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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not unreasonable but so scared

53 replies

atosilis · 13/05/2011 21:44

I went out with 2 friends for the first time in ages. I went to sit down as I was tired and they were still dancing. I hadn't had a lot to drink and there are photos of me looking completely normal. I can remember agreeing to a drink with a group round the table - then blank. I woke up the next morning in some bloke's bed, he was waking me up telling me to go home before his flatmate woke up. I couldn't get out of the building and had to wait for a woman to come down the stairs and press a buzzer, she took me to a cafe and got me a cup of tea, told me how to get a train. I try so hard to remember what happened and nothing. I'm convinced I've got every lurgy going and can't get it out of my head. I can't tell my friends, I just told them I was tired and went home early although they were trying to ring me all through the night. My husband is coming back from a business trip tomorrow and I am petrified.

OP posts:
MumblingRagDoll · 13/05/2011 21:58

I thnk you MUST tell DH...you need him now....he will be devestated for you...he wont think you have done wrong. You and he need a councilor to get through this together. xxx

ashamedandconfused · 13/05/2011 22:00

Please go to the police, you owe it to yourself to stop the ba$!*$d who did this to you, there will be CCTV, even if it does not show anything untoward happening you may recognise someone

What if he does it to someone else?
Do you need to do a pg test or are you on the pill?

Be strong!
Hugs

NulliusInVerba · 13/05/2011 22:01

0808 802 9999

That number for you atosilis

They can talk to you and help, whatever you decide to do.

thisisyesterday · 13/05/2011 22:01

i agree, you can't live with this secret...

ashamedandconfused · 13/05/2011 22:01

Please do not base the rest of your life with DH on dishonesty, you owe it to him to tell him. You will need help getting over this,whatever happens, so he needs to know.

darleneoconnor · 13/05/2011 22:02

Call rape crisis and go to the police.

But I'm going to go against the grain and say maybe don't tell your DH. It depends on what kind of person he is and how you think he might take it.

This happened to a friend of mine but when she told her DP some time later he did get jealous (WTF?!) and tried to track the guy down on his own for some vigilante justice.

DameShirleyKnot · 13/05/2011 22:03
Sad

Please have a little look at the link I posted. Just have a little look around at the website, it's very good.

I'm very sorry that this has happened to you.

FabbyChic · 13/05/2011 22:03

Im really sorry this has happened to you, anything in your system will now be gone and no trace would have been left. If nothing else learn from this and realise that you should never accept a drink that you have not seen being made.

I hope that in time you are able to forget, it must be horrendous not being able to remember anything.

ashamedandconfused · 13/05/2011 22:05

secrets and lies destroy more relationships than honesty, would you want him to keep important, serious things from you?

squeakytoy · 13/05/2011 22:05

You have to go to the police, because otherwise this is going to eat you up and fuck up your life. I can only imagine how scary it must be, but dont let them get away with it, the next person could end up dead. You have done NOTHING wrong at all.

Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 22:05

OP, this is not your fault. Please, please go to the police. You really have done nothing wrong. The police will look at the CCTV at the bar and will probably want one of their docs to examine you. They may offer you a full screening too although this will need to be repeated later.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT but you need to speak with someone in RL, including your DH.

Original poster
atosilis · 13/05/2011 22:07

Thanks, I'll follow the links and get up the courage to ring the GUM clinic. If I'm clear, it's history. BIG lesson learned.

OP posts:
strawberrymewmew · 13/05/2011 22:08

OP, please go to the police.

However I will say that (and I'm not totally sure I agree with this but...) you should maybe not tell your DH as judging by a post I have seen from you before, he is obviously not very understanding.

Honeybee79 · 13/05/2011 22:10

I think you have to go to the police and tell your DH because otherwise, if you keep this hidden away within yourself, if will slowly eat away at you and your relationship with your DH. No one will blame you for it.

Original poster
atosilis · 13/05/2011 22:12

I'm going to bed, just knackered, thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
atosilis · 13/05/2011 22:13

I'm not ignoring everyone, I need to go and sleep on it all....

OP posts:
Waltons · 13/05/2011 22:13

Atosilis - I noticed that you have posted before on MN about the difficult times you were having with your DH then. Do you feel confident about aproaching him about this issue?

millie30 · 13/05/2011 22:14

OP I think you need to concentrate on yourself first, you can think about your DH later. Please get some support and talk things through with someone, Rape crisis would be a good idea. Then, when your head is a bit clearer, you can decide whether or not you want to tell him. But please speak to someone.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 13/05/2011 22:14

Have you been able to discreetly find out if either of your friends saw you leave? Can you recall the address or whereabouts of the flat you woke up in? If so, the woman who helped you can substantiate your account and, from what you have said, it very much sounds as if your drink may have been spiked

If you do not feel able to call the police at this particular moment, I would suggest that you take yourself off to your nearest A&E now. Explain what has happened and ask for a blood/urine test which may at least establish whether you were drugged.

Please be reassured that it is unlikely that you have contracted any lurgy, but I'm sorry to tell you that there is the possibility that your lost hours may have been recorded and could be viewed by large numbers of others without your knowledge.

I do hope you will find the courage to contact the police - if you were drugged and raped, the scum male(s) responsible should be apprehended asap before another woman comes to even more harm than you've suffered.

At the very least, I would advise you to be honest with your husband as the truth has habit of coming to light at the most inconvenient times.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 13/05/2011 22:17

Rohypnol can be detected in blood for 24 hours and can be detected in urine 48 hours after ingestion - get yourself tested tonight.

fidelma · 13/05/2011 22:23

Please go to the police.You have done nothing wrong.You need to try and stop this from happening to other women and girls.

Your Dh needs to know as he needs to support you.Without sounding terrible if he can't support you through this what can he support you through.

I dont think you are thinking straight.Tell a girlfriend. XXX

squeakytoy · 13/05/2011 22:38

Izzy, Op says this happened a week ago :( so too late for those drugs to still be in her system.

Vallhala · 13/05/2011 22:50

Agree that you should go to the police and confide in your husband, you need support lovey. This is NOT your fault, never, ever, ever.

You caan't keep something like this to yourself, it has the capacity to affect your whole life... you've already said that you won't ever go out again even for a coffee and you can't live like that. Reporting the crime that has been committed against you, trusting good friends will help you overcome it and see it for the wicked crime that it is - heaven knows your friends could go to the same place again and it could happen to one of them, it almost certainly WILL happen to another woman/women.

By telling people you trust and treating it as a crime you will be confirming to yourself that YOU are not the one in the wrong here.

Go easy on yourself, thinking of you.

Val x

ledkr · 13/05/2011 22:55

sorry to butt in and im so sorry this has happened but if you are going to the police try to go soon as they often tape over the cctv after awhile. Op you have done nothing wrong,women go out every night and have few drinks and maybe a flirt and no we shouldnt but i have accepted drinks from strangers,stupid, but i didnt deserve anything bad to happen to me and neither did you.

squeakytoy · 13/05/2011 22:58

To anyone, if you do accept a drink off a stranger, go to the bar with them, and get a bottled drink so that you know nobody can tamper with it. It is not unknown for people to be in cahoots with the bar tender either, so it makes it more difficult for them to pop anything into a bottle which they only have to take the cap off.

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