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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel slightly strange that today is the day my ex is getting married...

28 replies

bananasinpyjamas · 12/05/2011 10:33

Neither me or my (and his) son are supposed to know. The rest of his family are going. Only 8 months since we split and we'd been together 13 years.

OP posts:
BertieBasset · 12/05/2011 10:36

Just thank your lucky stars you're not the bride!! Any man that would not invite his own son to his wedding is a scummer.

And don't even get me started on the tight timeline, or probable rebound nature of the union.

speakercorner · 12/05/2011 10:37

Ah, that's hard. And how awful that he hasn't told your son - why on earth not. I doubt you will get anyone telling you that you are BU.

You should give yourself the space to grieve today. And get ready to support your boy.

flossymuldoon · 12/05/2011 10:38

Nope, you aren't been ureasonable. When my ex got married again i was already married but i still felt very strange. I got married again a year to the day that me and ex split. I'm sure my ex felt slightly strange on that day too(even though he never would have admitted it).

I can't understand why he doesn't want you or his son to know though Confused. That would most certainly make me feel even more strange. That shouts to me that he is maybe not convinced by his decision??

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 10:39

No, YANBU. Why didn't he invite your DS? :(

flimflammery · 12/05/2011 10:41

8 months! pity her - the shine will soon wear off

Of course you're going to feel strange (if not upset) - treat yourself to something nice today if possible. Get a pedicure or rent a chic flic DVD that you wouldn't have been able to watch if he was hogging the remote.

Jaspants · 12/05/2011 10:42

Go gentle on yourself today - 8 months - its bound to still feel raw.

But what sort of man doesn't want to invite his own child to his wedding.

OliPolly · 12/05/2011 10:42

I am more Sad at why he didn't invite his son - is there more to this than you have let on. YANBU in this case.

YABU to think 8 months is too soon. He is not with you anymore so what he does has nothing to do with you really. There is no time limit to move on.

flimflammery · 12/05/2011 10:47

It's true there's no time limit to moving on - but 8 months does sound as if he was 'moving on' before they even split up.

chicletteeth · 12/05/2011 10:49

Why is DS not invited? That's sad!

It's got nothing to do with you I'm afraid, he's moved on and that's that!

But YANBU for feeling Confused about it

OliPolly · 12/05/2011 10:54

Oh come on flim lets not get paranoid. It's very possible to meet and marry someone within 8 months! I should know, I married my DH after dating for 5 months - 9 years later, we are still together!

I think the issue is more about not inviting his son or keeping it a secret than him moving on with his life.

HubbaHubbaBubba · 12/05/2011 11:08

poor you OP and your poor son (does he know? how does he feel?)

I agree with another poster who says go and treat yourselves for the day, make it special for you both (even if your DS doesn't know).

Wamster · 12/05/2011 11:16

Good grief! 8 months you've been apart and he's getting married! yanbu. It would be strange if you did NOT feel strange!!

Northeastgirl · 12/05/2011 11:21

Ouch poor you. I think 8 months sounds rather quick. If it's any help, it does seem to me that men do sometimes move on quicker than women. I notice this with my parents' friends. If the wife dies, the husband often seems to re-marry relatively quickly, but if the husband dies, the wife is likely to stay on her own for longer. My M&D reckon this isn't anything to do with caring less, but just men being more pragmatic and therefore quicker to move on.

The secrecy and excluding your son is bad. However I would really recommend that you try to avoid criticising your ex too much when talking with your son. You can give your son lots of reassurance and sympathy without badmouthing your ex. In the long run, this will put you in the higher moral high ground.

weareallchangingnamesforthis · 12/05/2011 11:30

i recommend chocolate cake with wipped cream, and something nice, your choice, to help it down,... much nicer if somebody else prepares it for you... maybe some nice activity out of the house for you and your son.... depending on budget, could be a nice picnic in the park if needed be...

and what northeastgirl said.... and don't be hard on yourself...

nijinsky · 12/05/2011 11:36

8 months! No wonder you feel strange but ironically it will probably help you move on quicker. Bad enough his son not being invited, but not being meant to know - now thats disturbingly secretive!

Original poster
bananasinpyjamas · 12/05/2011 14:09

Thank you for all your posts. Things are complicated, my ds is autistic and currently having chemo treatment. All the more reason I think to make sure he is included. Esp as his other 2 children (before me) are going.
I agree he has nothing to do with me anymore but I think it is very soon to commit so strongly to someone else. Is a bit like the 13 years we had were a complete waste of time and therefore its like a kick in the teeth. Had being the operative word.
In a funny way it has helped me move on. Things are very well defined now and his cries of wanting to see and include my ds more in his life are obviously a load of bull.
Being very careful with my ds. Am not being negative in any way in front of him. Ds does not know so doesn't need to hear it from me especially at the moment.
Will see if I am told in the next few days/ weeks that my son has a new step mum.

OP posts:
MarioandLuigi · 12/05/2011 14:15

He sounds like a nobber and you are well shot of him.

YANBU. I hope you and your DS are okay.

dexifehatz · 12/05/2011 17:11

Your ex had 2 other kids before he met you and he has one with you.Other kids invited and autistic son not.I have a horrible feeling that he is embarassed about your son.Your ex is a cunt and you are well rid.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 12/05/2011 17:27

What a total and utter nob.

I am sorry your DS is having chemo. I hope tolerates it ok.

ReindeerBollocks · 12/05/2011 17:31

At least your son has you to rely on.

I second all those who say he's a nobber and you can do much better (either on your own or with someone who deserves you).

Would it be wrong to start taking bets on how long his marriage will last? [evil grin emotion]

thefirstMrsDeVere · 12/05/2011 20:14

reindeer how is your DS? I hope I am not wrong but it was you that asked about needle phobia wasnt it? (v.soz if I remember wrongly). I am back at work now so could do a bit of research if it would help.

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 20:16

bananas I have to say you sound bloody lovely - calm but understandably sad.

He sounds like an insensitive twat and you are far too good for him

I hope your son's treatment goes well and I wish you all the very very best xx

ReindeerBollocks · 12/05/2011 20:19

Yes t'was me, MrsDeVere he is ok-ish, still had a few sets of needles since we last spoke, he can deal with it rationally some times and then completely loses the plot at other times. He can't predict when he will do this and unfortunately, neither can we. Any help you have would be very much appreciated but I understand that you are probably very busy as it is!

Sorry for hijack, Bananas, hope you have had a nice da with your DS.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 12/05/2011 20:28

Yes sorry op Blush

I might be able to pick up some tips from various sources (we all share a huge office). From what I can recall you do sound as if you are doing all you can and your DS sounds pretty amazing.

But if I come across anything I will deffo pass it on. Smile

scottishmummy · 12/05/2011 20:30

yes,thats hard.such a small gap between partners.an his son not attend
be cool,calm,aloof and just dont comment -best way