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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish DP wouldn't keep on at me about owing him money?

81 replies

atomic1981 · 12/05/2011 07:42

We live seperately so finances are completely seperate. At the moment I am not working, he works full time. A few weeks ago he text me and asked me what size shoe I am, I told him so he text back saying "Ok, found some great walking boots for you, I'm buying you them". I thought "How sweet" until later he reminded me that I owed him the money for the boots.

He then asked me if I wanted to go and see two gigs. I agreed originally but it turns out I can't make the first one. He's already bought the tickets so I asked him to ask around and see if anyone else will go with him to save me paying for a ticket I can't use. He said he would but he's asked nobody and keeps reminding me that I owe him for the ticket.

And then he asked me IF i wanted to go and see a "big" band in November. I said yes but not to book the tickets until a) I had the money and b) I knew I could definately make it so he started nagging at me, saying they'd sell out etc I eventually caved and told him to buy the tickets so now I owe him £20 for that.

I'm sick of constantly owing him money, he doesn't seem to care that I'm struggling.

AIBU?

OP posts:
jeckadeck · 12/05/2011 08:26

he does sound very petty. Also sounds like you need to put your foot down more and make it clear that if he wants you to go to these things he will have to pay. Its not reasonable to nag you about them and then expect you to cough up for things you can't afford. He should either pay with good grace or let it go.

Animation · 12/05/2011 08:31

Very odd behaviour.

Keeps asking for the money back for things HE'S suggested buying you.

Curiousmama · 12/05/2011 08:31

Grin @ punkatheart

Unless he has the biggest dong known to man dump the gnat's sphincter twunt.

Bogeyface · 12/05/2011 08:35

Practice saying "Oh that would be lovely, but you'll have to treat me as you know that I am a bit skint atm!" and dont get into a discussion about it.

Or better still, give him the boots back and have a serious think about whether you want to spend your life with someone who seems to have no understanding or consideration about your situation.

On one hand, if you promise to pay someone for something then they arent U for wanting that money, but this isnt about that as far as I can see. Its about him spending your money for you without caring that you are in a vastly different financial situation from him just because he wants to do things. That is selfish and would be a deal breaker for me.

Animation · 12/05/2011 08:38

Yes, he's spending your money for you.

zikes · 12/05/2011 08:43

Take the boots back, sell your ticket on yourself and in future say what bogeyface suggested: "Oh that would be lovely, but you'll have to treat me as you know that I am a bit skint atm!"

He does sound tight, so I hope he's generous in affection/time/energy/in bed etc, if you're keeping him.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/05/2011 08:52

From what you say in your OP, wrt the boots it sounded like he was buying you a present. Agree that he seems very free with spending your money for you!

Meanness is a horrible trait in a person and I wouldn't be able to see past it to his more attractive qualities (if he has any). I'd be lying in bed and examples of his tight fistedness would pop into my mind at inopportune moments.

Imagine the future, if you were married and on maternity leave, or made redundant and had no income. Can you imagine how awful he'd be to live with under these circumstances?

Get rid OP. You can do much better.

Punkatheart · 12/05/2011 14:10

Curious....this is an ex with the mean tendencies. Thank God. If I asked my current DP for money, he would say 'How much do you need?'

Dong? Don't know what you mean. Shock Wink But ex was very beautiful. He also wore leather trousers.

WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!

2rebecca · 12/05/2011 14:19

Buying someone else walking boots is bizarre as they have to fit. If he didn't say "there is a pair of boots here that may fit you for £x do you want to buy them?" I'd think he was mean and odd.
If you asked him to get you a ticket for the 2 gigs though then you should pay for it. It's not his fault you've changed your priorities. If you had bought the ticket you would have had to pay so why should it be different if he bought them if he clarified you pay for your own tickets at the start.
If you don't want him to buy you tickets for things then stand up for yourself and say no. Asking him to buy you a ticket and then moaning you can't afford it is silly. It sounds as though you aren't generally happy in the relationship though and resent paying your way and have difficulty saying no to him.

Tuppence2 · 12/05/2011 14:23

With regards to the boots, you didn't ask him to buy them for you, he asked your shoe size and then said he'd found some boots for you... That, to me, is a gift.
I would explain this to him, and if he still doesn't like it, tell him to take them back or sell them on as you don't have the money for them, hence why you didn't go shopping for them or ask him to get them for you.
IMO, you can't buy someone a gift and then ask for the money!

With the gig tickets, why don't you ask around mutual friends or whoever if they can buy the ticket from you, or sell on gumtree?
The second ticket, you did tell him to buy you the ticket, so I think if you are wanting to go to that one, you will have to pay for it. Unless you have a birthday before that, and say that he should make it a present? If not, I'd start keeping hold of loose change (5ps, 2ps and 1ps) and see how much you can get by the time the gig comes round.

nijinsky · 12/05/2011 14:24

I'd pay him back all the money, since it is bothering him so much. And then think about whether I wanted to be in a relationship with a man like that. A man who doesn't buy you nice presents. A man who won't buy you tickets for a gig to treat you. fgs I have friends who will pay for tickets as a nice gesture and not make a big deal out of it.

Is it possible though, from the way he's going on, that he has an issue with you not working?

expatinscotland · 12/05/2011 14:25

DTMFA.

That stands for Dump the mother fucker already.

And no, I wouldn't take the boots back and give him the money or any of that shit.

Just, 'I'm breaking up with you because you're a tight arse. Don't contact me any more or I'll start logging it as harrassment. Goodbye, cheapskate.'

LDNmummy · 12/05/2011 14:26

WTF? Boggles the mind. Is he actually your DP or just someone you are seeing?

I would dump his arse TBH. My DP even helped me pay my rent in the past and I have supported him in like. If he bought me something without me asking for it, it would be a purchase from him to me, not something I owe him for.

LDNmummy · 12/05/2011 14:29

And what expat said.

Hullygully · 12/05/2011 14:31

I think he sounds lovely and caring. Yum yum eat him all up.

2rebecca · 12/05/2011 14:33

Why should a man always be buying a woman presents? I find these assumptions very sexist of the man as the big provider and the woman as a financial parasite who doesn't pay her own way.
Either these 2 have an agreement where their finances are seperate and they each pay their own way or they don't.
I don't think a woman should agree to paying her own way and then complain when a man won't constantly treat her.
I do think calling him DP is misleading though as to me he isn't a partner but a flatmate. In general partners financially support each other but this relationship doesn't sound that serious.
If the OP wants a relationship where one of them will financially support the other if not working she should say so, not refuse to pay him for tickets she has asked him to buy her.

Hammy02 · 12/05/2011 14:36

2rebecca. The problem doesn't appear to be that she doesn't pay her way. It is that he implies things are gifts or that he wants to go to a concert and asks her to go with him then asks for the money.

VinegarTits · 12/05/2011 14:38

do you have children to this loser?

i'd show him the hard shoulder and tell him to jog on

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 14:38

2rebecca where has the OP said (or anyone else) that men should be constantly buying presents? Looking for sexism where there is none I think

expatinscotland · 12/05/2011 14:39

2rebecca, he's buying her things she didn't ask for.

He knows she's out of work and he's mithering her over £20 or so.

L-O-S-E-R.

2rebecca · 12/05/2011 14:39

I agree the boots seemed like a gift but the financial arrangements for the tickets seemed fairly unambiguous and it sounds like the OP expected to pay for the ticket and is mainly not wanting to pay because she now has other priorities, which isn't her boyfriend's fault.

LDNmummy · 12/05/2011 14:39

I don't think that is the sitaution here 2rebecca. The OP didn't ask for the boots, he said he was buying them for her and then started reminding her she owed him money. He seems to also be badgering her into making financial commitments instead of understanding her current situation.

I have always paid my own way in my relationships so agree with you about it being sexist expecting men to shoulder financial responsibility, but I don't think that is what the OP is saying.

aldiwhore · 12/05/2011 14:39

Either dump him (hate tightwads) or be crystal clear when he asks you to do something, mentions something that costs money that you can only do it if its a gift, if its a loan, flat refuse.

It sounds like a petty power trip to me and I'd be inclined to charge him for everything in return...

LDNmummy · 12/05/2011 14:40

X posted

Iggly · 12/05/2011 14:40

PMSL at "biggest dong known to man".
I'd call him on it. ask him why he's doing this?

Then consider your options ie leave or leave.