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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate my SIL for not coming to visit our DD when she was born...

44 replies

jackisparrow · 16/05/2011 23:21

DD is 3.5 years old now. I don't know what is wrong with her - I have only ever met her twice in my life. When my DH and I got married I was very much into making family get togethers important. I forgave her that she didn't come to our wedding and invited her to our house for dinner nearly every weekend for about 3 months and she never came nor has she ever invited me or DH around.

We haven't spoken to her in 4 years now. When DD was born she didn't bother coming around to see her or even phone up to ask if I was okay during pregnancy or if I was okay after childbirth. I can't imagine not caring about my brother's children, yet here is a specimen who doesn't give two shits about her brother's only child, yet her other nephew and niece of her other two brothers are showered with gifts and love.

I didn't have anything against this woman, but I hate her with a passion and have sworn that she is to have no contact with my daughter EVER even if I die or if she wants to make contact with her niece, IT WON'T HAPPEN. My DD doesn't even know her Dad has a sister.

DH seems like he doesn't care about it. Whenever we have a fight he tells me that she's his sister and he can't leave her. As far as I know, he hasn't been around her house in 4 years, but then I don't know where he is every minute of the day. TBH I have gotten over it now, it is better she isn't in our lives, but I don't understand how DH can't be angry with her? I don't think I could still feel the love for a brother or sister if they didn't come and meet my DD.

Just a bit of background - a cultural thing, and don't really want to go into too much detail - DH's told me that she didn't want me to marry him and even told him not to marry me, but he refused and told her he wasn't going to break our engagement as he loved me and didn't want to disrespect me or my family. My husband and I are both of the same culture. In my family, my brother has married into another culture, and I love my SIL and nieces and nephew with all my heart. You can't ignore blood ties can you?

So what the F is wrong with this bitch of a woman? If you didn't like your SIL would you ignore the birth of a child? How can you hate a child?

Sorry for the rant. I needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening.

OP posts:

Morloth · 17/05/2011 04:02

I think you sound a bit crazy actually.

She just isn't interested, she doesn't have to be, she hasn't been rude she hasn't done anything to you, she just doesn't care.

Why are you so desperate to involve this woman in your life, why do you care so much? You being like this is having exactly zero effect on her life and a whole bunch on yours.

Weird.

Rhinestone · 17/05/2011 04:15

Well she obviously doesn't like you. Tbh you sound a bit of a pain - a bit full on if you know what I mean. Do you honestly have no idea why she doesn't like you?

FreudianSlipper · 17/05/2011 05:40

are you sure you are not directing all your anger at her because its easy to rather than face up to something else that you are not happy with

she has reasons to cut herself off, reasons you obviously do not know about and just accept that. not sure what your cultural background is but maybe she feels it has held her back and felt it would do the same for her brother and does not want to do the whole lets be one big happy family as they may not have been her experience growing up

hate only hurts one person and that is you, and it will harm your relationship with your husband. you really need to stop focusing on how you think she may feel (why would she hate your dd) and also look at where this hatred comes from, its very dramatic and is it really all to do with her

hairfullofsnakes · 17/05/2011 06:31

Wow - MN is at it again with some of the usual nasty replies that it is you who are 'full on' 'weird' and 'looking for drama' because you are upset about something!

Thankfully there has been some good advice on here too and I agree with posters who say she sounds like a nasty piece of work! Don't give her the satisfaction of showing her you are bothered and be happy x

scaryteacher · 17/05/2011 07:50

'When my DH and I got married I was very much into making family get togethers important. I forgave her that she didn't come to our wedding and invited her to our house for dinner nearly every weekend for about 3 months and she never came nor has she ever invited me or DH around.'

There's your reason above. It's about you - perhaps she didn't want to have to schlep up to family get togethers, or she got pissed off with you constantly being on her back about having dinner together.

It is possible for families not to get along, or even not to like each other. Just because her brother loves you doesn't mean she has to; she isn't obliged to like you, or even have any kind of a relationship with you.

When my first nephew was born, I wasn't that interested because at that stage I didn't want kids, and they lived 3.5 hours away from us. Yes, I sent a card and some babygros, but I didn't go flying up there to see the new arrival. Babies, apart from my own, leave me cold. Now the nephews and nieces are teens they are far more interesting, and we see each other once a year when we are in the UK.

You can ignore blood ties - you may be born into a family, but nowhere is it written that once you are an adult that you have to maintain a relationship with your family.

You sound as someone else said, a bit full on and controlling to me. I think the fact that your sil patently isn't interested in you or your dd is pissing you off no end. Get over it and grow up. You may be the centre of your universe, but you aren't of hers.

hocuspontas · 17/05/2011 08:23

Joins sockshitter in the wowing...

kickingking · 17/05/2011 08:30

Do you think she spends much time thinking about you and hating you? Please, don't give her the time and let her dominate your thoughts and spoil your family. You are allowing her to have a hold on you.

I do sympathise, I have a somewhat odd relationship with my ILs and it used to bother me a lot and then I realised that they don't spent one iota of their time thinking about me.

At least you don't have to see her, some people have a nasty SIL coming round every day and interferring!

Clytaemnestra · 17/05/2011 08:32

My DH has three half sisters, all of whom are quite a bit older than him (the youngest was 13(ish) when DH was born, but they did all live together) . The youngest one I see when we go down to visit MIL every few months, purely because she's moved back in with MIL. I've met her children once. The eldest I have met once, at the wedding. Haven't met any of her children or grandchildren (don't know how many she has actually), and she hasn't met DD, although I'm pretty sure she sent a congratulations card. Haven't had birthday cards for me or DD although DH occasionally gets a birthday phone call. The middle one, I've never met, she dropped out of coming to the wedding at the last minute and I don't think we got a congratulations card for DD.

I really don't get what you're upset about. Why so fumingly angry? There seems to be quite a bit of projecting onto your DH about how devestated he must be, while if he's anything like my DH his sisters just aren't really on his mind. I certainly couldn't care less about some women I don't know. Your SIL has no impact on your life at all, apart from giving you lots of drama to enjoy.

ClaireDeLoon · 17/05/2011 08:32

I grew up not knowing my dads family so uncle and cousins (even grandfather) and it really didn't bother me, so unless you make a thing of it your dd is unlikely to be affected. You need to stop caring because that's letting her influence your life and she has no right to do that.

Am also wow at the incestuous relationship comment. Bizarre how some minds work.

BeattieBow · 17/05/2011 08:54

I don't understand why you care so much tbh. How can you hate someone for this reason who you barely know?

Yes, she doesn't care about your dd. or probably your dh - if he doesn't mind, why are you so bothered?

My husbands brothers have nothing to do with us. I don't think one has even met our ds2 and he is 3 now. The other has met him once. dh has little contact with them.

I think you need to get on with your life and stop thinking about this so much.

scaryteacher · 17/05/2011 09:02

Having reread the OP, perhaps it's jealousy as she seems to be suggesting that the sil bothers about her other nephews and nieces, just not the OPs DD:
'yet here is a specimen who doesn't give two shits about her brother's only child, yet her other nephew and niece of her other two brothers are showered with gifts and love.'

Perhaps the OP needs to ask herself why that is, and could she be the main factor in all this?

Birdsgottafly · 17/05/2011 09:02

I think that pregnancy can often stir up unresolved issues. You will just have to ignore how you feel in this instance because she isn't directly doing any damage. Op you need to let it go, it is her problem, leave her to stew about it whilst you and your DP enjoy what you have.

As others have said there may be more to it or she may have created something within her own head to cause her to behave this way, but that is not your problem, it's her problem. On the face of it she is very strange, keep your distance. In the future though remember that her DC's have done nothing wrong, if your paths cross.

Birdsgottafly · 17/05/2011 09:07

OP, i think that you are getting a hard time because it is wrong to treat a child the way that your SIL is treating yours, even if you hate the mother. She has got issues, as anyone is who treats a child that way. She could put money in a card and put it through the door, you don't punish a child. I say that with someone whho has experienced alot of issues on my husbands side of the family, their DC's are still my childrens relatives, regarless.

Chandon · 17/05/2011 09:07

a slightly strange situation, but inviting her EVERY weekend for 3 months running is slightly weird too.

Sorry, but you sound a bit unhinged about this. I don't get the boiling hatred, it is actually a bit scary.

scaryteacher · 17/05/2011 09:08

I don't think the sil is stewing about it, but the op certainly seems to be!

bronze · 17/05/2011 09:11

She doesn't like you op. Now it seems you don't know why so of course we don't know why.
If someone doesn't like me I prefer it if they just stay away rather than be around and cause trouble.
I don't get your beef to be honest

TandB · 17/05/2011 09:14

I am on the fence here. It certainly sounds as though the SIL has been very pointed in her rejection of one sibling and his family, but there must be a reason for that, even if it is as simple a reason as them not getting on in childhood. Not every sibling relationship is close and loving. Bu it must be hurtful to be on the receiving end of the rejection.

However, I don't really understand your overreaction, OP. You never had her in your life in the first place so you aren't really missing anything. You can't force someone to want to be in your life and I think the talk of "hatred" and plans to ensure she never has contact with your DD is completely OTT. She is not interested, your DH doesn't sound desperately upset, you and your DD have never had a relationship with her. These things happen and are not a reason for such a passionate reaction.

scaryteacher · 17/05/2011 09:20

'because it is wrong to treat a child the way that your SIL is treating yours,' but the SIL isn't treating the child 'badly' in any way, any more than not buying presents for other random children would be treating them badly.

There is no obligation on the SIL to have a relationship with the OPs dd whatsoever.

glassofwhiteanybody · 17/05/2011 09:41

I'm surprised at your hatred towards her, and your determination to try to ensure there is no contact in the future. Sounds like you're trying to punish her, but you're only hurting yourself

My DH's family are not close. I'm surprised that I've never met some of his family, but I don't hate them for it. I just think it's sad. I send a Christmas card every year just so that no-one could blame me for the lack of contact, but they don't reply

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