My dc's have friends on our street but they don't want to play with them all the time! Any advice?

[Clockchange]

My two spend a lot of time with these children, playing out and in each other's houses, but there are times when they have schoolfriends over for tea/sleepovers and they don't always want them involved. It gets very awkward!

Trouble is the other two are naturally more dominant than ours (and their friends) Twice recently my youngest (aged 7) has had a schoolfriend round and because they were playing out and my neighbour's son joined them, he expected to come in with them when they did. Then he'd start, organising a team game so he and ds's friend were playing against my ds which ended in tears, persuading ds's friend to run off and hide, again leaving ds out, and he completely trashed ds's room, cupboards emptied, everything upside down On each of these occasions my ds had a different friend but my neighbour's son acted the same, (I don't know what our foreign students thought who were staying with us!) so both times I took him back to his mum. Her reaction was "Oh bless him, look how left out he looks"

His older sister is a bit like this too with my eldest if she has a friend round. They each had a friend this morning and stayed for lunch, but when the other two knocked I just told them they had friends round and wouldn't be free until late afternoon. It didn't stop them knocking though, and after myself, dh and dd had told them on three separate occasions we just ignored the door. Then the notes started coming through the letterbox, the first from my neighbour's dd aged 10 saying her and her brother were putting on a show for "all the children in our house to watch!" and gave a time.

Soon afterwards another note appeared from her brother saying "PLEEEEASE COME AT 11 o'clock!" I went round there and politely said the children and their friends wouldn't be free as they just wanted some time on their own but our two would knock when their friends had gone. Half hour later the older one knocks for my dd, tearful, in a state and saying all her practising had been wasted! My dd's friend who is older than our children, (13!) hadn't been keen on going round there as she doesn't know them, and I didn't want to force her. My dh stepped in at this point and said "Look we're not free until much later, you were told earlier so you can't blame us for your time being wasted". She didn't like this at all and then came back with her mum who asked what was going on. She was v apologetic, her dd had been pestering to invite our two to watch this play not telling her they had friends round. She then marched her home and it's been all quiet since

I need to sort all this otherwise summer hols will be a nightmare won't they! These children don't seem to have others round that much, I think they just rely on ours

It's difficult we are having something similar these two boys from my DS's class have been round a lot recently. Sometimes I/we just need to relax and have a quiet time. But other boys clearly are not wanted in their own homes so either wander round the streets or keep trying to get in here. It's driving me mad. We have just been away for the weekend to try and get some peace. One of them 7 kept phoning my mobile from his mums mobile to ask when we sould be back (we'd only been on the road 10 minutes). We are in now but with the curtains drawn.

sounds like the mum is on your side

I sympathise Janeybo! We've not yet had a weekend away to escape it but if we're planning to go out and then see their car drive off, we'll sometimes delay our outing until about the time they're getting back. Sometimes it's anything for a few hours of peace in your own home

Yes Stealth, I felt she was more on our side today than when she commented on how "left out" her ds must be feeling, after I'd agreed to have him in under pressure and he'd more or less trashed our house! That made me so

Thing is though, our children aren't perfectly behaved all the time but they do know that NO means NO! That's a NO if it comes from us, and certainly if it comes from anybody else. These other two are always trying to push the boundaries and NO just doesn't seem to mean anything to them!

Funny isn't it. I would kill for my DD to have people to play with in our road, but there are none!

Sounds like a bloody nightmare for you though.

What a nightmare. I think you and you DH handled it really well. Keep up the good work!

There's a boy who lives down our street, and he and my DS used to play together loads. He's older than my DS - one school year but nearly 2 years in age. Recently my DS has been getting very upset at the thought of playing with this boy, as he has been getting more and more demanding, and quite violent. DS has begged me not to invite him here, or send DS round there, ever again. I will of course respect his wishes, but it's hard when the boy is knocking on our door and can see that my DS is at home, and I am friends with his mum too, so it's doubly awkward!

Yes Bleachbabe, I'm friends with these children's mum too! My dh will come home from work and see chaos everywhere when these two have been in, and will tell me I was mad to let them in after the last time! I explain yet again that because their mum and I are friends, and especially if they'd recently invited our children there I'd have felt very bad saying no! He replies with the usual "Yes but our kids don't wreck THEIR house!" I know he's right and I survey the mess wishing I HAD actually taken a stand and said no!

He hasn't got the friendship the mum that I have so he finds it a lot easier to just say no. Men are so different aren't they!

Id be saying you can come in but if you make a mess then you won't be coming back. Simple really.

I saw my neighbour today and she said her kids aren't having their normal week away camping with the brownies/cubs this summer as they seem to have more fun playing out with our kids and her other neighbour's dd. Tbh I sort of relished that week last summer as it was so PEACEFUL! We could go out and come back without being met with persistent knocking on the door, and our two could play out without me/dh having to go out and constantly referee between their two kids and our youngest. They're not going on a proper holiday this year either, just weekend away at beginning of school hols and again at the end. We're away for 10 days but it still leaves best part of 5 weeks of pestering

Trouble is their parents idea of them playing out is to get out bikes/skateboards beginning of the day and shut their door. They don't tend to come out and keep any eye on things (I'm not out there all the time but do pop out every hour or so to check things out). They also play at the corner nearest our house so any problems not only are our two wanting us but so are theirs! I'll have to say something to her along the lines of "We'll be here over most of the summer but it doesn't mean our kids are ALWAYS free to play". Dh says he's tempted to take her two over to hers himself if there's a problem so we don't end up with the thankless task of constant refereeing! Could be that she just doesn't realise so I'll just have to be more forthright with her, difficult though that is

Let your DH do what he said. That may make her (and her DH, if he's around) do something to stop the pestering.

Bloody hell, you're being held hostage in your own home!

But because you've been pretty polite about it so far, the mum doesn't think there's a problem.

You're going to have to step it up a bit if you're looking forward to things like the family going out or lamenting them not going on holiday - that would have been months in the future and you were looking forward to it now

Get them to clear up the mess they've made, and I would have to have another word with the mum, I'm sure there's a way to put it that won't scupper your friendship for good.

If you say it in the nicest way possible, under the circumstances, and she's still shitty with you, then that's her choice and perhaps you'll be happier if she's not talking to you than having her DC hassling you all the time.

Feel sorry for you for sure.

I have a new rule; if DD has friends round they tidy up before they leave. It seems to be working. Remember YOU are the adult (as I keep telling myself )

NOEL, problem with these particular children is that you tell them to tidy up and they won't, it's "In a minute in a minute", then when it's time for them to go they start protesting they haven't tidied up and THEN attempt to start, prolonging play session by another half hour and still not having it done properly I was firmer last time though and MADE them start half hour before they were supposed to go!

I was having coffee with their mum this weekend and she dropped into the coversation how "thoughtful and lovely" her two are, as even if they've got other friends round they still include their neighbour's dd or our two. She said she notices if my kids have other friends round they don't want to know her two I tried to explain that as her two are more dominant than ours they try to take over the whole thing and my two need time on their own with other friends sometimes. She just looked confused, shrugged and said "Oh anyway ......" before changing the subject

She may be referring to the other week when her dd had a schoolfriend round but invited my dd round anyway. My dd wasn't that bothered as she'd been out all day and was getting on with homework but she went anyway as the two girls knocked THREE times! Her mum is never going to realise is she? Tbh I think it's starting to affect our friendship

I think you're being a little bit used by this other mother, actually, to do the hosting and supervision she doesn't want to do. If her son trashed your house, you'd be within your rights to stop him coming in (at least for a while) just for that.

Let your DH make a stand.

You have my sympathies Clockchange. We had this for about 2 years. I could count on my hand the amount of time my two were ever invited into the neighbour's house or even the garden. They used to come into mine and say they hadn't had any food, so I would feel sorry for them and feed them. Then I would start to seethe. I never felt as if my home was my own and the two siblings would fight amongst themselves and then expect my eldest to break it up and sort things out. I didn't really say anything, my dc just gradually withdrew and I withdrew from the friendship with the mother. The mother then phoned my friend in a furious drunken rant about me backing off from her. We speak these days but that is about it. The neighbours kids made friends with another girl and whenever my dc went out, they would disappear off.

I used to live in a street where my kids were the only ones there, I hanker after these days sometimes.

You have my sympathy OP. We are just too polite, I think!

We have a situation with two buys next door who seem to constantly ring the bell and look over the fence to see if we are in. They just walked in last week after I opened the front door without waiting to be invited! The two older ones play well but my dd and the younger one need supervising and often get up to no good - dd gleefully being led to do things she would not normally do!

My heart sinks when the bell goes, I even ended up with 6 children here one evening when my two had guests and I felt bad about saying no to the neighbours but, of course, meant the guests being left out.

Luckily, our neighbours are moving on soon, so that problem will be solved. I think breaking the habits so they do not become set in steel is important. So, no more visits from next door when we have guests and i have even sent mine over to their house last week after two weeks of them just coming here (very brave of me!)

Good for you in standing up for yourself and your dcs when the other mum implied they were mean not to play! How rude!

I wouldn't have them in the house. I would tell them plainly "no you can't come in because you make too much mess". If it's sunny and your kids want to play with them they play out, if they don't you tell the kids to go away and not knock on your door any more today and if your kids want to go out they will. If they ignore this I'd be getting angry with them, and telling them to stop hassling you or you won't want your kids playing with them. i would also tell the parents to tell their children to stop knocking on your door and if your children want to play out they will.

My parents must have been hassled by similar kids when we were small as I remember my dad answering the door one weekend to a kid and saying "if Rebecca wants to play out then you will see her outside". We lived in a safe close with little traffic though.
Different if your kid and one of these kids has an arrangement that you will call for one another once finished homework etc, but it sounds as though this is largely one way.

When they knock just say no you can't come in you make too much mess. I would. My kids only ever had one friend in now and again that is because they said their house was nicer than their friends and didn't want it messed up.

Hence working full time I didnt have to have the grief of it all.

Thanks everyone, some helpful advice! I got myself into an awkward situation a few weeks back with them. We had my brother and his family staying the weekend and these children knocked on the Sunday afternoon for our two. Our guests were actually leaving within the next hour but I told a white lie and said they were staying another night and we wouldn't be free until next afternoon. Anything for a bit of peace!

Anyway, that evening my dd went out the front to collect in all the frizbees and balls etc they'd been playing with with their cousins and the children were out there. The older one asked if our visitors had gone as she'd noticed the car wasn't there and my dd said yes! Although she wasn't to know, I just wasn't expecting them to be out there!

With that, this girl went running in to her parents saying we were free this evening after all and could they play out with ours, she said yes of course Ours were actually keen to play on their bikes for a bit but then it started, their youngest wanting to come in - we said no. Then he knocks again asking for a drink - I did relent and get him one. Soon afterwards he falls over and starts screaming, knocking on our door AGAIN! My dh sent him back to his mum and he didn't come out again. According to my dd, the other mum said I'd confused them saying we weren't free when we were. I felt like shouting "Yes there was a REASON but even THAT didn't work!"

Tbh my children are sometimes invited over there too, but I suppose I always give them a time to be back. My friend just phones or texts saying she assumes they're at ours and send them back when me/dh have had enough, well it's so hard to get them to LEAVE!

I'll have to be firmer won't I

I found that answering the door myself and saying no did the trick after about 10 times they give up.

The kids on the street here go to the same school as my DD she didn't want to see them out of school too.

Think you need to be honest and just tell them when it's not convenient to come in. If you're guarding the door they can't come in when it's not OK with you. If they try to let themselves in, lock the door

I've seen various posts on here from various posters which suggest it's the children who are running the show. My brother is a teacher and he says most kids like teachers who are strict but fair and consistent

I agree about you the adult answering the door and saying no if you want to say no.

Sounds like you are trying to get them to tidy now before they go which is good.

Also, perhaps you could have a word with your friend to say that could she talk to her children so that they understand that if you have said no, could they not come back again and again that day/morning/whatever.

Reading between the lines I think you are too polite and that you probably say things you don't mean. You really have to get more assertive and clear about your boundaries otherwise you will continue to get walked over. And your poor children too.

You said the mum texts to say send them back when you have had enough. So send them back. You have had enough. Fair enough.

Your nice ways aren't working so you need to change. Stop wanting them all to like and approve of you and accept the fact that they are going to think you are mean. Then just tell them no once and then get irritated with them. Tell them to leave and then follow through - escort them to the door. Let your dh answer the door when he's there. And be prepared for the other mother to get annoyed with you. It just sounds like they are walking all over you tbh, and the only way to stop it is for you to assert yourself.

yup you need to be a bit mean
i have set rules
no playing inside if weather is nice
and they've given up asking for food/drinks ,i am not a cafe
i give them lolly sometimes if I'm in a good mood
I have also stipulated to one boy who comes round very early not to come before 10am at weekend
set rules now ,it's half term soon

You are being held hostage! You ned to just say no to everything. We live on a military base, behind "the wire" so there are children playing out all the time in the street. It is greatthat they can do this BUT they will spot someone who is likely to give them food a mile off :) I say no to requests for food and drink, any arguments I tell them they have to sort it out themselves and if they cannot play nicely then mine will have to some in. If it is not raining they are not coming in the house. If they knock and it is not convient I politely tell them DC is not coming out now. You are the adult - you do not need to justify to other peoples chidren why yours are not coming out to play! Just say no to everything you are not happy with. They will soon get the message and IME they don't go home to their parents and complain about anything you may or may not have done. They wil accept that so and so's parents don't like xyz happening, and that is just the way things are.