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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that for once DH should say sorry

57 replies

meemu28 · 17/05/2011 00:31

I moved out of DH's house a year ago and seem to spend every weekend there. I also go there to clean during the day as after 8 years he has forgotten how to do it himself.

I am currently not working but have been offered a self employed position that I am very excited about. DH now wants to know when I am moving back in.

DH has DSS (8) every weekend but does nothing except lie on the sofa whilst I orginise meals, entrertainment etc. We also have a 1 yr old and I have a 12 year old from a previous relationship.

This weekend I have been typing and photographing stuff on Ebay as well as doing the usual washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning stuff at his. I had put my 1 yr old to bed and snuggled up to her for 10 mins when he barged into the bedroom saying ' I am glad you can have a f*ing sleep whilst I am downstairs with them two (SS and DS), I wanted you to put some stuff on Ebay for me'.

I explained I was only snuggling my DD and would be down in 5 mins to do it but he marched of and then started shouting at my DS for having his feet on the sofa.

Obviously I left immediately with my DS and DD (after waking her) as I thought he was being unreasonable and ridiculous.

I went back 45 mins later to pick up DS's Jumper and asked where my SS was only for him to tell me in a smug tone of voice that he had taken him home.

I am so angry with him that he cannot even look after his own child esp. since this has now become my fault.

I rang him today to see if he wanted me to make his dinner when he got back from work and he said, 'no, I will sort myself out'. Something he has not managed to do in 8 years.

I am so sick of being the one to apologise even when I don't know what I have done, just to keep the peace and I am fed up of him having a go a my DS when he is in a bad mood even though we have to treat the SS with kid gloves as he is sensitive.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 17/05/2011 00:32

That sounds really hard :( He needs to buck his ideas up! What are you getting out of this relationship?

BluddyMoFo · 17/05/2011 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

meemu28 · 17/05/2011 00:45

I should mention that my DH has been feeling under pressure lately as I have not returned to work after having my DD. I must also admit I love having my own space where DIY jobs get done there and then (by me) instead of waiting abount 5 years. My DS is also happier but I think that is because I spoil him a little. DD is not happy as she is a daddy's girl.

OMG. I can't win. So much for a peacefullife. I am sure he resents me giving up my well paid job to spend time with DD being self employed.

I think he wants that manly feeling of being reliant on him!

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 17/05/2011 00:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/05/2011 00:50

O dear: you invested 8 years in stock that was never going to give you a fair return.

You may have physically moved out, but it seems you haven't moved on.

If you want to relive history, move back.

If you don't want to move forward, carry on as you are.

If you want a better quality of life for you and your dcs, seize the moment, cut your losses, and promise yourself that you'll invest your time wisely in future.

Beth24 · 17/05/2011 00:55

Are you serious? Surely this is a wind up? You are telling me - you don't actually live there, yet you do all the housework for free? He has a go at you for wanting to cuddle your daughter for a few minutes? He cannot be arsed to look after his own son - to the extent that he dumps him back home as soon as you leave (what the hell does that say to his son about how much he values him?) and you then phone him to see if he wants you to cook his dinner tonight?????????????????? Nobody is that desperate for male company to put up with that kind of shit.......Either this is a total wind up or there is a photo of you in the dictionary underneath the word 'Mug'.

If you are genuine then for goodness sake, grow some self respect and dump the knob on his arse from a great height...... I'm sorry if that is blunt but for goodness sake women grow a spine! Your self respect is worth way, way more than anything you could possibly be getting from this waste of space......

Vallhala · 17/05/2011 00:56

Excuse me? You're seperated from DH (presumably for good reason) and yet you go and clean his house for him????

What are you, a housemaid?

Think about it - if you're happy to clean for someone (and no shame in that) why not do so for someone who is PAYING you, so you can further provide for your DC, not for your lazy, expectant ex?

If you love him and given that you share DC with him then share a home and chores with him... but DON'T be his bloody servant! If he is unwilling to accept all the things that being a part of a family brings then walk away. It sounds like he wants all the benefits of having a wife (read housekeeper) without the responsibility... and what does that do for YOU or your self-respect, example to the DC or ability to be self-sufficient?

Beth24 · 17/05/2011 01:03

"I think he wants that manly feeling of being reliant on him!"

No, he wants that manly feeling of sitting on his arse on the sofa whilst his skivvy runs around and does all the work, why should he get off his arse and do anything if you are prepared to do it for him........ please listen to what you are saying here.... I hope it is just that you are too close to it to see it at the moment but please step back look at the situation and stop making excuses to try and convince yourself that you are not being used and taken for a mug......

BitOfFun · 17/05/2011 01:11

Are you separated or not?

Original poster

meemu28 · 17/05/2011 01:14

Ok maybe I am resentful of being a bit of a 'mug' but he has paid off my overdraft twice and............... I was trying to think of something else but can't besides anything financial. I really don't want to have another failed long term relationship behind me.

OP posts:

piprabbit · 17/05/2011 01:18

Please feel free to ignore this question if you want - I think it is relevant, but you may not.

Do you still sleep with your H?

Sounds like he gets the benefits of having a partner, while being able to walk away from the tough bits (like being kind, considerate and thoughtful).

Silver1 · 17/05/2011 01:22

Meemu28 That's nice that he has paid you by paying your OD for services rendered but you are not a hooker-so being treated with a bit more respect is not unreasonable.
This relationship hasn't really failed as it doesn't sound like it was ever successful to start with-good grief that man can't look after his or any other child and you think he can support you (emotionally not financially) in life?

Take some time out, become strong in yourself and then go and find a relationship that enhances that not crushes it.

KickArseQueen · 17/05/2011 01:24

Sorry Meemu, I think its failed whether its behind you or not! He sounds like a twunt tho!

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 17/05/2011 01:28

OK, if he paid off your overdraft and this is why you are acting as his servant, calculate what the going rate is for a cleaner/housekeeper in your area. Say it's £10 an hour (I have no idea what the hourly rates are). If your overdraft was £100 that means you 'owe' him 100 hours housekeeping work. When you've done that much, stop. and tell him he will either have to do it himself or pay you.

aurynne · 17/05/2011 01:32

meemu28, you are not "a bit of a mug". You are probably the biggest mug I have read about in MN for a long, long time. Why don't you just lie in front of the door when he arrives home, so he can clean his shoes on you?

I am actually embarrassed just reading your words.

Original poster

meemu28 · 17/05/2011 01:32

Thanks for your comments although I think I am not going to throw away 8 yrs and yes we do occasionally have sex although he does sem to pop DD in our bed a lot. (Best contraception in the world). I have to say though that every time i see him take his top off or i walk behind him and see his bum I am lustful. I just dont think he sees me the same way as I have gone from an 8 to a 14. even I am not happy about it but i just cant stop eating?

OP posts:

MumblingRagDoll · 17/05/2011 01:42

Just at the way you are choosing to live your life Meemu28

MumblingRagDoll · 17/05/2011 01:44

"I don't know what I have done"

You have acted in such a way that it is impossible for him to respect you. You cook and clean after a man who treats your DS badly, you badly and cannot even be bothered to live with you.

Silver1 · 17/05/2011 01:58

Meemu did you have a troubled childhood.
For someone to get to having two children to be so proud of but no self respect someone must have seriously messed with your head.

RespectTheDoughnut · 17/05/2011 02:01

Sometimes I really hope that a thread is a wind up, rather than believe that someone is living as they describe. This is one of those times.

BitOfFun · 17/05/2011 02:05

I find this difficult to believe too. It's all very sad.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/05/2011 02:07

"I really don't want to have another failed long term relationship behind me". No problem; all you have to do is move forward and don't look back.

Or would you prefer to draw this failed relationship out for another 8 years?

If so, you need to post on a 'hopelessRus' site because I suspect that you'll receive scant sympathy or approval here.

For goodness sake woman, put the needs of your ds above the fact that your ex-arse has a comely behind, and think of what kind of role model you'll be for your dd if you continue to delude yourself that you're anything other than a convenience for her selfish father.

jeckadeck · 17/05/2011 07:15

not wanting to have a failed relationship behind you isn't a good reason to stay in a situation where you are being exploited. It would be bad enough if you were doing all the housework and being shouted at if you lived together. But the idea that you live separately, barely have sex (and presumably don't do much together socially either) and yet you still do the lion's share of his housework beggars belief. Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like some home truths are in order. This isn't a relationship he's taking the piss and taking advantage of your goodwill in a big way and it doesn't sound like he has any respect for you. His having paid off your overdraft is an irrelevance, it doesn't oblige you to stay in an unhappy relationship. Get out while you're young enough and have the dignity and willpower to move on. Seriously.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 17/05/2011 07:33

so, you don't live together, you just cook and clean for him and run round after him, sometimes sleep with him and he sometimes gives you money, he shouts at you and sneers at you?

and you don't want the relationship to fail?

honey. it ain't succeeding right now!

Snorbs · 17/05/2011 07:35

Why did you move out a year ago?

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