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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in using porn as way of getting myself in the mood...

36 replies

smoiagain · 08/05/2011 21:21

Going anon for this one. Happily married, 3dcs under 5, sex drive has taken a nose dive since small kids. Can go for a few weeks of nothing. I know it bothers DH so I've been trying harder... maybe a bit too hard?
I would cringe with embarrassment if DH found out but the past few times to get myself in the mood, I have had a quick peek at some porn. Not usually my cup of tea at all and I would hate if DH was getting off on it (!) which of course makes me a hypocrite.
I have such a low sex drive and would be more than happy to leave it for months on end.
So for DH I feel maybe this should be my little secret. He doesn't need to know. I am doing it for him after all. I look at it, get turned on, go find DH, we have a really good ahem, session, everybody happy. Right? Wrong, I feel guilty about my little secret.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
sprinkles77 · 08/05/2011 21:26

Hmmm. DH might feel a bit put out that the porn turns you on in a way that he doesn't. YANBU, but maybe you could watch the porn together then you would feel less bad, and he will probably find the whole idea really horny. He'll look at you in a whole new light, and you might find that it makes you both more open and bring a new pervy dimension to your love life. Who knows, you might find that he starts to turn you on a whole lot more? Have fun!

squeakytoy · 08/05/2011 21:30

I dont think you are at all unreasonable. I also agree with Sprinkles too, it could be a great way to spice it up for you both as a couple as well. :)

OldMumsy · 08/05/2011 21:32

Do what you need to do and ignore the naysayers xx

RevoltingPeasant · 08/05/2011 21:33

Yeah, I third sprinkles' idea. I think it is quite normal that your desire for 'ordinary' sex might go away at such a stressful time. It is really nice that you are recognising your DH's desires and doing something positive for you and your relationship. I would tell him, unless it's something quite extreme I doubt he'd react badly.

horriblemotheragain · 08/05/2011 21:33

no, yanbu. i would do teh same if i had time! and would be mortified to look at porn with dh... cringe. whatever works for you!

LaurieFairyCake · 08/05/2011 21:33

Do you feel guilty because of not telling him or because you object to porn?

You clearly object a bit as you don't want him to watch it Grin

Maybe you could pop over to the feminist threads and see why so many are against porn (the stuff you're finding will generally be exploitative).

Perhaps instead you could use some (free) erotic fiction to get you in the mood - much less exploitation there.

BeerTricksPotter · 08/05/2011 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pumpster · 08/05/2011 21:34

You should post this in the feminist section and see what they say, lol.
I say go with it!

GypsyMoth · 08/05/2011 21:36

i am neutral regards porn,however,many,many threads here about women finding dh's porn habits and how it makes them all feel

replace him with you in that scenario....still happy?

LittleMissFlustered · 08/05/2011 21:47

Literotica has oodles of free stories. Always worth a shot. If you have a kindle you can get a daily naughty sent as well.

Malificence · 08/05/2011 21:53

How would you feel if your DH was not very interested in sex with you, then you found out he would only have sex with you after looking at porn to get turned on - like shit I would imagine. Sad

If you are keeping it a secret from him, you know it's wrong.
If you are having good sex with him, why the need for outside stimulation?

GypsyMoth · 08/05/2011 21:57

one rule for one,and different rule for another!! Hmm

Mumofaflump · 08/05/2011 22:10

I second littlemussflustered Try Literotica or Cliterati.

I read them all the time heard about them somewhere.

K999 · 08/05/2011 22:12

DO NOT post this in the feminist section......they will roast you alive!! Grin

AnyFucker · 08/05/2011 22:33

do people think that feminists don't use the AIBU section ??? Wink

SybilBeddows · 08/05/2011 22:37

YAdefinitelyBU if it is random porn off the internet.

too much risk the women involved are being coerced/have addictions/are survivors of abuse with mainstream stuff.

relationship issues aside, if you are going to keep on doing it please please find something that you can be sure has been made without performers being harmed. Porn is a very unpleasant industry and I'm sure you don't actually want to support abuse.

EllieG · 08/05/2011 22:38

YABU in using porn. Use something else - there's some good suggestions given. Pornography shows women being abused. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it does. If you need something to arouse yourself, maybe talk to your DP a bit more - bit more emphasis on foreplay? Do some difference things?

EllieG · 08/05/2011 22:40

different things, sorry, typo

Original poster
smoiagain · 09/05/2011 08:46

Hello All,

Thank you for the messages, lots of food for thought there. The suggestions are really helpful too. I hadn't really given the whole porn thing much thought so thanks for prodding my consciousness. I'll definitely give the erotic stories a try. A few weeks ago DH and I had been out and when we got home I was in the mood but he fell asleep! I had had a few drinks so got it into my head to have a look at some porn online. It worked wonders! I looked again a few nights ago (sober) and then went and found DH and we had great sex. I felt guilty though as he was totally oblivious....
Yes the guilt because I was witholding it from him as we usually tell each other most stuff, we are open with each other emotionally especially so I just felt as though I had betrayed him.
The other thing is that when we first got together I found out a few unsavoury things about DH (he had used a prostitute not long before meeting me and was planning on doing it again) so the sex industry etc became a bit of a taboo in our relationship as I was absolutely disgusted that he had done this. He also looked at porn on a regular basis and had some pics of scantily clad women as his screen saver. I expressed my "views" that I didn't feel comfortable about it and he didn't do it anymore. Ah he probably does every now and again but I've always said to him to be discreet if he feels the need. After all, we went months without sex during my 2nd and 3rd pregnancy and I felt it would be unrealistic of me to expect him not to have a look at some harmless porn every now and again.

Sorry this is so long. Anyway I am convinced now that I was being unreasonable and so I will give the erotic literature a go.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/05/2011 08:50

Good luck x

sickoftheholidays · 09/05/2011 08:50

mmm. Tough one. I dont see a problem with people using soft porn as a couple to spice things up a little, hard core stuff though, to turn yourself on before sex with a partner I would find a bit off if I found out DH was doing it, and my golden rule is If I dont want someone to do it to me, I shouldnt do it to them.

Original poster
smoiagain · 09/05/2011 09:22

Yes, that made me think too. What I did was thoughtless and I will not do it again. If I found DH was doing the same, I would be upset and hurt. Thing is, it's me that has the libido problem, not him. He has a healthy sex drive and I think he'd be happy with 2ce a week at this stage of our lives, kids being so young etc.

Me, well I'd happily leave it for weeks or even months. Just can't be bothered with it. Have 3 small children pulling at me all day "Mummy mummy mummy" and then come evening I'm just totally spent.
But I'm more in tune with DH now and know it's better for our marriage to "just do it" even when I'm not in the mood. Usually that has a good outcome anyway.

OP posts:
florencedougal · 09/05/2011 12:34

enjoy it, cheaper than sex counselling

no harm in it

squeakytoy · 09/05/2011 12:51

Pornography shows women being abused. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it does

I assume you missed the word "some" from the beginning of your sentence. :)

SardineQueen · 09/05/2011 13:02

You sound very sensible smoiagain!

Good luck with the naughty stories Wink Grin