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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to meet and look after my baby before thinking of going back to work!

36 replies

Newmummytobe79 · 17/05/2011 15:47

AIBU to be upset by DH?s family who keep asking me when I?m going back to work and planning what days they can look after baby when I?m only just over half way through my pregnancy?

My Mum has been really supportive and has kindly offered to look after baby when I decide to go back to work ? which I am over the moon about and can?t thank her enough for her offer. My MIL then pretty much begged (borderline told) me to give her baby one day a week (which I thought was lovely and very kind) so I graciously accepted.

My SIL is now offering one day a week and I really don?t want to take another day off my Mum (I haven?t told her about MIL yet) and if I?m totally honest I don?t want my child brought up the same way as hers.

I genuinely am so touched that she wants to look after my baby but I just feel so suffocated! I feel like I?m having my baby taken away from me before I?ve even met him/her and learnt how to look after baby myself.

I really don?t want to even think about going back to work yet and although I know I should be grateful that I won?t have to put my baby into paid childcare ? I just feel like I?m the baby oven and they can?t wait to take him/her from me and for me to get back to work.

Has anyone else had this happen to them?

x

OP posts:
HazeltheMcWitch · 17/05/2011 15:52

Of course you want to meet your baby before you can think about going back to work!

Poor you, feeling suffocated right now. Not a good feeling, especially now. Maybe there is another way to look at this. Perhaps they are just trying to make you feel supported, feel that they are there for you.

Maybe have that thought in your head when you say to them 'thanks very much for your lovely offers. Of course you'll understand that I really can't make plans to go back to work now; I need to know what it feels like to become a mum first!"

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 17/05/2011 15:56

YANBU
Mine was more when are you going to stop BFing so that we can look after him
DS is now 2yo I was TOLD on sunday that SIL will now take him to soft play on a sat! I work 4 days a week and love my Saturday's with him!

Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 17/05/2011 15:58

Hi HazeltheMcWitch,

Thanks so much for not thinking I'm a c*w! I have to admit I don't see them as often as I feel I should as I work such long hours and I do think they think they won't get to see baby much. I've tried to make them feel secure by talking about all the visits I'll make with baby and how we can go for lunch/shopping together but they seem more interested in just getting baby. Guess I'm just being a tad sensitive and I will try and see it in a supportive light! x

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 17/05/2011 16:01

EdwardorEricCantDecide - I'm shocked! That's just so unfair - I hope you have TOLD your SIL how much you love your Saturdays and that you'll decide what your son does! I hope it works out ok for you x

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 17/05/2011 16:04

I think at this stage you have no idea how gifted you have been at being offered 3 days free child care a week. You are extremely lucky.

sims2fan · 17/05/2011 16:05

Yanbu but I do think that you need to put your foot down now. If you've already decided your mum will have him a few days and your MIL one then say to your SIL "it's so kind if you to offer but the child care arrangements have already been arranged. Thanks so much for the offer though." If you give her false hope she will keep going on about it and either be more hurt when you finally say no, or you will end up giving in when you don't want to. Better to let her down now.

Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 17/05/2011 16:05

IslaValarrgeone - I truly do understand how gifted I am, I really do.

OP posts:
FutureNannyOgg · 17/05/2011 16:05

Crikey, nice to have options, but they seem to be laying it on a bit thick.

I would thank them very much and say I'd bear it in mind but no firm decisions until life as a mum has settled down. You don't have to tell work until 28 days before!!

If you asked me halfway through pg I would have said I was going back full time by 6 months. I went part time and held off until 9 because I realised I'd rather tighten my belt than spend more time working than with my child. I didnt think we could manage, SMP showed me we could.

I actually retrained on mat leave too, so once I have worked my contract out, I can start a whole new family friendly career.

So much can change for you in the next year YANBU

Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 17/05/2011 16:07

sims2fan - I will do. Next time it's mentioned - wuss I know!

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 17/05/2011 16:12

Aw FutureNannyOgg you have just made me :)

I really don't know how I'll feel after I've had baby and I'll only be going back to work because I have to - not because I want to - hense feeling suffocated now!

I'm glad SMP showed you can tighten your belt - I'm hoping the same happens for me! x

OP posts:
EdwardorEricCantDecide · 17/05/2011 16:27

I just kind of ignored her nodded at the time, babies are very inconvenient for her and I think she's showing an interest because her friend now takes her nephew for a day at w/e and they want to playdate together.
She gas asked several times in the past when she can have him overnight the last time she asked that I asked her to change a nappy she flapped as it had poo in it and I had to take over, I told her she can have him when he's potty trained Grin
I agree that u shouldn't even be thinking about your return to work now u sound a lot like me that u would give up work if u could afford to. I'm pg with DC2 and already counting the days till I finish up again.

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 17/05/2011 16:29

Sorry think I missed my own point there, the reason I didn't reply to SIL is because she'll probably forget all about it in a few weeks if not my weekends won't be quite so precious when on mat leave she can take him then Grin

Potplant · 17/05/2011 16:35

My MIL said she was going to take early retirement and look after my baby before I'd even had my first scan!

Just tell them that you haven'teven thought about going back to work yet but you'll keep in mind their generous offers. Presumably you've at least 12 months before you will have to think about this, a lot can change.

Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 17/05/2011 16:36

hahaha - definitely ignore it until DC2 comes along! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 17/05/2011 16:40

Wow Potplant - that's forward planning by your MIL! Yes I do have a long time to think about it yet. Hope you managed to sort out any issues you may have had!

Think I'm just feeling my way around to find out if I'm being a c*w or not! I really have an issue about being a bad daughter/sister in law (which I am far from!) and just want to check I'm not being unreasonable so very much appreciate the YANBU's! :)

Hoping becoming a Mum will toughen me up a bit! x

OP posts:
SugarPasteFrog · 17/05/2011 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Potplant · 17/05/2011 16:48

Newmummytobe79 - I think she was looking for an excuse to leave tbh.

She does help out a lot and I couldn't manage without her but she never did full time care, I mixed it up with my mum and nursery. Just as well as my PILs went on a six week cruise just after I went back to work giving me just two weeks notice. If she had been my only childcare option I would have been screwed!

stickytoffeepud · 17/05/2011 16:50

tell them you arent going back

end of

Bonsoir · 17/05/2011 16:51

Your baby isn't a toy to be passed around! Leave your baby with your mother and let everyone else know that. Your poor baby won't appreciate being looked after by a different person every day.

BikeRunSki · 17/05/2011 16:53

I don't know your financial need/intellectual driver when and if to go back to work, but it is very useful to know what your options are as early as possible.

ohmyfucksy · 17/05/2011 16:56

Gosh you're very lucky to get all this free childcare! But I agree with Bonsoir that it's best for the baby to have as few carers as possible, so I would let your mother do as much as she wants and make up the rest with MIL/SIL

Eglu · 17/05/2011 17:00

I think 3 different carers a week would be a nightmare for your baby and for you.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 17/05/2011 17:04

At 5 months pregnant I thought I would go back to work, because I thought I would have to.
I never went back. It is amazing what you can do without, although I admit that DH has been able to increase his earnings to more than compensate for the loss of mine now that we are a couple of years down the line.

Don't make any firm plans now.

jeckadeck · 17/05/2011 17:04

Although I'm quite jealous of the free childcare you'll be getting I agree that it's annoying to have people deciding what is going to happen to you and your children before the baby is even born. I think you need to set boundaries very clearly now, before the baby arrives. It sounds like you are more comfortable with your MIL as carer than your SIL, in which case just say to SIL that although you're very grateful to her etc etc you've already got the two days a week you need covered, you need to work three days and therefore you won't need her to look after your baby. Whether or not that's strictly true she doesn't need to know and that way you have clearly established that you're in control of this, not your in-laws.

redexpat · 17/05/2011 18:17

YANBU. "It's a lovely offer, but I don't know yet exactly how things will work out. Could we cross that bridge when we come to it?"