to try for another baby

[in3minds]

ok please be gentle...I mc in first trimester last summer, am 40, have 2 dcs and would really love another....but 1. I am terrified of something going wrong, as the mc was really awful - as well as the emotional pain, it went dramatically wrong and I ended up with blood transfusion, weeks in hospital etc

1. My dh and I are not getting on, partly due to my almost freezing him out because of upset over the mc but I think we're ok in the long run
2. And this is maybe upsetting for others, so apologies for that but due to a number of factors I'm not sure I could cope with a disabled child, and due to my age have concerns on that front...

and yet, I am really consumed with wanting another baby - of course I know it might not be possible but all my pregnancies happened immediately we tried and with time running out - aibu to just go for it? Or would it be completely selfish?

In3minds, so sorry for what you have been through.

I asked a similar question a while back, and a lot of people replied that they wanted their last pregnancy to end well- not with a loss so they felt they had to try again.

Is it possible that you had problems because it was twins, and if it was a single baby there would be less risk with the pregnancy?

I would also agree with going and chatting to your doctor/midwife, perhaps they could put your mind at rest a little.

I am going through a similar dilemma, I have one child and after she was born she was terribly ill (she's fine now though).....the risks for the next baby having the same are elevated x 10. I'd love another but scared of the risks. I really need to get down and make an appointment with the GP but keep putting it off.

My 1st pregnancy ended with an early mc, and after that I was so desperate to try again. It must be a normal response.

Good luck with everything, whatever you decide.

Btw - after my mc, I think my DH and I went through the worst patch we ever have done. We're fine now- but I think at the time, for a while afterwards, there's a lot that's unsaid. I felt he didn't understand.

shouldnot.. - I'm not trying to fix the problem by having a baby! The problem is one of communication over the mc. as the last poster said, I feel he didn't and doesn't understand at all. Maybe because I was so physically unwell he thought it was all about me whereas I wanted him to act more upset than he did....
mrdinosaur - thanks - that's interesting about not wanting a last pregnancy to end in failure - I haven't consciously thought of it like that at all, although directly after the mc I felt almost competitive with my age/fertility gods or whatever to 'prove' we could be lucky again - I know, not exactly rational. At the same time something in me stopped me trying again immediately, probably because I didn't really 'deal' with the loss immediately.
I am so sorry your daughter was unwell, how worrying. And understand about appointment with GP, I hope you get up the courage to face directly into it. Every pregnancy is a leap of faith in some way I suppose, but in your case maybe even more so.
Its funny, all the many docs I saw at the time of the mc just fairly breezily told me I could try again and there was no reason at all for the mc - only one said age is a factor, and while I am clearly very fertile the problem with age is often fecundity - i.e. retaining a pregnancy. I was actually glad to hear that as I felt the other docs were skirting around the issue of age.
mrdinosaur - what will you do? I wish you all the very very best

Thanks In3minds, - I'm not sure what to do really. I'm so glad that I have my DD, she totally fulfills us. I think wanting to have another one is more for her to have a sibling than for us. Like company when she is older and I don't want to smother her as she grows up.

Then again, after reading about the illness she had....I feel so lucky that she survived in one piece and she is not brain damaged/blind/deaf from it, other people have not been so lucky.

I'm going on 35 now and feel like I need to make a decision in the next year at the latest. Think the risk is still low (1 in 100) if you've already had a baby with it (1 in 1000 normally).

I chop and change my mind about it all the time. Perhaps if I spoke to my GP I could get some clarity (but then by going to the GP, in my own head I am deciding 'yes, I want another'. I don't think I want to admit it or set my mind on it iyswim?)

Good luck, I hope everything goes ok for you!

I hesitate to add this but it was my experience - I know it makes sense to wait to come to terms with a loss and others have rightly suggested this - but I got pregnant three months after my miscarriage and I found it immensely healing.

mrdinosaur - I know what you mean about wanting a sibling for your dd. And whatever happens, I hope you will always have that sense of fulfillment and good luck. I hope all goes well for you and turns out for the best. And I know one child - if that is what you decide - is perfect.
smeth... - that's great. For me, for some reason, my edd passing felt like the right time to think about trying again. Maybe I should have before, but its strange how the unconscious works