My dc's have friends on our street but they don't want to play with them all the time! Any advice?

[Clockchange]

My two spend a lot of time with these children, playing out and in each other's houses, but there are times when they have schoolfriends over for tea/sleepovers and they don't always want them involved. It gets very awkward!

Trouble is the other two are naturally more dominant than ours (and their friends) Twice recently my youngest (aged 7) has had a schoolfriend round and because they were playing out and my neighbour's son joined them, he expected to come in with them when they did. Then he'd start, organising a team game so he and ds's friend were playing against my ds which ended in tears, persuading ds's friend to run off and hide, again leaving ds out, and he completely trashed ds's room, cupboards emptied, everything upside down On each of these occasions my ds had a different friend but my neighbour's son acted the same, (I don't know what our foreign students thought who were staying with us!) so both times I took him back to his mum. Her reaction was "Oh bless him, look how left out he looks"

His older sister is a bit like this too with my eldest if she has a friend round. They each had a friend this morning and stayed for lunch, but when the other two knocked I just told them they had friends round and wouldn't be free until late afternoon. It didn't stop them knocking though, and after myself, dh and dd had told them on three separate occasions we just ignored the door. Then the notes started coming through the letterbox, the first from my neighbour's dd aged 10 saying her and her brother were putting on a show for "all the children in our house to watch!" and gave a time.

Soon afterwards another note appeared from her brother saying "PLEEEEASE COME AT 11 o'clock!" I went round there and politely said the children and their friends wouldn't be free as they just wanted some time on their own but our two would knock when their friends had gone. Half hour later the older one knocks for my dd, tearful, in a state and saying all her practising had been wasted! My dd's friend who is older than our children, (13!) hadn't been keen on going round there as she doesn't know them, and I didn't want to force her. My dh stepped in at this point and said "Look we're not free until much later, you were told earlier so you can't blame us for your time being wasted". She didn't like this at all and then came back with her mum who asked what was going on. She was v apologetic, her dd had been pestering to invite our two to watch this play not telling her they had friends round. She then marched her home and it's been all quiet since

I need to sort all this otherwise summer hols will be a nightmare won't they! These children don't seem to have others round that much, I think they just rely on ours

Thanks everyone, yes I definitely need to be more assertive, I've known this family for years and realise I should have put more boundaries in place much earlier!

I did well today though, saw their mum at school gate and she suggested with half term/summer hols coming up it would be fun for the kids to do the odd sleepover whereas she has one of our two and we have one of hers I just said no thanks we're not really up for that, what with having both sets of our family staying sometimes, combined with the kids occasionally having other schoolfriends sleeping over we have enough on in school hols! She looked a bit surprised but didn't argue

I shudder imagining having her youngest to stay over, calling it a SLEEPover would be joke!!

well done for saying what you mean
keep it up
she'll get the message soon enough

Thanks for your responses, had another awkward situation yesterday when they were all playing out and dd came in to tell me about a falling-out ds had had with two of the others. They do tend to pick on him a bit and I could tell there were two sides to the story. DD always sides with the others, never her younger brother and was saying he should be told off. I think I said something like "Oh not this again", when I realised the other three kids were standing behind her, just outside the porch hanging on every word One of them asked if he should get him, with the other two looking on eagerly (they seem to like seeing somebody else in trouble!)

I said "No don't worry I'll sort it" and went and found him down our alleyway, very upset. What had happened wasn't his fault, and I gave him the option of coming in or continuing to play. I also told my dd I'm not comfortable with having an "audience" every time I have to sort things out, and if she needs to tell me something she comes in on her own. DS still wanted to play but I looked out the window 10 mins later and they were all crowding him, he looked very uncomfortable. I just brought my two in in the end and said that was it for the day, ignoring my neighbour's dd's protests that they were trying to "calm him"

DD has since told me the others think I'm weird for not wanting them all listening in when I'm sorting something out with one of my two, I just repeated I'm not comfortable with it! I suppose I'm quite a private person anyway which is why I'm findng all this so hard! And if the truth be known I don't like to think of people calling me weird or mean, I'm too much of a people pleaser

DD says the other girl thinks I'm "really mean" saying no to sleepovers when my dd had slept at theirs before! I had to wrack my brains to think when this was but I remember now. It was one of the May bank holidays LAST year! We'd come home from a day out to find my neighbour and her dd knocking on the door inviting DD for a sleepover. I was like "Erm not sure about tonight as we've only just got back" (didn't fancy rushing around packing pj's and sleeping bag etc right at that moment!) They insisted though and dd didn't seem to mind either way so we agreed, me feeling under a lot of pressure while they waited in the porch while me and dd rushed around getting her overnight things together. My friend said Oh sorry do you prefer more notice? (I must have looked harrassed)

I reminded dh of that and said I suppose we should really do a sleepover. He says no just don't mention it at all and it should just pass. He's adamant he doesn't want them staying over, he's got all half term off for once and would prefer it stress free!

Oh Clockchange, it is so damn hard. I too am a people pleaser. As I said before I kind of backed away from my neighbour and her kids and now we say hi and not much else. My kids don't play out anymore, my dd is 13 and doesn't really want to be out there anyway. Neighbour does leech on to anyone though and is already working the crowd at school and has found someone else for her kids to play with who live a street away from us.

You are negotiating too much, just say 'No, go away', if they are having drama tell your kids to either sort it out themselves or come in. If one of them gets hurt send them to their house.

Who gives a fuck if they think you are mean, they are kids.