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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DH that I am having lunch with my ex? Would you?

49 replies

LittleOneMum · 08/05/2011 12:07

I'm happily married to DH, we have 2 DCs, have been together for 12 years.

A very long time ago (at uni) I went out with a guy. It lasted maybe a year. We split up because I wasn't Jewish (he was and wanted long term to be with someone Jewish). No hearts broken on either side. I harbour no feelings whatsoever and honestly can say that being with him seems a lifetime ago.

Anyway, he emailed me recently to say he'd moved to a new job in London (we're in touch maybe once a year) and did I want to have lunch? I said yes. It's next week.

I told DH last night and asked if he minded. He obviously does a bit (saying 'this is how affairs start') but then said I was BU for telling him - that if it really meant nothing I should have gone and he'd have been none the wiser. I said that was rubbish and that not telling him would be more suspicious. SO:
(a) who is being unreasonable
(b) would you tell your DH you were going for lunch with an ex?

I am going to show him this thread so vote for me !

OP posts:
oranges · 08/05/2011 12:08

a)he is
b)yes.

Sn0wflake · 08/05/2011 12:11

I think your husband is being a little odd. It's better to tell him I think. But maybe if it bothers him a lot you shouldn't go or you meet him as a couple.

My husband met an ex for lunch a couple of years ago...I had a twinge of jealousy but knew it was daft.....and that was that. No biggy.

wannaBe · 08/05/2011 12:12

yes I would tell him. and no I don't think you're being unreasonable for having lunch with him.

One of my ex's was due to visit the UK this year and I had every intention of meeting up with him. It was not a serious relationship on my part, I was sixteen, he was 21, I grew up, he didn't (in fact I suspect he still hasn't as he's 42 now and still lives with his mother! Shock) There's no way I would have not told my dh - why wouldn't I?

I think your dh is being unreasonable tbh.

TidyDancer · 08/05/2011 12:24

He's trying to find a way to be annoyed with you over it, because he knows he can't be legitimately annoyed over the lunch itself. So he is being hugely unreasonable and yes, I would tell DP. He wouldn't care, but I would tell him.

backwardpossom · 08/05/2011 12:25

So he would rather you hid the fact you're going out for lunch with an ex? Bonkers...

squeakytoy · 08/05/2011 12:27

he is being unreasonable, and I bet my last penny if you didnt tell him and he found out after, he would not be happy then either...

icooksocks · 08/05/2011 12:27

YANBU for telling him-shows you have nothing to hide.
I understand the touch of jealousy he might be feeling though-most normal people would have a twinge-whether or not they'd be prepared to admit it.

Hassled · 08/05/2011 12:28

He's been ridiculous - far far worse to have the lunch in secret. Secret lunches are how affairs start - they don't start from lunch with a long-lost ex you don't really care about when you've told your husband all about it.

About once every few years I go out for drinks with an ex, when he happens to be in the area - and always tell DH.

And my ex-H lives down the road and is in and out of the house several times a week - DH and he are good mates. But I do realise that's weird.

iscream · 08/05/2011 12:39

He is bu.
And I would tell dh if I were to have lunch with an ex, not that I ever would.

itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 08/05/2011 12:50

yabu not him

I would not go if he didnt want me too.

I would have in the first instance arranged a meet up including my dh and or family, OM partner and or families.

ItsCHEEKYTime · 08/05/2011 12:51

I would tell him but then again i dont plan on having lunch with my knobhead of an ex anytime soon lol

wannaBe · 08/05/2011 12:52

"And my ex-H lives down the road and is in and out of the house several times a week - DH and he are good mates. But I do realise that's weird." actually, I don't think that's weird, I think that's great. I think it's perfectly possible to move on from relationships without there needing to be either major bitterness or underlying sexual tention on the part of the ex partner, or insane jealousy on the part of the new partner.

I only have one ex with whom I wouldn't choose to have stayed friends, but he had some deep-rooted issues, and I don't think he would be capable of being just friends, therefore I wouldn't seek to do so. But all the others I would consider friends or at least aquaintences and I would hav elunch with any of them.

PrinceHumperdink · 08/05/2011 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 08/05/2011 12:55

and or does not really work there does it...ho hum you get the jist...possibly yanbu either as you actually have done nothing wrong but I dont think he is bu.

MissMarjoribanks · 08/05/2011 13:18

Your husband is being unreasonable. I see my ex, as a friend, quite frequently, often with our children in tow. Of course I tell my husband. He would think it seriously wierd if I didn't as I usually tell him my plans for the day.

My husband told me when his ex contacted him on FB as well.

valiumredhead · 08/05/2011 13:19

Would you mind if the situation was reversed and he met up with an ex girlfriend?

Knofje · 08/05/2011 13:21

He is BU. I'd only ever have lunch with an ex if DP knew all about it in advance. Doing it in secret would be totally U and that is how affairs start.

razzlebathbone · 08/05/2011 13:21

He has not only been unreasonable, he has insulted you. The comment about how affairs start was bang out of order.

Xenia · 08/05/2011 13:26

If you wouldn't mind his doing the same it's fine. Why not bring him along? If there's nothing to hide you both might enjoy your new friend. If you don't want him there then think about why not?

Lizzabadger · 08/05/2011 13:27

HIBU

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 08/05/2011 13:27

Well, I wouldn't have asked him if he minded. I would have mentioned I was having lunch with X. Same as I would mention my lunch plans with any other person.

It wouldn't occur to me to ask him if he minded.

I certainly wouldn't have avoided telling him. That is wrong. Hiding who you are spending time with is not on.

However. I am a steaming great hypocrite. Because if he told me he was having lunch with an ex girlfriend, I would be so jealous I would torture myself with visions of him bending her over the table and rodgering her senseless while they wait for the soup and would probably end up putting on a hat and big beard and follow him.

But the rest of you carry on being all secure and reasonable and sensible and I'll sit here in Nutter Corner all by myself Grin

MercurySoccer · 08/05/2011 13:32

Good response from Hecate.

GooGooMuck · 08/05/2011 13:38

I was in this position and I didn't go because it made DH feel :(

If you wouldn't go with him, then you shouldn't go without him.

Shakirasma · 08/05/2011 13:39

Whilst your husband was being unreasonable to say you should have kept it quiet, it is understandable that he does mind a little.

He is absolutely correct when he says 'this is how affairs start'.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/05/2011 13:40

Hecate, I'll join you in Nutter Corner. I would have lunch with an ex, because I trust me and know I will not fancy him.

However, I see no sense in putting temptation under the nose of my DH.

Everyone on here sounds very healthy, but I would say that if a man doesn't consider you marriage material because you are not the right religion for him, then I wouldn't consider him friend material.

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