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33 replies

MsToni · 09/05/2011 16:49

I could put this in Relationships but this isn't about me or relationships perse. Its just to understand if the general consensus is reasonable or not.

When I was at Uni, I did a research project on infidelity. I had the opportunity to canvass confidential opinions about infidelity from the male point of view.

Some men view sex as an activity much like brushing their teeth, shaving. It's a no strings attached diversion and they do not get attached. They are able to compartmentalize their lives and sex is just that - sex. They do it and its over.

While majority of the men who responded on (my blog) claim they would not cheat if they are in a stable and loving relationship, they want to have a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship with their partners because it's one of the ways they express their feelings.

The ones who are not in relationships had a more laissez faire attitude towards sexual activities.

I raised the issue of respect for women and the general responses seemed to be that it was mutual - the man and the woman are adults and know what they are getting into and if expectations are identical, there should not be any ill feelings.

I think there is a tendency to demonize men and see them as irresponsible where sex or related activities are concerned.

It will be interesting to see what the general thoughts are.

FWIW, I am very relaxed about my partners going to strip clubs, seeing escorts, having sexual exploration - as long as he is truthful, upfront and there is no emotional involvement.

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 06/02/2012 11:28

in a long term relationship for me being faithful is not the be all, i can accept that at times you may stray problem is it can so often become more than just about sex and i would never want to be with someone whso heart and mind are elsewhere. i have been that person cheating, i loved my partner still but i wanted to be with the other person, i thought about them when we were having sex, i wanted to be our for dinner with them not my partner and it was horrible for me to do that to someone at that point in time i had no respect for his feelings and for me respect and love are jsut as important

also i would not be comfortable with a partner going to strip clubs, seeing escorts and so on because i would not be happy with a man who feels it is ok to pay a women for his sexual gratification, its exploitation by far most of these women are suffering (but that is another debate)

YuleingFanjo · 06/02/2012 11:34

"I raised the issue of respect for women and the general responses seemed to be that it was mutual - the man and the woman are adults and know what they are getting into and if expectations are identical, there should not be any ill feelings"

this is true. Having sex with someone doesn't mean disrespecting them, not if bot people are willing and understand the circumstances in which the sex is taking place.

It has nothing to do with infidelity though.

People who do the whole marriage thing, or the committed relationship stuff but then fuck about behind the back of the person they claim to love - they are just shit people with no respect.

Can you define 'confidential' to me please?

You have all the research you needed presumably, what is the general consensus?

NorthernWreck · 06/02/2012 11:34

This is a bit of an odd OP, with a surprise revelation at the end!

Every woman I know can have no strings sex (and most have had plenty).
My 3 best friends have each slept with over 30 men, and many have been one night stands.
BUT, when a one nighter becomes a two or three nighter, or slips into that grey area where you are "just seeing each other" then, ime, it is women who tend to get hurt.
Often this is because men have a tendency to be a bit vague and slippery rather than saying "I fancy you but I definitly don't want a relationship with you".
And actually, when you are young, if they do say that you don't really beleive them anyway!

Personally, I have had quite a few one night stands, all of which have been fun, and simply put a spring in my step the next day, with no thought of anything more.
However, I have also been in the "just seeing each other" grey area, and always wind up getting a bit attached, and feeling hurt when it becomes clear they don't want to go out with me properly.

The older I get, the more able I am to a) compartmentalise and really know the difference between sex and love and b) refuse to enter into any more vague, casual flings. I know what I don't want anymore.

In my experience, and that of my friends, men just are more able to sleep with someone for months, even years, while not being anywhere near in love, and keeping their emotions separate.

Of course not all men can do this, and interestingly, as men get older I think they actualy beome more similar to women. The gap between men and women does seem to narrow and we share more common ground as we age.

NorthernWreck · 06/02/2012 11:36

Oh, also, OP-just bear in mind that some men pay prostitutes extra for sex without a condom, and some prostitutes are desperate enough for the money to do this.

YuleingFanjo · 06/02/2012 11:37

Actually what LaurieFairyCake was so much better!

sunshineandbooks · 06/02/2012 11:41

To come back to the OP, I think infidelity can have different implications for different relationships. In dingo's case, there is no sexual contact between her and her DH, so possible exposure to STD's etc is not a risk. In a long-term partnership where sex is no longer a feature, I think it can sometimes be best to continue rather than divorce, as the outcome for the woman can often be worse than simply staying. That's not to say it's right or wrong, but simply a statement of opinion based on thousands of examples.

The fact that dingo's H is not having sex with her possibly because he's having an affair, is a separate issue and one that would that I, in her situation, would have found intolerable to begin with so I probably would have left at that point. Now though, many years later, she may actually prefer it that way. It's up to dingo to decide for herself. I would echo Mal's advice to check the will though.

Infidelity in a relationship where sex is taking place between the married couple is unacceptable unless it has been agreed on as part of the relationship terms.

Infidelity with prostitutes/escorts, or visiting lap dancing clubs etc would see me running for the hills. Given that the overwhelming majority of women in these industries are exploited/trafficked/coerced/forced through desperation, any many that uses them without thought is a misogynist IMO. He is wilfully contributing to an industry that wrecks women for profit and contributes to the objectification of women outside the industry.

FWIW I can do no-feelings-sex-as-a-recreational-activity. I am quite attracted to the idea of an open relationship in theory, though I have concerns about how I would make that work in terms of sexual health, etc. However, I have always been faithful in my relationships because fidelity mattered to my partners and their feelings were more important to me than sex with others.

AaaarghAgain · 06/02/2012 11:45

#Never mind Dingo, hopefully he'll be dead quite soon and you'll have a good few years to have a decent life without him


TheParanoidAndroid · 06/02/2012 11:53

What kind of "study" did you do and are conducting here now ?

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