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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad at family's reaction to pregnancy

40 replies

Mumtomaybebabybella · 08/05/2011 20:48

My family are not the most supportive of families. They are there when everything is going well in your life but as soon as life presents problems they are the first to point them out and be unsupportive.

Anyway DH and I have 4 dcs between us, youngest 18months. I am 37. Not in an ideal situation, DH's job contract ends soon and we are in a small cramped house sharing with 18m ds and need to move soon as he still wakes a lot at night.

Despite using contraception we found out recently that I am pg. I was shocked and scared at first although I could see the positives, once DH gets a job (which I am confident he will)and we move to a bigger flat then although life will be chaotic I am sure everything will be fine. I do worry about DS and feel sad that he will not be my baby for much longer and have generally been very emotional. I am looking forward to having a new baby though, although DH will get the snip after this!

I have also felt ill for the last 6 weeks (am 12 weeks), tired and nauseous, which has got me down a bit.

Anyway I couldn't put it off any longer and told my mum today, she was pretty mean to me and just went on at me, how are you going to manage, how on earth will you afford it, etc etc. Then said my gran would have the same reaction. I said, can you tell her then as I don't want to. My mum phoned me back to say that my gran reacted "as predicted" and does not know either how we will manage and is worried for us.

Not once did anyone ask me how I have been, after my health, anything like that. I feel really tearful tonight. My sister (who has been really nice and supportive)is trying for a baby - her first - and I know when she gets pg she will be treated very differently, whereas I will be treated like a second class citizen who should be ashamed of my pregnancy. I know this because they treated me like this when I had my eldest as a single mum and was treated like dirt the whole time, I used to feel when I sat in the antenatal clinic that I did not deserve to be there like the other mums.

I can't really tell them how I feel as my gran has been very ill recently though they would have reacted like this anyway. Just feel very hurt and upset. I also have to tell work who will be nasty to me as well I think as I am not long back from mat leave so am dreading that.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 08/05/2011 20:52

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. Your mum is bound to be worried about how you will cope, as you would be the first to admit the situation isnt ideal. Mums worry, you cant stop them doing that, and its only because they care usually.

It was probably a shock, and she will come round to the idea and be more supportive, but give her time to get over the surprise.

ramblingmum · 08/05/2011 20:54

Congratulations. I'm glad you are looking forward to your baby.Sorry I have no advice, but I hope your mum is a bit more possitive soon

GypsyMoth · 08/05/2011 20:54

yes,agree with squeaky i'm afraid!!

FudgeGirl · 08/05/2011 20:55

I agree with Squeakytoy. It certainly doesn't sound ideal, and your mum is just worried about you. I'm sure she'll come round - she's just concerned about your situation.

separated · 08/05/2011 20:55

I'm so sorry that you haven't had the reaction that you hoped for. However, it does sound to me that they are reacting like this because they care. They are worried for you.
I hope it all goes well.and that your situation improves.

Firawla · 08/05/2011 20:57

Congratulations! I'm sorry they are reacting like that, okay sometimes mums may worry but once you are pregnant and you are happy about it yourself the only thing to do is congratulate and support not keep putting a dampner on it and react negatively. Maybe after the news sinks in a bit more they will come round. It may be hard but just try to ignore the reaction i think, or else be honet with your mum and explain her you find it hurtful

florencedougal · 08/05/2011 20:57

maybe you are over reacting or being oversensitive

your mum is worried for you, thats what mums do - its natural that she is going to think about how you will cope cramped up with no job :(

FabbyChic · 08/05/2011 20:58

I agree with squeaky too, your mothers first thought was shit how are you going to cope with two young children, especially since your home is already too small. She obviously is worrying about the financial side of it too, to be honest someone has to because these things don't just come right.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 08/05/2011 20:59

Nasty of your mother to use your ill grandmother as a defence. I don't agree with the others actually. You're a grown woman, not a teenager and it's very sad that they made you feel so bad about your first child :(

cerealqueen · 08/05/2011 21:03

YANBU. Your mum is concerned, as were you, but ideally that shouldn't be her first reaction. Once things have settled down perhaps you can talk to her about it?

lollystix · 08/05/2011 21:06

I feel for u - in slightly similar position myself. Got 3 little ones and found out pregs (unplanned) on Monday. My mum has been kind but my dad was underwhelmed when I told him today - all the 'we'll you'll have to move, what about your car, how will u cope etc?'. I really felt like shouting 'what part of 'unplanned' don't u understand?'. I actually think it's his own anxieties he's transferring as hated the toddler years himself. I'm also dreading telling work as only back 5 weeks and this will be my 4th mat leave in 4.5 years. Keep strong in yourself and maybe lie low for a while - I find families love to make a drama. (well my dad and stepmum do cos they have very little going on in their lives and judge everyone's choices by their own preferences).

BlueFergie · 08/05/2011 21:07

Congratulaions on your news.
I don't agree with the others either. You are a grown woman who is aware of the difficulties with having another child but are nonetheless happy to be pregnant. Your mother was wrong to be so negative and to upset you. She should have congratulated you and perhaps in few weeks gently brought up some of her concerns and offered what help and support she could to you.
I think she was well out of order.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/05/2011 21:07

Sorry that you're upset, OP, but you can't wonder that your Mum and Grandmother are worried for you. Your home situation isn't ideal, you've posted that yourself, and you're not very well.

You're not unreasonable to feel sad that your family aren't thrilled at your news but that happens sometimes and it's understandable really. I wish you well and hope you are better soon.

HumphreyCobbler · 08/05/2011 21:08

The OP said her Mum was mean to her and just went on at her. She did not ask about her health, how she was feeling, offer her any support through the difficulties they could see for her, she just berated her for something that the OP cannot change now.

I think you deserve much better support OP, both from you Mum and from some posters on here.

GypsyMoth · 08/05/2011 21:11

can i ask how you intend to move to a bigger flat?

is your place on the market now?

GypsyMoth · 08/05/2011 21:12

or is it social housing?

inanna12 · 08/05/2011 21:14

i agree with gwendoline. anyone actually been pregnant here?! i remember it as the times i was most vulnerable, in need of reassurance, emotional and reactive to everything. op, you're allowed to be all these things; just cos it's not your first pregnancy and the timing or whatever doesn't seem optimum, you're still in need of support.

i am currently in the middle of a family feud which is relevant here because it has come about through me realising how unsupportive my parents are, and how their disdain/lack of acceptance of me and my life is often covered up by statements like "we'll support you whatever you do" and "we just want you to be happy". i'm fairly sure my parents are ignorant of the mixed messages they give me; op, maybe your mum is too? maybe she takes it as read that you understand she supports you and feels she therefore has some licence to criticise?

can you tell her that you'd like her support, not criticism?

congratulations on your pregnancy!

Jix · 08/05/2011 21:19

first of all just want to say a massive CONGRATULATIONS!! [big grin]

it's great that you're pregnant and that you're happy and excited about it.

i think it's sadly true, that if you have more children, each pregnancy attracts less and less attention or enthusiasm from friends and family. i have friends who've found exactly the same thing, no matter what their personal circumstances were.

the thing is when you're pregnant, for you it's as special as the first time round and it's understandable you want people to share that.

try not to get too downhearted though by their reaction. i think other posters are right, that they are just worried about you. could you just tell them though that you just want them to be happy on your behalf??

(also tillytulip you're being a little bit nosey aren't you?? don't really see how that is any of your business!)

Jix · 08/05/2011 21:20

ah shame.. there isn't a [big grin] picture but you know what i mean! Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/05/2011 21:22

Should parents just blithely say the things their children want to hear then, regardless of how the parents feel? My Mum wouldn't and to be honest, I wouldn't want her to, I'd rather she be honest. What does 'support' actually mean? To say, "there, there, it doesn't matter that you're having a struggle, it will all come out in the wash". Sorry, but to me that's meaningless and really unhelpful. I appreciate that not everybody would see it the same way and that's fine.

Adults make their own decisions in life, their own mistakes, and whilst a parent can love you no matter what you do and accept your decisions, it doesn't mean they will jump for joy if they are worried and concerned.

Original poster
Mumtomaybebabybella · 08/05/2011 21:23

hi, we are going to rent out our house that we own and use the rent to pay for a 4 bedroom place.

I do understand that my mum is worried but I know this will be it for the next six months, rather than offer support or advice it will just be constant, have you found a new place yet, have you weaned DS off the breast yet because you'll have to do that, well, I just don't know how you're going to cope - just setting out the problems which I am fully aware of. I was feeling quite calm and ok about the whole thing but now I just feel stressed and panicky and also like I am about 15 years old.

Thanks for supportive posts, and for understanding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtomaybebabybella · 08/05/2011 21:24

lyingwitch I guess to me support means saying, I recognise that this is not ideal and that you will face problems but we are your family and we are here for you. Which is far from the reaction I did get.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/05/2011 21:25

That sounds like a plan, OP. Best wishes to you, and you know that your Mum and Gran will love the baby when it arrives.

GypsyMoth · 08/05/2011 21:25

jix....its posted for the world to see,get over yourself!! nosey my arse!!

i can see why your mother is worried op. does she help you out alot? maybe she can see the reality of the situation,hence her worry

Original poster
Mumtomaybebabybella · 08/05/2011 21:26

No, she doesn't ever babysit or help with the kids though we do see her often.

OP posts:
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