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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to continue sending my DS to pre-school?

27 replies

cheekster · 13/05/2011 22:45

A bit of background info - I will try to keep it short

I am on mat leave at the moment but I am due back to work in september, however, this is when DS will start at nursery school. Which I am worried will be all too much for the little chap to cope with. So to try to ease the situation, I have started DS at a pre-school as he has never been left anywhere like this, he has always been cared for by me, DH or my mum or sister.

However, I have been very worried about sending him as over the last few months he has become quite anxious and he struggles to deal with new environments, especially if we take him somewhere he has never been before e.g. a day trip somewhere. I think the arrival of DS2 hasnt helped. I just think the timing is not right, he doesnt seem emotionally fit at the moment ...

But I feel I have little choice, better now than in september when I am back at work.

So, today was his first day and it was just awful! He didnt cry when I left him initially, but when a walked past the window I could see he was crying. I expected this and tried not to worry. But when I picked him up 2 hours later he was still crying, he had worked himself up into a mess, and he was still sobbing the whole way home in the car. He keeps begging me not to take him back there again. But what has upset me most is he is having nightmares about it. He had a nightmare about it during his afternoon nap and he had one about an hour ago - he is screaming out "I want Mummy" in his sleep.
I feel as if I have traumatised him. DH thinks I shouldnt take him anymore and leave it until september, but i think as heartbreaking as it is maybe we should stick at it. AIBU to continue to send him - I know next time i take him, I will have to take him in kicking and screaming Sad

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/05/2011 22:47

I would say hard as it is, keep doing it. Once he realises you will always come back, he will soon settle in and make friends.

ohmyfucksy · 13/05/2011 22:49

How old is he?

neolara · 13/05/2011 22:51

I wouldn't leave him there. Sorry. Probably not what you wanted to hear. You've got three months before he has to go and little ones can grow up a lot in that time.

How old is he?

Original poster
cheekster · 13/05/2011 22:53

3 in July

OP posts:
hocuspontas · 13/05/2011 22:54

Life's too short. Keep him at home and worry about September when it happens.

ohmyfucksy · 13/05/2011 22:57

I would probably keep him at home for a bit. If he has to go in September, he has to go. But by then he might not mind so much

sasamaxx · 13/05/2011 22:58

what hocuspontas says
Sept is ages away and he will change between now and then

seeker · 13/05/2011 22:59

He'll be a different person in September. Don;t take him any more. Have a lovely summer.

FabbyChic · 13/05/2011 22:59

Can I ask if he feels put out by the baby? Are you still making a fuss of him? He maybe feeling that he isn't your baby anymore and feeling rejected, and now you are leaving him at pre-school he feels you don't want him anymore because you have replaced him

LordOfTheFlies · 13/05/2011 23:00

Oh sympathy.As difficult as it is now it won't be any easier come Sept when you are trying to get yourself to work,DS2 to whever he's going and DS1 to nursery.At least if you do it now he's got 3+ months to settle in.If you chop and change now it might be more of an unheaval.
Children ARE very resilient, its tough going (been there with DS and DD) .DS was King Clingy of the Clingy People.

MeltingChocolateBunnies · 13/05/2011 23:03

Don't take him now.
Wait until September and he might be a lot more confident by then

Dilligaf81 · 13/05/2011 23:05

Poor you But I think lordoftheflies is right you will just be delaying it till sept when it will be much more emotional if you have to get off to work too. Do you know anyone at the preschool so maybe have a few playdates together so he has a familiar face ? Plus if you make friends now you can meet up during the school hols so maybe DS will look forward to going back to preschool. My DS was very similar so I bribed him that for every week he went in ok we would go and buy him a comic straight after school on the Fridy - works a treat.
Good luck.

ayeayecapn · 13/05/2011 23:09

Could you just take him in for half an hour or so each time, and stay with him to start with, then leave but, then start leaving him for a bit longer? Just so it becomes a fun activity with you, and he gets to know the staff, before being left?

Original poster
cheekster · 13/05/2011 23:21

He already knows 3 other children that go to there, I hoped that would help him as he knows them all well.

He definately doesnt feel pushed out since DS2 has been born, I always make a big effort to fuss more over DS1 which is another reason why I thought sending him to pre school, nice to spend some 1-1 time with DS2. I think has fantastic relationship with DS2 is a reflection of that.

I think leaving him for a short amount of time with me staying with him for longer could be the answer.

TBH i really want to take the easy route and bail out, but Ive got to think about what is best for DS in the long run. At the moment while Im off on mat leave I can leave him half and hour at a time to ease him in, that won't be possible in september when Im at work. But I just feel like a cruel cruel mum

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekster · 13/05/2011 23:22

Im liking the bribery too, will have to try that one

OP posts:
greenbananas · 13/05/2011 23:35

Will they let you and DS2 stay with him?

If he feels secure in the nursery environment with you there, he might be more willing to stay there on his own in September...?

pookiecat · 13/05/2011 23:43

If he was crying for 2 hrs why did noone contact you ?? Seems a bit iffy, I would keep him at home or try him somewhere else.

CocktailQueen · 13/05/2011 23:43

It's hard, isn't it? I started ds at preschool last summer and he just didn't settle and cried for the first few weeks, which I hated, so I took him out and told him, you don't have to go now but when you're a big boy of 4 you can go... he started the term before his 4th bday and now loves it. It al depends on how much you need him to go now and how strongly you feel. He could settle down quickly after his initial wobble. Will the staff keep you informed?

greenbananas · 13/05/2011 23:46

As Pookiecat said, it's a bit worrying that this nursery accepted 2 hours of crying.

Would a kindly and sympathetic home-from-home childminder be more appropriate for him?

Dilligaf81 · 13/05/2011 23:51

Was he crying the whole time ? When My DD nad my friends DS started at nursery her DS would cry hysterically, grab her legs etc she would leave i tears everyday. My DH worked next door to the nursery and watched as she got out the door drove off her DS was as happy as larry. When it came to pick up time he would start crying when he heard the gate and stop if the person coming in wasnt his mum. DC's know how to pull our strings.

kittykaty · 14/05/2011 08:28

I would definitely check with the nursery to be sure that he was crying the whole time. A good nursery would not let that happen. My DD2 started nursery around her third birthday and was crying hysterically when being dropped off. Her nursery teacher told me to wait outside as she would not let her stay for long in that state. After twenty minutes the nursery teacher came outside and told me she was settled but to come back early for her until she felt more secure. She is now happy to go to nursery as a result. To be honest if your son's nursery are unwilling to consider something similar to help him settle I would not send him.

x2boys · 14/05/2011 08:41

my ds started school nursery last september when he was nearly four i too was worried because he had never been to a childminder preschool or anything me and dh both work full time but both work shifts so work opposite each other also he had had a few upheavels his baby brother being born a few months before and i went back to work in october after being on mat leave for seven months he settled in well but he was nearly four dont know the answere but some kids cried a lot at first and got used to it

hocuspontas · 14/05/2011 08:51

If he's changing settings in September you can't be sure he won't go through the same upheaval even if he settles now. Poor little thing - he's only 2 he wants his mummy! Stay at home and enjoy the last few months.

RockyAddict · 14/05/2011 10:23

I started leaving my DS2 with my childminder at the age of 18 months so that I could spend a morning with my DS1. And also to get him used to being with someone other than me. Maybe I'm a tough hearted mum, but I love the little fella and thought that that was the right thing for him, and his brother.
The first morning was a disaster and the childminder called me back after less than an hour because he was so upset. But I persisted the following week and the next week and within a couple more weeks there were no tears and he went happily.
I don't think he's been scarred for life. He started pre-school happily and without a backward glance a year later. And starting reception was fine too.
I love my kids. They are great and wonderful and amazing. But I am their mum and I need them to know that I make the decisions and that I'm making them for good reasons although they may not like them. I'm certainly not making decisions like that lightly. Call me selfish if you will, but maybe even having a child is a selfish thing to do (I'll wait for that can of worms to open now).
Good luck with your decision.

gkys · 14/05/2011 10:40

take him out bring home, he can't be put through that, am guessing he realised the dc2 was with you, it will fall into place when it has to, don't put yourselves through it til then

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