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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wrt this wedding... and a present?

37 replies

Clary · 16/05/2011 01:00

Sorry this could be long

We are invited to Dh's cousin's wedding next week. He is not just a cousin, they all lived in the same village and in fact cousin (2nd cousin really) is DH's godson, v close to him when DH was teenager/young man and he was a child/teen.

He is also btw DD's godfather. They are having their daughter christened at the wedding ceremony (I think this is icky but Dh has ordered me and DS2 (!) not to say so (frankly I am more likely to say it than DS2 )

Annnyway - wedding invite has poem saying we really don't need presents, don't feel you need to get us anything, but if you do want to, well we have all we need so just give us cash please.

We are relatively hard up just now - between us DH and me earn just over half what we did 2 years ago - yes, we are far from the poverty line but we can't fritter away £20 here and £40 there.

In fact bride and bridegroom certainly earn more than we do (we have both had enforced career changes in last 2 yrs).

AIBU just to have bought a (lovely) book as a christening gift and no wedding pressie at all? I really hate the money request. MiL is going on about giving them £40, that's a lot of money to me right now and I am disinclined to do it. Should add that DH who is the actual relative feels the same way. My mum however thinks we will get very dirty looks from the bridegroom's mother.

Oh should also add that they haven't asked his godchild ie DD to be a bridesmaid which I am a bit fed up about. Am trying not to let this affect my views tho...

OP posts:

ScaredyDog · 16/05/2011 01:04

The poem says they don't need presents. So don't give one. The Christening book would be just fine :)

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 16/05/2011 02:07

YANBU particularly as your DH is of the same mind and it's his blood relation.

As for the bridegroom's mother giving you dirty looks, I'm sure the woman will be required to smile for the photo calls so you'll have some relief from the evil eye.

But, seriously, how's anyone going to know for sure what you've given until after the event?

On the other hand, if 3 of you are going to be fed and watered at the happy couple's expense perhaps a cheque for £20 tucked into an appropriate wedding card would be a considerate gesture?

troisgarcons · 16/05/2011 06:16

If they have allthey need - I'd buy them an African goat from Oxfam!!!!

I always ignore wedding lists - they are so 'grabby'. Bloody awful american invention along with baby showers and the resultant lists.

sausagesandmarmelade · 16/05/2011 06:35

Hate, hate, hate money poems!

The book will be just fine....don't worry what others will think!

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 16/05/2011 06:41

If that's what they said then they can't complain really. As for anyone else generally they'll find a reason to be pissed off anyway. Personally I'd leave the decision to dh it's his family he decides (and deals with any fall out)

FamilyCircus · 16/05/2011 06:48

If money is tight then I'd take their word for it (in the poem) and just give a card and the Christening gift. You could always get them a generous anniversary gift in 1/3/5 years time if you're in better circumstances then and you want to.

moondog · 16/05/2011 06:55

Don't give-simple as thaty.
I don't understand why you think your kid has an automatic right to be a bridesmaid though..
Also thing big ceremonies reidiculous for people who already have kids.

Weddings irritate me full stop come to thin kof it.

onadifferentplanettoday · 16/05/2011 07:00

I think you're desire for dd to be a bridesmaid and your dislike of the christening and wedding combined may be clouding your judgement. I think with all of you going that maybe a token £20 inside a nice card would be appropriate

iscream · 16/05/2011 07:02

Would you be able to afford a bottle of champagne? Unless they don't drink, it would not be the same as a household item, and isn't pandering to the poem about money.

littleomar · 16/05/2011 07:04

We asked for money because we've already got everything we need. Most people gave us something. Quite a few didn't. We didn't think anything of it. We wouldn't have said we weren't expecting anything if it wasn't true.

Poems are icky though. We had a good laugh at them when we were doing our invites.

YusMilady · 16/05/2011 07:15

Why don't you write a poem back? I'm sure between us we could come up with something apt.

'Dear cousin, your wedding sounds naff...'

FamilyCircus · 16/05/2011 07:17

moondog · 16/05/2011 07:18

UnquietDad once wrotea hilarious riposte to this.

alfabetty · 16/05/2011 07:22

You don't have to give anything, least of all cash, if you are not comfortable with it. But if you are going to be hosted by them, it is polite, just as if you were going to their home for dinner, to take a token of some sort. So a bottle of wine, picture frame, plant etc.

It is less about 'Wedding Gifts' and lists than about showing appreciation for the invite. So I think it would be churlish to turn up with nothing for the wedding, though it doesn't have to be cold, hard cash.

fatlazymummy · 16/05/2011 07:44

If you really are skint then I would just give a nice card. If you can afford a small amount [and you say you are far from the poverty line] then give what you can afford. Personally I would give money if that is what they want, or nothing at all.
And get over yourself about your daughter not being a bridesmaid. It's the brides choice.

SeriousWispaHabit · 16/05/2011 10:24

Well, I was a bit bored so...

'Congratulations' to you both now that you are wed,
But unfortunately there's a thing I feel that must be said.
We are both so very happy to be here upon this day,
But there's something sort of niggling me that's got right in the way.
It's wonderful and great for you that you've got lots of stuff,
No need for sets of cutlery, one toaster's quite enough.
But asking everybody (some who've travelled quite a way)
To put cash inside an envelope is like asking them to pay.
I hope you feel embarrassed - I think perhaps you should,
To ask your friends for hard earned dosh, it's not polite or good.
The poem was the final straw, I assume you thought it funny,
We found it mostly twee and naff, and shan't be giving money!

HotchpotchHoney · 16/05/2011 10:28

omg! seriouswispahabit, hilarious!!!

LRDTheFeministDragon · 16/05/2011 11:15

I love that poem ...

I think absolutely don't give them anything. It's not rude, it's what they asked for.

But why is it odd to have their child christened at their wedding? That I am confused about!

Firawla · 16/05/2011 11:28

If you bring them the cristening book then you are not going empty handed anyway, so it's okay i think? anyway they said themselves "we dont need presents"

expatinscotland · 16/05/2011 11:40

'Also thing big ceremonies reidiculous for people who already have kids.

Weddings irritate me full stop come to thin kof it.'

Amen! I so agree.

If you don't have the money, you don't have it. We don't. We really don't have £20 to spare, so I think it's fine to give the christening book and a nice card.

ENormaSnob · 16/05/2011 11:41

I loathe those money grabbing poems.

expatinscotland · 16/05/2011 11:42

Either you need presents or don't. All this, 'Don't get us presents, but oh, give us cash' is about as rude as it gets.

ENormaSnob · 16/05/2011 11:43

Actually I loathe weddings in general.

But those poems enrage me.

AngryGnome · 16/05/2011 11:56

I LOVE weddings, and actually have no problem with gving people money/honeymoon vouchers as gifts. It sounds as though the bride and groom don't actually need anything, but have said money as a lot of guests will otherwise ring and ask about wedding lists. To be fair, they have tried to say don't worry about any sort of gift, but for reasons best known to themselves have decided to do this through the medium of a twee and naff poem.

If you don't want to give them a gift because you want dd to be bridesmaid, or because you don't like the idea of wedding/christening combo then that is, IMHO, mean and churlish.

If you can't give them a gift because money is tight (and just attending weddings can be expensive if you have to travel/stay in hotel etc) then a nice card is fine. They invited you, not your chequebook! They might even be devastated to know you are worrying about this.

Whatever you decide, go and have a blast!

MordechaiVanunu · 16/05/2011 12:10

You sound rather churlish about the whole wedding actually: Your DD isn't bridesmaid, you think the christening bit is icky and grooms mother may give you filthy looks.

Let it all go. Go along to the wedding have a nice time, celebrate for them, stop judging their choices, don't give them money and be relaxed with your choice.

I'm sure the're not trying to be naff, difficult or demanding they're trying to organise a lovely day to celebrate.

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