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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish DP wouldn't keep on at me about owing him money?

81 replies

atomic1981 · 12/05/2011 07:42

We live seperately so finances are completely seperate. At the moment I am not working, he works full time. A few weeks ago he text me and asked me what size shoe I am, I told him so he text back saying "Ok, found some great walking boots for you, I'm buying you them". I thought "How sweet" until later he reminded me that I owed him the money for the boots.

He then asked me if I wanted to go and see two gigs. I agreed originally but it turns out I can't make the first one. He's already bought the tickets so I asked him to ask around and see if anyone else will go with him to save me paying for a ticket I can't use. He said he would but he's asked nobody and keeps reminding me that I owe him for the ticket.

And then he asked me IF i wanted to go and see a "big" band in November. I said yes but not to book the tickets until a) I had the money and b) I knew I could definately make it so he started nagging at me, saying they'd sell out etc I eventually caved and told him to buy the tickets so now I owe him £20 for that.

I'm sick of constantly owing him money, he doesn't seem to care that I'm struggling.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 12/05/2011 16:38

Punkatheart sorry didn't mean your dp's dong. Meant OP's dp's dong Grin Am sure your dp has a lovely one too though Blush Wink

skybluepearl · 12/05/2011 16:48

i think you have to give him the recipt and the boots back. from now on tell him you can't afford it and he should go with a mate.

Punkatheart · 12/05/2011 17:27

Two dongs don't make a right, Curious. Grin

rogersmellyonthetelly · 12/05/2011 17:40

I think OP must be going out with my ex. And this is why he is my ex. had a strict shopping budget, and once put ketchup back on the shelf because it took him 4p over budget. we had to eat chips without ketchup (traumatic!) for a week until next shopping trip. after 3 months of living with that, I moved back to my parents. best move I ever bloody made.

nickelbabe · 12/05/2011 17:46

I agree that he needs to stop doing this.

If he says he is buying something for you, then he is telling you that he is giving you a gift - that's how the english language works.

If he then tells you you owe him money for it, he has basically not done what he said.

Ig he intends you to pay from the beginning then he should word it like "Do you want me to get these for you and pay me back later?"
or in case of the gig "Do you want to go to this gig? we'll pay for our own tickets"

I would tell him that you don't owe him any money, and if he disagrees, then return the boots, and sell on the ticket.
The fact that you asked him to get rid of your ticket so that you wouldn't have to pay for it and he didn't bother, means that you have every right to make him pay for it himself.

If he tries anything like it again, tell him to fuck off, and that you will make your own buying decisions - if he wants to buy stuff for you, then he had beeter pay for them too.

he's a twat, by the way.

springpiece · 12/05/2011 17:54

Only read the first page so not sure if it's been mentioned but surely if the OP's DP was buying her stuff and not asking for the money back she would have her benefits cut (if she is claiming any) - in fact I'm not sure how she would stand if it is an indefinite loan. Apologies for not reading if OP has already said she isn't in receipt of benefits.
As for whether he's being unreasonable - if it's very early days I would say no but otherwise yes.

2rebecca · 12/05/2011 17:56

Would you feel the same if a female friend had asked the OP if she wanted to go to a concert, the OP said yes and then changed her mind and wouldn't pay for the ticket and expected her friend to have the hassle of trying to sell the ticket?
I feel that if the agreement between them is that they each pay their own way then the fact that he is male and her boyfriend is irrelevent.
I agree that in future she should just buy her own tickets and if he wants to go to a concert tell him to get himself a ticket and she'll decide if she wants to go later. If seated tickets may mean they end up sitting apart though.

zikes · 12/05/2011 17:57

I think one can safely buy a pair of boots and a gig ticket for a lover if they are on benefits without having their benefits cut Grin.

spidookly · 12/05/2011 17:57

You can't buy something for someone and then insist they pay you back for it.

Those boots were a gift. Tell him you don't own him a penny for them.

The tickets are different - you do owe him for the first set and it's up to you to find someone else to go if you can't make it. The second set you shouldn't have agreed to buying the tickets if you couldn't afford them, but you did.

He does sound like a git.

squeakytoy · 12/05/2011 17:59

Only read the first page so not sure if it's been mentioned but surely if the OP's DP was buying her stuff and not asking for the money back she would have her benefits cut (if she is claiming any) - in fact I'm not sure how she would stand if it is an indefinite loan.

Since when have presents like a pair of boots or concert tickets had any effect on your benefits??? Confused

springpiece · 12/05/2011 18:07

I think if the DP was regularly contributing to living expenses like clothing it would be considered that they had shared finances (obviously not a one off gift).

springpiece · 12/05/2011 18:08

I got the impression that the OP was saying this was a regular thing - not just the examples mentioned.

StayFr0sty · 12/05/2011 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 12/05/2011 18:13

It is not earnings though, so can not be classed as income.

springpiece · 12/05/2011 18:30

I always thought it counted if the partner was contributing to the household expenses - food, nappies etc and I thought clothes would come under that. Obviously if bought on a regular basis.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2011 18:39

'I always thought it counted if the partner was contributing to the household expenses - food, nappies etc and I thought clothes would come under that. Obviously if bought on a regular basis.'

No, it doesn't. It is not income.

springpiece · 12/05/2011 19:12

So a couple could live separately and the partner could buy all the food, pay the bills, buy clothes and everything for the kids and you could claim benefits as a single person?

expatinscotland · 12/05/2011 19:17

Well, yes. Maintenance is not counted in the calculation of benefits.

Inertia · 12/05/2011 19:20

I'd give him the boots and the tickets back and tell him to shove them that you cannot afford them. And just tell him the same thing every time he wants to buy something / go out- "Sorry, I can't afford that".

nickelbabe · 13/05/2011 11:53

2Rebecca - if it were a friend who wasn't her partner, they would have discussed the fact that they would each pay for their own ticket.

If my partner/BF/DH suggested going for a concert, I would assume he was paying unless he said otherwise.
That's one of those unwritten rules, i suppose.

nickelbabe · 13/05/2011 11:56

besides which, on that issue, he was asked to try to get rid of the ticket, and then he didn't make an effort to do so - a non-partner friend would have either tried, or told the OP that it was her own responsibility.
the fact that he agreed to try to get rid of it, means that he should have tried.
not gone "oh, i couldn't be arsed to do anything and now it's too late, so you owe me money"

I wouldn't expect that from anyone.
upfront or take the consequences yourself.

2rebecca · 13/05/2011 11:59

The OP does seem to make it clear in her first post that she expected to pay for both tickets though and that they have separate finances. If I didn't have a joint account with someone I would always assume I was paying my way unless they said they were paying for me. I would never assume a man was paying for stuff for me if they asked me if I wanted to go to something and find this a very outdated concept.
He did make the boots sound like a present though and I find it odd he was looking at womens boots in the first place if not to buy a present.

BibiBlocksberg · 13/05/2011 14:05

"dump the gnat's sphincter twunt"

Added to list of insults learned on MN :)

atomic - I used to live with someone as tight as a gnats arse round a cartwheel (more gnats :)) and it's just horrible.

He was more than happy for me to spend my money on him though.

Horrible twuntish behaviour, agree with those who say get of him.

MrSpoc · 13/05/2011 14:12

Interesting thread.

Op honestly your BF/Partner is a big bellend. How long have you been together? If it is recent then I can understand some of it but if you have been together for years then get rid.

The boots were clearly a present.

The tickets unfortunatly you did discuss it before and agreed. Even if he pushed you, you still should of said no. You own him the money or it is your responsibility to try and sell the ticket on. But as a good boyfriend who new you could not afford it should of bought them as a gift if he really wanted you to go with him.

Also gifts, food, holidays by a BF/Partner does not affect your benefits but you may have just found an interesting loop-hole.

Sexism - I dont agree with this as clearly the Op's partner is a cock.

expatinscotland · 13/05/2011 14:15

2rebecca is the boyfriend's sister Wink.

Have you dumped him yet, atomic?

You don't owe him FA.