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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to my neigbours request?

69 replies

2littlegreenmonkeys · 15/05/2011 09:49

I am gonna try and keep this short.

My next door but one neighbour has asked that once my DD1 starts nursery at the local school (tomorrow eeeek, as we have had to give notice at the private nursery she went to) that when he send his DD there can I drop off and pick her up.

I have said no for many reasons;
One, being I do not want to be tied down with or the responsibility someone his DD.
Two, I wont always be coming straight home after picking DD1 up from nursery.
Three, his DD is VERY hard work and has to be watched to make sure she doesn't hurt DD2 which she seems to do A LOT if I ever help him out.
Four, he ever reciprocates (not that I would ever ask him though, but that is beside the point)
Five, His DD's mother (he has full custody and her mother has supervised access with him present) is a fucking nutter and I know if she saw me with her DD, would kick off big style. I do not want that hassle, I do not what my DD's to see that and I don't think her DD would like to see it either.
Six, he doesn't work and has said himself that he has no other commitments apart from his DD, his dog and the house, so I don't see why he cant do it.

I am sure I will remember more reasons later Grin

I understand that I will be going to and from the nursery anyway, but I don't want to be held in a 'contract' as it were to take and collect his DD.

I haven't told him any of the above reasons as he can be a bit of a loose cannon if he does not get his own way. I have unfortunately been on the receiving end of this before when I told him I couldn't babysit his DD while he made an important telephone call Hmm as I had my Nana for the afternoon and as nana has dementia I have to keep an eye on her and the DD's quite closely. He kept saying that it was only an hour!
There are many similar stories to this one as well, but I fear I have already gone on wayyyyyyy too long.

AIBU?

OP posts:
JulesJules · 15/05/2011 10:01

And what happens when your DD will be missing nursery for illness or some other reason - will it still be your responsibility to drop off/collect his DD? Or find someone else to do it? It is quite ridiculous.

He sounds so unreasonable, I wouldn't get drawn into a discussion.

Original poster
2littlegreenmonkeys · 15/05/2011 10:03

Grin Wow I have never seen an AIBU thread that all say NBU Grin

Thanks everyone I was feeling a bit Confused I hate saying no to people but he has helped me to do so as he always asks me to babysit several times a week. He has even asked in the past for me to cancel DD's appointment to see orthopedics to check her collar bone that she fractured. I told him no and kept saying it and felt good for it TBH.

OP posts:
AnonymousBird · 15/05/2011 10:03

Don't say any more than you have said already. NO is simply NO.

YADNBU. There are just too many reasons why you are so right to turn him down.

DO not feel the need to elaborate, don't fill any awkward silences should any arise if/when he approaches you again.

Easier said than done, I know, but so far you have done exactly the right thing so hang in there however much pressure/muttering or whatever he brings to bear.

Bluebell99 · 15/05/2011 10:03

My friend had a neighbouring child turn up on her doorstep every morning saying "can I walk with you?" in fact it seemed to be par for course down that cul de sac, sometimes she had her own and three extra. She was always moaning to me but wouldn't say anything to the parents who wld send their kids round at 8 20 every morning.

pigletmania · 15/05/2011 10:03

The cheeky tograg, YANBU at all it is a big commitment, and you would be tied to this every day. Would he do the same to you? No I don't think so, and yes if you told him only in emergencies, I can imagine everyday there would be an emergency.

gillybean2 · 15/05/2011 10:04

Thing is if you say you're happy to help in an emergency you'll soon find emergencies happening all the time. So I wouldn't say that yet either.

You don't have to give a reason at all. Some people think they are entitled. If he goes on about it again simply ask him if he'd be happy doing the same for someone every day seeing as how he can't be arsed to do it for his own dd even

Other reasons are:
7) That your dd may go on a play date or have a friend home.
8) She will be starting some clubs so not be coming home straight away every day.
9) If you want to go in early or stay late or chat to friends or to see the teacher or join the PTA, or pop to the shops etc you don't want to be beholdent to him or have him worry that you are late home when you are busy with your life extra curricular things.
10) You use the journey to/from school to chat to your dd about her day, homework etc and you believe it is an important part of her school day to spend that small but significant quality time together.

ImeldaM · 15/05/2011 10:04

OMG, No, definately, if your DD & his become close friends and you want to, you can offer now & again, eg if she was coming back to yours for play or something, but otherwise, what a cheek!

Although would maybe try to find out if he has any health problems, if you don't know of anything already, just in case, 'big society' & all that.

Icelollycraving · 15/05/2011 10:05

Yanbu!! Of course not!
When he asks again,say 'I've already said no,not possible'
Don't get into saying any reasons,if he asks then simply say ' I don't want the responsibility of your family. I don't understand why you can't do it yourself.'
Don't mention emergencies. Don't get into a conversation about it & don't back down!

Original poster
2littlegreenmonkeys · 15/05/2011 10:06

I wonder if it is because I am a SAHM and DH is out to work and he just thinks that as I am home it would be no biggie to look after other peoples DC!

I have a neighbour a few doors down who has 2 DS's who are the same ages as my DD's and are a pleasure to look after, but my other neighbour also reciprocates, so we both have some support from each other Smile

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 15/05/2011 10:08

YANBU He sounds like he has an enormous sense of entitlement Hmm

saffy85 · 15/05/2011 10:09

YANBU christ what a lazy freeloader. Not to mention a sense of entitlement. Dont bother giving reasons as you dont have to. Or if you do, make up some ridiculous ones Grin

Mishy1234 · 15/05/2011 10:09

YANBU at all. Don't get involved. The parents sound unhinged.

diddl · 15/05/2011 10:09

So, you are a SAHM, he is a SAHD, but thinks that his child is your responsibility?

Because you are female?

Original poster
2littlegreenmonkeys · 15/05/2011 10:10

Thanks everyone, so many more reasons not to say yes to his requests. I am hoping that once DD2 starts at the nursery in about 18 months that I can finally start looking for some part time works and will be arranging after school clubs or other people to collect the DD's so it would then be nigh on impossible to have his DD tagging along as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
2littlegreenmonkeys · 15/05/2011 10:12

diddl I think that is about the bottom line Confused
I think I may not have helped matters as in the past I would babysit at the drop of a hat for him as I hate saying no to people but now I not only don't want to but I really cannot commit.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 15/05/2011 10:14

2littlegreenmonkeys are you the same poster who had a problem with your male neighbour's DD being foisted on you repeatedly?

suburbophobe · 15/05/2011 10:15

It's really none of his business that you are a SAHM, and you don't have to defend any choices you make in your life to him!

He expects you to be an unpaid "nanny" for his child?? What a cheek!

Poor child too, daddy can't even be bothered to take her to school! Sad

Original poster
2littlegreenmonkeys · 15/05/2011 10:17

longtalljosie, I might be Grin I cant remember if I have moaned about him here before though, although DH does bear the brunt of my moaning Grin

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 15/05/2011 10:17

Perhaps, as a bloke, he would feel uncomfortable at the school gates with the gaggle of women? Lets face it, the school gate is hideous at the best of times with all the bitching going on.

Just say no, it's inconvenient and leave it at that.

Of course if you do allow yourself to be lumbered it means the school would have to have written permission for you to pick up and that leads onto whether you become the "emergency person" for every bump, scrape and vomit not to mention all those "quiet words" the teacher wants to have.

Steer well clear.

moogster1a · 15/05/2011 10:18

I'm a childminder and would charge £5 for each collection if they were going straight home.
Suggest to him that that's a reasonable fee for the commitment and see what he says! ( you never know, he might agree and you'll be £100 a montth better off ).

Chandon · 15/05/2011 10:19

please say no WITHOUT justification (other than maybe "it's not convenient as I often do not take her straight home"). Don't go into lengthy explanations where he can talk you into it.

kill it now!

cheeky sod.

kangers · 15/05/2011 10:23

WELL DONE for saying no in first place- I would have said yes out of politeness and being caught short. So good answer, stick to it YANBU at all.

muddyangels123 · 15/05/2011 10:24

Just say NO.

Your own family comes first.

My friend wanted me to take her DS to nursery with DD, i said i did'nt mind
Now & again, but she expected it everyday. I said No in the end.
I liked to be able to come & go , without the worry of someones elses child.
I felt my child then came second to my friends child.

TattyDevine · 15/05/2011 10:29

I can't help but feel he thinks it might be women's work and somehow above him.

Definite no.

Original poster
2littlegreenmonkeys · 15/05/2011 10:32

Tatty, that had crossed my mind but you have voiced it so much better that I would have.

OP posts:
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