...to not go to family do because of awkward family politics??

[Pr0udMum]

Right, we've got a family christening to go to this autumn which would include having to be in same room as SIL and BIL who are currently separated (but will probably be back together soon). Not so bad really, BUT reasons for separation are a bit worrisome. BIL was abusive, to her and kids. A real nasty piece of work. I have kids and don't want them anywhere near him. Just the thought of him giving them a hug revolts me. Family politics atm lean on the side of the rest of the family supporting their getting back together. I and my husband don't agree and want nothing to do with him. What do we do? Play 'happy families' or make an excuse for not going?

Who is being christened? Seems a shame for them for their day to be ruined by a protest. There will presumably be a fair few people there, not like it's the 4 of you locked in a lift. You don't say who the baby is / parents are ( assuming this is the christening of a baby) and how hurt the parents would be and dh parents - the grandparents? would be if you chose to show your displeasure at this man's actions by boycotting baby x's christening.

Surely the dilemma is the hosts'?

Well you couldn't do anything could you; if he came up and tried to chat.
But if you make your position clear from the outset, so he knows you don't like him or approve of their relationship and wish to have no direct dealings with him (being in same room as christening is not direct dealings) then he'd have to be a nutter to ignore this and will make himself look even worse if he does ignore the request for no contact of any kind.

The question is, how much information about this mans behaviour do other people have?

If he genuinely did as accused then I CAN see why you would feel so bad at the idea of looking like you condone his actions, by socialising with him,

but it puzzles me as to how the rest of your immediate family CAN, knowing the same as you & want her to get back with him, not with kids involved & them potentially in danger, it just doesn't sound right - this is what makes me wonder even more so, if the rest of the family actually know more than you do, & that she exaggerated her claims when they were split up, to stop him seeing the kids, hurt him etc etc - I can see why you would hate him, based on what you are told, but I have lost count of the number of times I have seen really nasty accusations fly about the other parent when relationship breakdown - it can all get VERY Jeremy Kyle -

I've seen my friend dragged through court & accused of been an alcoholic prostitute by her ex wanting custody of their Son - at the time he really seemed to believe it, because he hated her so much & wanted to believe it - she accused him of being abusive & the police were called many a time - after she'd wound the hell out of him & he reacted - because she wanted it on record, for HER case - these days they are good friends & he thinks she's a great Mum

I could offer lots more examples, my own Mum included, who regularly accused my Dad as being abusive before & during their own split & divorce- she was actually the abusive one, we as kids only ever saw our Dad raise a hand to her, in self protection - he to was accused of been abusive to my Brother - he was playing with him & trying to teach him to swim - they are back together now & have been for over 50 years - my own Grandparents etc were close by & knew the truth of it & accepted my Dad back without prejudice - hence why I'm a bit sceptical that your SIL is as honest as you think

Have you tried talking to other closer members of the family about this??, perhaps those who live close to them ?? maybe their opinions might help you decide???

But putting that aside, even if he IS as bad as painted I personally wouldn't allow that to affect my family taking part - or let the parents of the Christened DC down by not going -

we had a situation that was a little similar, in that a friends 40th party we were invited too, as had invited someone whom we would normally not pee on if they were on fire, for very good reason too - but we went anyway, because our friend wanted us there, especially important as she had been ill - in the end we weren't the ones left feeling uncomfortable & hiding - the other person was - just go, show a united front & if necessary keep out of his way - but I suspect if the accusations ARE true - you probably won't have too - he'll avoid YOU

It's true that you have nothing to fear from having your kids in the same place as him, if its a public occasion then he's not going to do anything. But I share your revulsion: I wouldn't want to paper over someone having hit a child if it was in my family. If you're going to duck out, I'd be truthful about your reasons. If you make an excuse someone will see through it.

I would worry that by just going along with the pretense my kids would see this person as safe / family / OK to be around.

I had a BIL who was emotionally very controlling / abusive and had many female family members in tears over the years - I always made sure my DDs were aware of my dislike for this man, I was civil to him at family events, because it was important to my lovely in-laws to keep a relationship with their DD (his wife) and grandkids - but I kept my children in sight. Over the years, as they got older, they asked more questions about why I didn't like him and I made sure they talked to their older cousins about their experiences with this uncle. Now they are much older they are able to be pleasant and social when they have to be - but they are not vulnerable where he is concerned. I think we can help our children develop an ability to protect themselves and that's as important as keeping them away from things and people we consider unhealthy!

Wrt to the people hosting the christening, if they choose to invite an abusive person then they have to be prepared for the fact that other people won't want to be around him, or want their dc around him, so therefore may turn down their invitation.

loiner45, I can see your point. I would like to rise above it all, but I get so protective and angry just thinking about sharing the same air with him....I reaallllyy don't like him!
Had a good talk with H and have decided that we will just have to have a good talk with SIL about it first, then when comes to the day, to ask that they leave us alone. Since this is extended family that doesn't know the nasty details, we won't burden them with the immediate families drama. Let's hope it works and she can understand our side of it all. Afterall, we didn't marry him...

If the issue is you don't want your kids near this guy, maybe have just your husband go while you stay at home looking after the kids. You have a decent excuse since the guy is abusive and who'd want their kids near a guy like that? You needing to stay at home to look after them means you don't have to face the family politics here.