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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want the way I parent respected?

26 replies

Piggyleroux · 09/05/2011 13:05

I UP/AP whatever you want to call it with my 14 mo ds. Essentially, all it means for us is that we don't leave him to cry, co sleep and still bf. Dh was a bit Hmm about it all at first but he soon came round. We are all happy.

Mil is coming down this week and she has been bugging us for ages to babysit. She asked what time he goes to bed and I told her that he doesn't have a routine, he just goes when he's tired or when I or my dh goes up.

She was horrified and said that she will be sorting his sleeping habits out when she comes down. She said we need to preserver with getting him in his own room. She told dh that she will leave him to cry if need be. she has basically rubbished me to dh's brother and his wife and said I am too flaky with ds.

To make matters worse, my sister is going into hospital in two weeks for spinal surgery and I am trying to get her ds to bf from me (posted a thread about this on breastfeeding/bottle-feeding forum a couple of weeks ago) so god knows what she is going to think about that.

I now don't want her to babysit at all ever, if she can't respect how we parent ds. I am so mad grrrrr.

OP posts:
mypersonalfavourite · 09/05/2011 13:08

YANBU. Enjoy the visit :). It is, of course, none of her business.

Mishy1234 · 09/05/2011 13:12

I can understand why you are annoyed. We had a similar thing when PIL said they wouldn't babysit DS1 until 'we sorted his sleeping habits out'. This was despite the fact that we had never actually asked them to!

I think you just have to remain firm with your parenting beliefs and don't let her babysit. It's really none of her business tbh.

As for bf your nephew, that's quite a wonderful thing you're doing for your sister and her child. I haven't read your other thread, but I do hope you're successful.

We parented in a similar way to you with DS1 (and now DS2) and he co-slept until he was just over 3. We then asked him if he fancied his own bed in his own room and he made the transition extremely well. He still sometimes comes in with us, but he goes down in his own room with absolutely no bother.

squeakytoy · 09/05/2011 13:13

Dont have her to babysit then.

But dont expect her to want to be involved at a later stage either.

Personally I think you are slightly bonkers for not giving a child a regular routine, especially a bedtime, and it will make life very difficult if you do ever want to spend some time alone with your husband, as not many babysitters would want to offer their services.

Sirzy · 09/05/2011 13:16

She should respect you in the sense of not forcing change, however I see nothing wrong with questioning things (in the right way) there is nothing wrong with people express opinions on matters.

scaryteacher · 09/05/2011 13:16

You will need to have some sort of bedtime established when he goes to nursery/school as over tired children are hell on wheels for the staff that have to deal with them.

sickoftheholidays · 09/05/2011 13:17

I'm a routine person all the way here, but I would respect your right to parent however the hell you like. And as for getting your nephew to BF from you - good for you! I wish I'd had backup like that when my DD was little!

NinkyNonker · 09/05/2011 13:19

Of course they should respect your ways, but that won't stop them disagreeing or bot understanding though.

Fwiw, I think you can 'AP' and still have a routine. According to my well read friend DH and I are on the verge of being 'attached parents' (boak, and different to UP) in the respect that dd (9 mo) is bf, slung, co sleeping etc etc, but she still has a bedtime, a bedtime routine and regular daytime naps, albeit sometimes in the sling or rocked to sleep. I am not a stickler for routine by any stretch of the imagination but do think a bedtime one is a good idea.

But that wasn't your question I know, apologies for the waffle.

FreudianSlipper · 09/05/2011 13:20

i have the same problem and i was told i was wrong the other day because i do not use punishments or rewards how will my child grow up knowing right from wrong, what has he been born bad and needs to be made good through fear of punishment

i would not say i totally UP but along those lines. the ex has up until now sort of followed my way of parenting but is increasingly allowing his mother to influence him so i bought him the book, told him he does not need to read it cover to cover but i feel its important we both use the same techniques and that we educate ourselves in different ways of parenting and child development. added he may not agree but its worth (i thought) reading. well i was told he did not need to read a book, there is nothing wrong with ds (i know that) and that if there was a problem he would ask his friends or mum (didn't want to point out that she has bought up and self centered, cold, arrogant son and she still treats him like a 5 year old). he has a terrible habit of being sarcastic, fine with adults but not a 3 year old he does not get it and ds keeps getting upset thinking he is a silly boy (this is from him)

you just have to do what you feel is best and ignore her. thankfully my ex mil is in scotland (i am in london)

Mishy1234 · 09/05/2011 13:22

Just to add that from my (limited experience) there is something to be said for moving towards a regular bedtime. That doesn't mean to say that you have to stop co-sleeping etc, but as they start doing more during the day it does tend to catch up with them. I found the 1-1.5 stage relatively tricky, as they can start to drop naps etc. However, I do work part-time and DS1 started nursery 2 days when he was about 18 months, so he was pretty tired from that. If I had been at home with him full-time, then things may well have been different.

BUT, I don't think YABU. You are parenting in the way YOU want for YOUR child. It's a pretty trick balance and a bit like trying to hit a moving target IME!

FionnMacCunthill · 09/05/2011 13:23

ignore the silly woman

as for needing a routine when he goes to school, this will fall into place naturally when he does, so no need to establish anything before then

NinkyNonker · 09/05/2011 13:24

Yes, dd is bf to sleep on our bed at 7ish, where we join her later.

FreudianSlipper · 09/05/2011 13:26

and ds fell into a natural routine, only when he was really tiny did i go to bed at the same time and since going to nursery it has never been a problem. he tends to stay up later at the weekend as we are often out.

yoshiLunk · 09/05/2011 13:30

UP is difficult for the older generation to accept, they would have been taught routine. routine, routine, having said that OF COURSE she should support your style of parenting and not steam in to sort a routine out for you..

Oh, BOY, she's going to have kittens about you bf your nephew !! Grin , which by the way I think is a lovely thing of you to do for them both.

Good Luck.

wolfhound · 09/05/2011 13:30

Yes, she's being ridiculous. I am a BF/APish/UPish parent too. Although I did/do have bedtime routines from around 8/9 months - tea, bath, stories, BF then into cot to sleep (and from there into our bed when they woke up a bit later). Found having an evening routine really useful as they get bigger, and it gives them a happy start to the night (and us a bit of adult time). But it's not your MIL's business, and people who babysit need to respect the child's usual pattern and not try and force another one. No-one who has a bedtime routine would be happy with a babysitter who didn't put the child to bed, so why expect the reverse?

fedupofnamechanging · 09/05/2011 13:32

I don't think you can let her babysit. She will confuse your child by not doing what your child is used to. Personally, I think the bedtime routine will sort itself out when your child starts nursery/school and I don't think that there is anything wrong in what you are doing.

Our parents had their chance to raise their own kids as they saw fit, and while I think it's fine to give an opinion, a grandparent shouldn't take over and ignore what the parents have actively decided to do wrt routines/feelding/sleeping etc.

DoMeDon · 09/05/2011 13:33

YANBu to want your parenting respected but I can see how it is hard for some to understand and accept new ideas on parenting. It means they have to let go of their very set ideas and maybe call their own methods into question. It happens a lot in life- people become very defensive and aggressive when their ideas/methods/ways are questioned. That usually stems from a lack of self-esteem/confidence or knowledge.

Maybe you could try to be tolerant of her ignorance or insecurities and take the path of non-confrontational statements.

sherbetpips · 09/05/2011 13:39

So dont let her babysit? Your lack of routine is your choice and it works for you, however it does make it difficult for others to care for your child. If you dont need help great, if you do then be prepared to conceed for the time during which you need help. Everyone has a right to their own opinion and that includes your MIL.

constantlywrong · 09/05/2011 13:39

YANBU.

Have similar issue with MIL - we AP/UP/BF/BLW etc and she just stomps all over it. Totally get where you're coming from.

chicletteeth · 09/05/2011 13:42

Don't let her babysit and tell her why!

I did the same as you and my DS3 (now 17 months) is in his own cot but it's only been since mid-feb!

Not any of her business how you parent and if she is going to purposely do things you don't want, then you shouldn't leave her in charge

GiddyPickle · 09/05/2011 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElsieR · 09/05/2011 13:46

I agree with Sherbetpips. For your MIL your style of parenting is very strange because it is quite a modern approach IYSWIM. God for you for doing something you believe in but you can't expect everybody else to share your beliefs. And yes, I think it does make it easier for people to babysit when there is a routine to follow.
Great thing you are doing for your sis BTW.

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 09/05/2011 13:47

YANBU but you can't really expect people to come round to your way of thinking. It's a shame, but when you follow a style of parenting that is quite unusual or misunderstood, you are going to get people who disagree.

Just try and ignore the comments.

I remember your thread about BFing your sister's baby and just wanted to say again, best of luck with it :)

fedupofnamechanging · 09/05/2011 13:49

I think that even if you are doing someone a favour and babysitting for them, you should still look after the child in a way that is consistent with the parent's wishes. If it's too much like hard work, then a person has the right to decline babysitting. But I think it's wrong for them to say they'll babysit only if they get to stamp all over the parent's wishes and do it their way.

wordfactory · 09/05/2011 13:58

You must parent how you please, but be aware that if you will not allow her to babysit now you may be removing this avneue forever.

You might not think you'll ever want a night out with ypur Dp...but when the baby is a little older you probably will.

saffy85 · 09/05/2011 14:05

Different strokes for different folks and all that but this is YOUR son. Your MIL has had her turn raising her DC decisions made about your son's upbringing isn't up to her. Basically she should keep her beak out. And her methods are radically different to your own I'd strongly suggest she isn't the best person to babysit as it would probably distress your son too much if she's adamant she'd change things so much.