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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That my boyfriend forgot?

51 replies

covalent · 11/05/2011 10:47

My boyfriend (who is normally amazing etc - truly, is normally so good and sweet and sensitive and remembers stuff) has forgotten we were meant to be going out on Friday to celebrate handing in my dissertations the day before.

He has made arrangements to see a (male) friend of his who we both know.

He is really apologetic, etc, and has said "I'll make it up to you", or we can go out Thurs or Sat instead. That is not the point, it was meant to be Friday. I work full-time and have a month of exams starting on Monday, too.

When we realised last night his response was oh no, I'm so sorry, let me see if the friend can do another day. Whereas really I think he should just cancel full-stop. It turns out the friend can't do another day.

I want to be honest with him and tell him I'm disappointed - but I also don't want to fight. And I want to be cool.

(Which normally means I end up doing something in-between which just comes out passive-aggressive which is the WORST - of course.)

The worst thing is that last night he was having work dramas, as was I, so I was all, oh don't worry, am disappointed but whatever I can do something on my own. Then I woke up this morning feeling quite upset about it. Which is my gut feeling.
I never care if he sees his friends, never bothered how much time he spends at football etc. And we do go out on 'dates' (ugh that term) a lot. I don't even care about anniversaries - so on and so forth. But this was meant to be a bit important.

Am I fighting for a principle just for principle's sake and should I just chill out? Or shd I stick to my guns?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 11/05/2011 10:49

Personally feel he should have cancelled. But seeing as he hasn't what can you do?

cannydoit · 11/05/2011 10:55

na this one is cut and dry hun, tis a big deal. he should make a big deal. you had made arrangements first they should stand. you shouldnt get the brush off because he feels he can make it up to you. letting it simmer will be bad for you and then bad for you both tell him.

Original poster

covalent · 11/05/2011 10:59

Thanks... I agree. What can I do; the question is just whether I want to make something of it or not. I very often - too often - fall into 'let's keep things calm' mode, while simmering underneath. Not good or helpful.

And I do think if he's done something wrong, which he has, it should be admitted by me and him and not pacified away for the sake of some fake diplomacy.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 11/05/2011 11:03

why can't it be thursday? the actual day you handed in the work?

Dropdeadfred · 11/05/2011 11:04

but secondly - his friend cannot do another day...what ? never? ever?

Tuppence2 · 11/05/2011 11:05

Been in this position so many times with my boyfriend... And I've learnt you either tell him exactly how you feel and ask him to cancel his plans to stick to what you had arranged, or you let him go see his mate and do something else.
The worst thing to do is let him go out with his mate and sit fuming about it... If he thinks you're ok with him going out, he won't feel bad or think he's done something wrong, and it will cause an arguement further down the line...
If you both know the friend, can't you all go out together, and get your boyfriend to tell the friend why you're going out with them? You never know, the friend may be happy with you joining them and all having a good time, or he may say to your boyfriend for him to stick to your plans instead?

Original poster

covalent · 11/05/2011 11:06

Boring reasons really - because I have a v early meeting on Friday morning for my work (my job, not my studies), as he does, followed by hectic work day plus signing off study stuff. And Friday is just somehow a nicer night to go out, which is why we agreed it.

OP posts:

BaronessOrczy · 11/05/2011 11:07

Organise your own night out with your girlfriends. I understand where you are coming from, but if he's not available you should still go and celebrate.

That way you get two nights out and you're not sitting at home getting crosser and crosser.

JeffTracy · 11/05/2011 11:07

So he forgot the important date, apologised and offered to rearrange the meeting with his friend so he could be with you and also suggested other days to go out. You told him not to worry and offered to make your own arrangements for Friday.

He seems - as you say - very sensitive. What am I missing here? What principle are you fighting for?

TheCowardlyLion · 11/05/2011 11:10

I think you might have missed your chance now... When he said that he had made arrangements to see a friend, that was when you needed to say 'Don't forget that we are going out on Friday to celebrate handing in my dissertation - I'm afraid you'll have to let your friend know that you already have plans which can't be changed.'

But since you have now told him not to worry and that you will make other plans instead, I think you might just have to get over it. Otherwise you do sound passive-aggressive in that 'I said I was FINE but you were supposed to work out that I'm not and ignore what I actually said in favour of guessing what I was not saying instead...'

Can you make plans with another friend so that you at least get to go out on Friday and then insist that your boyfriend spoils you on another evening?

RabbitPie · 11/05/2011 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cannydoit · 11/05/2011 11:14

did i miss that, did he say i will re arrange and you said dont worry about it???

Original poster

covalent · 11/05/2011 11:20

Thanks, all.

Cannydoit, sorry to confuse: last night when we realised he had forgotten he offered to rearrange and I said yes, please do rearrange, I am disappointed (obv put it slightly softer than that) though if you can't rearrange I'll go and do my own thing.
So he texted his friend to see if he could do another day. The friend can't do another day for quite a while. So he is seeing the friend.

OP posts:

TheCowardlyLion · 11/05/2011 11:23

Yes, based on that, YABU now since you did say 'rearrange' rather than 'cancel/postpone' the friend, which wouldn't have offered the same get-out, although YANBU to be upset that he forgot, if that makes sense! I would just make the best of it.

TheFantasticFixit · 11/05/2011 11:24

I'm sorry, but in the grand scheme of things you need to Get a Grip.

He made a mistake and by your own admission is normally absolutely lovely. He has offered to rearrange with his friend and you were non committal in your reply. The friend can't meet for a while, so instead of sucking it up and either doing something on the Thursday or the Saturday, you are going to have a pout. Jesus. Read some of the boards in relationships deary and see what real shitty relationships look like.

sleepingsowell · 11/05/2011 11:25

He is in the wrong - he should just have got in touch with his friend and said he was sorry but had completely forgotten he was out with you that day.

I think you have to let this go now, but just bear in mind for the future that if anything like this crops up, don't offer him an out eg "if you can't re-arrange I will do something else".......this tells him "I'm not fussed, do what's easiest for you"....when you actually need to be saying "We arranged our day out first, you'll just have to cancel".

sleepingsowell · 11/05/2011 11:27

agree with thefantasticfixit - you WERE non commital in your reply - what you actually said to him was not reflective of how you actually feel about it, so he can't possibly know how miffed you feel!

That's what I mean about letting this instance go, and not harbouring resentment about it - but just bearing in mind that for the future you need to be CLEAR about what you are asking of him. THE secret to a happy relationship with a man, imho is learning to spell.it.out.

Original poster

covalent · 11/05/2011 11:27

Yes, makes sense : )
But isn't rearrange the same as postpone, in this sense? I was pretty clear.

I also hate the sense of being the nag; not to sound too twee but I think things should come from him, not via force. But of course that's a dangerous (=depressing) game, because you end up in the passiveness cul-de-sac before you know it, silently, simmeringly expectant. Aghhh, I don't know...

OP posts:

Missingfriendsandsad · 11/05/2011 11:29

no bloke likes to call their friends and say 'I can't come because my girlfriend says I can't'

Morloth · 11/05/2011 11:32

So what is wrong with Saturday?

Do you think he is a keeper? If so, you need to learn to say clearly what it is you want and not say 'don't worry about it' if you don't mean it.

Original poster

covalent · 11/05/2011 11:35

Missingfriends, I completely agree - which is why I do everything to avoid the nag thing, not that it would be justified to be frank. I am generally pretty cool about such things... as I think I should be, and he to I. Not heroic of me just don't see him getting trashed with mates etc as a problem as long as it is offset by the good stuff.

But I'm not going to pretend things are ok just so he doesn't have to say something to his friends he doesn't want to, if you see what I mean. Plus, he is quite forgetful - he's done similar with his friends, including this one! So they would know is him not me, though of course net effect is he still feels silly (p'raps even more so) and in the end, do I want to be 'cause' of him feeling bad...regardless of original 'fault'...

OP posts:

TheFantasticFixit · 11/05/2011 11:35

No, there is no need to find yourself "in the passiveness cul-de-sac before you know it, silently, simmeringly expectant"; because you TALK to him, and explain to him, quite simply, what your expectations are. You are being a nag (although lord shoot me down because I hate that word) because you haven't properly stated what you expected as a result from the conversation that you had an now no doubt are doing the silent, simmering act whilst he stands by rather confused as to your messages. And no, rearrange isn't the same as postpone because you haven't made it clear that that was your expected response. If you wanted him to postpone, you should have used that word.

Now seriously, get over it and thank your lucky stars.

Original poster

covalent · 11/05/2011 12:00

But in asking him to rearrange for another day, that is asking him to postpone...?

Sorry, confusing myself here too : o but I was certainly clear on that with him.
He tried to do so - texted the friend - and because it turned out the friend can't (and for ancient but understandable reasons the friend is kind of strict about my boyfriend messing him around on a previous occasion) my boyfriend is seeing him.

I want to keep the peace but he has screwed up and am a bit upset. I always Ms Cool about stuff in our rel'ship yada yada but this has got to me.

OP posts:

Morloth · 11/05/2011 12:09

Why can't you go out on Saturday, these things happen. It really isn't any reason to be upset.

Acanthus · 11/05/2011 12:16

You are over thinking this. You are a couple, you can go out any time. Give him a break. Don't you have any other friends? You sound as though you have no one else you can celebrate with, which would not make for a healthy relationship between you, ime.

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