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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask dp to spend time with me instead of his kids occasionally?

45 replies

greendog · 15/05/2011 16:43

me and dp dont have a brilliant relationship as it is. we've been together a few years now but don't live together. He sees his kids (age 12 & 14) at the weekend friday afternoon to sunday night. he does work 3 in 4 saturdays and 1 in 4 sundays so he doesn't get loads of quality time with the boys.

its been this way since we've been together, therefore i don't ever question the fact that i don't see him at weekends or do anything with him. i occasionally spend time with them but not very often as they tend to spend their time together going to football matches and playing xbox.

in the 4 years we've been together me and dp have been out alone very few times. the last time was last July for a ghost hunt for dp's birthday which was a friday night, and before that was the October before that for my birthday and we went out for dinner on a friday night.

because i don't have my ds's dad around i dont have opportunities to be child free often especially during the week. Occasionally i do at the weekend but then my dp has his kids at the weekend.

he lives with his mum and dad so has his kids there. they look after them while he works over the weekend. they are the ones who look after the boys the few times we have been out on a friday or saturday night.

the issue is that i do very rarely ask him to spend an evening out with me, but when i do he just says 'no i have the boys' and thats the end of it. its got to the point where i feel its just an excuse not to spend time with me. when he's with them they rarely do anything together in the evening and dp has usually fallen asleep by 9pm every friday and saturday night. so its not like i would be preventing him from an action packed evening.

he always tells me i dont understand and im unreasonable expecting him to not see the boys and go out with me instead. He gets quite horrible about it sometimes and he makes me feel bad for asking.

for example, i went to a wedding reception last night. he was also invited. i have been reminding him for months about the date and not to forget. he never gave me a straight answer as to whether he was coming, just 'we'll see'. anyway, he told me friday evening he wasn't coming cos he's got the boys. i got angry about it as all i wanted was him to come for 1 hour just to be out with me for once. he told me i was nasty and unreasonable etc for not understanding how difficult it is not having your kids live with you. he's not spoken to me since. i went to the wedding alone.

am i being unreasonable? he makes me feel i am, yet part of me thinks i cant put up with a life by myself for the next 6 years until the kids are older.

i have my ds during the week and because of school the next day i cant get sitters etc. my dp is asleep by 8.30pm when he comes round during the week we have the least exciting relationship ever. Im trying to do something about it but he's unwilling

i dont know if he is partly using the kids as an excuse to not go out with me

OP posts:

RossettiConfetti · 15/05/2011 17:57

Echoing the other posters, it sounds like it's already over.

Nb, has he lived with his Mum and Dad since his divorce? Could he afford to rent or buy his own place? Do you think he likes an easy life with his Mum looking after him? Perhaps he just doesn't need a wife or partner anymore... apart from for sex?

Move on and find someone you and your DS will be happy with - you're still young, and have a long life ahead of you. Next time you're at a friends wedding alone, well, hopefully you'll be open to meeting someone else instead of looking at the bride and groom and thinking 'that will never be me and him'.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 15/05/2011 17:58

Do you have a relationship with his parents/dcs and spend any time with them? Do you share holidays? Does he spend Christmas/New Year in whole or in part with you?

In the 'few years' that you've been with him has he made any noises about living together/marriage? Has he talked about your shared future when his dcs are grown? (TBH I would have thought that they are already of an age where they are developing their own social life at weekends)

Does he visit you every Mon-Thurs night. Does he stay over at your place? Does he have a relationship with your ds?

If you've answered no to the majority of the above, you need to question whether this 'relationship' is based on little more than convenience for him and wishful thinking on your part.

I haven't used 'dp' because it doesn't appear that you are in partnership with this man, but I'm sure you're aware that there's an awful lot of women out there who regret that they waited for men to be 'free' only to discover that they'd 'given up the best years of their life' to no avail. Please don't allow yourself to become one of them.

CareyFakes · 15/05/2011 18:01

As hard as it is, I'd walk away now, no more time wasted on a 'non-starter'. I accept fathers have to spend time with their kids, but I would also expect my partner to want to spend time with me also, I don't want preference, I'd want him to effectively manage his time and priorities.

Walk kid

jeckadeck · 15/05/2011 18:04

sorry but I'm in agreement with what's been said elsewhere. It sounds as if this guy isn't prepared to commit with you at all. Regardless of the circumstances of how you met and your relationship with his kids (with which I'm not too familiar) but if he was remotely into you he would have attempted to find time for you at some point before now. Cut your losses.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 15/05/2011 18:21

As your thread moved on while I was making a cuppa formulating my response some of my questions are redundant.

If he's like this at 36 I doubt that he'll change when his kids are grown. It's more likely that at 42 he'll be off with some girly half his age, or spend the next 18 years caring for his dps and only be able to see you for a couple of snatched hours on a weeknight.

Don't waste any more time stuck in dreary rut with a man who's got no time for or any inclination to have a life with you.

Get out there, girlfriend. Start casting your net wide - sure, you may have to throw a few back before you land a good catch but even the tiddlers will go some way to reviving your zest for life and puttng back the sparkle in your eye.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/05/2011 18:57

" i do really love him and i know he loves me"

Well I can see no reason for you to love him, and no evidence of him loving you. I think all the points that struck me have already been covered. He is living the life of a manchild, being cared for by his mum parents so that all that nasty housework and cooking are taken care of, he's got his boys to play the Xbox with, which leaves you the scraps. This started when he was 31, he's now 37 and will be becoming increasingly set in his ways.

You are only 27, you have been with him (really not 'with' though) since you were 21. I think you've become conditioned to him, and you need to snap out of it. Perhaps you thought initially you had to put up with this because 'who else will consider me with a little one in tow'? (Nonsense btw), or were impressed by his commitment to his children. No way would you have anticipated that six years later, you'd still be treading water.

QuintessentialOldMoo · 15/05/2011 19:03

I am sorry, but he seems to be the most boring man in the world.

He spends all his time with the kids playing xbox? And taking them to football matches? He cannot think of anything that all of you could do together, and have quality time?

Move on.

LDNmummy · 15/05/2011 19:06

Doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me. I would cut my losses and move on TBH.

Idlegirl83 · 15/05/2011 19:07

How is this a relationship? When do you actually spend any time with him doing 'relationship things' - chatting, laughing etc?! Move on, he's a waste of space :)

nzshar · 15/05/2011 19:08

You have been together 4 years and he still lives with his mum and dad??????

HubbaHubbaBubba · 15/05/2011 19:10

Okay, you say you love each other, but can you list his good points? Other than being a good father (or 'a fun dad' at least), you've shown nothing that suggests he's nice or fun or good to you :(

exoticfruits · 15/05/2011 19:12

Normally I would say that he has DCs so they must come first-but not in this case-there is no room for you at all. He needs to spend time with them so he needs to include you. Unless you have a relationship with his DCs, he has one with yours and you get on with his parents, he sees your family and friends etc I would forget him and move on. He has you in a very handy compartment-break out of it.

CurrySpice · 15/05/2011 19:20

Oh dear :(

It doesn't sound like he's a "P" at all :(

I would cut my losses if I were you - it doesn't sound like a relationship at all :(

I've been with my DP for 4 years. We don't live together because we chose not to. I live with my DCs and he lives in his own flat (he works away 4 weeks on, 4 weeks off and so this suits us rather than him coming and going out of the DCs' lives all the time) . We both have kids. We both put our kids first, always - unwritten rule. Sometimes I spend time with him and his kids. Sometimes he spends time with me and mine. But when we are both child-free our absolute top priority is to see each other. 24/7 if we can manage it. It may just be to sit on the sofa and chat and watch crap filsm while my kids are asleep. it might be for a quick lunch date, it might be for a Big Night Out or a weekend away. Whatever happens, we make time for each other. And, IMHO, that is how it should be.

saffy85 · 15/05/2011 19:21

I was all set to tell you YABU but you're actually not. You're asking very little of him really. It doesn't seem he is willing to deliver and in all honesty you've wasted enough time on this guy. Where do you see your relationship 5 years from now? Living together, married, maybe a little DC on the way? Don't wish to be harsh but signs don't point to that.

He's got all his bases covered- kids to mess around with, mummy to cook and clean for him and ofcourse act as onsite childcare when he wants to get his leg over with you.

In short, you deserve better.

nijinsky · 15/05/2011 19:23

Both of you sound as if you stay together out of habit and not love (or even because you like each other very much). He doesn;t want to spend time with you - that must feel like a rejection so many times. I don't think you would lose out on much if you quietly droppd him. You have to put yourself first. This is not even your family - he has made no committment to you. I agree with the poster who said that when his DCs start growing up, he will move on and most likely it will be with someone else.

atswimtwolengths · 15/05/2011 19:55

There's nothing there to love, OP. I think you'll find he's playing with his kids because he wants to play on the Xbox too. He's living at home because they take care of him without putting any demands on him. I feel sorry for his parents, to be honest - I hope my son isn't living at home with me at that age and being such a pathetic boyfriend.

You'll be amazed at how many men there are of your age who want to see you and take you out and have fun. Don't stay with that boring guy - he really isn't into you, he's just trying to have a very, very easy life.

Original poster

greendog · 15/05/2011 21:01

thanks everyone for your replies they have made me feel a bit better about what i need to do

il be back tomorrow morning to see if there are any more posts. He's coming round in a while and im going to have the 'talk' i think

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 15/05/2011 21:12

Well done-just tell yourself that you deserve better.

gotolder · 15/05/2011 22:52

You need to tell him to "shape up or ship out". You are are never going to get any more from him if you don't stand up for yourself. If even his Ps have encouraged him, and he would still rather "sit on the sofa" without putting any effort in then he is just using the DCs and his Ps and you as comfort blankets and babies are supposed to grow out of them.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2011 22:57

He doesn't have room in his life for a relationship outside his children. Move on.

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