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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu or is my mother?

64 replies

wfrances · 09/05/2011 09:02

ds 1 birthday on thursday,my mum has arranged to take him for a meal saturday,invited my nan,sister and brother in law....thats it ,not me his dad or brothers and sisters??when i told her i thought she was unreasonable for making arrangements regarding my son and not including his immediate family she accused me of over acting ,started crying and hung up on me.
so whos being unreasonable?she thinks i am and i think shes gone mad.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/05/2011 09:35

No, you're not being unreasonable. That's really weird. Ask your Mum if she's upset about something and try to get to the bottom of it. It's very strange behaviour, proved by her crying. Odd. Confused

Original poster
wfrances · 09/05/2011 09:39

i asked him a while ago what he wanted and he said cash and indian ,
fine by me .then after yesterday he said hes not bothered as long as he eats..

OP posts:
MerylStrop · 09/05/2011 09:43

I trust you are now invited?

diddl · 09/05/2011 09:45

If she was doing it as well as something you were planning with immediate family, then that would be OK?

But as he only celebration & without parents & siblings-weird imo.

OP-were you intending to invite her to what you planned?

PinotGrigiosKittens · 09/05/2011 09:46

YANBU. She is being very odd!

Original poster
wfrances · 09/05/2011 09:46

so for those who think it is odd, how can i make her see ?she doesnt get it one bit.she is still saying i dont see what all the fuss is about,gone crying to my dad and sister saying a shouted at her ???

OP posts:
PinotGrigiosKittens · 09/05/2011 09:47

I'd talk to your dad and sister to see if they can help her understand? Horrid situation, poor you!

squeakytoy · 09/05/2011 09:49

Ok, maybe his nan said to him "what would you like for your birthday?" he says he isnt bothered, so she offers for her and grandad to take him out for a meal... his aunt casually mentions she wouldnt mind going.... and then your mum takes her mum (your nan?)...

It really wouldnt bother me, but we go out for meals a fair bit, sometimes the kids come, sometimes they dont.. (all adults now). Sometimes we take my MIL, sometime the kids take my MIL out with them... it is always informal, so nobody gets the hump if they are not included.

Original poster
wfrances · 09/05/2011 09:51

she would have been invited she knows that ,always is and my sister ect..
thats the dilemma now ,his dad has got his back up with her steamrolling in again..and doesnt want to see her (stayed in the car ,when i went to see her last night) my dd whos 14 has said shes not going cause she wasnt invited and is also hurt.

OP posts:
jeckadeck · 09/05/2011 09:59

yes this is quite weird, particularly as he's too young to understand or appreciate it. Is there a history here? have you or your partner had a recent falling out with her?

shmoz · 09/05/2011 10:06

Oh your poor DS caught up in all this! For his birthday! I would have been mortified if that was me, and probably not wanted to celebrate at all knowing it was the cause of a family rift.

Your mum's behaviour does seem a bit odd (ie in that she didn't run the arrangements past you or your DS first), but I think the most important thing now is to salvage the situation for the sake of your DS.

Probably best if you can get some communication going, all get together for the meal, you pay for whoever you need to, and make sure DS feels special.

Hope you can sort it out

diddl · 09/05/2011 10:06

Did she think that you would want to do something just as a family?

I can see how she might be thinking that this is her treat & she hasn´t included you, husband & siblings as you are free to do what you want to celebrate your son´s bday.

Original poster
wfrances · 09/05/2011 10:09

no fallings out at all with us ,she had a barny with her brother the day before.
history -this is my eldest son .i lived at home with him and them until he was 8 months old.
she has over stepped the boundaries with him many times.not lately mind.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/05/2011 10:24

I wouldnt say that taking a 16yo out for a meal is overstepping any boundaries to be honest.

diddl · 09/05/2011 10:29

Well it isn´t really, is it squeaky, & it doesn´t prevent OP from also doing something.

But it might have been nice to ask OP what was planned and/or mention that you would like to take just GS (and a few others) out for his bday.

OP-the fact that she can´t pay for you all-is that an excuse for not wanting you there?

I´m sure most parents wouldn´t expect to be paid for & even if GPs had "organised it for them" would pay their own way.

Original poster
wfrances · 09/05/2011 10:58

diddl- money isnt it ,she not poor..but i would have paid for of us anyway .

OP posts:
Original poster
wfrances · 09/05/2011 11:04

squeakytoy-i agreee taking a 16 yr old for a meal is not over stepping the boundaries,but to omit his parents and siblings and invite other members of the family is hurtful and is as far as im concerned wrong.

OP posts:
diddl · 09/05/2011 11:08

But why shouldn´t she do her own celebration?

It´s not as if it´s an enormous party, just a meal.

squeakytoy · 09/05/2011 11:11

As I said though, in our family, various members often go for meals, without inviting every other family member, and none of us get upset by it. Its just part of family life.

Original poster
wfrances · 09/05/2011 11:11

what sort of family unit does different birthday celebrations?
and as i pointed out to her ,you wouldnt dream of doing this with any of my other children.she didnt answer me.

OP posts:
diddl · 09/05/2011 11:14

"she said,she didnt think id be well enough to go,didnt think his dad would want to go and cant afford to take the rest of my children."

I missed that postBlush, which does make it sound as if she has organised the only celebration, rather than something additional to the main one.

What does your son want to do?

He doesn´t have to go, does he?

Original poster
wfrances · 09/05/2011 11:19

diidl,when i asked him last week he said the usual ,which is every one comes over ,mum bakes a fab cake ,we have a massive indian.
now hes says as long as long as he eats he doesnt care.(hell be 16)
and being 16 ,i feel as though i cant say to him ,you cant go.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/05/2011 11:20

Our family does "multiple" birthday celebrations quite often.

For example, my MILs recent birthday.

I took her out to lunch and we went shopping the day before.

My husband, myself, one adult grandson and his partner, and their child took her out for lunch on the day itself (as it was a sunday).

Later in the week her adult grandaughter and partner, the same grandson and his partner, and the same child took her out one evening for a meal.

Nobody got upset at not being invited to the sunday lunch meal, or missing out on the later in the week meal.

Original poster
wfrances · 09/05/2011 11:28

as you mentioned earlier your children are grown up
when they were younger and all living with you
(mine are very close in years 7,13,14,15)
and your mum told you, they were taking the eldest out for his birthday with your sister and other family members....thats it end of convo..you wouldnt be dumbstruck.
i actually thought i wasnt hearing right,came off phone and thought did she really just say...
his dad is upset, my 14 yr old daughter is upset, and im upset
i would never dream of taking a child and not the rest in any cicumstance.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 09/05/2011 11:33

I think its odd. Its the Sat night closest to his irthday so traditionally in our family the night you would do you main celebration. Why on earth wouldn;t you have the family on mass - why would you even assume that his parents and siblings wouldn;t want to come.

Surely a normal response would be "we would like to take X out for his birthday but can;t afford to pay for everyone - how does this fit in with what you had planned? Do you want us to do it all together or shall we take him out separaretly"

Surey thats the way it works in normal families Confused Why would you arrange it assuming that parents wouldn't want to come?