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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that DH's family act as if our time was worthless?

45 replies

SuiGeneris · 16/05/2011 13:07

DH's family has planned a family reunion for the B/H weekend. We have offered to host celebrations on the Saturday, so that on Sunday afternoon our DS (16 months) can go to his swimming class (timing of class over B/H weekend not great, but cannot do much about it). We thought it was agreed and discussed various options.

Get an email today saying people won't come to us after all as PILs have engagement for part of Saturday (when celebrations were supposed to be) and half of Sunday- so we should all go to their place. Expectation is we will go on Friday night and stay until Sunday or even Monday. The drive to PILs is 2 hours and there is absolutely nothing to do once we are there. They will be busy for essentially one day out of 2 or three, but their engagements are timed so we can do nothing but hang about until they are ready to grace us with our presence.

I am annoyed as basically feel robbed of the entire weekend for the convenience of PILs. If they rearranged/chose not to attend their engagements, we could at least arrive Friday, celebrate on Saturday and leave Sunday morning in time for DS's mid-afternoon class, and then get Sunday evening and Monday at home, to relax (well, do the washing, work) on our own.

Rearranging the swimming class means either having to take half a day off to take DS to class in another location (1.5 hrs away!!!), miss the class or cancel something we had planned for another day, so we can attend the catch-up class then. Essentially, to allow PILs to do what they wish I have either to forsake a day's holiday or give up a trip I had planned. Not fair Angry. Do you agree?

And what to do? DH feels we can do nothing as whatever we say will be taken badly. But this happens all the time. My family are not like that: they rearrange anything to be with us.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe80nappies · 16/05/2011 13:10

You want a whole family of adults to arrange their plans so that a 16 month-old doesn't miss a swimming lesson? Right.

PMSL @ 'catch-up class' Grin

worraliberty · 16/05/2011 13:12

I think you're all being unreasonable!

Your PILs ABU for having a reunion on the weekend they're busy and you ABU to worry about a baby missing one swimming class lol.

PorkChopSter · 16/05/2011 13:13

You are not going to get far if your only argument is the swimming class of a 16 month old.

Being expected to be in a position to drop everything and spend a long weekend at the house of people who already have other plans and not be around is a bit crap though.

When exactly are PIL planning on doing the party? It's only a couple of hours. Go for the day, come home again.

ilove · 16/05/2011 13:13

^ what Alibaba said

MrsKwazii · 16/05/2011 13:14

YABU and sound a bit spoiled. Missing one swimming class for a family reunion - don't see that that's a major problem surely? Sometimes, you need to rearrange things to fit round other people - like your family do for you. It's not ideal but not the end of the world.

Having said that, emailing you when you thought plans were arranged is a bit off, as is asking you to travel down while they're out and about. Can you decide with DH just how many days you're going down for (I'd always try to get the Monday at home), and make other plans for the times when they'll be out? Perhaps with the other family coming along?

kerala · 16/05/2011 13:15

Allibaba you are being rather harsh - how do you know he is not entering the baby swimming olympics this could be a crucial lesson Grin

Imnotaslimjim · 16/05/2011 13:15

You're worried that a 16 month old is going to miss one class? Sorry but yabu. But I think they abu too, or a little at least. Its very short notice to change things

I think that you have been a little spoiled with your parents dropping everything everytime to see you, and you need to learn a little give and take

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 16/05/2011 13:16
Grin
SingingSands · 16/05/2011 13:16

Unless your DS is training for the Olympics, I'd miss his class (he won't notice) and go to the family reunion. Because family ties are more important than dunking a 16 mth old in a pool. And your comment about how YOUR family would rearrange everything for your benefit explains a lot - you sound spoilt.

PiazzaDellaRotonda · 16/05/2011 13:17

Serious? Your life hangs on one swimming lesson for a baby who will never know if he went or not? How much do these lessons cost - £100? Just ditch the lesson and do the family thing or really, people will think you are howling crazy!

diddl · 16/05/2011 13:23

Go when & for as long as it suits you.

What has ILs being out & about got to do with anything-surely you see enough of them at other times?

(Although it seems odd that they are "hosting" but not there")

Missing the swimming wouldn´t bother me, but giving up a whole weekend to family when I could also have time with just husband & children would.

BlueFergie · 16/05/2011 13:23

You seem to think it should be no problem for PILs rearrange/chose not to attend their engagements yet this is not an option for your 16 month old? What exactly is going to happen if he misses a lesson?
When is the party/ reunion due to happen? Just aim to get up for that part and then leave the next morning. No need to stay all weekend if there is going to be noone around for most of it.

FabbyChic · 16/05/2011 13:28

I'd say you will be there for Saturday evening and leave early Sunday morning, for no other reason than that is when the arrangements seem to be made for.

Advise that you have other plans for the Monday and have to leave Sunday.

With regards the swimming of a 16 month old I do feel you are being someone precious.

ENormaSnob · 16/05/2011 13:29

Do 16 month olds even have proper swim lessons? We were always told 3 to 4 when booking ours.

You are all bu.

2 hours is not a long drive IMO. No need for you to stay the whole weekend.

Original poster
SuiGeneris · 16/05/2011 13:30

OK: presented it badly- and usual MN is helpful as need to avoid mistake when presenting issue to others (which I won't, this is a rant).

Of course the class itself is not the point. The point is more that our plans (which we would be happy to drop if necessary) are not worth fitting in with, but we have to fit in with theirs. And it is ALWAYS that way. If it is was once or twice, not a problem, we all have things we cannot miss. But every weekend we have gone to their place in the last 10 years is a lot. We are expected to visit for the entire weekend, but PILs always busy most of Sunday (think well after lunch) and often for half of Saturday too. Despite that, we are made to feel bad if we leave Sunday morning.

The point about my family is that we talk, we plan, we find a time that is convenient to all and then, once it is fixed, all gets dropped so that the time we are together is just that, time together. Because we value that above all else.

I am not sure DH's family think much about this, but the message I get is "you are not important enough for me to rearrange anything, you will just have to hang about and wait until I have nothing better to do but see you".

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 16/05/2011 13:31

I wouldn't want to spend a whole weekend visiting people who weren't there half the time. So YANBU about that. But 16 month old's swimming lesson will not feature on most people's radars as important.

However ...I can't see the problem with you going down on the Saturday morning and seeing such of DH's family as are about for the whole day ... and seeing your PiLs for the part of the day that they are available. And then coming back on the Saturday night. Basically that way you are just committing to the Saturday (which is what you'd committed to originally anyway) but have a 2 hour drive each way rather than preparatin/cleaning/tidying up after visit time.

Dropdeadfred · 16/05/2011 13:34

I still dont understand why you should be there if they are busy..when is the actual party?? just go for that.
I would state that you are just as busy as them and therefore you will pop in for when they are available, not any other time

beckibicker · 16/05/2011 13:34

its one weekend for a family reunion

is it really such a nuisance to give up one weekend? if so , then dont go, simple

redskyatnight · 16/05/2011 13:36

OK just seen your update. I get the "being made to feel bad if you leave "early" " thing. My parents used to do it too. I used to get hour long moans because I'd dared to pop into the shop on the way there and was half an hour later than they'd expected. I've now made it very clear to them that I am happy to visit but it will be at mutually convenient times and I do have other committments that I need to fit in as well. They still do not like it but at least I know I am behaving reasonably and they are not.

So ... as per my previous post - I would go and see them on the Saturday as you'd originally agreed - sounds like you will see everyone for at least some of the day that time. Don't argue or discuss why you are not staying longer - simply tell them what you are doing.

lesley33 · 16/05/2011 13:38

Agree with others who have posted. If I went to a family weekend when others weren't going to be about for part of it, I would research fun things to do locally and do these rather than hang about the house. You cana lways invite other family members to join you e.g. a walk to a petting zoo or something else you would all enjoy.

You are acting as if your time is much much more important than anyone else's And maybe you should show your family a bit more consideration in the future?

Original poster
SuiGeneris · 16/05/2011 13:38

Dropdeadfred: I do like your suggestion, but it will be seen as not playing the game. Plus nobody has communicated when the party will be.

Maybe family reunion is the wrong word. It is FIL's and SIL's birthday. They will be there, but no-one never knows when they arrive and when they leave. Plus when they are there they often disappear for half the day to visit local friends.

OP posts:
diddl · 16/05/2011 13:39

"is it really such a nuisance to give up one weekend? "

Well, it obviously is for the ILsGrin

TBH, depending on who is going to be there I would-go for as little as possible, send husband alone.

I wouldn´t give up a weekend for ILs who I see plenty of/relatives who I have no interest in & will maybe never see again(don´t know if that applies)

Balsam · 16/05/2011 13:39

Go Sunday morning until Monday afternoon and if they say anything, just say "well, there was no point us coming when you're busy doing other things and we had stuff to do.'

You keep saying you are made to fit in with their plans but it's up to you to change this - just stop doing it!

Bonsoir · 16/05/2011 13:39

This is a joke, right?

EldritchCleavage · 16/05/2011 13:40

The problem is you seem to have gone along with the family pattern so far. Let this be the weekend you change all that and do things in a way that suits you more.

As for we are made to feel bad if we leave Sunday morning well, just take it on the chin. You can't have freedom AND approval with PIL like that, so you'll have to choose the one you want most.

You'll only have to do it a few times and then it will become accepted, however much PIL might grumble about it behind your backs. And you never know, there may be others desperate to break free too, who will seize on your example.

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