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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he has something to hide

35 replies

Ray81 · 13/05/2011 17:19

Ok bit of background. Had some problems with my H misuse of the internet which i found out about this time last yr, it had been going on for a yr. Fake facebook, msn, use of porn etc talking to women ALOT. He said was an ego boost promised to NEVER do it again apologised. I was due to have our DD2 so wasnt very strong and didnt want to end the relationship over it.

This yr he has been giving a girl a lift to work on a sat and i wasnt comfortable with it, never said anything. Then i started working in the same office and she ignores me completely, it has been pointed out to me by 1-3 people that they now behave differently with each other. He always told me they never realy talked and he didnt know much about her.

He still has his own face book account yesterday afternoon i had to ask for his email password and he gave it to me, i wondered if it was the same as his facebook account password and tried it and it was. I never looked at anything just logged in and back out again, thinking i should show some trust not that he deserves it tbh. So this morn i tried to log in again (i dont know why somthing told me to) and it told me the password was changed yesterday at 7pm or there abouts. So he got in from work after telling me the password on the phone and then changed his password then and there. But not the email password.

So i am thinking he has something to hide and i am going to have to say something AIBU or not to think this ?

OP posts:
justpaddling · 13/05/2011 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 13/05/2011 17:22

sorry,but does sound ominous,yes.

GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 13/05/2011 17:23

Have you posted about this before Ray81?

Original poster
Ray81 · 13/05/2011 17:25

Ghost i posted about H taking the girl to work and it funnily enough has stopped since i have started going in on some saturdays to do over time. She nows gets the train to work

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 13/05/2011 17:26

From his behaviour before, he's not given any sign you can trust him, so why would you?

I just couldn't live with this hanging over me.

You should try and decide whether you trust him or not, and whether you can live with the answer you come to.

If you trust him there's no need to look at any of it.

If you're wanting to look at what accounts he has online then you don't trust him.

Sounds like he's a bit of a PITA to me.

Birdsgottafly · 13/05/2011 17:27

His FB account is probably linked to his hotmail so any messages sent or posts on his wall will come up anyway. TBH i wouldn't give mt DP my FB password and i don't have anything to hide.

He may have had a flirty thing going on with her but nothing more, other people should certainly butt out. It was rude of her to ignore you, though.

Him needing that ego boost is something that comes from within, nothing to do with the quality of your relationship and he may never act on it.

Original poster
Ray81 · 13/05/2011 17:29

Agent - i love him and i dont know if a trust him or not tbh. part of me thinks he would not cheat on me another part is niggling ifswim. Dont get me wrong other then this he is a great H and father to the DDs.

I didnt look at the FB account i did just log in and out. I just cant imagine WHY he would change it so quickly it screams that he has something to hide tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ray81 · 13/05/2011 17:31

It is linked but you can tick a box that means you dont get emails evertime someone messages you, i think he has done this

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 13/05/2011 17:31

Is she getting the train because you tend to over react to stuff? I have known of work collegues that cannot speak to the single women in the workplace because of their partners possible reaction. He didn't actually cheat last time, did he?

It doesn't sound an ideal relationship for either of you.

GypsyMoth · 13/05/2011 17:32

sounds like he panicked!! and also,he feels you DONT trust him. maybe he is up to no good and feels you sense it,hence the quick password change

dizietsma · 13/05/2011 17:33

Well, given his past I would say it's very fishy.

Trust your instincts tbh.

For the record DH and I share all our passwords, it's a non-issue.

Birdsgottafly · 13/05/2011 17:34

Does he enjoy a flirt but know that it upsets you?. That may be what he is 'hiding'.

Original poster
Ray81 · 13/05/2011 17:37

I dont over react i can promise that, i NEVER said anything about being uncomfortable about him giving her a lift to work, i dont get jealous if he speaks to other women. I was abviously upset about the internet thing but he didnt cheat no it hurt to know he was speaking to women on the internet and what he would see as very attractive women too and that it went on for a yr without me knowing.

I just dont know why he would change it unless there was something to hide

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 13/05/2011 17:40

For me it's a kind of black and white distinction ray, you either trust him and don't feel the need to look or you don't trust him and wonder what he's up to.

Maybe you're right and his idea of a relationship includes things you don't want to live with? Or perhaps you're seeing things that aren't there?

Only you and him know that.

But you don't sound that happy to me.

The 1-3 people who told you about the way he is with the woman at work, do you think they were trying to tell you something but without saying it, or do you reckon they were shit stirring?

Birdsgottafly · 13/05/2011 17:43

I think you need to come to a decision on wether you trust him or not. There no 'obvious' when it comes to the internet thing because it wouldnt upset everyone. Why would he see them as 'very attractive women' and why would that make a difference to your relationship if he is trustworthy?

FaultyGoods · 13/05/2011 17:59

I would be very suspicious, particularly given his history. Why did you have to ask for his email password - was it to check up on him? If so, he is aware that you are suspicious now and changing his FB password demonstrates that. If something is going on, he may well have deleted any evidence by now.

The question is, if you ask for his FB password and there is evidence of an affair there, what will you do? If there is no evidence, again what will you do?

Either way, something has to change because you can't live your life distrusting your partner.

heliumballoons · 13/05/2011 18:13

OK, might be missing the point here but... with all the past behind you etc.... if you request him as a friend on FB then you can see his wall. Surely if he refuses.........................???

AgentZigzag · 13/05/2011 18:18

I wondered whether the OP had a fb account and why they weren't linked as well helium.

Some people don't have accounts I suppose, and I'm not linked to my DHs fb, not for any special reason but just because he uses it less than I do and I'm hardly on it.

He might be searchable without linking if his page isn't private.

Original poster
Ray81 · 13/05/2011 18:47

I had to ask for his email password because he had sent an email to DD1s school and i needed to see if he had had a response he cant access it at work and had to give it to me over the phone.

Something has crossed my mind and that is perhaps he was testing me to see if i would try and log in to see if i trust him and then qustion him about it ifswim so not sure now whether to say anything at all now. the thing is i didnt look at his account at all i just logged in and out, just wonder if it was the password i think if i didnt trust him i would have looked.

I do have fb and we are linked but he can get inbox messages and i cant see them so maybe he has that to hide

OP posts:
BingRugmole · 13/05/2011 18:58

A great philosopher once said 'If there is any doubt, then there is no doubt.'

bluepaws · 13/05/2011 19:04

but if you actually write down what he has done for certain, there is very little imo

AgentZigzag · 13/05/2011 19:09

I love that philosopher bing, he's summed up in 10 words what it took me 100 to say Grin

BelleDameSansMerci · 13/05/2011 19:15

Hmmm... I remember you posting about the lift thing before and I will have posted that you should give him the benefit of the doubt (having often been the single person unfairly suspected by the wife/partner in work situations) but, honestly, I really do think this sounds as if he is hiding something. Sorry.

TheSecondComing · 13/05/2011 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

luvviemum · 13/05/2011 19:23

He's up to something methinks. I'd be bloody uncomfortable too with my husband giving some bird I didn't know a lift to work never mind the rest of it. Not sure what to suggest apart from fronting him up or getting a pal to do a bit of digging re the woman from the office. It's a tough one and I hope you get things sorted x