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AIBU to think I am being a mug

32 replies

KissMyMarigolds · 10/05/2011 10:47

My Ex DP comes round Mon, Wed and Thurs evening to "help" put the kids to bed, I dont need the "help" but I allow him round so he can see the kids. He also has them all day Sunday and puts them to bed on his own.

He will be starting to have them over night on Saturdays soon, every other weekend, the possibly from Friday night to Sunday a few months later. My DC are 3.5 and 20 months. My 20 month old still breastfeeds loads at night still hence the delay in them having them over night so far.

He has taken his name off the mortgage now as he doesnt want my new DP in the house whilst he still "owns" it even though he moved out last August and hasnt paid the mortgage since!! He has since found a new girlfriend and has spent his day with the kids with her. He also never takes the time off work when they're ill and I have to every time. He refuses because " I am the main carer" Yet he sees them more than most fathers who are still with the mothers.

He has been so unreasonable so far so would I be a mug to let him see the kids during the week at my house plus him have them over night every other weekend? When he's at mine during the week the kids want me to bath them, read them them a book and put them into bed.

I dont want him there but I dont want to cause an arguement about how I am "denying him his right to his children"

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 10/05/2011 10:53

He does appear to be having his cake and eating it. If you're not comfortable with him being there, I think it's time to formalise the visiting arrangements to specific days rather than him popping round all the time when he feels like it. You also need to come to some arrangement about time off work when ill & other responsibilities. Could you get a trained mediator to help you acheive this?


GypsyMoth · 10/05/2011 10:54

wheres your new dp whilst the ex is at your house

he has no rights to his dc either,only responsibilities

keep contact away from your home


JeremyVile · 10/05/2011 10:58

Its not about being a mug.
The more access he has the better, at the moment that has to be at yours due to the BFing.

I might have missed a finer point but dont really see what the problem is. (other than him not doing his share of time off when dc are ill - he needs to realise that resident or not he's still a parent and sick days are part of that. He shouldnt be allowed to pick and choose).


KissMyMarigolds · 10/05/2011 11:06

My new DP only stays at the weekend and doesnt sleep in my bed or room cos my ex didnt want him too, which is fine I like my own space anyway!! The only time their paths cross is on a sunday when my Ex picks up the kids and then brings them back to put them to bed. My DP leaves the house. he's fine with that as he doesnt want to upset the ex or my kids for that matter. I am not fine with it though.

The point is JeremyVile - He cancels on me during the week, he dictactes how my sleeping arrangements refused to come in the house if my DP is in there, all the time he was meeting up with his new girlfriend with the kids. Which i have no uissues about as it means he's finally moving on.

He pays the minium CSA doesnt contribute towards their childcare refuses point blank to take the time off work when they're ill and I have only just started back at work part time and have had to take about 5 days off in total so far since I started in March 28th!! The first time being my second day back.

Tomorrow he's cancelled seeing the children after work due to "something coming up"

Im annoyed, my family tell me I shouldnt let him have it his way all the time.

OP posts:

KissMyMarigolds · 10/05/2011 11:11

My main point being that, I have compromised since August that he can come round in the evenings to see the kids because I wouldnt allow over night stay because a) he was renting a room b) I was breastfeeding (still am)

But now Im asking if IABU if I disallow him coming round in the evenings if I allow overnight stays? But only every other weekend when he buys the kids beds to sleep in?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 10/05/2011 11:11

your family are right

he's still controlling you,but only because you let him


FabbyChic · 10/05/2011 11:14

I do believe that if he starts having them weekends you need to stop him coming to your house to put them to bed. How can you have any kind of a life if he is in your home for three nights effectively.

I agree that childcare issues when the children are sick are the primary carers responsibility.

It's one of those things of being a single parent which you now are.


Chil1234 · 10/05/2011 11:14

Your ex dictates whether your new DP can sleep in your bed or share your home?..... With the other information about not paying his fair share and changing plans at the last minute, he sounds like he not only wants to get on making a new life for himself but control your life as well. Your new DP should not feel he has to make himself scarce, for example. Listen to your family because I think they have already worked out what's happening. Decide what level of contact you would be happy with and tell your ex that's how it's going to be.


JeremyVile · 10/05/2011 11:15

Oh, well I see better now how he's messing you about.

Yes, stop the visitation at your home, have fixed arrangements and do not compromise.

Dont even contemplate allowing him to dictate your sleeping arrangements.


JeremyVile · 10/05/2011 11:17

Fabbychic - can I ask why you think sick days are only for the main carer to deal with?
I cant think of any reason why that should be the case. Maybe I'm missing something?


ChippingIn · 10/05/2011 11:19


You have been great letting him do this, very kind and reasonable - but he doesn't appreciate it and he's dictating how you live while doing as he pleases. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

This is your house. He can pick the kids up and bring them back. He can take the oldest one overnight but not the youngest until s/he's ready to stay over night.

Maybe consider one night every weekend until you are ready for 2 consecutive nights when it can go to alternate weekends?

It's great he wants to be so involved with the kids - but you have to stop letting him control what you do, in your house, with your DP, in your time.


KissMyMarigolds · 10/05/2011 11:20

I let him control me because I cant deal with a huge custody battle which he threatened me when we broke up, it was all a massive stressful mess and there is no way I can cope with all that again.

Its easier to let him have it his way to avoid him kidnapping the kids from me. Afterall as a father he has 50% rights and resposibilites and he can legally not reurn them to me.

OP posts:

KissMyMarigolds · 10/05/2011 11:23

ChippingIn - Thank you for your advice, I really have no idea about how to agree contact.

My mum thinks that Friday - Sun every other weekend is too much, when I suggested that.

OP posts:

frgaaah · 10/05/2011 11:26

"Its easier to let him have it his way to avoid him kidnapping the kids from me. Afterall as a father he has 50% rights and resposibilites and he can legally not reurn them to me."

The family courts are a lot more reasonable than you appear to think.

He can't have 50% of the rights to your children, because you've already said he's not taking 50% of the responsibility (e.g. the emergency childcare, minimum CSA payments, letting you down at short notice, doing the "nice" parenting bits rather than a true 50% of them)

there's a difference between encouraging a healthy relationship between DCs vs. letting him control you. He is still their dad, but he is no longer your partner.


ChippingIn · 10/05/2011 11:26

Oh the other things are...

  • CSA get it sorted.

  • Sick leave - tell him that he will be taking time off to do his fair share. Parenting is not all fun days.

  • You have to decide what you want to do about times when he is due to have them but makes other plans - would you rather have them yourself or is he free to get a babysitter etc. You can't have that one both ways. There is no point in saying he shouldn't make other plans when it's his time with them because it's just as much his right to do that as it is yours. I think the best arrangement is when the 'on' parent calls the other parent first to see if they can/want to have the children, but accepts that sometimes the answer is no & they have to arrange childcare.

TechLovingDad · 10/05/2011 11:27

As he clearly doesn't want the responsibility of looking after your DCs full time, do you really think he'd kidnap them?

Sounds like his threat of custody battle was just to keep his control over you.


miniwedge · 10/05/2011 11:29

  1. sick days - you are the main carer, if you want him to take sick days then have shared care. You can't unilaterally decide that you want to control when he can see his children but then insist that he drops everything to cover your working arrangements. I'm not saying sick days should just be for one parent, what I'm actually saying is you seem to have a low regard for his position as a parent

2. Why are you telling him when he is "allowed" to see the children? It sounds like you are just as confrontational as he is

3. YABU to let him tell you who you can sleep with, just as it's none of your business who he sleeps with either.

4. CSA minimum amount? His maintenence will be worked out as a fixed percentage of his income, he will still need enough money to live on, feed the children whilst they are with him, have a home adequate to accomodate the children when they are with him.

Honestly, you sound as if you are letting personal opinion of him cloud the issue of contact with the children.
get a schedule written down and agreed between the two of you. By all means stop the visits in your home but make sure you don't reduce the contact time.

ChippingIn · 10/05/2011 11:32

Why don't you get 'residency' officially?

You can't let him hold you over a barrel until the kids are grown. If he kicks off tell him he will have to take you to court to get access, but that he wont get more than you are offering... but he's welcome to try. No court is going to allow him to take them from their home (not unless they are abused/neglected etc). He would get short sharp shift on not returning them to their Mum and their home.

Talk to him, tell him that you are OK with overnights and this is what you are proposing. Tell him it is not acceptable to you for him to be in your home.


ChippingIn · 10/05/2011 11:33

Fri-Sun - I don't know if it would be too much because without knowing your ex and your children it's hard to say - it would be fine for some and terrible for others. That's why I think one night a week for a little while and see how it goes. One night a fortnight isn't really enough for them to start feeling comfortable there.


garlicbutter · 10/05/2011 11:33

When he's at mine during the week the kids want me to bath them, read them them a book and put them into bed.

The "rights" are the children's, not the father's. They're plainly not getting much out of their relationship with him, so whose benefit is this for? His. It allows him to keep tabs on you, dictate where your boyfriend sleeps, and befuddle your thinking so you don't know what's right and what's not.

Keep him out of your house and out of your life. Go through the courts if necesssary, they've seen ex-fathers like him before.


GypsyMoth · 10/05/2011 11:36

how would he even afford a court case anyway


FlamingFannyDrawers · 10/05/2011 11:39

So he has a new partner yet he is dictating to you about your new partner and hes not allowed to stay with you? I'd tell him to grow up. He no longer pays the mortgage, he has no right telling you what to do. The children would probably benefit from some time alone with their dad rather than him coming to your house and you ending up doing everything for the kids anyway.

I think you both need to sit down and talk this through properly. Set some initial plans in place, for example he has them overnight every 2 weeks to start with and maybe sees them once or twice during the week. He can take them out somewhere, even the park on his own.


KissMyMarigolds · 10/05/2011 11:42

miniwedge - Im confused by your post.

I havent made him take sick leave, during my first week back at work my youngest was so ill. I had been on maternity leave followed by sick leave for nearly 2 years. I was on the verge of being sacked, he knew this but wouldnt take the time off at all. he was a complete arse about it. he sent me a text telling me he will not take any time off if they're sick as im the main carer.
And I certainly dont care who he sleeps with as it wasnt me spying on him through a window just after we broke up and caused a massive scene where the police were called as he was closed to smashing in my windows and front door. I am happy for him what pisses me off is because he wont allow my dp in the house and talks down of him when the kids are in the room. Double standards. I broke up with him I am happy he's moved on.

He wont agree it all legally.

OP posts:

KissMyMarigolds · 10/05/2011 11:47

Tillytulip his parents are rich and they've never liked me because I wasnt the good christian girl they envisioned for their darling son.

He's a great father and the kids love him, obviously.

I just dont want to know what's a reasonable level of contact, I dont want to come across as a doormat (like I am now) and I dont want to come across as a hard nose bitch that doesnt "allow" him to see his kids enough.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 10/05/2011 11:49

then he can have his access at his parents expense

get him out of your house and get your dp in your bed!!

dont take anymore of his nonsense!!

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