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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking you don't sleep with your exes friends?

42 replies

nonamesavalible · 10/05/2011 00:02

I'm quite upset right now so please be gentle with me.
My husband of nearly 4 years and I split up 2 months ago due to his temper, since then things have gone ok between us and is is amicable, he sees the DCs nearly everyday and we are working on a friendship.
We hit a bump a couple of weeks ago as he wanted us to try again but I found out at the same time he has been on dating sites and seen a couple of local girls from the pub, thats fine he is single and we sorted the issues out and remained friends.

Anyway, I phoned him sunday morning to see if he was coming over to take DCs to the park and could tell he wasn't alone, but he agreed he was coming over.
An hour later he turns up, with a face full of guilt and admitted he has slept with a girl who was my best friend up until last month when we had a little fallout (nothing serious and I thought we would sort it out eventually), AIBU in thinking that is below the belt?

Then the girl turns up at MY house (she lives next door) to clear the air with me and starts making plans with him, I have no problem him seeing people and if she makes him happy then thats just great, but I can't get over the fact he slept with her knowing how well me and her got on, AIBU?

Sorry for the typing, I'm tired.

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 10/05/2011 00:12

people tend to sleep with people they know.

You can't seriously expect to delete everyone you know who your ex also knows.

Sorry it will sometimes upset you. But if you don't both live in separate cities, with separate circles of friends and neighbours, it can happen. It might happen to you or it might happen to your ex, or it might happen to both. More often it won't be sleeping with, it will be being friendly with. You can't prevent it and it wouldn't be sensible to try.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2011 00:15

well, I suppose you are BU, but they both sound like a pair of arseholes, tbh

just because it is possible or legal to do something, doesn't make it right IMO

TrillianAstra · 10/05/2011 00:18

They sound very rude, making plans at your house.

And he sounds like a bit of an idiot, claiming he wants to try again while also seeing other people.

But in general you can't seriously expect an ex to write off everyone you ever knew as a potential future girlfriend.

thefruitwhisperer · 10/05/2011 00:19

Its too soon to shack up with your mate. Perhaps later on but not now. YANBU.

Original poster
nonamesavalible · 10/05/2011 00:22

It's really not the fact it's someone I know (I know a couple of others) it's more the fact that she was my best friend up until recently, and also the fact that if it goes wrong I'm worried about tensions with her being my next door neighbour, I wouldn't want any bad feeling while hanging out the washing so to speak.

OP posts:
Granny23 · 10/05/2011 00:23

Many, many years ago when I split up from my long term boyfriend, every one of his friends (even the married one, and the one who was dating my BF) tried to get me into bed. I was totally amazed as none of them had shown any interest in me before, although we were all part of the same crowd. I told them all to get lost. The result was that I was no longer comfortable in that group and had to find new friends - my ex remained part of the group.

I realised that the blokes were trying to get one over on their 'friend' rather than actually fancying me. I think this is what is happening to you. He is sleeping with her to annoy you; she is sleeping with him to annoy you. Best you can do is ignore them - sounds like they deserve each other, while you deserve better friends/partner.

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 10/05/2011 00:29

My ex and I, had initially a very amicable split, but I think that was because we were respectful of each other and were not rubbing the new romances on each other noses.

TBH, no matter how amicable my split was, I would have flet disrespected at seeing my so called best friend doing plans with my exhusband at my house. That is too rude IMO. Actually, just sleeping with your friend's ex is -very- bad enough.

Original poster
nonamesavalible · 10/05/2011 00:36

I must say I don't even care that she came on to him (or so the story goes) but I am upset that he thought he could sleep with her (and to continue doing so) and I'd be completly happy with this arrangement, he tells me how much he cares for me and how he is doing this and that to sort out his issues so we can get back together and then completly disregards my feelings by doing this.

OP posts:
TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 10/05/2011 00:55

I didn't care about my ex's sleeping habits, but I would be annoyed with them anyway, it is not about feelings but plain basic bad manners.

Hedgerow7 · 10/05/2011 01:12

I agree with Granny23 above that he is doing this to annoy you.

With regard to those saying you can't decide who he can and can't sleep with well surely there has to be a line somewhere and best friend is one and nextdoor neighbour is another! Bloody hell they are both being insensitive gits who seem to want to make you suffer.

Stay cool, act unaffected but don't let them make plans together in your house again. I

Are you going to ask your ex how this helps you two get back together?

CareyFakes · 10/05/2011 07:07

They are both rude and highly insensitive, but I suspect he's acting out as he's hurt. Your friend should know better, as should he, both equally disrespectful to you.

Yes he's able to sleep with whomever he likes, as is your friend, but it's plain bad form to do so given the proximity, history and the situation.

I'd be upset, not through jealousy or love, but through the fact that neither considered it disrespectful enough not to do it.

ChippingIn · 10/05/2011 07:16

What an arsehole.

he tells me how much he cares for me and how he is doing this and that to sort out his issues so we can get back together

... whilst fucking anything in a skirt?

Secondly, it is hugely disrespectful of both of them to be shagging - which, let's face it, is all it is. There are plenty of people in the world without shagging your ex 's best friend and neighbour and that's without him wanting to get back together with you. Yes, that would work nicely wouldn't it Hmm

I love the fact that he's sorting out 'this & that' so you can get back together - it sounds like he thinks you don't get a say in it. Frankly, I'd tell him not to bother with 'this and that' on your behalf because he could turn into Mr Wonderful and you wouldn't even consider it.

toptramp · 10/05/2011 07:37

I have absolutely no respect for ''friends'' who sleep with my exes. Especialluy SERIOUS exes.

They are not true friends. I just wouldn't go there. Sloppy seconds imo! It's an unwritten code of friendship. Leave them too it but I do know how much it hurts.

toptramp · 10/05/2011 07:39

Also; never get back with him; or her. imo there are plenty of fish and shagging a mate's ex is a bit sad and pathetic and er ... unfriendly.

NinkyNonker · 10/05/2011 08:12

Yanbu, at all.

JumpOnIt · 10/05/2011 08:18

YANBU! Shockingly bad behaviour. You sound like you are being very reasonable about the whole thing. It's insensitive to say the least and making plans at your house is plain old rude!

PoppaRob · 10/05/2011 08:47

A wise old man once told me that a slice off a cut loaf is never missed. Once a relationship has ended both parties are fair game. Anything else reeks of "dog in the manger".

Icelollycraving · 10/05/2011 09:13

Yanbu. Your ex is an idiot,is this supposed to make you so riddled with jealousy that you accept him back on any terms? As for the friend/neighbour,she would have been given a v frosty reception! Rudeness!

Katyrah · 10/05/2011 09:26

YANBU

I would never sleep with anyone my best friend and just slept with, never mind been married too, had DCs with and had only broken up with 8 weeks ago!!!

I'm really shocked that your friend would do that too you, they both sound like dicks!!!

Leave them too it, obv you have to still see your ex but find some decent friends!!!

DameShirleyKnot · 10/05/2011 09:43

YANBU.

I can never get my head round the whole "oh it's ok, you're not together anymore...let it wash over your head" stuff that I see on here.

Fucking your best friend is just spiteful IMO, and probably indicative of his shitty nature. Oh, and the friend? Skank.

Honestly? I would have nothing more to do with her, and I think you need to get some sort of rigidity into the access agreements. It's very hard to move on when he's there everyday, even if that is ostensibly to see the children.

DameShirleyKnot · 10/05/2011 09:44

*head - unless you have more than one head? Blush

oxocube · 10/05/2011 09:49

Horrible and incredibly insensitive of them both. Neither are your friend Sad

QuackQuackBoing · 10/05/2011 10:06

I agree with OXO, neither of these people are your friend. You best friend shouldn't sleep with you husband (I'm assuming you aren't divorced yet) especially seeing as you have only been slit up 8 weeks! And your husband, ex or otherwise, shouldn't sleep with your best friend, especially when he wanted to get back with you just 2 weeks ago!

It sounds like they were both trying to punish you, her for your falling out and him for not taking him back.

UANBU

saffy85 · 10/05/2011 10:08

yanbu ino that is below the belt. Could your ex be attempting to make you jealous? He seems to date people you know, that now includes your mate- and he "confessed" to you the day after he slept with her. Even though it's nothing to do with you.

Oh and they hung around your house making plans about to do for later. Hmm Wankers. Both of them. You're better off without either of them.

PigletJohn · 10/05/2011 11:36

just to check, when a woman gets separated or divorced, or splits with her ex, is she allowed to hook up with anyone she already knows? Or is she required to go out looking for strangers?

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