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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu or is my mother?

64 replies

wfrances · 09/05/2011 09:02

ds 1 birthday on thursday,my mum has arranged to take him for a meal saturday,invited my nan,sister and brother in law....thats it ,not me his dad or brothers and sisters??when i told her i thought she was unreasonable for making arrangements regarding my son and not including his immediate family she accused me of over acting ,started crying and hung up on me.
so whos being unreasonable?she thinks i am and i think shes gone mad.

OP posts:
PiousPrat · 09/05/2011 09:05

How old is your son? If he is 2, then I would say YANBU but if he is 16 then, yeah YABU a bit. context is key.

squeakytoy · 09/05/2011 09:05

Bizarre behaviour by your mother. He is 1, not 11, and is not going to be bothered about going out for a meal.

Why on earth would she not invite you? and she shouldnt be assuming she can just waltz off out with him without asking you first anyway!

squeakytoy · 09/05/2011 09:06

ah, I may have misread, I thought you meant it was his first birthday... Blush

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 09/05/2011 09:06

SIBU. Tell her no.

Chil1234 · 09/05/2011 09:07

How old is DS1? If he is 16 or older then dinner out with some members of the family would be OK. But if we're talking about a little kid, it's more normal to do everything as a family unit.

Original poster
wfrances · 09/05/2011 09:07

oops should have said its his 16 birthday,i call him ds1 because ive got 3 sons.

OP posts:
MaryBS · 09/05/2011 09:08

YANBU. I can see why she wants to do it, but its very selfish, and if you give in, it will lay the groundwork for similar activities which you won't have any say in either.

I was really upset when MIL and SIL wanted to take DD (then aged 2) for her first visit to Santa - to the best one in the area for miles around, and we weren't invited. So DH and I took her there a day earlier, and didn't tell them! :o

Chil1234 · 09/05/2011 09:08

16 is old enough to go out with the grannies and aunties solo....

MaryBS · 09/05/2011 09:08

I took it that he was 1, not 16! LOL. In any case, its not nice to leave you out.

saffy85 · 09/05/2011 09:12

Eh? It's your son's birthday and his parents and siblings aren't invited but his aunty, uncle, great gran and gran are? Bit weird. Why has your mum done that?

lesley33 · 09/05/2011 09:13

Not polite to leave you out, but not totally unreasonable either.

fedupofnamechanging · 09/05/2011 09:15

I think it's rude to leave you out. Surely a birthday should be celebrated with immediate family and that means parents and siblings before aunts and uncles.

Have you asked her why she's done this?

Also what does you son want to do? If he is okay with having the meal, then let him and have your own proper birthday celebration as well and not invite granny

Original poster
wfrances · 09/05/2011 09:15

i know hes old enough and he goes out for meals with mates ect..
the meal isnt an issue at all its the fact that without mentioning to me she had asked my sister and nan to go for a birthday meal with him and not us,i find that very hurtful and told her so ,which is when she accused me of over reacting.

OP posts:
pallymama · 09/05/2011 09:16

YANBU. She took it upon herself to organise your sons birthday celebration, and didn't invite you? I'd be pissed!
To me, the age thing is a bit irrelevant. I could perhaps understand it if she was taking him out with just some of his friends, but she's invited only family members, and missed out his parents and siblings. Very odd.

Original poster
wfrances · 09/05/2011 09:20

she said "the only reason i asked your sister was because me and your dad are boring old farts (my sisters 24)and your sister mentioned about your nan because she never goes anywhere"

OP posts:
anonacfr · 09/05/2011 09:20

I could understand if she wanted to take him out for a meal by herself as in a granny and grandson outing, but inviting some members of the family and not others is just plain weird.

squeakytoy · 09/05/2011 09:25

If he is 16 then fair enough to be honest. She wanted to take her grandson out for a meal, I wouldnt have a problem with that. Other people are tagging along too.

Are you also doing something for his birthday with him?

AccioPinotGrigio · 09/05/2011 09:25

If you normally get on very well with your mum, nan and sister then I would say it was downright weird for you not get an invite to the meal. It sounds like some sort of freaky power play on the part of your mum. They crying and hanging up the phone smacks of emotional blackmail. Is she usually the controlling type?

Original poster
wfrances · 09/05/2011 09:27

i am still fuming ,and when i went to see her last night ,she still thinks ive blown it all out of context.
she said,she didnt think id be well enough to go,didnt think his dad would want to go and cant afford to take the rest of my children.
but that still doesnt cut ,you still ask surely.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 09/05/2011 09:28

Rude and odd regardless of his age.

MerylStrop · 09/05/2011 09:31

what does your son want to do?

At 16 I think I might have been a bit "thanks nan, but I'm off to a dodgy club where I can get served a drink, with my spotty mates"

I guess she was well intentioned and trying to do something nice for him. But I totally see why you would be pissed off about her lack of communication

fedupofnamechanging · 09/05/2011 09:31

Maybe the arrangements morphed a bit out of her control. Seems like she only invited your sister because she is closer to your son in age and then somehow the nan got invited because your mum was feeling a bit guilty about her not going anywhere.

Perhaps suggest that you,DH and your other DC come along and you will pay for them.

I think if you are generally close, I'd let this go or it will impact on your son's birthday.

BelleEnd · 09/05/2011 09:31

I can see it from both sides. I remember my aunt doing this with me (I'm one of three) at that age because she wanted to make me feel special, wanted me to not have to share the limelight with my siblings for a bit. It made me feel lovely. :)

Original poster
wfrances · 09/05/2011 09:32

squeaky toy-thurs is his actual birthday and hes teaching class (hes a martial arts tigers instructor )and my mum is working thurs.
so he wanted an indian takeaawy either fri/sat night and of course as always i invite my family over .

OP posts:
bustersmummy · 09/05/2011 09:34

She was being rude and over stepping the mark.

Even if she wanted, as Granny, to take him out for his birthday, she should've called you and said "I was thinking of ....." to let you know, keep you involved and give you an idea of what was happening.

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