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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to throttle my husband

36 replies

Minnieheehee · 13/05/2011 11:04

Both of us work full time and I have just come home early from work to yet again find his cereal bowl on the drainer and the flipping milk on the side. Whilst I happily do most house things,especially cooking etc I am now wondering if I have made a huge mistake, are husbands like puppies and need training? We've been married 3 months, and I have asked him to do more...it just never seems to happen and then I end up doing it anyway! He never ever did stuff at home and his mother thinks I am a genius to get him to clear the table after dinner. He is lovely most of the time, but this is really hacking me off- first baby due August and have visions of him saying 'yes in a minute' when I need help with baby. Tips? Advice? Expected prison sentence for GBH with a cereal bowl?

OP posts:
strandedbear · 13/05/2011 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/05/2011 11:06

3 months.....wait till you hit 13 years Shock

Men seem incapable of putting their dirty dishes in the sink/dish washer - they always end up on the side and yes it is very irritating!! Even the guys at work do it!

YANBU - but then if I am in one of "those" moods, the sound of him breathing makes me want to throttle him Grin

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 13/05/2011 11:06

Adults don't need training. Just leave said bowl on the side, and remind him when he gets in. If he realises that you won't take on the role of his mother, he'll start pulling his weight. Or he'll run out of cereal bowls. Either way, it won't be your problem.

jeckadeck · 13/05/2011 11:07

There's always the passive aggressive route of only clearing your own stuff and leaving his to fester. Personally though, I think its better to be direct if possible as these sorts of underhand statements tend to breed more resentment. You say you've asked him, but have you actually laid down the law? It doesn't sound remotely unreasonable that he be asked to clean up after himself if you both work, especially if there's a baby on the way. If you haven't already done so I'd just give him a minor bollocking about it and make it clear that its not acceptable.

ClenchedBottom · 13/05/2011 11:09

Tell him you've thrown the milk away as it's stoood out all day - and ask him when he's going to behave like a grown up, perhaps?

'Men seem incapable' - lets not get carried away with the generalisations, please.

minibmw2010 · 13/05/2011 11:11

Actually I disagree with the whole generalisation of "men seem incapable". I just don't think its true and gives them far too easy an "out" in their responsibilities. You both live there, you both work, you should both be doing your share of tidying, cleaning, etc. Clearly sounds like Mummy did a LOT for him in the past but have you made it clear to him, I mean REALLY CLEAR to him, that this is no longer on and you want a partner to share the load, not another child to add to the one you're already expecting? You may have to be slightly brutal but hopefully it'll work.

HampstersDontSwim · 13/05/2011 11:12

Men are just people and are not incapable of 'seeing mess' of tidying up after themselfe.

Point out to your DH that he needs to up his game and do more of the domestic stuff as you are pg and will soon need to do even more when your Dc arrives.

Dont enable him to be babied by you as it will lead to much resentment -NOT healthy in a marriag at all.

LadyThumb · 13/05/2011 11:56

Put the dirty bowl, on a towel, in his side of the bed. Repeat until he gets the message!

LadyThumb · 13/05/2011 11:57

Oh, and hide the milk and tell him it went off so he can't have any breakfast.

QuackQuackBoing · 13/05/2011 12:24

You've got to be tough! If you let him get away with doing nothing now it will always be like that!

chubsasaurus · 13/05/2011 12:55

Might be a man thing. My DP does all the tidying/cleaning, cooks etc, but will without fail leave glasses everywhere

twinklingfairy · 13/05/2011 13:20

Yup, I leave his stuff at the side of the sink to meet him when he gets home. Though I have to say, I have been childish about it and put it all outside, cos the sight of it was annoying me.
Talking has done nothing for my DH, he needs evidence and something to annoy him into doing it.
I no longer fold his washing, just bundle it on his lap, because I would wash it and fold it and put it on his bed only for him to put it on the floor where it would remain for up to a week!
So now he has to do it himself.
His loss.
Any washing that does not make it into the basket does not get washed either. Next to the basket, just doesn't cut it, mate.
These over indulgent mothers have a lot to answer for.

The left out milk would be a bigger deal for meAngry What a waste.

Joannezipan · 13/05/2011 13:24

Ummm if you both work full time why isn't he doing half of the household chores?

Stangirl · 13/05/2011 13:29

I told my DP in no uncertain terms that unless he pulled his full weight - I listed the things I expected him to do - I wouldn't see the point of being with him and would happily continue life as a single Mum. That made him pull his finger out and we haven't had any problems since. I was deadly serious about it y'see.

ChablisLover · 13/05/2011 13:36

YANBU - DH is the same
Plates are left at his backside and spoons are left in yoghurt pots.
Toilet rolls are left unchanged and the new one left on the floor.

It has been 8 years and still no change.

DS (4) can put his plates in the sink and can change the toilet roll when the old one is done. I decided to try and bring him up so he could do all these things so that he will make a good husband.

When I went to work, he had to get DS ready to go to child minders, Then the dishes would be left in the dining room, crumbs everywhere. Strange when he was away, I managed to get the dishes in the sink and wash them and tidy up after ourselves. He told me he couldn't do it cos there was no time!

Get him trained now before baby arrives and then train again when baby arrives. Treat it like training a puppy.

Agree with Hampster - men cannot see mess unless it is important to them. DH complains about the shelves in the kitchen being messy but the house could be falling down around him and the ironing pile is getting bigger, toilets need cleaned, hoovering needs down but he does not see it - he see a wee shelf in the kitchen

Good luck

twinklingfairy · 13/05/2011 13:43

Mine is very very good at spotting my mess, but his own is 'just' this or that.
Sounds like your DH woudl be like that about the shelf 'but I cleared that shelf!' haha

Bathrooms are self cleaning as far as my DH is concerned and the toilet roll basket, that I had to buy so that I would not be caught short, is self replenishing.
Wish I lived in that world.

MadamDeathstare · 13/05/2011 13:54

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluepaws · 13/05/2011 14:00

either leave it until he does it, or do it yourself

thems the choices

have you only lived together three months? I must say you will notice it when a baby comes along if you havent got everything sorted between you beforehand

mrshotrod · 13/05/2011 15:43

Go on Amazin and buy 'Chore Wars'. It's actually written by a bloke. A husband who saw the errors of his ways, and his hillarious. (all be it with very serious case studies. )
I book marked every other page. It was like 'Living-with-a-bloke' therapy. I always intended to make him read it (not that he would have) but in the end, it gave me ways to cope woth it and also to change the situation subtly.
Things actually got a lot better when baby came, he suddenly realised how much was done without him even noticing.
Mind you, I till want to strangle him on a weekly basis.

Hullygully · 13/05/2011 15:45

You hit him over the head with it. He'll soon learn.

Original poster
Minnieheehee · 13/05/2011 16:56

Thanks ladies. I am intending to sit him down tonight and actually talk to him. don't really want to hit him over the head with a cereal bowl - its part of our wedding china and I really like it ;)

OP posts:
Gentleness · 13/05/2011 19:28

I feel for you, YANBU but in the end, his mum has spoiled him and he needs some proper education before there'll be a change. How you do that, I have no idea, as I am only just getting dh to remember about 50% of the time to at least RINSE ds' cereal bowl before leaving for work. He says he'll do all the washing up so I don't need to worry about cemented on weetabix, but that could take 2 days and I can't cope with looking at it in a mess all that time or bear to have visitors see it.

I should maybe just be grateful that he is letting me lie in and feeding ds - and that he offers to wash up at all as I am a SAHM, but at 41wks pg I can barely reach the kitchen tap any more!

I'm looking up that book now...

ivykaty44 · 13/05/2011 19:32

You mustn't do it, that is the trick, as the more you do and take on the more of a battle you will have.

You leave the milk on the side and don't put it away, you turn a blind eye and then next time he wants milk and its on the side and turned sour then he will put it away next time. Don't say a word either... not even a look

doing these things will be a rod for your own back and ok sour milk isn't nice but one or two bottles is best, as a life time of nagging is the pits Wink

QuackQuackBoing · 14/05/2011 09:05

I agree with ivykaty44, he has to learn the hard way. It can be hard letting mess pile up but if you constantly clean up he will never feel the need to.

Reality · 14/05/2011 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.