Sorry this is long but I really need some views on this. Backstory's here - in short, I've barred my ex from my house owing to his behaviour towards the girls and I.
Two months ago I told my ex-husband that whilst he's welcome to see/take the girls out etc and to phone them he's no longer welcome in my home. We have no reason to have regular contact with each other and he rarely spoke to the girls during his once-a-month, hour long unannounced visits . Plus, his appearances upset DD2 (14), who's a bright, articulate child and who's suffered enormously over recent years with EBD linked to bullying at school. So, she kind of understands everything astutely but can't deal with the emotional impact.
He was rather taken aback!. As he stood on the doorstep DD2 came out of her bedroom, shouted some extremely rude (but extremely deserved TBH) abuse at him and burst into tears, sobbing that he didn't care about her. I asked him to go and that was that.
Since then he's made no effort to initiate contact with either DD although DD1 has rung him a few times, including to ask if he'd take her for dinner for her birthday. Surprisingly he said yes so he and his DP are taking her to for a meal next weekend. To my greater surprise DD2 said to me that she too would like to be invited. I said that she would have to cut the abuse, which she accepted calmly and I prepared her with a warning that her father would probably say no. And, in his defence, I could understand that he would resent taking out a child who has screamed at him that he's a bastard and a cunt 
BUT it's hardly surprising that she feels this way given how he's treated us all. He's an adult, he's the one who's let HER down and IMHO it's down to him to build bridges and to be the bigger person.
Now I find that there's been another conversation between DD1 and their father in which DD1 asked whether she might invite her girlfriend to the meal.
You can guess the answer - he'll take a stranger's daughter but he won't take his own 14 year old daughter. Not that he can only take one or the other, but that he won't take DD2 at all.
I want to sob and scream for poor DD2. I've told her not to worry, he's just a bastard, that WE will do something nice that evening... but how the fuck do you let one daughter and her friend swan out the door all dressed up to go out with her father when he refuses to take his other daughter? I could understand it if DD2 was much younger and the venue unsuitable, if she was going to get her turn when she is 16, if she was offered a night at their dads or a day out with him another time... I could even deal with it if he'd said that this is just a special night out for DD1 and that no-one else is invited.
But he hasn't done that. He's said he'll take an extra teenaged girl... just not his own. :(
He's driving into our village later to meet DD1 in order that he can hand this month's insulting amount of maintainence to her. Childish of him, I made it clear that he can put that through the letterbox but merely that he is not being invited in. It's not as if he'll stop to talk to DD1 or take her anywhere when he meets her.
ATM I want catch him when he turns up to rip his fucking head off because he's so thick he doesn't realise that he's causing DD2 to feel further rejected and that this will result in an escalation in her anger and distress (the consequences of which he of course doesn't have to live with!). I want to say that if he can't treat his DDs equally then he can fuck off and see neither... but realistically DD1's 16 now, that won't work and will only serve to make me the bad guy. Likewise I want to but can't just say that DD1 may go but she isn't taking her friend... but it's too late to spare DD2 so there's no point.
Of course I won't rip his head off but AIBU for saying he's an utter bastard... and what else can I say or do?