To tell my DH that I am having lunch with my ex? Would you?

[LittleOneMum]

I'm happily married to DH, we have 2 DCs, have been together for 12 years.

A very long time ago (at uni) I went out with a guy. It lasted maybe a year. We split up because I wasn't Jewish (he was and wanted long term to be with someone Jewish). No hearts broken on either side. I harbour no feelings whatsoever and honestly can say that being with him seems a lifetime ago.

Anyway, he emailed me recently to say he'd moved to a new job in London (we're in touch maybe once a year) and did I want to have lunch? I said yes. It's next week.

I told DH last night and asked if he minded. He obviously does a bit (saying 'this is how affairs start') but then said I was BU for telling him - that if it really meant nothing I should have gone and he'd have been none the wiser. I said that was rubbish and that not telling him would be more suspicious. SO:
(a) who is being unreasonable
(b) would you tell your DH you were going for lunch with an ex?

I am going to show him this thread so vote for me !

[spilttheteaagain]

PMSL at hecate

[Punkatheart]

In my opinion, marrying or living with someone does not change the fact that we are still individuals with a separate personality. I would tell my man but I would not cancel if he did not like it. Friends are important. In fact my best friend (male) from my teenage years is still around and we talk all the time.

Trust. Most important thing...

[MissMarjoribanks]

Just realised my post above looks like my ex and I have children together. We don't. We bring our own children to our meets.

[pjmama]

So he's annoyed because you were honest with him and he would rather you had done it behind his back!?

Tell him to stop being so bloody daft.

[VajazzHands]

You should not keep it quiet no.

But why do you need to meet up with someone you saw sexually and no longer have a friendly relationship with?

[AlmightyCitrus]

Well, I went on a night out with my ex a couple of weeks ago. We had a bloody riot!
I was happy to go home to my DH at the end of the night, and ex went home to his DW.
If DH had strongly objected I'd have stayed home, but he's not the jealous type, plus he's met ex and they got on alright. (DH has no need to be jealous...he's 10years younger and almost 1ft taller than the ex)

I'll be joining Hecate in nutters corner though. If my DH wanted to meet an old girlfriend...Well, that's just not going to happen is it?!

[TrillianAstra]

I've only read the OP.

If I were having lunch with anyone I would tell DP.

Not in a "I think you need to know" kind of way.

But because we talk.

So if I were having lunch with someone it would come up in conversation.

Your DH is wrong in saying that you should have kept it quiet. If you had kept it quiet and he had found out he would not have been happy either. I expect he is just generally uncomfortable with the situation but knows he can't forbid you to see your ex, so is having problems in figuring out what he wants to say.

Would you be happy for him to meet up with an ex? Specifically an ex who broke up with him (so he didn't choose to end the relationship)? You can see why he is uncomfortable, right?

[TrillianAstra]

Love Hecate's hat and big beard idea! :o

[kaid100]

I think it was the right thing to tell him, but he is clearly a bit concerned about the whole thing and thrashing around at random for things to complain about. The fact that you didn't exactly fall out of love with your ex probably doesn't help either. Here's a solution, why not introduce your husband to your ex and go to the pub or cafe (where you can scarper quicker than a sit-down meal in a restaurant). Whether your husband comes with you as well or not, they've both looked into each others eyes and it will get into everyone's head that you are already taken.

[ZZZenAgain]

I would have invited him to m y house to eat with me and my family tbh

[Sextilis]

I think you did right telling him, Honesty and trust are very important in any relationship and I'm sure he would have reacted far worse if he found out after the fact. To say he'd prefer not to know is a ridiculous statement that I'm sure on reflection he would withdraw.
My rule is to behave the way I would like Dh to behave and if he was having lunch with an ex then yes I'd like to know. Tbh it wouldn't bother me that it was an ex but I do like to know whats going on in Dhs life and he in mine (though sometimes I think he could do without the details of the number of dirty nappies changed etc :) )

[GooGooMuck]

I'm sorry, i missed the point....

your DH is BU. It is 'how affairs start' if you sneak around to meet up with exes.

[LittleOneMum]

Oooh, an interesting array of views.

Sorry to those who say I should have invited him round for dinner at mine - no way! I'm sure DH would have loved that, lots of "remember X? How's he doing now?" chats, he'd hate every minute.

To those who asked why I want to meet up with him, it's just sheer curiosity. He's now married with 2 kids, I want to ask him all about it, that's all. And I did fall out of love with him. I didn't love him enough to convert to becoming Jewish.

But the ones who are right are those who say "what if it was him"? That is the test. The answer is that I trust him and I'd rather he told me and went.

[LittleOneMum]

Karma I see your point about religion, but I made my peace with it at the time. It helped me fall out of love with him that he did not consider me marriage material because of religion!

[carriedababi]

why would you want to go to lunch with an ex?

an ex is an ex for a reason

[Tortington]

i think you did the right thing. it would have looked a lot worse had you gone and he found out about it whilst snooping in your e-mails or something.

[dizzyblonde]

An ex can still be a friend. Both my DH and myself are still friends with exes. In fact my ex boy-friend is my sons godfather and DH's ex is my other sons godmother. Just because we are married doesn't stop us having friends of the opposite sex.

[psiloveyou]

He is being U
Yes I would tell him.

I met my ex fiance a while ago for drinks 20 years after we split. Dh knew and was fine with it. I have several ex boyfriends on my facebook and it doesn't bother dh.

Is there room in hecates nutter corner for me please. If dh wanted to meet an ex I would drive myself insane with jealousy. Even though I know he wouldn't dream of cheating on me

[carriedababi]

yes friends of opposite sex.

not ex's though

[ReindeerBollocks]

My best friend is my ex.

DH has (had) a good friend who was his ex.

DH doesn't mind I meet with my ex and I will generally drop it into conversation when I meet up with the ex. However, whilst DH used to meet up with his ex alone at the start of our relationship, he no longer does.

The reason is that his ex has been quite open about not respecting our relationship, and she would quite happily override our relationship in order to meet her own needs.

The final straw was when she asked DH who he'd set fire to - her or me?

Personally I think you are within your rights to catch up with an ex should you wish - but it would be understandable that your DH may be upset about it. I don't get why he would want you to meet your ex, but hide it? That seems a bit unusual.

[motherinferior]

I am always madly nosy about my exes. Of course I'd go for lunch.

[Tuggy]

a)he is
b)yes

[dizzyblonde]

Why on earth can't you be friends with people you went out with once upon a time? I can't say that,looking back on it, I was widely in love with them although I probably thought I was at the time. We didn't have a massive falling out, just decided that it had run its course. I am very pleased that the person to whom I have made a commitment and had three children with is confident enough in himself and in my love for him, to accept that I can remain friends with people from my past.