:
Original poster
crunchie9 · 17/05/2011 19:54

if he doesn't come round will show him this thread. Thx again

OP posts:
Piglet28 · 17/05/2011 20:01

my baby was 10 days late I would be fuming if my DP went on holiday 4 days after the birth. It is selfish. YANBU!

catinthehat2 · 17/05/2011 20:05

"alittlebitcountryTue 17-May-11 18:39:58
I agree with all the comments on potential late arrival, tiredness and support for you but its also worth pointing out to him how utterly amazing the first few weeks are and how much he will miss his child and probably regret this far more than missing out on a stag do"

actually, that is spot on, need to remember that point when this AIBU comes round again. good comment

jenga079 · 17/05/2011 20:09

YANBU!!!!!!

For what it's worth, he's not alone in being a knob deluded about parenthood. My DP is absolutely delighted with the festival tickets he's bought us for two weeks after our LO is due. After an initial blow out about it I have bitten my tongue and agreed with his "let's see how you're feeling once baby is here" argument so far but checked my ebay account is up to date and that festival tickets are being sold for a profit on it

There is No Way In The World I would bite my tongue about a foreign stag do though!

onetwoflea · 17/05/2011 20:32

YANBU but there are some slightly hysterical posts here (for good reason -they get their point across). You will survive, even if he does go. My DH left for work (away, and I have no family nearby) after the birth at 2 weeks, 1 week and 4 days respectively for each child. For the last two births obviously I had one then two toddlers also to care for and no help. You will manage. I am not medal hunting, just saying there are lots of women around who've done it!

RedHotPokers · 17/05/2011 20:42

I spent the whole of my first pregnancy in denial so can't really blame someone else for doing the same. It is not unfair of your DP to suggest going, or for having no clue about what is in store when baby arrives, but it IS unfair of him not to listen to your very real concerns and take them seriously.

My DH had booked a sports holiday overseas with his friends before I found out I was pg. It turned out that it would be 5/6 weeks before I was due. I knew I was probably BU, but my DM had me 6w early and my DSis 4w early so I wasn't prepared to take the chance (as it was DD was only 2w early!). I asked DH not to go and told him I was happy for him to put the money aside (he had only paid a small deposit so didn't lose much) for another year when we were more settled. He went the following year instead, which was fine.

CocktailQueen · 17/05/2011 20:42

YANBU! He can go to Ibiza any old tiem, what's the mad panic now when you could have the baby when he's there? Babies can be up to 2 weks late. And if the baby is here then he will need to be here to - um - parent it! Help you! enjoy his dc's first weeks. Honestly. what a selfish git.

RedHotPokers · 17/05/2011 20:43

Jenga - PMSL about the festival tickets. Is he actuallu suggesting you both go with 2wo baby, or that only he goes??

jenga079 · 17/05/2011 20:56

I think he thought we could leave the baby by then RedHot. He did say 'obviously if you're still sore then I'll take someone else'. Erm... Right...

Don't worry. I've put him straight (as have all of our friends and family!) and he is generally brilliant so I'm keeping quiet now and fully expecting him to mutter something along the lines of 'hm, right, parenthood is actually pretty full time isn't it' and quietly sell the tickets himself, but look out for me back here if he doesn't!