to feel sad at family's reaction to pregnancy

[Mumtomaybebabybella]

My family are not the most supportive of families. They are there when everything is going well in your life but as soon as life presents problems they are the first to point them out and be unsupportive.

Anyway DH and I have 4 dcs between us, youngest 18months. I am 37. Not in an ideal situation, DH's job contract ends soon and we are in a small cramped house sharing with 18m ds and need to move soon as he still wakes a lot at night.

Despite using contraception we found out recently that I am pg. I was shocked and scared at first although I could see the positives, once DH gets a job (which I am confident he will)and we move to a bigger flat then although life will be chaotic I am sure everything will be fine. I do worry about DS and feel sad that he will not be my baby for much longer and have generally been very emotional. I am looking forward to having a new baby though, although DH will get the snip after this!

I have also felt ill for the last 6 weeks (am 12 weeks), tired and nauseous, which has got me down a bit.

Anyway I couldn't put it off any longer and told my mum today, she was pretty mean to me and just went on at me, how are you going to manage, how on earth will you afford it, etc etc. Then said my gran would have the same reaction. I said, can you tell her then as I don't want to. My mum phoned me back to say that my gran reacted "as predicted" and does not know either how we will manage and is worried for us.

Not once did anyone ask me how I have been, after my health, anything like that. I feel really tearful tonight. My sister (who has been really nice and supportive)is trying for a baby - her first - and I know when she gets pg she will be treated very differently, whereas I will be treated like a second class citizen who should be ashamed of my pregnancy. I know this because they treated me like this when I had my eldest as a single mum and was treated like dirt the whole time, I used to feel when I sat in the antenatal clinic that I did not deserve to be there like the other mums.

I can't really tell them how I feel as my gran has been very ill recently though they would have reacted like this anyway. Just feel very hurt and upset. I also have to tell work who will be nasty to me as well I think as I am not long back from mat leave so am dreading that.

thanks lyingwitch for good wishes.

My mum would still worry about me as if I was 15 when I was 40. They never stop.

My stepdaughter is desperate to get pregnant at the moment, but she is in a crappy job, her husband has just lost his job, and they are broke, so if she told us she was pregnant right now, I would be pleased, but I would also be worried about how she was going to cope too.

Tell your mum exactly what you have said here, that you understand why she is concerned, but her support and advice is what you would appreciate the most.

Of course mothers worry but a preferable reaction would have been congratulations and how are you. Other issues can always be raised afterwards.

Lyin-there is a big difference between being practical and being critical. The OP became accidentaly pregnant, it happens. If it were me i would ask if it was what my daughter wanted and then work through her problems with her, thats what mums are for (My DD's are grown up). There is times as a parent that you keep your worries to the back of your mind and do what will be the most helpful (the OP is 37 remember not 17). No woman should go through their pregnancies feeling like dirt and if her mother made her feel like that then she isn't fit to call herself a mother.

Whats important is the OP and her DH ability to be parents and how they feel about the pregnancy. They are willing to work and own their own home. The OP mother needs to get a sense of perspective. Also in alot of ways life does have a way of sorting its self out. The basics are in place for this situation to work. You don't have the right to make another adult feel miserable about a situation that they cannot change.

I'm so sorry OP

how would she react if you were honest about how you felt?

Give her time she will come around. MIL said to us "oh how are you going to manage", eh we are 29/32 have 2 other dc are both professionals who own house "eh, just fine thank you very much" it's very dissapointing, FIL didn't mention it for 2 whole days but they are both over the moon and keep are excited now, slow burners.

DH isn't even their baby ffs, god knows what it will be like when he decides to reproduce.

sorry changed that last bit and now it doesn't make sense, point was they are now happy.

Congratulations.

I have never understood why people go all mad and horrible when a pg is announced. Its not like its going to change anything. Unless they are telling you to terminate, what the bloody hell is the point it ranting at an already pregnant woman.

Its not the end of the bloody world, far from it. Its a huge and wonderful, fantastic blessing.

The OP is a grown woman in a steady relationship.

A baby! How lovely HURRAY.

Congratulations.

I'd put some distance between you and your Mum and the family for a while.

My family and DH are similar - DH made unexpectedly redundant weeks before third DC was born - we got so told off by family as how would we manage . I realise they were worried but their attitude didn't help us sort the situation just added to what we were dealing with on that and many other occasions.

You have a plan and you are happy - ignore and concentrate on you and your DC.

Congratulations first off

YANBU to feel hurt and lets face it, when the future looks a bit uncertain or a struggle the last thing you need is the reaction that you got from your mum. There are ways of wording concerns in these circumstances and your mum made a hash of it. Doubt she meant to upset you though.

My gran was the same as yours when I told her I was expecting (unplanned) DC2. "How will you manage dear? You wont struggle will you? Your DP wont lose his job like those other poor souls?" Born worrier bless her. I ended up reassuring her it'd all turn out fine despite being worried sick myself. My gran then rang me 2 days later to apologise. She'd been so worried about me she'd forgotten to congratulate me and it had only just occurred to her that she hadn't but should have.

Didn;t MN agree about 20 million years ago that the ONLY suitable response to a prgnancy announcement is "congratulations" or "how lovely". Concerns about money etc should be bitten back and possible aired very gently at a later date.

does your mum know your husband is about to be unemployed?

I am so sorry that your family are not being supportive. If it is any consolation mine are being equally cool to the idea of our 3rd. When I told my Nan her response was 'Oh jealous of your SIL were you'. Nice, we had been trying for over a year and I had a miscarriage last summer (which she doesn't know). It hurt a lot. My mum was very cool about it all and MIL has said 'How will you cope?' Both of them had 3. I still feel that my mum is forcing herself to ask how the pregnancy is going.

I have got tougher to it now. I am 33 weeks now and I am sure they will be happy when the little bubba is here.

I hope that they mellow in time, that your DH gets his work sorted and your move goes smoothly.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable!
What you need from your mum and gran etc is encouragement and support - not to be treated as though you got pregnant for the sole purpose of pissing them off and worrying them. You were taking contraception and even if you weren't, it's your life and I'm sure you and your DH will do a grand job of sorting out the challenges ahead. It's their perogative if they want to worry; equally, if they wanted to, they could keep their worries to themselves to avoid disheartening you. Your situation may not be "ideal" but you and your DH sound like you will cope fabulously...Lots of people get pregnant in far from ideal circumstances but they manage, and I'm sure you'll be brilliant.
As others have said, your mum and gran are acting like this because they care, and maybe don't realise what a negative/ unhelpful impact it has. My parents are similar (they're right stressers) and I know they are acting the way they do out of love but it can still be quite difficult.
New life, a lovely new addition to your family, is all so exciting - so congratulations!! Hopefully as the others have said, as time goes on and you have your child, your mum and gran will calm down and won't be able to imagine life without him/her.