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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I right or just being a bit over cautious?

27 replies

sparkleshine · 12/05/2011 10:29

EXP and I split up 2 months ago and I suspected that the female 'friend' he had been confiding his feelings with for months was more than just a friend.

Anyway, he picked DS up yesterday and informed me that he had been with this woman for 8 weeks (suspect day after I finally left the house). Thought it was about time I knew. Couldn't look me in the eye when he said it though.

I asked if DS had met her and he said yes, just once. Well I went mad and said I thought it was far too early in the relationship for this, that I hadn't even met the woman who was going to be spending time with my child, that this relationship he was in could end any time and it would just confuse DS as he gets older if he goes from woman to woman.

He said that if she was such a bad person he wouldn't be with her, and he 'knew' her and thought she should meet DS as she was his girlfriend. He said that he was in it long-term. (well tbh I thought after 10 years we would be in in long term!) Then said he had already met and spent time with her daughter. Well thats up to her what she does with her child. But I don't want that for my son yet.

I'm not sure if my outburst was due to jealousy or hurt or anger, or all of it.

Our arrangemets for access are pretty flexible at the moment. He will usually have him maybe 1/2 nights a week and a day at weekend.

AIBU to insist when he has DS, he has him alone, at least for a while yet? Surely it won't take time out from having time with his new squeeze?

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 12/05/2011 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2011 10:31

you can ask him,but he's under no obligation to listen to you unfortuately

gkys · 12/05/2011 10:34

its very soon to indroduce a new dp, I have to say I wouldn't be happy, but not really sure what you can do about it.

bluepaws · 12/05/2011 10:38

how old is son

Original poster

sparkleshine · 12/05/2011 10:40

17 months

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 12/05/2011 10:52

will you be introducing your ex to any furture bf's and asking his permission to let your ds meet them?

Original poster

sparkleshine · 12/05/2011 11:00

I think I would wait myself for DS to meet any new partner of mine. I wouldn't rush into it and would be cautious to let any new man into my DS life without thinking about it for a long while. I think it's an inportant decsion to make and not one you rush into.
I would discuss it with exp yes.

OP posts:

lesley33 · 12/05/2011 11:42

I think it is important not to rush children. But your DS is so young, I really don't see any problem with him meeting or spending time with your exes girlfriend.

VinegarTits · 12/05/2011 12:01

i think you blew up because you are jealous and hurt, but i cant balme you for that

bluepaws · 12/05/2011 12:08

if he is introducing her as a casual friend, no probs

if he is saying this is your new mummy, i would be a tad miffed :)

Al1son · 12/05/2011 12:09

I think you need to take some time to work out which emotions are about your son and which are about your own feelings for your EXP.

I agree that it would be better in the long term for him to ensure that a relationship is very well established before making a new partner a big part of your DS's life. However you will need to accept that he may not share this view and can pretty do what he likes.

I don't think that at 17 months he will have any concept of this new relationship so while he's you it's doing him no harm. That said I wouldn't like to think of lots of girls flitting in and out of his life, especially if he spends a lot of time with them and is likely to build attachments.

I have a feeling that some of your emotions about the new GF are more about your feelings than your DS's. That's perfectly understandable but I think you need to make yourself aware of that. You don't want to ruin what sounds like an amicable contact arrangement because you let your emotions cloud your judgement and cause you to become less reasonable.

He's clearly jumped into this new relationship very quickly and that must hurt because it reflects on the time you had together. Try to rise above this and put your DS centre stage. It's his need for cooperative parenting which really matters so try to put the rest behind you and move on to find a new partner who deserves you better.

Tuggy · 12/05/2011 12:13

At 17 months I don't think its a big deal at all. The child is too young to get the concept of 'dating'

TBH I think your (understandable) feelings of hurt/jealousy are getting in the way or your reason.

QuackQuackBoing · 12/05/2011 12:29

I wouldn't be happy with that either, it's too soon. If they have only been dating 8 weeks (which sounds unlikely though) then he can't possibly know her well enough for her to be trusted around his child. She could be a lunatic or just a really bad influence. It takes a long time to find that out about someone.

sue52 · 12/05/2011 13:14

He is being very unreasonable to bring this person to your attention when the split up is very new and raw. It would have been better for him to have waited for the dust to have settled before introducing this woman to your child. Your ex sounds devoid of sensitivity.

bustersmummy · 12/05/2011 13:23

You can certainly ask, but unfortunately if you deem that this man is a fit and proper person to care for your child unsupervised then it is entirely up to him where he goes, and what he does when he has your child. And who he does it with.

Which also applies to you.

I really really feel for you, but he can do what he likes.

(Really not being unsympathetic but legally you can't ask for this level of control)

saffy85 · 12/05/2011 14:07

YANBU imo it's far too early for all this. He may or may or may not listen to you. I have a hunch though the angrier you get at your ex, the more he'll do the opposite to what you want. My dad used to bait my mum loads about stuff like this, to get a rise out of her (nearly always worked, she should have known better after a while) so he could twist the situation round, making sure he came out looking reasonable and she looked totally mad/jealous/whatever. Please try to act as reasonable and saintly as possible even if you want to kill him at times. You'll feel better afterwards knowing he didn't get a rise out of you.

Also even if you are jealous/hurt/angry- so what? You've been split up a couple of months and the person you were with and had a child with has not only moved on already but has a girlfriend who is serious enough to introduce to his DC. I'd be upset too. I'm sure most people would be.

QuackQuackBoing · 12/05/2011 14:12

This must really hurt OP.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 12/05/2011 14:16

I would feel exactly the same as you OP. I don't think you can stop your ex being an irresponsible fuckwit, though. Try and get your head around it and stay civil because in the long term you'll be glad that you did. And I'm so sorry that you're hurting :(

bustersmummy · 12/05/2011 14:17

BTW OP I don't think you're being UR, I'm sure it hurts, but I just wanted to tell you the legal situation.

Unfortunately you have no legal right to meet his new partner/girlfriend/whatever before he introduces her to your DS.

Having said that, if the boot was on the other foot and you had fallen head over heels in love with another bloke, would you be happy if your ex started to say

"Well, you can't have him to meet DS until I vet him and decide if I approve or not"

"You can't go to xyz with your new DP because I don't like it"

Cuts both ways.

Original poster

sparkleshine · 12/05/2011 18:37

Thanks for all your replies and support. It's appreciated
It is still quite raw at the moment obviously, though not really sure what or how I feel about him. I think the deep love for each other went a long time ago, though I do feel something iykwim, I must do to feel hurt. I've done my fair share of crying. It was very sudden and unexpected.

It is probably part shock and hurt alongside the anger. It just seems so heartless and insensitive, especially as the split seems to have not affected him.
I know DS is still young and doesn't understand much right now, but it's the fact that he is spending time with someone I don't know about, and this woman could well be permanent, but also not. I know legally I have no say, but is it fair for DS to get to know someone then be out of his life just like that. Shouldn't he at least try to respect my wishes for a while?

Sorry I'm probably not making any sense or putting it the right way.

OP posts:

northernrock · 12/05/2011 18:51

YANBU. I would go mental if my Ex P brought someone into my childs life and I hadn't met them. Fuck that.
Sorry you feel so rubbish. It will pass though. Sit your ex down and try and have a civil talk with him about it. Explain you feel hurt, and worried. All you can do is try and explain.
Also, I would ask to meet this woman if your ds is going to be spending a lot of time with her. And if you do, you have to try and be nice!

usualsuspect · 12/05/2011 18:55

what a thoughtless pair of dicks your ex and his new gf are
No wonder you are hurt and angry

Original poster

sparkleshine · 12/05/2011 20:02

Of course I would be nice northenrock...I'm always nice. :)
Maybe I need to enjoy my singledom and live on the wild side....

OP posts:

northernrock · 12/05/2011 20:04

Do it! Find a hunky young man and have some fun for yourself!

bustersmummy · 12/05/2011 20:14

I can highly recommend a toy boy

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