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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not go to family do because of awkward family politics??

33 replies

Pr0udMum · 11/05/2011 12:41

Right, we've got a family christening to go to this autumn which would include having to be in same room as SIL and BIL who are currently separated (but will probably be back together soon). Not so bad really, BUT reasons for separation are a bit worrisome. BIL was abusive, to her and kids. A real nasty piece of work. I have kids and don't want them anywhere near him. Just the thought of him giving them a hug revolts me. Family politics atm lean on the side of the rest of the family supporting their getting back together. I and my husband don't agree and want nothing to do with him. What do we do? Play 'happy families' or make an excuse for not going?

OP posts:

DingDongMerrilyOutOfSeason · 11/05/2011 12:43

If you are seriously worried about the safety of your children or that he really was abusive, don't go. If anyone asks, be honest. However if these were rumours (was he ever charged?) or things SIL said in the heat of the moment, I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

rockinhippy · 11/05/2011 12:48

ditto as Dingdong has said - the abuse may well have been exaggerated beyond recognition if it has come from your SIL at a time when she was upset & angry with him & out to hurt & make him look bad - the fact that the rest of the family are supportive of them getting back together DOES suggest that perhaps he's not anything like as bad as he was painted

Your call of course, but seems a shame to miss out on a family gathering, especially for your DCs,

Original poster

Pr0udMum · 11/05/2011 12:49

Well, we know for a fact of what he did/said to make him classed as 'abusive'. She told us. But now she's trending toward a reconciliation. One of those women who makes excuses, you see. Thing is, if we are honest and don't go, we will look like the baddies, which on one hand I don't care about (because keeping my kids safe is my first priority), but on the other hand, I have to live with the family for a long time to come and want to be reasonable to a certain extent.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pr0udMum · 11/05/2011 12:50

and I say the family is 'supportive' in that they want her out of the house!

OP posts:

rockinhippy · 11/05/2011 12:52

I do think you are over reacting - he's hardly likely to start beating your kids up in a Church is he?? & as you say SHE told you - you didn't see it for yourself & you don't actually know what part she played in herself?? - you may THINK she is the sort that makes excuses, but that may not actually be the case - IMHO you need to calm down - its HER life & a christening, not like your are asking him to babysit is it??

StewieGriffinsMom · 11/05/2011 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob · 11/05/2011 12:56

Its a difficult one.

I am in a similar situaion, only it was bils girlfriend that wrapped a bat around his head

They are back together and dh refuses to see them as in his mind that is condoning her actions.

ginnny · 11/05/2011 12:58

I don't see how your dc will be in danger in a church surrounded by other people. I think you are overreacting tbh. its not like they will be alone with him.
I agree with rockinhippy - its actually not your business if she gets back with him. You should just tell her you will support her whatever she does.

lalalonglegs · 11/05/2011 13:06

If they're going to be reconciling then you are going to have to get used to seeing him. I can understand your revulsion at having to spend time with someone who has been abusive but do you honestly think he is a danger to your children? Many men think it is OK to abuse their own families but aren't aggressive to other people. Just ignore him once you are there.

chicletteeth · 11/05/2011 13:08

Are you actually worried that this man may abuse your children in some way at this gathering? Verbal, physical?

DingDongMerrilyOutOfSeason · 11/05/2011 13:15

IMO if you know he has been violent towards children, I wouldn't have anything to do with him. I don't care if he is unlikely to actually harm anyone at this event, I do not want anything to do with abusers, family or not.

If SIL told you and you believe her, then do not expose your children to this man. If I found out that my mother had kept up a friendship with an abuser, I would not be impressed, even if she had done it to keep the peace.

Don't tell her you will support her whatever she does unless this is true. Supporting her will mean attending family occasions where he is present etc, but also being available when it all gets violent again. I could not support someone who was choosing to put children in this position. If you can, do it wholeheartedly because she may need you. But don't give her false hope of friendship and a friendly ear if you don't mean it.

rockinhippy · 11/05/2011 13:21

curious though as to what exactly she TOLD you that he did/said to make him class as abusive & was there ever any other evidence of this?? -

Original poster

Pr0udMum · 11/05/2011 13:23

DingDong - This is how I feel exactly. Just the thought of him touching my kids (even just for a hug) goes against all of my mothering instinct. My H agrees, but now that it has come to this upcoming event....we are both second guessing if we are choosing the right path. Should I make an excuse? Something plausible that seems unrelated? Or is this the coward's way out?

OP posts:

Original poster

Pr0udMum · 11/05/2011 13:25

SS was invloved once. He's called his kids swear names, called her horrible names in public, hit the kids with things, thrown them across the room.....yeah, no doubt he is abusive.

OP posts:

sprinkles77 · 11/05/2011 13:30

Go to the event. It would be a shame if this couple's fucked up relationship affected the rest of the family...by not going you increase the chances of splitting the family up, which is no good for anyone. If you think your children could be at risk, keep them with you. If SIL asks for your opinion, or wants to talk about it with you, just explain that after what she's told you, your worried for her and her family, and really don't want to be involved in her personal life. It's so easy to say the wrong thing, and BIL probably has a side to tell.

chicletteeth · 11/05/2011 13:32

Good grief, he sounds awful.
I can see why you don't want to go, however, does this mean that you will never go to a family event again because of this?
Seems a shame.

Is it perhaps worthwhile making it clear to him and her exactly how you feel and that you don't expect to see him anywhere near, or even looking at you or your DH or your children or all ties will be severed.

And that if there is an invitation for their family to come for dinner/BBQ day out etc.. it will never ever include him

DingDongMerrilyOutOfSeason · 11/05/2011 13:35

You cannot make an excuse for this occasion if you really do want to sever all ties. You have to be honest. Tell your SIL how shocked and upset you were by what she told you and that you cannot be civil to this man because of what he has done. She has chosen to forgive him, you have chosen to avoid him. You will have to work out how to keep your relationship, if you want to, without involving him.

For me, as well as not wanting him near my kids, it would be the example everyone is willing to set, that if one person forgives an abuser, even if he is still violent, then everyone has to get on with it and forget what he has done. People choose who to be friends with based on much less important things than this. The whole attitude of 'Don't mention it in case it upsets someone', 'It's a private family matter' is how abusive people get away with so much.

AxisofEvil · 11/05/2011 13:35

What are the relations here - is SIL your DH's sister? If so then as long as your DC aren't actively going to be in harm's way (which seems the case in a church) then I think it has to be up to your DH.

If you don't want to hug BIL then don't.

chicletteeth · 11/05/2011 13:37

But Dingdong does that mean the OP and her family can never go to family occasions now because of this guy? That seems a shame and will have long lasting effects if they never go to christmas, birthday gatherings etc..

By being at the same occasion as them, it doesn't means she condones his behaviour or their relationship

DingDongMerrilyOutOfSeason · 11/05/2011 13:50

She can go to any family gatherings she likes, if she doesn't mind being near him. Personally, I would not sweep it under the carpet and if it were me organising a family gathering and I knew someone had a problem with an abusive person, it would be the abusive person not getting the invite. But I am narrow minded and unforgiving about certain things.

Sitting sharing a meal with someone, drinking with someone, chatting with someone, all very hard to do it you really disapprove of them. For me, it would have long lasting effects to be civil to someone who had hurt children.

OP has said that she believes entirely what SIL has said so I am going on this as being fact. The fact is, he hurts his children.

OP will become part of the 'don't talk about it' lot, the ones who paper over things for the sake of peace. Some can do this, some cannot. If you told me that someone I was in a room with had abused a child, I would leave the room. I would not want to be part of a social group with that person and would certainly not choose to see them again. For others it is enough to just ignore them, although then what do you do if they approach you, make a scene or talk to them? For others, they can be civil. Others can forgive completely.

This is entirely my perspective, the OP has to decide for herself what is important. But I do see it as condoning their behaviour and relationship if you socialise with someone instead of avoiding them. Again, just my opinion.

I reiterate, I am in no way telling the OP what to do, just what I would do. If she feels that she doesn't want her children near him, I don't see how she can go to family occasions where he is there. Maybe if everyone stopped condoning his behaviour, he would not be welcome and she would be free to go where she liked. But until then, she has to choose.

chicletteeth · 11/05/2011 13:54

I don't disagree with your approach at all. That man would never receive an invitation from me again. However, since other people are not prepared to leave him out, then the OP either decides never to go to a family gathering again if he's there, or she goes but makes it clear to SIL and partner her feelings and that if he so much as sneezes out of place, there will be trouble.

I don't know how else you'd deal with it, other than never going to a family do again that he's invited too.

You just hope that other family members see sense and refrain from inviting him too.

Do they know what he did?

DingDongMerrilyOutOfSeason · 11/05/2011 13:58

I don't think they can go but put rules on it. If he does approach them even after being told not to, what will happen? If they have chosen to be near him, he has as much right to be there as anyone else. If he persters them when he sees them but the rest of the family still want to invite him everywhere, they will still be in the situation of choosing whether to attend family occasions. OP either has to accept being around him, even in close proximity or making small talk, or opt out.

As chicletteeth says, do the rest of the family know the details of what he did?

fairyglade · 11/05/2011 14:01

why should you all miss out because of him? just go, smile politely and stay on the other side of the room-failing that have a mystery illness on the day!!!

Balsam · 11/05/2011 14:01

I think it might help if you decide now what you're going to do if they get back together. Are you going to cut them off or grin and bear him (at a distance)? Your answer will then determine whether you go or not.

Original poster

Pr0udMum · 11/05/2011 14:03

Immediate family, oh yes, which is perplexing in and of itself. To the extended family...I'm not sure they know the details. They just know they are separated.
I have to agree with you DingDong. I can't be a hypocrite. and I certainly don't play 'happy families'. Right or wrong there are just some things I have to take a stand on, and when kids are involved, especially mine, I can't compromise for the sake of hurt feelings.

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