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wibu to ask?

37 replies

anotheracademic · 15/05/2011 10:09

This has been playing on my mind.

Went away to a hotel for a wedding and the majority of the guests were wedding guests as well. We were there for 4 days, met and "hung out" together after the wedding. The happy couple stayed too.

Was at lunch with ds, happy couple, mother of the groom and another couple who I had spent the day with but I have to say dont know very well (first time we have met) . At one stage the bride said she was tired and I heard one of the other couple say "why dont you all go back to the pool and we will sort out the bill". I didnt think anything of it and certainly didnt assume it meant me too. (By the way, I didnt have a meal, only my 6 year old ds did).

So the bride actually stayed, we all chatted, eventualy the couple got up. I saw through the corner of my eye that they were at the restaurant reception , sorting out the bill. Now in my family, we have a bad habit or trying to get up first to pay the bill...but i know thats family and dont expect that from anyone else, especially people I dont know that well.

So, I said "Oh no, they look like they are paying" and we all got up to go over and sort our own out, make sure they werent out of pocket etc.

I was last at the desk, having the 6 year old in tow , and got there to find the waitress waljing away from the desk with the little folder thing they give the bill to you in clutched in her hand and the happy couple and mother of groom thanking the couple for paying their shares (with lots of "you shouldnt haves" etc)

I was in a dilemma, do I assume, do I ask? So I said "you didnt pay ours did you"? (keeping in mind it was one 6 year old child's meal and lemonade- probably not relevant but anyway...).

The female of the couple stopped dead amd smirked and said in a loud, firm and passive aggressive "this is me asserting myself" way ...."er, NO, we didnt".

I was so embarrassed as this was in front of everyone and I felt like a scumbag for I just said "oh my goodness, Im so glad you didnt, Id feel so bad" and went to pay for ds' lunch.

Do you think I was BU to have asked? Or is it mean to pay for everyone at a table's lunch and leave out one person?
I can see why asa we dont know eachother that well but my god, I was so mortified.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 15/05/2011 10:14

Why were you mortified? They should have been because it is rude to pay everyone but one person's at a table.

And how were you to know if you didn't ask? You are not psychic.

99.9999% of the worlds problems would be solved if people just told people what they need to know or ask for more information when they need it. Which is what you did.


TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/05/2011 10:15

You shouldn't have been mortified - you just asked a question and didn't expect them to pay. I think you're a teensy bit over-sensitive (I would be the same) but she sounds like a miserable boiler.

If they were going to pay for the whole meal otherwise I think they are a bit tight to tell the waitress to exclude the kids meal and lemonade! Why not just pay the lot - and accept your cash?



anotheracademic · 15/05/2011 10:17

I felt mortified I think because of the way she answered. I felt like I was 2 inches tall. (and I wasnt sure if by asking, I was kind of assuming iykwim). Maybe I should have approached the waitress first.

OP posts:

ConsuelaBananahammock · 15/05/2011 10:18

Nightmare, have had that happen to me. I would probably have asked as well, and i'd also have been mega embarrassed Blush

I also hate the whole gang goes out for meal and everyone is supposed to put £30 in the kitty for food/drinks. I went once when 12wk pregnant, drank sparkling water and barely ate cos I had severe all day morning sickness and couldn't keep anything down!


Icelollycraving · 15/05/2011 10:19

Of course you would have asked! Very bad form to make a big gesture of paying for everyone except a kids meal though,don't give it another thought.


TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/05/2011 10:21

She is rude - not you. She made herself look like a petty tight-wad.


Salmotrutta · 15/05/2011 10:27

anotheracademic - I'd have been exactly like you - writhing with embarrassment about it all. I totally get what you mean about not wanting to appear that you were assuming they'd paid but needing to find out.
I can spend days squirming with mortification if feel I've been misunderstood IYSWIM?
Don't worry about it though - you had to ask to.
I'm getting better as I get older though!! Grin


ENormaSnob · 15/05/2011 10:34


she made herself look a mean, petty bitch IMO


TidyDancer · 15/05/2011 10:37

What was the alternative? Walk out without paying because you'd assumed you'd been covered? While I think they were completely right in not paying for you, YANBU to have asked, basically to confirm it.


darksideofthemooncup · 15/05/2011 10:41

Yanbu, now don't give it another moments thought, (easier said than done though I know!)


springydaffs · 15/05/2011 10:56

urgh, what a bully to publicly humiliate you like that. It was an ordinary q and should have had an ordinary and sensitive reply - any decent person would not only have answered you properly but would have paid for your child's meal when she paid for the rest.

totally agree about the 99.9999% but people seem to be pathologically incapable of asking/answering clearly for some bizarre reason. YOu did the right thing OP, all along, don't worry about the horrid cow.


TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/05/2011 10:58

Also (sorry I am REALLY over-reacting to this bitch wedding guest) - how RUDE to leave the table and go to pay the bill without discussing with you first about how they were going to divide it.


52Girls · 15/05/2011 11:08

What a rude ol' baggage she is.

"This is me being assertive".....hahahaha. Strange.


CareyFakes · 15/05/2011 11:09

YANBU, you asked a question and she rudely answered. She comes across tighter than a nun's fanny and tbh that's a poor trait in a person. I would've paid the kids meal, no skin off my nose, and I would 'select' who I paid for. They shouldn't of offered if they were unable to do so politely.


RubyGrace17 · 15/05/2011 11:20

I'd be the same- mortified. But she is the one who should be embarassed, paying for everyone and excluding a child's meal and a lemonade. Just forget about it, she will have looked extremely petty to everyone else there, not you. :)



trixymalixy · 15/05/2011 11:25

You conducted yourself with dignity and did the right thing. She on the other hand showed herself to be a petty cow.


fluffles · 15/05/2011 11:26

i don't think you should be mortified at all - and as eleanor roosevelt said nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission... i don't think you said anything wrong.. in fact, after she answered i'd say - well does the waitress know that you've not paid for the kids meal and drink becuase she's just left with the bill...


MrsSatsuma · 15/05/2011 11:37

Nope I would have done the same (including the being mortified bit). You are not psychic. How rude of her to make a big deal of it!


heliumballoons · 15/05/2011 11:53


I think her rudeness stemed from the fact that when you asked her she realised she had probably paid £40 for adults meal and drinks and it seemed rather silly to exclude a kids meal and drink at what? £5?

No she shouldn't have been expected to pay for it - but then neither did you expect her too.

I hope otherwise you had a great time. Smile


diddl · 15/05/2011 11:55

Am I the only one who would have asked the waitress?


anotheracademic · 15/05/2011 12:09

I should mention that she stood between me and the waitress at the point of asking. Im glad others dont necessarily think I was too much bu.

OP posts:

ShoutyHamster · 15/05/2011 12:20

She made herself look awful.

Nothing worse than someone 'asserting' themselves when there's absolutely no need to - you just look insecure and silly.

You asked a perfectly reasonable question.


ChippingIn · 15/05/2011 12:25

Honestly, don't worry about it - she only made herself look like a prize twat!

Probably Diddle :)

If I had been her I would have just paid for it all though - it's a bit petty to not pay for a small kids meal & drink if you're paying for the rest of the table - though had it been the other way I wouldn't expect anyone to have paid for my childs meal & drink... hmmm - probably explains why I'm broke :) LOL


ChippingIn · 15/05/2011 12:26

Diddle - I wouldn't have asked the waitress while the woman was standing there because, to me, it would have felt like I was 'ignoring' her - it would seem rude.


Tee2072 · 15/05/2011 12:28

Reading the OP again I would be the woman was embarrassed that she didn't pay for the child's meal. How petty was that?!?!

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