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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to try for another baby

31 replies

in3minds · 15/05/2011 22:38

ok please be gentle...I mc in first trimester last summer, am 40, have 2 dcs and would really love another....but 1. I am terrified of something going wrong, as the mc was really awful - as well as the emotional pain, it went dramatically wrong and I ended up with blood transfusion, weeks in hospital etc

  1. My dh and I are not getting on, partly due to my almost freezing him out because of upset over the mc but I think we're ok in the long run
  2. And this is maybe upsetting for others, so apologies for that but due to a number of factors I'm not sure I could cope with a disabled child, and due to my age have concerns on that front...
and yet, I am really consumed with wanting another baby - of course I know it might not be possible but all my pregnancies happened immediately we tried and with time running out - aibu to just go for it? Or would it be completely selfish?
OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/05/2011 22:43

Can you explain why you really want one?
Because from your post, there isn't one positive reason.
And do you really think your husbamd would want one?
(How old are your dcs btw?)

rogersmellyonthetelly · 15/05/2011 22:44

YANBU for wanting another baby (I'm in that position myself) but I think you need to get things sorted in your head (and with your DH) first.
go to your GP, ask for some counselling for you as a couple before you embark on TTC again. Re the possibility of having a baby born with a disability, at 40, its more likely than not to be perfectly OK, but you are wise to at least consider the possibility and what you would do in such a situation, as its a very personal decision.

Original poster
in3minds · 15/05/2011 22:47

Not sure how to explain 'why', just an overwhelming feeling, and I suppose as much as anything 'rational', my dcs would love another sibling. My husband would want one - as in after the mc he immediately said lets try again but I wasn't in the right emotional or physical state to try.

OP posts:
blackeyeddog · 15/05/2011 22:49

I'm so sorry about the mc, it must have knocked you for six.

I know that at 40 you may feel like you are in a tearing hurry, however I think you should slow down. Put your reltionship back on an even keel. Get to a happier place within yourself? There are no guarantees that a baby will be totally healthy whatever your age, but yes you need to be aware of the risen risk of downs etc in this age group. Another reason to feel happier and have a strong relationship with your partner.

YANBU at all. good luck.

Original poster
in3minds · 15/05/2011 22:58

Thanks for the kind messages, and yes the mc (twins) was pretty tough. I do feel in a huge hurry I have to say and to wait at all seems crazy at my age, but I also recognise if I was ten years younger I would explore counselling for the mc and relationship but I'm not and worry every month could be the last chance and I'll regret it for the rest of my life if I don't just go for it...

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 15/05/2011 23:02

How do you propose to conceive if you and your partner are not getting along, surely the most important thing is to have a healthy stable relationship within which to bring a child?

Original poster
in3minds · 15/05/2011 23:05

fabbychic - I think we both recognise it is just a rocky patch rather than an inherently unstable relationship iyswim

OP posts:
FunnysInTheGarden · 15/05/2011 23:05

I am 40 and have 2 DC and could not possibly imagine another baby. Why do you want another? Am genuinely interested, why isn't 2 DC enough?

blackeyeddog · 15/05/2011 23:05

I had dc 1 at 36 and dc2 at 42, without a hitch. Lots of us have dc a bit older! You are bound to worry after the horrendous experience you had, poor you. I don't think you need to hurry, slow down, enjoy the ttc...

Original poster
in3minds · 15/05/2011 23:13

blackeyeddog - thanks, that is heartening to hear. I was a bit shook after the mc (still am in fairness)
funnys.. 2 dc, 1 dc or no dcs must feel right to many people - its not that they are 'enough' or 'not enough' to me, I just would love another, I would love my dcs to have another sibling and would adore to have another baby to care for and watch grow. I just feel we have the space in our lives for another one, even though we're both working in demanding jobs and are crazily busy..and having had such a sense of happiness when I was pg the third time, I suppose I have a tiny inkling of how I'd be able to accommodate thinking about a third - if that makes sense? As the mc was twins, I also think (not that it would be for anyone) that this would be absolutely in no way any kind of replacement as twins again would be so unlikely.

OP posts:
FunnysInTheGarden · 15/05/2011 23:24

that does make sense in3. I suppose that after 2 mmc, one before each DC, I couldn't put myself through that again, besides which I don't feel we have any space for another DC. Good Luck with your TTC, one thing I do know is that having a MC sharpens your need for a child.

Original poster
in3minds · 15/05/2011 23:29

Funnys...I am very sorry about your two mmcs, and thanks for the good luck - I suppose I had been so lucky with conceiving instantly each time that when it went wrong it really knocked me, so it might be a nerves thing

OP posts:
shakey1500 · 15/05/2011 23:32

in3

Sorry for your loss. Just to say, after our MC, my dh and I also went through a rough patch but knew that, ultimately, we would come out the other side. We went on to have ds (I was 38). For me, one was, and still is, enough. Good luck whatever you decide.

Original poster
in3minds · 15/05/2011 23:40

shakey.. thanks, I think that's what I mean when I say we're not getting on but think it will be ok. Congrats on your ds, and sorry for your loss. Its strange, I couldn't imagine ttc until my edd had passed, not sure if that is a common situation.

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 16/05/2011 08:05

It sounds to me as if you write as a person still suffering the effects of a MC rather than a person who is unsure about another baby.

I am sure you are pretty decided about trying again and when you do, you'll have the support of your DH.

Maybe just give it a couple of months, give yourself a bit more time to get yourself together? See the doc and ask for some counselling? You are right, it has clearly really knocked you. And probably your DH too. Good luck x

SmethwickBelle · 16/05/2011 08:42

I'm so sorry for your losses and for having such a tough time. Going from my own experience after a loss there is - or can be - a powerful feeling of wanting to replace what is lost - to get back to being pregnant again added to which it sounds like you and your DH and DC were happy to be pregnant last year too so I can see why all roads point to wanting a bump.

I don't think 40 is hugely old to have a third, I know the risks are elevated but you are no doubt very clear about what those risks are. Good luck if you decide to go for it.

MercurySoccer · 16/05/2011 08:49
  1. Have a chat with your doctors and midwives about how to minimise the risks this time.
  2. Consider counselling?
  3. Have the tests available to you.
Original poster
in3minds · 16/05/2011 09:17

smethwick...thanks..I know I can't replace what was lost as the lost pg was twins - but at least I had got my head around having 4 dcs so I guess 3 will seem manageable..I suppose the truth is I would love a baby but not a pregnancy if that makes sense, and I'm not sure when I'll be 'over' the mc - maybe never

OP posts:
sleepingsowell · 16/05/2011 09:36

you want another baby - your husband has already suggested trying again - your children are keen on the idea of another baby.......

I can't see what is holding you back! I did have alarm bells when you said you and DH weren't getting on but I understand what you say about a bad patch within a committed solild relationship - DH and I have been there, but at no point did either of us think it was ending. So if your relationship is basically solid, why not?

sleepingsowell · 16/05/2011 09:41

actually, I could have worded that better - of course I understand your concern and worry would hold you back as you don't want to go through that again.

But I guess I mean, you just have to decide whether the fear is stronger or whether your need to go ahead is stronger. There don't appear to be any factors that should hold you back OTHER than your understandable fear.

I think in your situation the only thing that would stop me would be if I thought that I were literally at risk of dying through another mc - because of course the family you already have must come first.

Have you seen your medical notes re the mc? were you seriously at risk or was the situation not so dire? Perhaps you could see the dr to get this clarified, if you aren't sure.

Original poster
in3minds · 16/05/2011 09:43

sleeping.. I suppose if I was 10 years younger I'd wait until dh and I were getting on better. ok, may be time to dust off the folic acid. Thanks everyone, fingers crossed...

OP posts:
WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 16/05/2011 09:45

YANBU to want one but I don't think I would. I'm so sorry about your twins :(

I totally understand about the concerns that not all will be well with a new baby - I had those concerns myself, although not due to age as I had mine at 20 and 22. DH is older though, which does carry some risks I believe.

Anyway, my basic view was that I was SO lucky to have had 2 healthy pregnancies and babies, I didn't want to push my luck if that makes sense. I do yearn for another sometimes, but I just think, what if a 3rd baby was too much? What if we couldn't cope or baby was unwell, or there were complications? I felt like, in a superstitious way, it was too much to ask for that a third pregnancy would be as healthy as the first two.

So I'm counting my blessings. It's quite easy to count to 2. 3 if you include DH :)

Original poster
in3minds · 16/05/2011 09:46

and yes, saw my notes - nothing about being at risk other than going into shock from blood loss when the mc happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
in3minds · 16/05/2011 09:50

wobblywidget... - I totally understand, I do feel very lucky and counting my blessings - and the small highs and lows and busyness of day-to-day of parenting - is all that has got me through the dark days. I suppose I hope the mc was my portion of bad luck - totally irrational I know - and the edd having passed its time to really move on now

OP posts:
shouldnotbehere · 16/05/2011 09:53

If you and your husband, are not getting on, I personally would not have a DC. It will not fix the problem.

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