wrt this wedding... and a present?

[Clary]

Sorry this could be long

We are invited to Dh's cousin's wedding next week. He is not just a cousin, they all lived in the same village and in fact cousin (2nd cousin really) is DH's godson, v close to him when DH was teenager/young man and he was a child/teen.

He is also btw DD's godfather. They are having their daughter christened at the wedding ceremony (I think this is icky but Dh has ordered me and DS2 (!) not to say so (frankly I am more likely to say it than DS2 )

Annnyway - wedding invite has poem saying we really don't need presents, don't feel you need to get us anything, but if you do want to, well we have all we need so just give us cash please.

We are relatively hard up just now - between us DH and me earn just over half what we did 2 years ago - yes, we are far from the poverty line but we can't fritter away £20 here and £40 there.

In fact bride and bridegroom certainly earn more than we do (we have both had enforced career changes in last 2 yrs).

AIBU just to have bought a (lovely) book as a christening gift and no wedding pressie at all? I really hate the money request. MiL is going on about giving them £40, that's a lot of money to me right now and I am disinclined to do it. Should add that DH who is the actual relative feels the same way. My mum however thinks we will get very dirty looks from the bridegroom's mother.

Oh should also add that they haven't asked his godchild ie DD to be a bridesmaid which I am a bit fed up about. Am trying not to let this affect my views tho...

Well I would be churlish - cash grabbing disguised as poetry would do that to me. I hate the idea of cash as a 'gift'. You may as well just charge a ticket price.

I think a book as a Christening gift and no wedding gift is fine, but I would probably bottle it at the last minute and buy them some Champagne or something.

I have an awful feeling that this is going to rankle in the family for a long time, so tbh I would say fantastic Christening present; but also go and get something traditional-ish as a wedding present; not cash as I agree it is tasteless in principle to ask for cash, but just something little and memorable. One set of cash poor friends at our wedding gave us a nice biscuit tin with homemade wedding-y biscuits inside, have always remembered that fondly whilst most of the wedding presents have disappeared from my memory. Or, in the card, write that your wedding present will be to get their favourite photo o fthe day framed afterwards. Or how about the present being some home made vouchers, eg for baby sitting, having them all for a bbq, whatever.

I'm not having a dig at anyone, but why do people keep mentioning buying champagne as a wedding present? It's expensive, lots of people don't actually like it, why not just put the equivalent amount of money in an envelope?

I think it's up to them to choose their own bridesmaids and no expectation they should include your daughter

I see nothing wrong with christening their daughter at the same time

I don't like requests for cash as a wedding present. You could tell them that you will give a donation to charity in lieu of a wedding present. That way you can give whatever you can afford.

Thanks for thoughts everyone

Great poem wispahabit!

Seems like plenty of people think it's OK not to take a wedding gift anyway which is a comfort. We are not going empty-handed after all - we are taking a £20 christening gift which I hope they and their daughter will really enjoy.

I have never understood this thing that suggests you "pay" for your place at the wedding with a gift, anyway - yes I suppose we will be fed but we have to drive a 100-mile round trip to get there and give up our Saturday afternoon too. Not that I mind that, but I somewhat resent being asked to pay, actually pay for the privilege. As DH said, we'd buy a gift but a demand for cash seems somewhat vulgar. Especially as there's no chance of seeking out a bargain that appears to cost more (my favourite thrifty dodge when buying presents) when it comes to money!

Personally I was delighted anyone actually made the effort to come to our wedding!

Aha donation to charity, good idea! Have made donation today to Christian Aid so maybe I'll put that in the card! brillo!

BTW I don't think DD has a right to be a bridesmaid, of course not. It's just that she's unlikely to have another chance (no rellies or friends of ours who are not already married) and she'd be so brill!

I doubt if I'll have a blast at the wedding btw! Not keen on family occasions anyway, especially not other people's families!! Never mind, I'm not bothered about that, have written off the day. At least we don't have to stay over so we'll be at DS2's footie match the next morning

Sorry - but having just read your last post I really felt the need to reply.

I too hate the 'money grabbing' aspect that CAN come out at some weddings. I also don't like to be asked to give cash. I would much prefer to give a gift.

HOWEVER - my parents always brought me up to believe that it was good manners to repay, in some small way, a hosts hospitality and generosity - at any event. This includes bringing wine or flowers to s dinner party, birthday gifts and wedding gifts etc etc.

I would NEVER turn up to any kind of party empty handed, and not take at least a small token for the host. This has nothing to do with 'buying' your invite or 'paying' for you attendence. But surely just good manners to show your appreciation to your host?????

I realise that this is a christening and wedding in one go - and that you will still be taking a christening gift. However, would it really be difficult to offer a small token to the bride and groom who have very graciously invited you to share their special day with them? It doesn't have to be money after all - you could find a small token gift that you can afford.

To be honest - you seem to have a bit of an attitude about their wedding in the OP, is there something else going on? Are you bitter about the change in your circumstances?

I mean, why are you so critical about them combining the christening and wedding? Perhaps they thought it was sweet, or have too had some money difficulties and thought that this was the best way to afford both.

Also - why would you be bothered about your DD not being bridesmaid. Is SHE really that bothered? Why would she need to be a bridesmaid? So what if she never gets the chance? It's not like its some unbelievably enriching child experience that she will in yearss to come regret never having the chance to do. She would probably only hate all the standing round for photos anyway. Plus - it;s their wedding and totally up to them. Why should they invite your DD? And why would you care?

YANBU not to give money as a gift if you can't afford it, after all their invite stated that its your presence that is most important.

YABU to describe a joint wedding and christening as "icky" I was at one of these last year and it was a lovely and meaningful ceremony for everyone concerned. You would be VVVVU to say anything negative about this to them on their big day and I don't normally agree with husbands giving their wives orders but I'm afraid I totally agree with your DH this time.

Instead of giving cash for a wedding present, How about giving your time?

What does every married couple want when they have children? A babysitter for an evening.

Make up some nice coupons for babysitting once a month/every 3 months/4 times in the coming year. It costs nothing and is thoughtful. I wish someone would have done it for me.

I just don't think it is money grabbing to ask for something like honeymoon vouchers for a wedding gift. The idea that a wedding list is full of things that the couple "need" is kind of redundant for a lot of couples these days anyway, as so many people live together before they are married anyway, and so have all their household goods. (Not everyone I know, so please don't flame me!)

Lots of my friends have been getting married recently (we must be that age!) and some have done the gift list, and some have asked for honeymoon vouchers etc. All have said you don't need to get us anything, but if you would like to this is what we would like. Most people who have gift lists are not asking for things they need, but for things they would like - nice little luxury things that you wouldn't get for yourself (I had one friend who had a hand carved four poster bed on her gift list - to this day I'm not sure if it was a wind up or not ). How is this any different to buying someone a voucher for a bottle of champagne to be in their room when they arrive at their honeymoon hotel, or contributing towards a once in a lifetime experience (scuba diving or something like that on a honeymoon). Yes, they don't need it, but it will be a wonderful memory that they can treasure.The charity giving is a really nice option for a wedding gift as well - what better way to celebrate than by knowing that you and your guests have done something small to make other people's lives that little bit better.

Also, I think it is cynical to suggest that people don't mean it when they say you don't need to get us anything - for a lot of couples that is true, but it is difficult to say without sounding cheesy and non-genuine.

Gifts, IMHO should be chosen because you think they will make the recipient happy, not because it is what you think they should like. Weddings are occasions to celebrate, and that can so often get forgotten in all the hoo-haa over pressies!

YABU, and have been quite rude in your last post too. The couple have invited you to their wedding, and all you can say is that they're being unreasonable to ask you to drive to the venue and 'give up' your Saturday! If you feel that way, then don't go! I bet they'd be so upset to hear you describe their wedding in those terms! They're not forcing you to attend!

As for the present, I agree with many others that it is very rude to attend any sort of occasion and not bring a small gift to say thank you for the kind invite and hospitality. It needn't be expensive - just get a niceish bottle of wine if you are really strapped for cash! It's not about the money, it's about the thought. It should be an honour to attend a wedding and share someones special day, not a pain you must endure!

YANBU to not want to give cash.
However I wouldn't dream of going to my Godchilds wedding (and the Godfather of my own child) without a present, be it a keepsake or wine. I just couldn't.
How about a family Bible, it may not be everyones cup of tea, but as your DH is the cousins Godfather and they are obviously doing it all in achurch it might be nice, the sort you record the family tree in.

I would have hated to think someone had came to my wedding having "written it off" tbh, I think you sound rude if you can't be nice about their day who should have declined the invite.
As for the poem I don't think it was too bad an idea they stated that they had everything they needed so not to worry about gifts but if you insisted then cash would be more appreciated.
Your christening idea sounds lovely btw.