To hate my SIL for not coming to visit our DD when she was born...

[jackisparrow]

DD is 3.5 years old now. I don't know what is wrong with her - I have only ever met her twice in my life. When my DH and I got married I was very much into making family get togethers important. I forgave her that she didn't come to our wedding and invited her to our house for dinner nearly every weekend for about 3 months and she never came nor has she ever invited me or DH around.

We haven't spoken to her in 4 years now. When DD was born she didn't bother coming around to see her or even phone up to ask if I was okay during pregnancy or if I was okay after childbirth. I can't imagine not caring about my brother's children, yet here is a specimen who doesn't give two shits about her brother's only child, yet her other nephew and niece of her other two brothers are showered with gifts and love.

I didn't have anything against this woman, but I hate her with a passion and have sworn that she is to have no contact with my daughter EVER even if I die or if she wants to make contact with her niece, IT WON'T HAPPEN. My DD doesn't even know her Dad has a sister.

DH seems like he doesn't care about it. Whenever we have a fight he tells me that she's his sister and he can't leave her. As far as I know, he hasn't been around her house in 4 years, but then I don't know where he is every minute of the day. TBH I have gotten over it now, it is better she isn't in our lives, but I don't understand how DH can't be angry with her? I don't think I could still feel the love for a brother or sister if they didn't come and meet my DD.

Just a bit of background - a cultural thing, and don't really want to go into too much detail - DH's told me that she didn't want me to marry him and even told him not to marry me, but he refused and told her he wasn't going to break our engagement as he loved me and didn't want to disrespect me or my family. My husband and I are both of the same culture. In my family, my brother has married into another culture, and I love my SIL and nieces and nephew with all my heart. You can't ignore blood ties can you?

So what the F is wrong with this bitch of a woman? If you didn't like your SIL would you ignore the birth of a child? How can you hate a child?

Sorry for the rant. I needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening.

I'm thinking you should be thankful she isn't trying to contact your DD... leave it. No one needs to deal with that kind of family. I recently read a great quote from a mother about her daughter in response to the rest of the family's attitude towards the daughters career and I think it is most fitting in general.

"In my opinion, the value of a family is directly related to how much those within it admire and respect one another."

Do you see your inlaws? Is it you she has a problem with? Or your dh? Need a bit more info...

We never see my dh's brother either as he is a prick who doesn't want to see my dh or us at all (he just says he dislikes his brother when asked even though my dh has never done anything to him) so I completely understand your hate towards her.

Some people are arseholes and she is one of them

Maybe you should go and directly confront her on what the problem is?

There is nothing in your post to suggest that your SIL has any strong feelings about you and your family at all - she has simply cut contact for some reason which she has chosen not to share with you. It may be that her reasons are valid and you should respect her choice.

Meanwhile, I think you should try to let go of the 'hate' you are experiencing. Hate is a very powerful, corrosive emotion with a tendency to damage those who feel it. Your SIL is not worth you wasting all that energy and emotion on hating her. Put your energies into positive emotions - loving and nurturing your little family.

P.S. threatening to stop your SIL seeing your DD, when she clearly doesn't want to see your DD, seems like a pointlessly dramatic gesture.

Have been with DP for five years, DD is 2.5 and I have never even spoken to his mother on the phone. She is yet to meet her Granddaughter. I do not understand, and now I am sort of past caring.

On the plus side, it's one fewer in-law to deal with.

I am unsure why you are arguing with DH over a woman you haven't had contact with for 4 years?

You are getting a bit overexcited about something that may never happen.

In your situation I wouldn't even be wasting my time thinking about her and coming up with all these scenarios that may never happen.

You have an extended family for your daughter to enjoy, you don't need her

If this isn't affecting your day to day life as such why are you letting it get to you?

You seem to want your DH to do something, but surely it is better to just ignore and get on with your life. You probably wouldn't get any satisfaction if you did confront her. She is ignoring your child probably because she thinks that it will hurt you both, it is up to you not to let it. Do not let her be the one in charge. She has had no say up to now and will not unless you let your feelings towards her behaviour spoil your family.

GotArt, that is a lovely quote and very true. My sister and aunt also say I should be thankful she isn't involved, and that I have tried to make contact and she refused so why cry about it? I just feel bad that she actually hates my DD that much?

Hairfullofsnakes - I think it's gotten beyond the point of asking her what the problem is. It's swept under the carpet with my DH's side of the family. The few times I've mentioned it to people in his family, they change the subject. I get on great with my BIL's and even they say that she is a bit strange and doesn't meet them either.

piprabbit - you are absolutely right, thank you for the advice. I think I am getting over the hate now after 3 years.

tether, sorry your DP's mother hasn't met your DD yet. That must be heartbreaking too.

I think it's more heartbreaking for DP TBH. She's just not interested.

I'm glad she's not in my life.

That's another way to look at it Birdsgottafly - thanks for that. I definitely don't want to give her the satisfaction.

Diggingintheribs - thanks, I know I shouldn't be wasting my energies thinking about her, but I just think of how someone could blank a little child, and it hurts me alot.

I would just like to add, this has all surfaced again as I am pregnant with DC2.

tether, if you don't mind me asking, does your DP talk about his mother at all? Because DH doesn't ever mention her. I;m thinking maybe my DH is heartbroken by his sister too....and me saying stupid things musn't help much...

I know, but she isn't blanking a child from the sounds of it, she's blanking her whole family. Maybe there is something going on with her that you don't know (something traumatic) that is causing her to step away.

The one thing I have learnt is never apply your family dynamics to the in laws - look at them as a different species. I can't get my head around the way DH's family interacts so I just leave them to it.

Does she have kids? Some people just don't see kids as being precious until they do and she may not even understand what she is missing. There are plenty of threads on here about in laws/friends who show no interest in new additions to the family so you are not alone!

I suspect that your SIL doesn't hate your DD. I doubt that she has formed any sort of image of your DD as she has never met her, even as a baby. She sounds like she is one of those people who doesn't really do empathy or understanding other people. If she is that lacking in imagination, she is probably completely unable to visualise what her brother's daughter would look like, how she would be behaving etc.

She doesn't understand what she is missing out on through not having a relationship with her niece.

You mention that she has no contact with her other brothers - so this behaviour isn't targetted at either you or your DD. Please try and take comfort from the fact that it sounds like it is all about her, and her inability to maintain a relationship with her family. It is not about you - although you sadly experience the fallout.

I'm in a somewhat similar position - I've been with DP 5 years and we're about to have DC2 in a couple of weeks.

Neither I nor DS have ever met DPs mother, brother, or nephews or nieces and I've only spoken to his mother once on the phone. None of us get birthday or Christmas cards from them or any of that stuff.

But the difference is, I certainly don't feel like thay hate us. I doubt they have any opinion on us at all, and I don't really have any opinion on them either. I don't know them, and I certainly wouldn't let them have any effect on my life.

Families are different. Just because your DH's family are not close to you doesn't mean they hate you, and there's really no reason for you to hate them.

Let it go. You're only hurting yourself here.

Jack, DP mentions her very infrequently. I think he just doesn't want to face the fact that she is rejecting him.

DH's told me that she didn't want me to marry him and even told him not to marry me, but he refused and told her he wasn't going to break our engagement as he loved me and didn't want to disrespect me or my family.

The Op's SIL clearly does have a problem with her. You are within your rights to say that your DD has no contact with her aunt, if the aunt were to become interested after you were out of the picture. In the mean time you are lucky to not have anything to do with her from the sound of it.

Why waste time and energy thinking about this with such passion and hatred? For some reason she chooses to cut off her brother, seems to be due to her disapproval of your marriage. She is definitely the unreasonable one, but isn't it best for you to try and not dwell on it? Fuming won't make you feel any better. If one day she realizes all that she is missing out on in her db and dn's lives, and wants to visit, please consider saying yes.
Holding onto anger is like a hot stone, it burns the one who hold it. Probably a bad idea to argue with your dh about the situation, it is not of his doing, not his fault, and there is nothing he can do about this.

I am sure he would like his sister to be part of your lives, even if only a few visits a year. You can't force someone to like you, it may insult or hurt you, but try your best to shrug and say "her loss". If she despises you this much and you argue with your dh, isn't that exactly what she is hoping for? Be better than that.

Thanks for the advice I am getting everyone. I guess I should be greatful she is keeping her distance. I would rather that, than have to sit face to face with someone nearly every weekend who has an obvious problem with me.

Thanks sockshitter (I really hope you're not the original sockshitter ;)) I am hoping like madamdeathstare said, that DD will have no interest in spending time with an aunt who doesn't even acknowledge her.

SIL does have children - she has two. My BIL bought the elder one around once last summer, and on the way home he apparantly asked him who "that woman and baby that looked like uncle X" were. So she hasn't even told her children they have a little cousin.

You are all right. There is no reason for me to get worked up over this. It's her problem not mine and it is better she is not in my life.

Thanks iscream. Thank You to all who are telling me to stop the hate. You are so right. I think I have been consumed by this hate and anger for a long time. I had a long holiday to clear my mind last month, and it healed me alot. Hopefully I can move on. You're all right. Hating won't make me any happier, and that is what she probably wants.

My SIL has never met my dc3. She has not seen any of my dc for 6y.

I'm not going to go into detail about it, because it would be an abuse of my dh's privacy, but TBH I have gone beyond caring. I was badly hurt by things she did. I was very angry with her. I dont know what I would feel if we met now. But as far as not wanting to be any part of her only niece's and nephews' lives is concerned, all I feel is sadness. I feel sad for her and her blinkered attitude, and sadness for my dc that part of their very small extended family is cut off to them. At least they have an aunt and an uncle from my side.

I think SIL is jealous of us. Her brother has dc, and she probably never will. She may want them, but has made choices that mean she is unlikely to. Dh and I had a friend with PCOS, who thought she would never have dc. I remember her holding our newborn dc1 and saying "I may never have children of my own, so I'm going to enjoy my friends' children as mch as possible." No jealousy, no bitterness, just generosity and love. (Our friend went on to have dc ). We don't want anything from SIL, other than to be a family. We don't know what she wants. It's sad.

Sorry but with all due respect... get over it!

I understand it must be somewhat frustrating to not know why she behaves like this, but why get this upset and angry at her? Her lack of presence is very rude when it comes to your daughter but it is hardly like her absence is seriously affecting your life.

She may have a perfectly good reason for behaving the way she does that you are not aware of, maybe she and your husband had one of those weird consensual incestuous relationships and she is upset he got married (I know that is not a usual occurrence, just highlighting that the reason could be any bizarre thing).

Just don't bother with it unless you actually find out what it is and it is actually reason for anger.

Otherwise, I don't understand why you are this angry, as long as it is not actually causing negativity in your life, what is the big deal?

I fail to see why one person ignoring you and your family can cause such seething feeling of hatred as the one you describe here. Ok, she doesn't want to see you, or meet your DD... but she is not harassing you, or trying to attack you, or doing a single thing to you... so why all that "I hate her with a passion" drama, and "I have sworn that she is to have no contact with my daughter EVER even if I die" (well... she is not having it now, and she doesn't seem to give a shit). For goodness sake, this sounds utterly ridiculous!

She may well not be very nice, but surely every adult person has the right to chose who she contacts. I am sure she does not even waste a second of her life thinking of you... why do you waste so much of yours hating her?

Is there a real motive for this? Or is it just that you are offended at being ignored?

I also fail to see why you have such enormous hatred for someone who has not impacted your life at all....other than through abscence.

My SIL is like yours....I feel nothing. She's not MY sister is she? I don't care if she does not want to be part of our lives. She's missing out...not us.

Tbh it sounds like you're a bit bored...looking for drama.

It's no good threatening her with no contact with your daughter - she doesn't want contact with your daughter.

It does sound like you're massively offended at being ignored - which is playing right into her hands. I feel we're missing more than you've given us, as I don't get all the hate towards someone who has simply cut herself out of your lives.

maybe she and your husband had one of those weird consensual incestuous relationships and she is upset he got married (I know that is not a usual occurrence, just highlighting that the reason could be any bizarre thing)

Mumsnet.. wow sometimes just wow