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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask dp to spend time with me instead of his kids occasionally?

45 replies

greendog · 15/05/2011 16:43

me and dp dont have a brilliant relationship as it is. we've been together a few years now but don't live together. He sees his kids (age 12 & 14) at the weekend friday afternoon to sunday night. he does work 3 in 4 saturdays and 1 in 4 sundays so he doesn't get loads of quality time with the boys.

its been this way since we've been together, therefore i don't ever question the fact that i don't see him at weekends or do anything with him. i occasionally spend time with them but not very often as they tend to spend their time together going to football matches and playing xbox.

in the 4 years we've been together me and dp have been out alone very few times. the last time was last July for a ghost hunt for dp's birthday which was a friday night, and before that was the October before that for my birthday and we went out for dinner on a friday night.

because i don't have my ds's dad around i dont have opportunities to be child free often especially during the week. Occasionally i do at the weekend but then my dp has his kids at the weekend.

he lives with his mum and dad so has his kids there. they look after them while he works over the weekend. they are the ones who look after the boys the few times we have been out on a friday or saturday night.

the issue is that i do very rarely ask him to spend an evening out with me, but when i do he just says 'no i have the boys' and thats the end of it. its got to the point where i feel its just an excuse not to spend time with me. when he's with them they rarely do anything together in the evening and dp has usually fallen asleep by 9pm every friday and saturday night. so its not like i would be preventing him from an action packed evening.

he always tells me i dont understand and im unreasonable expecting him to not see the boys and go out with me instead. He gets quite horrible about it sometimes and he makes me feel bad for asking.

for example, i went to a wedding reception last night. he was also invited. i have been reminding him for months about the date and not to forget. he never gave me a straight answer as to whether he was coming, just 'we'll see'. anyway, he told me friday evening he wasn't coming cos he's got the boys. i got angry about it as all i wanted was him to come for 1 hour just to be out with me for once. he told me i was nasty and unreasonable etc for not understanding how difficult it is not having your kids live with you. he's not spoken to me since. i went to the wedding alone.

am i being unreasonable? he makes me feel i am, yet part of me thinks i cant put up with a life by myself for the next 6 years until the kids are older.

i have my ds during the week and because of school the next day i cant get sitters etc. my dp is asleep by 8.30pm when he comes round during the week we have the least exciting relationship ever. Im trying to do something about it but he's unwilling

i dont know if he is partly using the kids as an excuse to not go out with me

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 15/05/2011 16:45

Sounds like the relationship is going nowhere. I can understand why he doesnt want to give up his time with his ds. I guess you either accept this or move on.

follyfoot · 15/05/2011 16:48

I'm sorry, but this doesnt really sound like a relationship at all. It sounds like he is doing his very best to be a great father, but of course (if he wanted to) he could fit in spending some time with you too. That doesnt appear to be happening.

You arent BU at all, but perhaps you need to be very honest with yourself about whether it is worth continuing with a 'relationship' that gives you so little.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 15/05/2011 16:49

Agree with rainbow. Personally I'd move on and find someone who was available.

beckibicker · 15/05/2011 16:54

i think its commendable of him that he wants to use any spare time he has to be with his kids, but he doesnt sound a bundle of laughs. Maybe thats because he works long hours and is knackered.Couldnt his parents have your kids as well one evening so that you can both go out for an hour? Or could he bring his kids over to yours so you can all spend time together?

troisgarcons · 15/05/2011 17:00

TBH - his kids come first.

There is no committment to you - he doenst live with you nor has asked.

There are a thousand women on this forum who slag off their ex for dropping a child and moving on. He is a good and consistent father. But he's not ready for another solid relationship and clearly has no intention of building one with you. that's shown by the fact you are not included in his time with his children.

Time to move on.

TheOriginalFAB · 15/05/2011 17:03

I don't even know why you are still with him as you are clearly not happy and he obviously doesn't want to be with you.

YABU totally to ask him to spend time with you when he can be with his children.

It is time to finish this non-relationship.

mercibucket · 15/05/2011 17:03

it does sound like he's using the kids as an excuse otherwise he'd invite you along as well to days out together - do you get anything much out of this relationship cos it doesn't really sound like you do

MoonGirl1981 · 15/05/2011 17:07

If I'm honest it sounds as though he doesn't wantto be with you.

If he wanted to see you he'd fit it in. Not turning up for an hour to a wedding and the having a go at you says it all.

I know how hard it is to end a relationship and four years is a long time but don't call him again, move on with your life. You never know, he may end up calling you but in the meantime have some pride and spend some time looking after yourself.

xxxxxx

zipzap · 15/05/2011 17:10

Bet he would have asked his parents to look after his kids for a couple of hours if he'd wanted to go to a wedding reception for one of his friends...

Sounds like you are pretty low down his list of priorities, have to decide if you want that or if it is time to move on and find someone who is willing to treat you as a partner and share his life with you...

catsmother · 15/05/2011 17:14

Sorry .... it sounds like he's using his kids as an excuse. It's perfectly normal and hardly neglectful parenting if, every so often, he either paid a babysitter, or asked his parents, to look after them while he went out for a few hours on a weekend night .... after all, they're not babies, and surely the younger at least must go to bed at about 9-10 anyway.

Presumably then when you do see him it's entirely at his convenience .... probably when he wants to get his leg over. That means he's using you and you deserve better. Doesn't sound like he wants a relationship at all.

Original poster

greendog · 15/05/2011 17:15

i dont think i do really get much out of it to be honest. when i was at the wedding last night i thought to myself 'this will never be us'. i do really love him and i know he loves me, but its not everything that i want from a relationship. ive been hoping it would change and get better, but if anything its got worse as he's got comfortable with the way things are and no longer makes any effort. at the beginning he used to go out with me at weekends instead of being with the boys, but its got less and less over time until now where its non existant.

im not asking him to not see his kids and put me first, all im asking is to consider my feelings once in a while. the other day i asked him if on a friday evening we could play tennis or some kind of sport while his mum and dad has my ds. straight away he said no cos he has the boys. when i said they can come too, he said maybe, i dunno and didn't seem any more enthusiastic about the fact the kids could come too. its things like that that make me think its partly an excuse. his mum and dad are always trying to persuading him to do things with me in the evenings and they'll have the boys for a couple of hours but he isn't interested.

OP posts:

hairylights · 15/05/2011 17:16

He's not the man for you.

Pictish · 15/05/2011 17:17

I'd ditch him for someone who has the time of day for me. Frankly.

KidderminsterKate · 15/05/2011 17:22

sounds ridiculous and very hard. Impossible to maintain this relationship if he cant be bothered.

How did you get together in the first place and has it always been like this?

Cant see why you and him plus the children cant get together ona weekend......pizza and bowling etc?

Original poster

greendog · 15/05/2011 17:32

i do see his boys occasionally. we do some things together every so often - we've been out for dinner a few times, and i spent new years eve with them, ive looked after his boys a couple of times on a saturday day time while he's been at work and he looked after my ds the other day as he was too ill to go to school and it was his day off.

ive been to his mum and dad's when he's been there with the boys but he doesn't really talk to me much, he sits in the bedroom playing xbox with the boys and when ive been in the room watching them before, he suggests i go downstairs to talk to his mum

some of the reason i don't wanna split up with him is i get on well with the boys when i am with them which has taken a long time to build up, and they love my ds si it would be sad for all the kids.

OP posts:

silentcatastrophe · 15/05/2011 17:35

I expect your partner(?) feels very guilty about leaving his children's mother. That's nothing to do with you, and his behaviour towards you sounds awful. When are you going to start charging him for time with you? . If he is sidelining you to such an extent, he really is having his cake and eating it. Then he is bullying you. What's going to happen in 6 years? It's an awful long time to wait for nothing in particular apart from lonliness and insanity for you. YOu are not being unreasonable AT ALL. It may be better to grieve now for the loss of the relationship than to wait and wait and wait and end up bitter and angry.
What a horrible situation to be in.

Nanny0gg · 15/05/2011 17:37

I have to ask - how old are you all? Because he behaves more like a teenager than a grown-up.
Go back and re-read your post. If it had been written by someone else, what advice would you give?

Original poster

greendog · 15/05/2011 17:41

i know what i would tell someone else to do - run! but its different when your in it. im 27 and he is 37. in 6 years the youngest will be 18 and probably not seeing his dad every weekend therefore time for us to start our life. but i think by then we will have nothing to talk to eachother about where we would have lived completely seperate lives for so long

we really are living seperate parallel lives just brushing alongside eachother every now and then. we used to work together 9 years ago so have known eachother a long time. lots of history

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 15/05/2011 17:49

This isn't a relationship.

manticlimactic · 15/05/2011 17:49

6 years?? SIX YEARS?? Are you prepared to wait that long to start having time together 'probably'?

Time to move on. I know his sons should take priority but to not budge an inch (when he did at the start) is screaming to me that he's got too complacent and sees you at his convenience,

Doha · 15/05/2011 17:49

greendog you are in denial.
Your DP is just not that into you. he is not spending any qality time with you and although his commitment to his DC's is commendable he shows no commitment to you or any concern over your feelings.
You are 27 and have plentytime to find someone. Someone who will want to spenf time with you and not be so inconsiderate.
Don't run--walk away with your head held high.
You deserve better.

troisgarcons · 15/05/2011 17:49

Nopw you know why his ex left him .....

WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 15/05/2011 17:50

Time to move on IMO. His DCs deserve to spend time with their dad, and he deserves to be with them too. But YOU deserve a partner who spends time with you, too. And you aren't getting it.

I fail to see why you can't have family time all together - you've been together ages, surely this should be the norm? It's not like it's a 2-week fling, if you have any thoughts of a future together then you need to spend time getting to know each other, and his DCs are old enough to understand that dad has a girlfriend and that they should get to know you.

If DP is not willing to do this, it speaks volumes about his feelings TBH. I'd be issuing an ultimatum if I were you - start spending some weekends all together (maybe you could all go out on a saturday and then they'd still have the rest of the weekend alone) or it's over.

DH's exW banned their DCs from seeing me for several months (after I'd had a brilliant first meeting with them) - it was horrible watching him go off every Sunday. But the difference was, this was not of his doing - he was upset too, but obviously he still wanted to see his DCs! Gradually we worked up to non-pressured outings like cinema and bowling where you don't need to talk much, rather than in a house which is non-neutral IYSWIM and someone feels like an outsider or like their territory is being invaded.

I really sympathise, it's hard not to feel resentful, but unless you embrace his family it's going nowhere. And frankly it seems like HE is the one stopping you from doing this.

silentcatastrophe · 15/05/2011 17:51

It's a long time to wait for a bit of commitment which may or may not happen. it sounds awful. His youngest will move on and he will fill the gap with someone/something else. It quite likely won't be you. Are you prepared to spend the next 6 years watching the trains go by without catching one?

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 15/05/2011 17:53

Staying with him just because the kids get along is not a reason to stay.

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