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Original poster

That my boyfriend forgot?

51 replies

covalent · 11/05/2011 10:47

My boyfriend (who is normally amazing etc - truly, is normally so good and sweet and sensitive and remembers stuff) has forgotten we were meant to be going out on Friday to celebrate handing in my dissertations the day before.

He has made arrangements to see a (male) friend of his who we both know.

He is really apologetic, etc, and has said "I'll make it up to you", or we can go out Thurs or Sat instead. That is not the point, it was meant to be Friday. I work full-time and have a month of exams starting on Monday, too.

When we realised last night his response was oh no, I'm so sorry, let me see if the friend can do another day. Whereas really I think he should just cancel full-stop. It turns out the friend can't do another day.

I want to be honest with him and tell him I'm disappointed - but I also don't want to fight. And I want to be cool.

(Which normally means I end up doing something in-between which just comes out passive-aggressive which is the WORST - of course.)

The worst thing is that last night he was having work dramas, as was I, so I was all, oh don't worry, am disappointed but whatever I can do something on my own. Then I woke up this morning feeling quite upset about it. Which is my gut feeling.
I never care if he sees his friends, never bothered how much time he spends at football etc. And we do go out on 'dates' (ugh that term) a lot. I don't even care about anniversaries - so on and so forth. But this was meant to be a bit important.

Am I fighting for a principle just for principle's sake and should I just chill out? Or shd I stick to my guns?

OP posts:
Original poster
covalent · 11/05/2011 12:29

Saturday is ok but I have to be up at 6 on Sunday to pick someone up from Heathrow, so not ideal - that's all.

I think forgetting an important occasion is some reason to be upset?

OP posts:
TheFantasticFixit · 11/05/2011 12:35

Look, it's tough. He's meeting the friend isn't he? So now you need to sort out another night. Christ alive! This is ridiculous to get so bloody het up over a minor celebration night. I get that you want to go out and celebrate handing your work in, but if he isn't around now (via a genuine mistake, and one he has apologised for) why not go out with your friends on Friday and see him on Saturday? It isn't that hard. Stop turning this into a momentous drama and enjoy your night out - on Saturday (or Thursday, whichever will suit).

Stop being so precious. It is ONE night that he isn't available and has forgotten about your original plans. As much as that may be disappointing, is it really worth agonising over like this?!

Morloth · 11/05/2011 12:36

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

Original poster
covalent · 11/05/2011 12:38

Acanthus, thanks but of course I have other friends, and will no doubt see some of them on Friday and no doubt have a great time.

That wasn?t the point ? it was simply that we agree to mark this point that marks the end of two months of no going out etc and before another two months of exams with this fun night on Friday and then he forgot. It's akin to an anniversary or something I guess, tho' funnily enough am not bothered about anniversaries!

Possibly partly my fault, I am pretty casual about stuff and never dress it up as an occasion, and am always out doing things so (he often says) I have less ?need? of him than he of me ? though that?s another thread. And as I?ve said, he is pretty good ? I?m lucky.

That?s all it was ? about him forgetting.

OP posts:
Morloth · 11/05/2011 12:38

Trust me, when you are together a long time things are forgotten and dates are double booked.

It can be annoying but that's life.

stayathomegardener · 11/05/2011 12:39

This might seem a bit obvious but if this was the situation with my DH I would not think it unreasonable to say to him a day later-you know in reflection I was surprisingly upset that you chose to prioritize your friend over me,which would then probably lead to a discussion about me not making my feelings clear to him which would in the long term avoid a similar situation.

God I sound so sensible Smile

Original poster
covalent · 11/05/2011 12:39

Morloth, nice question - happy...

OP posts:
Acanthus · 11/05/2011 12:39

Oh, ok. So a bit annoying, but I still t hink you shou ld let it go and go out without him.

chicletteeth · 11/05/2011 12:40

If he made plans with you first, he should tell his friend this and rearrange to meet him/her another time.

Morloth · 11/05/2011 12:42

So forget about it and go out for lunch on Saturday instead, this is nothing to be upset about, perhaps (very) mildly annoyed.

We sync calendars these days, make life much smoother.

Loie159 · 11/05/2011 12:58

agree with cowardlylion.... this can happen with my DH (he is a bit fluffy about rembering) and me and if we have already made plans / already got people coming over then I just say"on no you wont be able to do that remeber because we are going to xyz".

minipie · 11/05/2011 13:07

I've had this situation many times. You don't want to be the stroppy wife/girlfriend who says no, but on the other hand you're hurt that they've ignored a commitment or semi-commitment with you, in favour of seeing mate. Really, you want THEM to CHOOSE to see you instead of the mate. But they haven't chosen that.

So you end up saying something accommodating like "If you can't rearrange, then I'll do something else" when actually you mean "I want you to should cancel, whether the mate can rearrange or not."

I think that now that you have told him you wouldn't mind if he couldn't rearrange, you can't really go back on that. Would perhaps be better if you'd said from the start "you need to cancel that". Of course that would mean being the stroppy girlfriend.

Sometimes it really is a choice between being the stroppy girlfriend who says no and getting your way, or being accommodating, not getting your way, and feeling upset. Sorry, no easy answers.

Anyway, YANBU for feeling peeved. But I think you've now given him your answer and it will be hard to change it...

Tuppence2 · 11/05/2011 13:28

sorry, but I'm still unclear as to why you can't all go out together if the friend is friends with both of you? Surely that's not a major imposition?

diddl · 11/05/2011 13:46

TBH, I think that the fact that you can go Thurs or Sat is the point.

That way you go out & he still sees his friend.

And you can celebrate with your friends on Fri.

It´s not as if you can´t celebrate together at all.

Original poster
covalent · 11/05/2011 14:05

minipie, yes, that's it - you're exactly right

Tuppence2, thanks but the friend is not a close friend of mine and this was meant to be a date between us (etc) and I think they want, totally understandably, boy time

diddl, I would agree but for various boring reasons we can't - he suggested Thursday or Sat forgetting my and his work in the way for former and airport chore for latter...

OP posts:
diddl · 11/05/2011 14:09

Didn´t realise that Thur & Sat were both out.

But does it have to be in the evening to celebrate?

minipie · 11/05/2011 14:10

covalent Smile

I guess that feeling that we shouldn't say no because we'd be being the stroppy girlfriend, is probably a good indication that we would be being U to say no. And we should just say "sure, go" graciously.

Hard though.

Tuppence2 · 11/05/2011 14:38

Well, if that's the case then I think you either have to tell you boyfriend that you think he should cancel as your plans were made first or put up with the fact that he is going out with his mate... Sorry to be blunt, but there is nothing worse than someone who says one thing but means another. Your boyfriend is psychic and it's not really the end of the world...

larrygrylls · 11/05/2011 14:55

"no bloke likes to call their friends and say 'I can't come because my girlfriend says I can't'"

Well, no, but I would have no problem calling a mate and saying that I had completely forgotten a previous arrangement with my wife and therefore have to cancel. Previous is previous; whichever came first takes priority.

However, he has chosen to prioritise his mate, so you have to live with it or make it a relationship breaker. There is no comfortable middle ground. If I were you, if it is a one off, I would shut up, smile and wish him a lovely evening (and hope he feels suitably guilty). If it becomes regular, it is time to think about ending things.

minipie · 11/05/2011 15:11

"If I were you, if it is a one off, I would shut up, smile and wish him a lovely evening (and hope he feels suitably guilty). If it becomes regular, it is time to think about ending things."

Excellent advice

Megatron · 11/05/2011 15:21

I can't be doing getting stressed about these things at all. You've said he's lovely and sensitive normally so I would take a view that it's a pain but you can rearrange it. It certainly wouldn't be a deal breaker for me it's only one night. There are so many things to get stressed about in a realtionship but this wouldn't be one of them.

Journey · 11/05/2011 15:33

Agree with Megatron

marcopront · 11/05/2011 15:41

What exactly did you say?

You said "last night when we realised he had forgotten he offered to rearrange and I said yes, please do rearrange, I am disappointed (obv put it slightly softer than that) though if you can't rearrange I'll go and do my own thing."

You are disappointed but it doesn't sound like you told him that. What is softer than "please do rearrange"?

And if you said "if you can't rearrange I'll go and do my own thing."
Then can you really complain about him thinking when his friend couldn't rearrange then it was OK.

Maybe I am missing something though.

lalalonglegs · 11/05/2011 16:22

Jesus, my husband forgot our wedding anniversary yesterday. He's a really great husband so I just laughed it off when I reminded him and saw he was a bit mortified. That's what you do when people you love make small but genuine mistakes - you move on.

Or do you want us to say, he is clearly a complete nob and you should dump him immediately Hmm?

larrygrylls · 11/05/2011 16:32

Lala,

Your example is not analagous, though. Imagine that you had already planned to go out for your wedding anniversary and were keeping the evening free. Then your husband said he was going out with a mate. When you then said that surely he could cancel his mate, as you already had an arrangement, he said he "would do his best".

It is easy to make a mistake but he was given a chance to correct it. How hard is it to say to a good friend, "I'm really sorry but I double booked and had already arranged something with my partner"? To me, not very.

I do feel that it is inconsiderate and I would not like someone doing it to me. It is not about control, merely about the politeness of keeping an arrangement which has already been made.

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