To tell my DH that I am having lunch with my ex? Would you?
LittleOneMum · 08/05/2011 12:07
I'm happily married to DH, we have 2 DCs, have been together for 12 years.
A very long time ago (at uni) I went out with a guy. It lasted maybe a year. We split up because I wasn't Jewish (he was and wanted long term to be with someone Jewish). No hearts broken on either side. I harbour no feelings whatsoever and honestly can say that being with him seems a lifetime ago.
Anyway, he emailed me recently to say he'd moved to a new job in London (we're in touch maybe once a year) and did I want to have lunch? I said yes. It's next week.
I told DH last night and asked if he minded. He obviously does a bit (saying 'this is how affairs start') but then said I was BU for telling him - that if it really meant nothing I should have gone and he'd have been none the wiser. I said that was rubbish and that not telling him would be more suspicious. SO:
(a) who is being unreasonable
(b) would you tell your DH you were going for lunch with an ex?
I am going to show him this thread so vote for me !
Sn0wflake · 08/05/2011 12:11
I think your husband is being a little odd. It's better to tell him I think. But maybe if it bothers him a lot you shouldn't go or you meet him as a couple.
My husband met an ex for lunch a couple of years ago...I had a twinge of jealousy but knew it was daft.....and that was that. No biggy.
wannaBe · 08/05/2011 12:12
yes I would tell him. and no I don't think you're being unreasonable for having lunch with him.
One of my ex's was due to visit the UK this year and I had every intention of meeting up with him. It was not a serious relationship on my part, I was sixteen, he was 21, I grew up, he didn't (in fact I suspect he still hasn't as he's 42 now and still lives with his mother! ) There's no way I would have not told my dh - why wouldn't I?
I think your dh is being unreasonable tbh.
Hassled · 08/05/2011 12:28
He's been ridiculous - far far worse to have the lunch in secret. Secret lunches are how affairs start - they don't start from lunch with a long-lost ex you don't really care about when you've told your husband all about it.
About once every few years I go out for drinks with an ex, when he happens to be in the area - and always tell DH.
And my ex-H lives down the road and is in and out of the house several times a week - DH and he are good mates. But I do realise that's weird.
wannaBe · 08/05/2011 12:52
"And my ex-H lives down the road and is in and out of the house several times a week - DH and he are good mates. But I do realise that's weird." actually, I don't think that's weird, I think that's great. I think it's perfectly possible to move on from relationships without there needing to be either major bitterness or underlying sexual tention on the part of the ex partner, or insane jealousy on the part of the new partner.
I only have one ex with whom I wouldn't choose to have stayed friends, but he had some deep-rooted issues, and I don't think he would be capable of being just friends, therefore I wouldn't seek to do so. But all the others I would consider friends or at least aquaintences and I would hav elunch with any of them.
PrinceHumperdink · 08/05/2011 12:53
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
MissMarjoribanks · 08/05/2011 13:18
Your husband is being unreasonable. I see my ex, as a friend, quite frequently, often with our children in tow. Of course I tell my husband. He would think it seriously wierd if I didn't as I usually tell him my plans for the day.
My husband told me when his ex contacted him on FB as well.
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 08/05/2011 13:27
Well, I wouldn't have asked him if he minded. I would have mentioned I was having lunch with X. Same as I would mention my lunch plans with any other person.
It wouldn't occur to me to ask him if he minded.
I certainly wouldn't have avoided telling him. That is wrong. Hiding who you are spending time with is not on.
However. I am a steaming great hypocrite. Because if he told me he was having lunch with an ex girlfriend, I would be so jealous I would torture myself with visions of him bending her over the table and rodgering her senseless while they wait for the soup and would probably end up putting on a hat and big beard and follow him.
But the rest of you carry on being all secure and reasonable and sensible and I'll sit here in Nutter Corner all by myself
fedupofnamechanging · 08/05/2011 13:40
Hecate, I'll join you in Nutter Corner. I would have lunch with an ex, because I trust me and know I will not fancy him.
However, I see no sense in putting temptation under the nose of my DH.
Everyone on here sounds very healthy, but I would say that if a man doesn't consider you marriage material because you are not the right religion for him, then I wouldn't consider him friend material.
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