Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider giving up my job?

31 replies

bushymcbush · 16/05/2011 22:41

I have a 2 yr old dd. If circumstances would've allowed I would have been a SAHM from the start. I love spending all day with her, I don't get bored when I'm with her. All I want is to spend the time with her now while she is little, because all too soon she'll be off to school.

But circumstances haven't really allowed it. I had a full year mat leave then went back to my job part time. Then dh kind of fell out of work (self employed) and I had to go back full time to make ends meet. So now dh is a SAHD.

I know he feels bad that I've been forced into this position and he says he's looking for work but he hasn't applied for one single job (been looking since January). Now in my line of work (teacher) I've reached the final time of year that I can legally give in my notice to finish this summer. If I don't do it now, I'm stuck until Christmas.

I'm considering just going ahead and handing in my notice, and telling dh afterwards. Then he'll have to do something about it.

It's not that I mind my job (I dont mind it and I know I'm lucky to have it); I'm just so unhappy being away from my little girl and I feel that time is slipping away.

OP posts:
glassofwhiteanybody · 16/05/2011 22:46

Think you and your husband need to do some serious talking.

I'm surprised he's only applied for 1 job since January. Why is that?

If you hand in your notice without discussing it first, you are playing with fire, I'd say

Samjam10 · 16/05/2011 22:49

I'm sorry you feel miserable in your work, and that you are missing your little girl. But in all honesty, I think you would be a bit crazy to give up your job in the current climate with your husband not having anything lined up - obviously, I don't know what he does, but jobs are so rare for many at the moment (not least in teaching, should this scheme not work out) that you could put your whole family in a very difficult situation indeed.

Talk to your husband about how unhappy with the status quo you feel? Your post sounds a bit like you feel he doesn't understand.

Hope it all works out OK.

Samjam10 · 16/05/2011 22:50

Oh - and were my partner to give up his job without telling me - Well let's just say I'd be Shock. I think you guys need to really talk. Good Luck.

Original poster
bushymcbush · 16/05/2011 22:51

No, he hasn't applied for ANY jobs.

He always finds something wrong with the job. Too far to commute, hasn't got the right experience, etc.

He also doesn't want it to get in the way of his gigs (he plays in bands, not frequently but at least once a month) which is why he's always been self employed up to now.

OP posts:
doley · 16/05/2011 22:52

If you can afford it ,I think you should .

It sounds as if you would really enjoy it ,and ...as you are a Teacher I am assuming it would not be impossible to go back it if you choose (at some point )

What will happen though,if your DH is unable to pick up with his self -employed work ?

Can he work elsewhere to support you all ?

StealthPolarBear · 16/05/2011 22:54

you sure he's not enjoying the time with dd?

doley · 16/05/2011 22:55

Just saw your up-date .

Don't quit till he gets work PLEASE :)

This is an exact copy of my SIL's life ,her DH never found work to support them ~claiming he was an 'artist'Hmm

ilovesooty · 16/05/2011 22:56

Considering the numbers of unemployed teachers now I'd think seriously about giving up your job.

Whatever you feel about your husband's commitment to looking for work I think it would be very wrong to resign without discussing it with him.

Samjam10 · 16/05/2011 22:56

I really, really don't think you should give up your job without discussing it. You are a couple, and this decision will affect all three of you hugely.

Original poster
bushymcbush · 16/05/2011 22:57

I'm sure he is enjoying his time with her. But I (selfishly) want it too. Badly want it.

OP posts:
fivegomadindorset · 16/05/2011 22:57

You are nuts.

ilovesooty · 16/05/2011 22:58

So discuss it.

Samjam10 · 16/05/2011 22:58

And for many teaching jobs here (Midlands) at the moment there are 40 + applicants for each (rare) job. Do think carefully - if it didn't work out, it might be very hard to just walk back into a job again.

SockShitter · 16/05/2011 23:03

Well I think the OP's Dh is being an arsehole and not considering her feelings by refusing to work. But I would make him aware I was going to quit. But I woudl phrase as "this is what I am doing-non negotiable"

It HIS turn. He isn't discussing the fact that he doesn't want to work or explainign why he cant look for a job to support his fmaily

Original poster
bushymcbush · 16/05/2011 23:04

I know you're all right.

I'm going to talk go him. Though it will likely get me nowhere.

Thanks for your thoughts - I appreciate it.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 16/05/2011 23:05

so if she was a SAHM would it be OK for him t quit his job - come home one day and say "OK your turn"?

I know this is different in that he is meant to be job hunting, so presumably his SAHP-ness isn't something that was planned, but still

StealthPolarBear · 16/05/2011 23:05

OP x post, glad you have decided to talk to him

Samjam10 · 16/05/2011 23:07

Yes, but CAN he DEFINITELY get a job to support all three of them, even if he really tries? They need to discuss this and come up with a sensible plan. Last date for OP to hand in notice is 31st May. She would then leave end of Summer Term in July. Will he definitely have work enough by then?

Someone has to work to support a child. In my own case when son was small it was both of us. I too would love to have been a SAHP, as would my partner - it wasn't possible. I think OP needs to be sensible and think carefully with her husband.

Samjam10 · 16/05/2011 23:08

X post from me too!

diggingintheribs · 16/05/2011 23:08

Could you go back to doing part time?

I can understand how you feel - especially as he isn't making any effort. But think of your daughter, how would you manage as a 'no income' household?

He needs a kick up the ass but I also think you are being unfair if you want to give up completely and expect him to work full time as maybe he enjoys being with your daughter.

Don't know what he does but could you suggest a compromise of both doing part time and he can use a certain proportion for his hobby (which is how everyone I know who has a DH with a fanatical hobby deals with it).

piprabbit · 16/05/2011 23:11

Suppose you were the SAHP, enjoying your time with DD while DH supported you all.
How would you feel if DH walked in one day and told you he had quit his job because he was jealous of the time you spend with DD?

mellicauli · 16/05/2011 23:24

Stupid idea probably: Could your husband retrain as a teacher so you could do a jobshare?

manicinsomniac · 16/05/2011 23:26

I think you'd be crazy to quit without either of you having some form of income lined up ready.

And, if you both like spending time with your daughter then you have the job that is most conducive to both working and seeing her. A non teaching job gets, what, 4 weeks holiday a year? You get to spend a quarter of the year with her, even working full time. That's a pretty good deal in my book.

QueenLaQueefer · 16/05/2011 23:34

What piprabbit said.

If you are earning the wage, you've just got to knuckle down, I'm afraid.

I don't think it's necessarily our default job as women to be the primary carers. I know my DH would love to be a SAHD, but he has more earning power.

You should be glad you have a job! I know this sounds harsh, but I really think you're being unrealistic. Of course we'd all love to be with our DC all day, but someone has to pay the mortgage.

What did your DH do?

magicmummy1 · 17/05/2011 00:26

Neither of you has an automatic right to be a SAHP. If you both want to do this, you need to sit down together and talk, and decide what is best for the family as a whole. Perhaps both of you could work part-time?

FWIW, I sometimes think I'd love to be a SAHM, but instead, I work FT while DH is part-time. I have more earning power so it makes sense that way.

Swipe left for the next trending thread