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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that DH's family act as if our time was worthless?

45 replies

SuiGeneris · 16/05/2011 13:07

DH's family has planned a family reunion for the B/H weekend. We have offered to host celebrations on the Saturday, so that on Sunday afternoon our DS (16 months) can go to his swimming class (timing of class over B/H weekend not great, but cannot do much about it). We thought it was agreed and discussed various options.

Get an email today saying people won't come to us after all as PILs have engagement for part of Saturday (when celebrations were supposed to be) and half of Sunday- so we should all go to their place. Expectation is we will go on Friday night and stay until Sunday or even Monday. The drive to PILs is 2 hours and there is absolutely nothing to do once we are there. They will be busy for essentially one day out of 2 or three, but their engagements are timed so we can do nothing but hang about until they are ready to grace us with our presence.

I am annoyed as basically feel robbed of the entire weekend for the convenience of PILs. If they rearranged/chose not to attend their engagements, we could at least arrive Friday, celebrate on Saturday and leave Sunday morning in time for DS's mid-afternoon class, and then get Sunday evening and Monday at home, to relax (well, do the washing, work) on our own.

Rearranging the swimming class means either having to take half a day off to take DS to class in another location (1.5 hrs away!!!), miss the class or cancel something we had planned for another day, so we can attend the catch-up class then. Essentially, to allow PILs to do what they wish I have either to forsake a day's holiday or give up a trip I had planned. Not fair . Do you agree?

And what to do? DH feels we can do nothing as whatever we say will be taken badly. But this happens all the time. My family are not like that: they rearrange anything to be with us.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 16/05/2011 13:41

Seen your update.

Just go on the sat.

Tough shit if they don't like it.

diddl · 16/05/2011 13:41

"You keep saying you are made to fit in with their plans but it's up to you to change this - just stop doing it!"

Well, that´s the thing, isn´t it?

OP-what is going to happen if you go when & for as long as is convenient to you?

BlueFergie · 16/05/2011 13:42

Just tell them of course you will go to theirs for the party, and as soon as it is arranged for them to let you know so you can organise your weekend around getting up there for it.

Dropdeadfred · 16/05/2011 13:42

well, if you have to respect their rights to come and go as they please whilst they are the hosts surely they will have to respect your rights to be as busy as they are.
you need to start as you mean to go on here...

GnomeDePlume · 16/05/2011 13:48

Go/dont go but only if you want. DH sticks a card in the post for his brothers' birthdays. We will call in on FiL for his birthday for half a day max. They are grown ups, they dont need to have the family hanging around kneeling at their feet. They might want this but want and need arent the same!

If the family started having a huff because we didnt stay longer or go more often then I would take this as legitimate excuse to go even less often. I married my husband, not his family.

BTW, same rulles apply to us and to my family.

Go to things you enjoy and dont bother with the rest.

Original poster

SuiGeneris · 16/05/2011 13:49

Diddl: What would happen if we went for when it is convenient to us: DH feels he would be seen as even more of the black sheep that he is seen as at the moment. Despite the fact that DH is very thoughtful and caring and does most of the legwork (calls regularly, even those who never return his calls, is always available for family events, tries to visit regularly etc).

So, essentially if we do anything other than what we are told we will be seen as those who throw the spanner in the works. Despite, for example, FIL having just refused to attend another long-term-planned double family birthday (without even giving a reason).

OP posts:

TooManyPufflesInMyIgloo · 16/05/2011 13:51

Hmm. It's a 2hr drive. What is your ds like in the car? If he is happy on a 2hr trip, I'd tell your ILs that you're coming for the party, and then leaving, since they are all busy so there is no point in your staying. If they get the hump about this, then you won't have to go at all - result!

If your ds is a nightmare in the car, then I'd tell the ILs that actually, their change of plan is not convenient for you, and you'd like to stick to the original arrangement of them coming to you on the Sat for the party. If they don't like that, get the hump and whinge on and on and on at them because they don't want to celebrate FIL & SIL's birthdays with you.

What does your DH think?

TooManyPufflesInMyIgloo · 16/05/2011 13:55

Ah, x-posted. Given that dh is already the black sheep, I think he should roll in the mud and baa a lot sorry, couldn't resist. I think he should let them all get on with it.

Do you/does he really value their opinion? Does it matter if they like to say that it is all his fault? Is it perhaps time to set yourselves free?

I'd be saying "we're so sorry that you have changed your minds about celebrating in the way that we all planned. Unfortunately your new plan is not convenient for us so we won't be coming. Do let us know if you change your minds again If not, we do hope you enjoy yourselves".

Dropdeadfred · 16/05/2011 13:57

just be like them...thye drop in and out of occasions as they choose - if there are any negative comments just state that your dh must take after his parents
honestly i think you are worrying too much whats the worst that could happen?

soverylucky · 16/05/2011 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 16/05/2011 14:01

Well, if he always does what they want & they have a bad opinion of him-why does he bother?

He might as well please himself!

diddl · 16/05/2011 14:04

"So, essentially if we do anything other than what we are told"

But you´re adults-even if they "tell" you, doesn´t mean that you have to!

Flyonthewindscreen · 16/05/2011 14:06

I agree with whoever posted that you should say you would be delighted to come for the party and could they tell you when it is please? I would not be hanging around all weekend with the hosts gone half the time

EldritchCleavage · 16/05/2011 14:06

My DH is the problem child. Nothing will ever change this perception, so he has accepted it and stopped worrying about it too much. Once you don't care too much, all power over you is gone. So I can see it is really your DH's issue (and much easier said than done-it took my DH a lot of effort to get to this stage) but it is almost certainly going to be better pleasing yourselves than accepting the current status quo.

MackerelOfFact · 16/05/2011 14:24

Raise them their 'engagements' and tell them you're busy at X, Y, Z time too, so perhaps it would be better for them to come to yours when everyone is free. And it that happens to be on a different weekend, so be it, really. They've changed the plans to suit them so nothing stopping you doing the same, if that's how they like to play it.

notmyproblem · 16/05/2011 14:26

People can only make you feel bad if you let them.

Your DH sounds like he's desperate for their approval, which they won't give unless he meets their ridiculous requirements of his time/effort (and even then they won't approve), which makes him then feel even more like he needs their approval, which makes them think they can lean on you all the more to do what they want you to.

It's a vicious cycle. However it's one that can be broken. You break it by CARING LESS about what they think.

Try it, you'll find it's quite liberating.

Just put the shoe on the other foot. They don't really care about you, so stop caring about them, and even more stop caring what they think.

Do what you want to do for the weekend, if they start guilt-tripping you, refuse to feel guilty.

If you're not prepared to stick up for yourself, nobody else will.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 16/05/2011 14:37

SuiGeneris - sorry if someone else has asked this, and I have missed it, but have you tried making them feel bad for abandoning you when you all go up there to visit them? I think I would be awfully tempted to do that - 'We've driven over 2 hours (with a baby) to see you, and now you don't want to spend time with us. Look how sad little Horace is that his grandma and grandad don't want to play with him.'

Either that or say 'We are going home because you have other commitments. We refuse to feel bad about that because you don't feel bad about leaving us here when we have come to visit you.' - said with a bland smile.

QuackQuackBoing · 16/05/2011 15:05

Why would they arrange a reunion and then commit to other arrangements? Weird! You can just say no you know.

Dropdeadfred · 16/05/2011 17:35

I really don't understand the problem. You phone them and tell them which day you will visit and for how long. If they argue you say ' we are busy too, like yourselves' and ask them why you would want to be sat around waiting for them instead if relaxing at home...?

SoupDragon · 16/05/2011 17:41

Good lord... You need to grow a backbone!

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