to think that ds is just being a typical 5 year old boy?

[bouncingblueberries]

dh and I keep having heated discussions about this. He reckons I'll still be making excuses for ds when he's 40, jobless, penniless and has no future

So please, tell me if I'm wrong but I really, truly believe all (ok most) 5 year old boys are like my ds in that they:

• have loads of energy
• get overexcited. Lots.
• like to 'kill' stuff (usually teddies, we've not progressed to slugs/snails...yet)
• rarely focus on one activity for more than 10 minutes (sometimes 5)
• get distracted easily
• having selective hearing
• have discovered how fun it is to be cheeky and talk back
• run everywhere
• do everything at 60 mph

dh seriously thinks ds is verging on some sort of behavioural issue. It doesn't help that ds has decided he hates school this week (but I think that has more to do with me going back to work after maternity leave - see, more excuses as dh would say!)

Is ds an average 5 year old boy? Or aibu?

I have to go out....sorry.

I will check in later .

Re the schools concerns, does he have an IEP? If not ask them for one, my middle child had problems with fine motor skills and it really really affected her in Reception as she struggled with even holding a pen - it was simply because she is VERY outdoorsy and had never really done lego/puzzles/beads etc but always on her bike, in the garden etc. Within a few months she was spot on as the IEP outlined the problem and they gave me pointers as to how we could help at home

MMeLindt He'll play trains happily on his own for quite some time, same with lego. (lego with dh different story - ocd comes into play too much!). It's more the selective hearing at home I think that drives dh potty. And taking 30 minutes just to get dressed in the morning because he gets distracted half way through and decides to build the death star half naked.

Thanks so much for your replies.

What is an IEP???

I need to do some work now but will check back later. Thank you everyone - it's a relief to know that both ds AND dh are 'normal'

oh, that sounds like my DS. I have often found him half naked playing with lego.

We have a strict morning routine rule. Up, washed, dressed, breakfast - then IF there is time, and everything is ready for school and breakfast dishes put in the kitchen - then he can play till it is time to go.

No toys until this is done. It took a couple of days of nagging gentle persuasion but now he does this pretty much independently. He is 6yo.

Sounds normal...except for the killing stuff.

Sounds pretty standard boy 5 behavior to me ...

I'd take more notice of the school concerns as they have a much wider experience of kid-type-behaviors than your DH ( unless he's a teacher or a child shrink or something ) Ask his teacher for a chat, and maybe talk to some of the other Mums to see if the school's expectations are a bit over the top. In general 5 year olds don't focus well on stuff that bores them.

That said, my eldest DS was flagged up by his school in year 1 as being a bit odd because he used to take himself off out of lessons and play with the reception class Lego instead, and traipsed around various specialists for years with no conclusions other than that he was something of a non-conformist with an unexpectedly dry sense of humour! He's 12 now and still the same but no-one seems to mind anymore :)

Ha Ha, I could have written this thread! My DS is 6 & still the same, concentration fantastic for doing things he wants to do but none for reading school books etc. It will come, I'm sure. Some boys, not all, just take a bit longer to settle into calming down for school.

Also very similar in clash between DH & DS, DS very like me & I can 'see' DP 'winding him up' at times, DP does see what I mean when I point it out though.

As others have said, its important to take school concerns seriously but, if most of the other boys are the same, then probably not huge issue. Chat with teacher probably good idea.

I am very hopeful & reassure lots of my friends with 'boisterous boys' when I look at my friends DS, very difficult & headstrong at 4/5/6, now at 18 working as assistant to MP in hols/year out & studying Law at uni.

Bouncingblueberries,
You sound like me 24 months ago (ds1 has just turned 7)
I KNEW ds1 was ok but dh had no experience of other 5 year old boys and DS1's behaviour frightened him.

About 18 months ago DS1 joined the school under 6's football team and DH's role was taking him and supporting him. It started to open DH's eyes that although DS1 was a monkey THEYALL ARE!!

Then 12months ago we had an option for DS1 to go to beavers but only if one of us was prepared to be a helper, I pushed DH to do it.
It has totally changed their relationship. Not because DS1 has morphed into a perfect child, but because DH has seen the spread of behaviour that you get in boy's DS1's age and you know what DS1 is better behaved than a good proportion of them.

It has changed to the point that the day before DS1's birthday party last month, DS1 was being a total nightmare and I started to loose my temper, DH pulled me to one side and pointed out that DS1 was probably very nervous about all his friends coming for his party and we should cut him some slack WTF!! it is usually me having that conversation with him!!!!!!!

I think it must be really hard for parents that don't get to experience children of a similar age with things like playing together and school gates and parties etc, how do you know what is average behaviour or something that needs support?

Sorry for the essay but I just wanted to share, if there is something that your DH and your DS could do together with other children around then your DH could get a measure of things.

Good luck!!

I've got 3 DS's and to me you boy sounds fairly average.

That said the lack of focus thing is something two of my boys suffer from...they both have a type of dyslexia which means their memory shelf is too short.

This means, if I give them a list of tasks - clean teeth, make bed, get dressed - they will remember to clean their teeth and maybe make their bed...but forget to get dressed! If I ask them they are convinced I never told them to get dressed! They aren't just 'trying it on' either...they have been tested and diagnosed...they really do have no idea I asked them to get dressed. The getting dressed request dropped of their memory shelf into never said land!

So, my advice would be just keep an eye on your son in case the lack of focus is perhaps something more that just being too eager and excited to do lots of things at once.

Sounds very normal for 5 & first year in school ....including the killing stuff. DM taught DS to kill ants on the path cos she didn't want them in the house. I remember being horrified by accountant friend who told me he & his friends used to insert straws in frogs & blow until they exploded urghh.

He managed to avoid the drawing / making table in reception for the whole year according to the teacher - was always outside in mud with TA. I find DS gets more uncontrollable slightly worse when tired so am strict about early bedtimes.

Oh lots of good advice on here. Excellent point bythepowerofgreyskull about getting dh involved.

My dh used to endlessly expect me to act like an interpreter between him and ds2. Then dh started taking him out every Saturday to rugby and shopping.
Dh is ds2s first choice now.

Good luck bouncing .

Are the problems with your DH about this because of your DS's behaviour or partly because of how you deal with them?

I have three boys and do agree that most of the behaviours are pretty normal, but that doesn't mean they should just be accepted and the child not encouraged/told to do otherwise.

I would also listen to the school and take their concernes seriously. My DS2 has difficulties concentrating at school (and sometimes at home and he can be very forgetful) although he is in now way disruptive. I have been asking themf or years if he may have some sort of SN. They have always dismissed my concerns until quite recently and finally he has been referred to an Educational Psychologist. He's now 10. So if they are willing to listen and sort out an IEP (Individual education plan) then you have nothing to lose by going ahead.

I think you have had some good advice on this thread, OP. Your ds's behaviour does sound pretty standard for a boy his age (as I try to cast my mind back to when my teenagers were that age), but what matters is how you deal with it - because whilst these behaviours are normal in a five year old boy, they'd be less acceptable if he was still doing them when he reaches ten. It will be a combination of him growing up and changing, and you and the school etc helping him learn the behaviours you want to encourage.

As another poster has said - have a strict routine for the mornings, and reward him for getting dressed in a timely fashion. Talk to the school about ways to encourage your ds to keep 'on task' at home, to reinforce what the school should be doing to encourage this at school. Make sure he gets enough physical activity, to burn off some of that energy - I used to make sure I got to school well before the bell, so that the boys could have a good run around in the playground before they had to go into class, so hopefully they'd be less likely to fidget.

thats what five yo do,

I think I just found it a bit strange that in reception they're given such a free choice but that his teacher expected him to be more focused and only choose 1 activity. But when he arrives in the classroom in the morning I can see he's so excited about all the different options he just doesn't know what to do first.

I think that's strange too. They should have a number of activities set up. Put the children in groups and move them round after 30 minutes or so. Or have 30 minutes each day and rotate over the week. That way each child knows they will get to do their favourite at some point.

TBH, killing teddies doesn't sound normal to me.

On the 'killing stuff' my DS 7yr old friend has taught him to scoot over any insects they find in path while shouting 'die! die!' lovely! Am trying to limit contact but its not easy!

Just to add what can appear to be 'selective hearing' can be an information processing problem. I think that you need to keep an open mind. You are right to not yet discipline him until you know more. The school should ask for an assessment.

I wouldn't dismiss the school's concerns, but you know your son best. Being slightly cynical here, it could be that the school is looking for ways to cover its own back by finding problems and articulating them back to you, putting the ball back in your court. I have a friend who has a DS exactly like yours - very boisterous, naughty (I'm not saying yours is, btw,), always in trouble in school, mum at wits' end. He's 9 now, and guess what? Nothing's changed, except he's older and bigger! He's a handful, admittedly, but in all other respects a delightful boy. He's playing to his strengths now, is brilliant at sport, and has no developmental problems.

Sorry, but I sometimes feel we are too prescriptive about our DCs' behaviour and are too quick to fall for the "naughty child" label. Schools follow suit, and suddenly you have a "problem" child on your hands who may not be a problem at all!!

Go with your instincts and those of people whose opinions are valuable to you - and try to remember he's only 5!

Teachers have raised the issue of attention with both my boys. I've learned to ask straight away whether they're unusually bad for a boy of that age, or outside of the normal range. The reply always come back as no! I always think to my self whats the point of making such a deal about it then, but I suppose they're just telling me what they're working on.

How does he act in after school activities - swim lessons, football practice whatever?

If your DS is the only one week in week out not following instructions and not participating then that would concern me.

Could school be trying to get them to be more focussed as they get ready for year one and it is becoming more apparent that your DS has concerns in this area and may tie in with him suddenly disliking school if he is being asked to do more sitting and writing etc.

My DD is in reception and they are getting them ready for yr 1.

My DD is 5 and the opposite of your DS's description - so feel free to take with a pinch of salt!

Got three DSs and this seems all fine apart from the killing stuff I think.
What's that about?

My DS1 doesn't tread on ants and asks me to save spiders; he's 6

Where has he learned about killing? Cbeebies doesn't have that sort of programme. Has he seen Star Wars?

Sounds like my DS and the school have indicated there 'may' be a problem (for now we are keeping an eye on things) Thing is I am in no doubt that I have ADHD myself (as does my dad) so am expecting that to be the eventual diagnosis

mmelindt thank you - that's a good idea about the strict morning routine. We thought we'd cracked it when we discovered cbeebies radio on BBC radio 7. it was great for keeping him focused on getting dressed (no radio until your school uniform is on). But it's been dropped from the schedule . Never thought about doing the same with lego. Doh!

ByThePowerOfGreyskull I agree, I think dh and ds do need an activity together. dh used to take ds swimming on a Saturday morning then on to the market to buy fruit. But we swapped Saturday morning roles and dh now takes ds2 so that he can load up the buggy with fruit. Maybe I need to find them something else to do together...

As for the killing stuff some of you seem to be concerned about (and freaking me out about) this has definitely come from school, or more specifically, playing Star Wars at school. Think I might have over-egged the killing stuff. It's not every day, or every game he plays. But has definitely become part of games now, whereas at 4, he had no idea about that sort of thing.

fedupandfifty I totally agree - it's too easy to label a child as naughty and I get annoyed with dh when he does this. But more often than not, ds is 'naughty' when we don't give him something to channel his energy into. If we give him something constructive to do, he's fine. That's what I keep saying to dh "He's only 5!"

He's definitely one of those boys that needs regular exercise or he goes a bit bonkers. Trouble is, he's still so exhausted from school sometimes that I don't want to overload him with extra activities. He does go to Beavers though but comes home practically asleep on his feet.

Thank you everyone. I think I will speak to his teacher and do what soups did and ask if his attention span/focus is within the normal range. It's a new teacher this term so I'm hoping she's had a chance to observe him (old teacher went on maternity leave).

As I said previously, I don't want to dismiss dh but I do feel that his expectations of a 5 year old boy are a bit high sometimes. Probably because his experience of other 5 year old boys is limited (like you said ByThePowerOfGreyskull) and the whole personality clash thing. I really need to help them find a way to improve their relationship, then there might be less conflict between them!